There is a stereotype about men that they are completely clueless when it comes to childcare. This stereotype is played across film and TV for laughs, but in real life, it’s often anything but cute.
So when Reddit user Vicky0034______’s husband did one of these extremely clueless things in a public place, she was absolutely mortified and rocketed on out of there.
After her husband got angry with her, she wondered if she’d overreacted. For validation on her actions, she turned to the popular subReddit “Am I The A**hole?” or “AITA.”
She asked:
“AITA For leaving in an Uber after what my husband did at the restaurant?”
Our original poster, or OP, is a newlywed with a husband who loves his niece very much.
“Me (31F[emale]) and My husband (35M[ale]) have been married for 14months. He’s a middle-school teacher. Very close to his family. Loves to help out but can be firm at times.”
“He adores his 1.2 yo niece. His sister’s baby. He always babysits whenever he’s got nothing to do. I help with whatever I can. We haven’t gotten out for a nice dinner in a while.”
“I asked if we could go out to a new restaurant and try their food. And have good time together. He agreed. I immediately made reservations and took care of everything.”
When OP showed up for dinner, hubby had his niece in tow.
“Since I couldn’t take the day off I left work early and went to meet him there at the restaurant. I walked in and saw my husband sitting and his niece in a carseat by the table.”
“I asked and he said his sister had work and wanted him to watch his niece. His family were out of town so there was no one else beside him.”
“I noticed the restaurant staff were giving us looks since it’s not a child-friendly restaurant and I was worried the baby’d cry or something. She was asleep then.”
As things got trickier, OP’s husband’s behavior got stranger.
“We ordered our meals while he was calming his niece down cause she was crying out loud.”
“He kept asking the waitress about stuff they don’t have for his niece I couldn’t take the looks from people unable to enjoy their meals cause of the noise husband’s niece was making.”
“Especially when he started singing ‘You’re Welcome’ from Moana movie while swinging her. I got up to use the restroom. Few mins later I heard him arguing loudly.”
“I went to see that he was actually trying to change his niece’s diaper on the table. The waitress was arguing with him. I was in shock.”
OP was very angry with her husband.
“The manager came after my husband said he’d take a minute to get it done. The manager spoke to me and asked me to leave eventually. I was livid.”
“We left and I blew up outside. Asked my husband why the table while people were eating.”
“That he could’ve told me, otherwise I wouldn’t have picked a restaurant that doesn’t allow infants. That he embarrassed me ruined dinner and got us kicked out.”
And he got pretty condescending right after.
“He started arguing with me like I was one of his students after I refused to get in the car. Giving me 0/10 for my reaction and claiming I picked a bad restaurant.”
“Said that he was helping his sister. And I needed to understand that. After the argument I took an uber and went home.”
“He went to his sister’s place and called saying I shouldn’t have left like that and make him feel guilty for wanting to help. But I didn’t respond.”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Redditors believe OP’s reaction was totally understandable.
“NTA, who tf changes a baby at a table and not in the restroom when they’re in public?”
“Why does he act like his niece is his kid and bring her everywhere, especially when it’s clear you’re trying to have some time with just you and your husband?”
“He absolutely embarrassed the hell out of you, and furthermore tried to make YOU feel guilty for picking a nice restaurant when you were under the reasonable assumption you could have a nice dinner.”
“You need to have some serious talks with your husband and your SIL regarding boundaries and childcare bc this is 100% not okay.”~Tamamo_hime
“In Paris, every time I had to change my baby at a restaurant, bc the bathrooms are often a closet with a toilet and tiny sink and that’s it.”
“I would ask my server where I could do that, in order to not disgust the other patrons, and every time they have nicely led me to either the back, or a closed off room, or literally anywhere else where people are not eating.”
“It’s just eff courtesy to not change your baby on the table (or bench) in the middle of where people are eating. OP ur OH was defo TA in this situation. Callous and rude. You’re NTA. 💯”~Vaness_pas
“NTA, not only that is disgusting to do in a place that serves food, just eff the health and safety measures right?”
“But it’s also unsafe for the baby, people are wary of exposing their children around strangers because of how many predators can just be walking around.”
“Like I understand being in a desperate situation but this man had A LOT of options and he chose the dining table in front of so many people.”~x_nyxn_x
“You are NTA. He is also NTA for caring for his niece and helping his sister out.”
“Where he is the a**hole is not consulting with you about it. He should have called and talked it through with you (and the fact he didn’t means he knew you wouldn’t be happy and did it anyway).”
“He had a previous engagement with you so at the minimum he should have said to his sister ‘I don’t know if I can babysit without speaking to my wife first.'”
“You could have discussed options. So guilty of one charge of a**hole-ism. And nappy changing in a restaurant. OMG. Guilty on two counts of a**hole-ism.”~Anxious-Marketing525
Not to mention changing a child on a table is pretty unsanitary.
“NTA. This is gross. Your husband should have given you the heads up so you could book a different restaurant or even declined his sisters request because it was your date night.”
“Thank you for being the only self-aware adult at that table. Some places are just not suitable for young children.”~TheJudgyWitch
“Oh my gosh. NTA. His wanting to be helpful shouldn’t be prioritized over your and his needs, he seems to believe everything should revolve naturally around his helpfulness without recognizing the effect.”
“Also, that pattern aside, it’s intensely rude and unsanitary to change a diaper on a table, whether it’s burger king or a five star restaurant.”
“At best that’s woefully ignorant and thoughtless, at worst it’s showboating how helpful he is without recognizing the impact on others.”
“Getting kicked out of the restaurant was entirely his fault and instead of recognizing his mistakes, he blames you for choosing the restaurant?! Like there’s such thing as any restaurant in the world who would allow what he did?!”
“Not to mention the effort you put in and requested for this to be a date night, prioritizing each other’s company.”
“He sounds stuck in head with an idea of him being above reproach because of how helpful he thinks he is. I would seriously consider counseling.”~purpleit11
“NTA. Your husband is allowed to have his own life and occasionally say ‘no’ to his sister. It sounds like she and her daughter are more important to him than your marriage is.”
“A marriage requires work, including the occasional time just for the two of you.”
“Also, by not warning you about him agreeing to watch the baby completely blindsided you. He made it so that there was no way for you to object until the deed was done. This is pure manipulation.”
“Your husband needs to learn that just because his sister has a crisis that he does not need to step in at the last minute every time and by doing so he is telling his sister that she can pull this time after time.”
“Also, changing a diaper at the table??? That is insane. Any functional adult knows to take the child to the restroom to do that.”
“Finally, he tried to deflect guilt by making the argument about you (you picked a bad restaurant, etc) instead of being an adult and keeping on subject about his actions.”~bamf1701
“When I say ‘sometimes I hate nice guys,’ this is what I mean. He just has to say yes to his sister, and a man taking care of his niece is ‘cute’ and so sweet he loves her so much.”
“All which can be true, but it completely tramples what Op has to deal with. She can easily be painted as the bad guy (as her husband tried to do.)”
“Saying he’s just being helpful and looking out for his family, all while negating her needs and their needs as a couple.”
“Op Is NTA and this is completely overlooking all his behavior while at the restaurant. Changing a diaper on a table is just gross.”~mongoosedog12
Plus, it was pretty inconsiderate of him not to check with her before bringing the baby.
“I’m also wondering about Husband’s babysitting the niece that night.”
“I don’t know what sister does, but if last minute work shifts are a normal thing, I can’t imagine she doesn’t have backup childcare. Is Husband her only sitter?”
“I’m just wondering if Husband asked to babysit and brought niece as some sort of control game or ‘test’ for OP.”
“Either way, OP is NTA and I would be LIVID and honestly, rethinking the relationship. I know it seems like a little thing, but for a man who is such a ‘good’ babysitter to change a diaper on a table? Yeah, 0/10, would not recommend him to babysit children again.”~ninaa1
“NTA. He was out of order and to change a babies diaper on the table while others are eating is frankly disgusting.”
“And then he tries to blame everything on you. No sh*t you was embarrassed and got in a taxi and left.”
“You need to have a good chat with him about how he made you feel and if he can’t see he has done anything wrong, well, you need to decide if you want to stay with someone like that because I doubt he will change.”~InquisitionHellfire
“NTA. At all. And at first I was wondering what ‘loves to help out but can be firm’ means but then I read the rest and realized it means ‘is at the beck and call of his extended family and I dream of him one day putting me first.'”
“He was really, really out of line. For not consulting you before agreeing to babysit at a time you already had plans for.”
“For bringing the baby on your date without even giving you a heads-up. For bringing the baby into a restaurant that really isn’t baby-friendly.”
“For the condescending way he spoke to you later. For all the above and more, and ESPECIALLY for changing a diaper on the table. I would be PISSED. Beyond pissed.”~rosefurcoat
“NTA. Your husband is living, breathing proof that college doesn’t necessarily teach you common sense.”
“Who TF changes a baby’s diaper on the table in the middle of a restaurant and thinks it’s okay? Your reaction was 100% on point.”
“He has to learn to tell his sister ‘no’ sometimes. She needs to have multiple contingencies for babysitters anyway.”
“That’s just smart adulting and parenting when you also have a job. She’s just using her brother because she knows he won’t say ‘no.'”
“Of course, I don’t know anything about her… she may genuinely feel bad about how this turned out.”~TrashPanda556
So OP and husband now will have to have a serious conversation about the root problems at play in this situation. If he values his relationship with her, he will listen to what she has to say.
And perhaps he will get better about asking for appropriate places to change.