When our partner doesn’t know how to do something, it is hard to balance support and frustration.
If someone is bad at cooking, you want to encourage them to learn, but also want to eat good food. So, finding the right words is hard.
Redditor HomeTown11____ encountered this very issue with her husband. So they turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for moral judgment.
They asked:
“AITA For lashing out after my husband ruined the food I prepared for our guests?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained.
“Me (female, 26) and my husband (male, 33) Mike have been married for a year now. He doesn’t cook.”
“He’s bad at it. His cooking is the worst despite learning from books/YouTube videos/me teaching him.”
“It just never works.”
“Every time he steps a foot into the kitchen it turns into a mess. I don’t know how.”
“He doesn’t know how. Maybe because he’s constantly busy with work (Police Officer) and is used to fast food.”
But they figured out what works for them.
“But he’s good at other things. So we’ve agreed that I handle cooking. He handles chores.”
“Everything was going well. However recently he’s been getting involved in my cooking.”
“Basically making comments about what ingredients I should/should not add and I try to take it under consideration but only if he’s being reasonable.”
“Lately he’s been waiting for when I prepare dinner or lunch then sneaks in and adds extra salt/paper/spices/other ingredients that completely ruin the meal.”
“First It was a mystery to me. Had me questioning myself—why I added too much salt or spices.”
“He admitted he was the one adding extra ingredients and messing up my cooking. The meals are no longer edible.”
“I’ve told him to not try to get involved in something he doesn’t have experience with. I’ve basically been eating out for a week now because of him.”
Then, they had guests.
“Last night we had my family visiting. I took the entire day preparing meals.”
“He helped out by going to the grocery stores. I noticed he bought stuff from the grocery store that I wasn’t allowed to see.”
“I figured ‘probably some snacks’.”
“As we were about to eat dinner, my mom and dad suddenly looked grossed out and said they couldn’t eat cause the food had so much salt in it. I was confused.”
“I asked them to try another dish, which was too spicy for them to eat. My dad had an upset stomach and he almost threw up.”
“He has high blood pressure and salt wasn’t good for him. Mike kept acting confused.”
“My mom and dad couldn’t eat anything I made. I knew Mike had something to do with it.”
OP figured out what happened.
“My parents left and I felt ashamed. I asked Mike then I blew up after he admitted he went behind my back to add ingredients that he thought were gonna make my food better.”
“I lashed out at him.”
“Told him he ruined my work after spending hours and made my parents feel uncomfortable. Adding too much salt KNOWING my dad has high blood pressure.”
“He argued that he was just trying to help. And thought that food would be better so I shouldn’t yell at him.”
“And my parents didn’t say anything so it wasn’t that bad. I told him he shouldn’t have done this but he refused to acknowledge he did anything wrong.”
“Then he went out to meet his friends for dinner.”
Redditors gave their opinions on the situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Most Redditors agreed OP was not the a**hole.
“I just can’t get why you wouldn’t just season your own portion then. I like a little more salt and pepper than my mother but I’ll only add it to my portion.”
“Only when cooking myself is when I add extra ingredients or spices that only I like. If he can’t taste it he can season his own portion or cook himself something.” ~ thimo50
“I think this is definitely an issue of control. He’s either bad at cooking, or he pretends to be to get out of having to do it, and the sneaking around and the insisting that ‘it’s better’ when he graces the food with his magic touch is probably either.”
“A) done out of feeling inadequate/outdone and needing to make his wife less confident in her own cooking skills.”
“B) simply a method of control, as well as a way to provoke her and convince her that she’s crazy.”
“Or both.”
“I guess there’s an unlikely ‘C’, being that he just has no self awareness and is overconfident in his abilities, but the sneaking behind her back and adding so much that it’s literally inedible and a health hazard just cannot be accidental.”
“He tried to hide what he was doing, continued doing it after his wife asked him to stop, continued to do it even when his wife couldn’t eat the food and had to order in for a week.”
“Then he did it again to a meal for her parents, acted like he had no idea why it was so bad in front of her parents when they couldn’t eat it, and then insisted that he was right and that he was making the food better and then tried to convince OP that her parents liked it even though they almost threw up eating it. What the f*ck?” ~ whatevercuck
“Something, something, something else, gaslighting a**hole.”
“You nailed it 👏” ~ Reporter_Complex
“OP this isn’t about helping, it’s about control. He’s gaslighting you.”
“He can tweak his own portion. He hides and lies to you.”
“He makes you second guess yourself. He endangered your folks and when confronted by their grossed out faces KNEW IT WAS HIS FAULT BUT ACTED SURPRISED and confused.”
“He’s got deeper issues than cooking. I don’t trust him, OP.” ~ dollywooddude
Others have seen a similar pattern.
“Oh you mean the controlling abusive a**hole disorder that is common in cops?” ~ SnooLobsters5452
“Oh you mean the domestic/interpersonal abuse/violence that is present in 40% of police? (but you know this number is bigger because we not counting the partners too frightened to report or those who… ya know… DIED). OP NTA and RUN, GIRL!” ~ glitterally_awake
Many were wondering if he might have the virus behind the pandemic.
“My first thought was he had the pandemic virus and can’t taste now. I had it a year ago and still can’t taste garlic.”
“I hate to admit it but I ruined a few dishes with WAY too much garlic before I realized.” ~ mel122676
Bottom line, if he likes salt that much, he needs to add it to his own plate.