Redditor Kindly_Adeptness_197 is a boy mom and often has her son with her while she puts on makeup.
Recently the Original Poster's (OP's) son decided to copy her while she applied makeup, but instead of finding this cute, the OP's husband got angry.
This led the OP to subReddit "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) to clear up her confusion.
She asked:
"AITA for allowing my 2 yr old to copy me whilst I applied makeup"
She went on to explain:
"So I [female age 26] was getting dressed and I usually put on apply makeup. My 2 yr old son likes to watch me. I try giving him the iPad but he just likes to watch me."
"I'm very wary when it comes to things like this. But whatever he's 2. He doesn't know anything about gender norms just yet."
"So yesterday I was sat applying my makeup and my 2 yr old came in, took my beauty blender and started dabbing his face. I thought it was funny so called my husband to come look."
"He wasn't as amused as I was, tbh he was angry. Took the blender from him. Then told me to stop trying to make our son feminine. I told him he's only 2 but he said it starts early."
"I feel bad now. But I obviously didn't think it was that much of a big deal."
"AITA?"
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided:
"NTA for letting your kid play with make up... but... Your kid is going to be who he is, and it doesn't matter if you let him access make up now or when he's fifteen."
"Right now, he's two and he's just trying to mimic you-that's how kids feel involved in adult's lives and routines, mimicking and participating. There's nothing wrong with that."
"But the attitude of 'making a kid feminine' or as if make up or femininity or being gay or whatever it is that you all are scared of is going to ruin your kid…"
"…either now or down the road, may end up being the death of him. The homophobia isn't just going to vanish, but if your son is in anyway queer, it's not going to disappear, either."
"Something to think about." - Brave-Act2816
"NTA. This is cute imho. My sisters would put make up and dresses on my brother when he was 6-8ish."
"They even braided his hair. They all laughed and had a great time, taking pictures (that I still have). Guess what?"
"My brother is an adult now and straight as an arrow and dresses like a normal man. It didn't make him less masculine or mess with his gender identity."
"If your child is consenting and having fun I see no reason not to have fun with things that aren't 'gender normative'."
"Your husband sounds close-minded and insecure about gender norms." - ElaNinja
"NTA, but your husband sure is. Your poor kid is probably sooo confused. He just was mimicking mommy and those blender feel nice tbh."
"Your husband has some serious issues imo, being mad about that is crazy."
"Your son's sexuality is completely non existent at 2 but god forbid he doesn't fit into your husbands idea of 'normal'…"
"…he's going to be an emotionally abusive father, personally I think he already is." - Hadtosignuptofothis
"ESH. Your husband is the bad guy here but you're not far behind. 'I'm very wary' of what? 'I feel bad now' why?"
"And the cherry on top for 'I try giving him an iPad'??"
"God forbid your toddler engages in a developmentally appropriate activity he wants to do (observing and copying his parent)…"
"…let's quickly distract him with overstimulating technology for no reason." - Kamila95
"NTA. Your son is 2 and trying to do things he sees his parents doing. It's a part of the learning process."
"Your husband, on the other hand, is showing all sorts of prejudices and toxic masculinity. First of all, your son is 2, who cares if he is imitating you."
"Second, who cares if he winds up not being the 'masculine man' your husband wants? What's important is that your son becomes the person he needs to be to be happy."
"Take note of this - this is a first hint that your husband will punish your son if he shows signs of not adhering to the image of what he thinks his son should become." - bamf1701
"NTA, but your husband is. Your son is only 2, he is playing. Besides if he ends up belonging to the LBTGQ ...+ community, his playing with your makeup will not have made the slightest difference."
"'It' doesn't begin early, it is that way from before birth." - FragrantEconomist386
"NTA you married one of those clowns whose afraid of a man having any hint of femininity, which means you better hope your son likes girls as he grows up, or else your husband is gonna lose it."
"He sounds like a bigot." - Saiyan-b
"NTA"
"As a father of boys and girls, I'd say it's a good thing exploring curiosities."
"Dabbing a little bit of makeup isn't going to have an impact on a child's sexuality, that's based on how they feel about other people 🤷♂️"
"Your man needs to relax a little bit , kids will be kids and let them enjoy life while they don't have any real pressure like we do as adults." - WaliW0rld
"Absolutely YTA. For living with this a**hole and exposing your child to him. And for being 'very wary when it comes to things like this.'"
"How long before he starts hurting your child 'to toughen him up' so he'll 'be a man'?? Let your son be whoever tf he wants to be." - Jihiro42
"YTA for saying he doesn't understand gender norms yet. How about you don't teach about gender norms. Why are you so wary about a boy playing with makeup?"
"NTA for letting your child play with it." - Lcdmt3
"ESH"
"Let the kid be a kid. When both you and your husband are so concerned with gender roles that it's gotten to this point, that's sad."
"And yes OP you're partially to blame because you went out of your way to worry about gender roles and then go 'oh but he's 2 it's okay'."
"Makeup is for EVERYONE and your kid could grow up with an interest in makeup and become a successful stylist one day. There's nothing wrong with that."
"Tl:Dr; gender roles are bullsh*t stop worrying about it." - Painey_Pants
"NTA your son seems like he just wanted to spend time and do something with you, and instead of asking to do something he wanted…"
"…he probably just thought 'oh mommy does this alot and i like mommy so im gonna do it too' or something. i doubt there was anything meaningful behind it."
"i did the same thing when i was younger, saw my mom doing her nails and asked if she could do mine too just because i wanted to do something with her."
"as for your husband, he is def TA in this. getting angry over a child exploring things is only going to scare your child into not exploring anything and becoming something he might not like."
"or to be too scared to break out of that shell to feel comfortable in himself." - puppyGwen
"ESH"
"You're 'very wary' of things like this? You both sound transphobic and homophobic. Experimenting with makeup at any age doesn't make a child gay or trans."
"They're born that way and there's a lot of indication that being gay or trans has to do with genetics and epigenetics."
"If you have an identical twin that is gay there's a 50% chance you're gay. If the twin is trans it's a 25% chance." - Harmonia_PASB
"Nta I just want to say I understand. My lo when he was 18-36 months, wanted to do everything I did."
"Husband also disliked that he wanted his nails painted or he wanted henna (I am Indian) on his hands."
"I had to explain to him : He is two. He just idolises his mom so wants to do everything I do. At 5 now, he still sometimes applies my lipstick and my hubby now finds it cute."
"So just talk to your husband, explain to him why your kiddo may be copying you and if possible, share some reading with him so he sees how normal this is for kids to do." - Nimbupani2000
"I'm gonna say, ESH."
"You don't suck for letting him play with makeup. However, you do suck for being 'wary'. Your husband sucks for being an obvious homophobe."
"You're okay with it now, but if your kid was 5, you'd feel the same way as your husband. That sucks."
"I'm also a 26f mom of a 2 year old. I have a daughter, but I nanny a 2 year old boy. They both love doing makeup with my younger sister."
"They're actually both getting makeup for Christmas from her. The boy's parents are not at all 'wary' about this."
"The boy is having fun, and mimicking adults in his life which is totally natural. Plus, they know you can't make a kid queer."
"Your kid is and will be who he is whether you and your husband support him, or he has to be who he is in secrecy from you both."
"If he can be himself no matter if that is macho masculine man, feminine queer man, or anywhere in between, and you can support and love him all the same, he will be much happier for it."
"If he were to end up queer, and you guys continue on your gender norms bullsh*t, he will not do well."
"Depression, anxiety, and suicide often plague queer kids with homophobic/transphobic/lgbtq+phobic parents."
"Not to mention he'll likely go no contact with you when he moves out."
"Reevaluate your ideals for your son and future children. Reevaluate your husband if he is going to continue being this toxic, and likely eventually emotionally abusive, if he's not already."
"Good luck 🫣" - illiteratehighlady
Sounds like this little boy will grow up with some daddy issues…
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Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp