The decision to have children is one more couples are putting off until their financial situation is secure. But what if one partner finds out the other hasn’t been entirely truthful?
A wife and newly stay-at-home mother turned to the “Am I The A**Hole” (AITAH) subReddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
Primary-Strength-829 asked:
“AITAH for telling my husband that I am going back on our agreement and I don’t care if he cries about it?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My husband and I (both 32) have been together since we were 19. Our entire relationship feels like it just blew up in my face, basically, and I can’t tell if I am overreacting.”
“So, we both wanted 1 child and we have planned this for YEARS. We wanted everything perfect first. The home, the careers, the savings, the investments, the nest egg, etc… because we both knew from very early on that once we had a baby, I would be staying home full time and raising our child.”
“His brother’s life was unfortunately cut short by a daycare worker when he was just 5 months old, back in 2017. So daycare wasn’t an option basically and we need to make sure our ducks were in a row so I could stay home and be a full time parent.”
“Two years ago we were sitting on half a million in investments, a few nest eggs in different types of savings and bonds accounts, we bought the house, we even bought a damn boat. Everything we planned for fell in to place, finally, and we started trying for a baby.”
“We now have a perfect 4-week-old daughter. I have been out of work since I was 5 months pregnant, due to placenta abruption—but otherwise everything went fine. She’s perfectly healthy, was a good weight and I bounced back from the delivery fairly quickly because of how much of a support system my husband was.”
“He did more than his fair share, while still working full time. Which is partially why I cannot tell if I am being dramatic or if this is hormones or postpartum depression (PPD) or whatever.”
“Like I am legitimately livid.”
“So, basically, earlier this afternoon I get a phone call from DHHS to go over health insurance options and whether or not the baby is eligible for state insurance based off our income. I had already given DHHS all of our info (social security numbers, DOB, etc…) when they called yesterday and was just waiting for all our info and assets to be pulled.”
“Anyways, she calls and says we arent eligible because my husband makes too much money and that we will need to add her to our private insurance. Absolutely no problem at all! I kind of figured that anyways.”
“But then she off handedly mentions that my husband is making $10,920 monthly gross and that the cut off for state insurance is $7,830 monthly gross. Well… here’s the issue… for months my husband has been telling me that he only makes $6k a month after taxes.”
“So I get off the phone and I log in to my husband’s computer and into his banking and sure enough, his monthly take home is bordering around $8500. He is transferring everything over $6k in to an account I didn’t even know existed.”
“So, I call him out on it and he breaks down and tells me that he ‘just wanted something that was only his’. Please keep in mind that ALL of my money has ALWAYS gone in to our joint account that he uses on a daily basis.”
“So he is hiding money from me so he can have his own money, while plugging away at mine. Over $45k he has sitting in that account. While telling me last week that we couldn’t have steak for dinner because spending $38 on 2 steaks was a ‘waste of money’.”
“So, I told him I am putting the baby in daycare and going back to work because obviously I need to safeguard myself if he is hiding away money. Something feels off about it, I don’t know.”
“He instantly started crying (see above, daycare trauma), but I truly just don’t trust him financially anymore. I no longer feel secure here. I said I changed my mind about giving up my career and I don’t care if he cries about it.”
“AITAH?”
The OP later added:
“He said he didnt know why he did it. That he just wanted something that was ‘only his’ in case anything went wrong.”
“I asked him if he was willing to put it in the joint account so we could make it fairly distributed between us so I have my own, as well as him having his own, and he said he ‘didnt think he was comfortable with that’.”
“No money has been taken out of the account. He is just stashing a bunch of money away and still using our joint account, which has all of my money in it.”
“If we go based off how his family is, he would technically be following in his dad’s footsteps. Maybe that’s why this immediately struck me as super off.”
“His mom became a SAHM when he was born and his dad financially destroyed her by putting money aside in secret accounts for his mistress. His dad then divorced his mother after 26 years and married the mistress a year later (who was only 25) and had a baby within that same year.”Â
“The only difference is that the money my husband is taking from our joint account isn’t being touched. It’s just sitting in a seperate bank account. There are zero transactions.”
“So he is basically just hiding money, just like his father did, even though he claims to hate his father with a passion for destroying his mom financially the way he did.”
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not wrong to protect themself and their child (NTA).
“Flat out ask him if he plans to get a mistress, too.” ~ arahzel
“My husband told me how much he hated his father for the way his father treated his mom, etc… so I thought ‘well here’s a man who is aware of the sh*t some married women get put through so I won’t have to worry about him on that front’.”
“Nah, he did the exact same sh*t his dad did. Difference between me and his mom is it’s a different time now (his parents were born in the early 30s and had him late in life) so I stood up for myself and called him out on his bs. I told him therapy or divorce.”
“We’re still married, but it took him a long-a** time to regain any of my trust. If I’m being honest, he’ll never fully have it ever again. He knows this and bitterly complained about it in therapy, but the therapist and I told him these are the consequences of his actions and if he’s angry at anybody it should be himself.”
“I hope you’re able to repair things if that is what you desire. He needs to be a fully engaged participant if that’s going to happen.” ~ Loose-Chemical-4982
“Unfortunately, he now has baby trapped you, got you to give up your career, and he’s setting up to be just like his dad. All while he says he hates him?”
“I’ll call bs on that. Your husband is lying and is up to no good. He claims he hates what his dad did to his mom all while starting to do the same things his dad did to you.”
“A tragedy struck years ago and that’s unfortunate. Another tragedy struck his mom through his dad’s actions. Actions your husband is now repeating against you.”
“It’s no wonder why this would disturb you. It was never part of your plan, and now he says he is not comfortable moving that money back to the joint account? Wtf.
“This is not going to end well if you don’t pull your money out and put in your own account he can’t touch. And get back to work ASAP.”
“If he doesn’t want his child in daycare, he can become a stay-at-home dad and put all his trust in you to take care of him. Because he just destroyed your trust in him and you seriously cannot trust him with the financial aspects of your life ever again.”
“I actually think you should consult with a divorce attorney, file for divorce to freeze those funds, and split your marital assets 50/50 to ensure all your funds are not used up during the time you’re a stay-at-home mom.”
“You are currently in the exact same place your mother-in-law (MIL) was in. You can see an example of the future. I wouldn’t be a bit surprised if you learn this is exactly how it started for your MIL.”
“Baby trapped at home, fully trusting her husband, while he started saving under the guise it’s an emergency fund. And then made his double life when he had enough set aside.”
“Your husband is headed down his own path of betrayal that he himself started when he secretly started stealing from your joint account as he literally LIED to you about his income. Seriously OP, he intentionally lied to you to hide his income.”
“You cannot sugar coat this. May be a good time for you to sit with your MIL and get the full story directly from her without others involved in your conversation.” ~ Existing_Guard9742
“NTA. It appears to me that he has already gone back on your agreement by deceiving you about his finances.”
“If he wanted something that was his, you could have agreed to have separate personal accounts as well as joint accounts that fund your regular expenses.”
“Why didn’t it occur to him that you might want something that was just yours? I wouldn’t trust him either.” ~ NobodybutmyshadowRed
OP’s husband creating a secret account just for himself while also demanding OP not work was deemed very sketchy behavior.
Any trust should be a thing of the past.