For most people, death is a difficult part of life to comprehend.
And with certain deaths, it can also be very confusing as why we have emotion at all.
When we mourn people from the past, it regurgitates so many memories and feelings.
It all becomes a mess of emotion.
Case in point…
Redditor craddddy wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
“AITA for missing my wife’s annual Christmas party because my ex died?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My wife and I have been married for 3 years.”
“Ever since we met I’ve gone with her to a holiday party hosted by her and her best friend.”
“It’s a fairly large party, that grows every year.”
“This year I did not attend, my wife is still pretty upset with why I didn’t.”
“Two days before the party I was notified my ex fiancée had passed.”
“I didn’t know the details, but it hit me very hard.”
“To be honest, towards the end of things we didn’t have the best relationship and I’ll spare those details.”
“She was an addict and had relapsed which heavily influenced the ending of our relationship.”
“I went through a lot of grief leaving her in that state, maybe it hit me because I feel like I didn’t do enough to help her.”
“In any case, I was pretty down and did not feel like socializing.”
“I told my wife I was going to skip the party.”
“When I was first notified I told my wife to which she said, ‘I’m sorry, are you ok?'”
“I thought she would understand my reasoning, but she did not.”
“She was quite offended I was bothered enough about my ex that I wouldn’t feel up to her party.”
“After the party she came home and said, ‘I can’t believe you’re this upset about some junkie.'”
“I was honestly taken back by her cold, callous attitude.”
“My ex was a daughter, a mother, a sister.”
“She was somebody that was messed up from life.”
“I spent the next several days and into Christmas putting on a fake happy face and tried not thinking about my ex.”
“Over the weekend I had more calls about the details involving her death, which further upset me.”
“My wife noticing something was off with me asked if I still loved her (my ex), and is that why I’m ‘devastated.’”
“She said it’s weird how I’m mourning the loss of my ex when I haven’t had anything to do with her in years.”
“I explained to my wife she (my ex) was my first love and I did love her as a person.”
“Last night I told my wife I will be attending my ex’s funeral and I’d like for her to come if she wanted.”
“She became angered by that, saying she doesn’t want to go near a junkie’s funeral because the place will be full of addicts.”
“Which might be partially true but I think I should be allowed to pay my last respects regardless.”
“She told me if I end up going, ‘we’re going to have problems.’”
“I don’t know what she meant by that, but she threw in my face how this ‘ruined’ our holiday and again stated she can’t believe I missed her party because of my ex.”
“She told me I need to seek professional help because it’s not normal for a married man to be upset about his ex dying.”
“I began thinking maybe she’s right, I don’t know why I’m mourning her loss.”
“I began asking myself if I still had feelings for my ex, but in my head I knew things were done.”
“I wouldn’t have married my wife if I felt things weren’t finished with a previous relationship.”
“I’ve practically stopped myself from grieving because I guess it shouldn’t have mattered to me.”
“I asked my wife if she’d be upset if her ex died, she said that’s different because she shares a child with him.”
“So AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“I’m so sorry for your loss.”
“Reading your post I could feel the emotion here.”
“This young man unfortunately didn’t get to share his gifts with the world.”
“That’s so sad to me.”
“What he did do though is share his gifts with you so you can share them with the world.”
“Honor his memory the best you can.”
“The way he died is irrelevant to me.”
“He sounds like he was a good guy with an unfortunate problem.”
“Hold onto your memories, they sustain us.” ~ gailichisan
“I’m guessing your wife has never dealt with someone close to her whose an addict. So it’d easy for her to judge and call your ex wife a ‘junkie.'”
“I was a little like your wife a long time ago.”
“I didn’t understand the full extent of addiction and how an addict could become one.”
“It wasn’t until I hit my 20s and started losing friends and family to addiction that I realized how painful everything is.”
“And there isn’t much you can do to help someone when they can’t help themselves.”
“I’m sorry for your loss.”
“And you should go to your exes funeral, going by your self is okay.” ~ PinkPicklePants
“I have a family member who is also an addict, you did everything you could and that is ok.”
“Please don’t feel guilty for the choices you made.”
“She had to be the one to help herself and so it’s ok to mourn the loss.”
“I’m really sorry you aren’t getting the support you need but you definitely are allowed to be upset and take time to grieve the loss.”
“Be kind to yourself as you process this.”
“It is a big deal.” ~ herecomestreble17
“THIS right here.”
“OP, please don’t feel guilty – I’m sure you did the very best you could.”
“There’s absolutely no benefit in thinking about could’ve and should’ve.”
“Please take time to grieve.”
“I’m so sorry that your wife is so unsupportive here.”
“She appears to be really lacking in empathy and understanding. NTA.” ~ EmeraldBlueZen
“I’m so incredibly sorry for your loss.”
“You’re allowed to mourn the passing of a person who has significance in your life even after you’ve removed them. NTA.” ~ herecomestreble17
OP responded…
“Thank you. My wife doesn’t understand that for one thing I value life.”
“I feel almost guilty for giving up on my ex and not trying to harder to get her help.”
“I feel bad for her son, that needlessly lost his mother so early in life.”
“There’s a lot more to it than this woman dying, but my wife doesn’t see that.”
Reddit came back…
“When my husband (then boyfriend) and I moved in together, his ex passed away in a somewhat similar situation.”
“She wasn’t very nice to me prior, but I supported him through it all because he was hurting.”
“He helped her family that whole week before the funeral.”
“He also helped carry her casket.”
“And spent time in her family home with her friends, fiancée, and loved ones.”
“It was a truly strange and honestly difficult situation for me but it also wasn’t about me at all.”
“I loved him immensely and tried my best to help him grieve the way he needed.”
“Your wife should do the same.”
“I’m so sorry for your loss and hope you find some healing. NTA.” ~ Magicsoftheforest
“You nailed it.”
“OPs wife was not understanding or supportive in any way it sounds.”
The. On top of that she threatens him with ‘we are going to have problems? WTF!?'”
“You are definitely NTA OP. Good luck.” ~ JusttryininMR
“NTA. Your wife is being callous, jealous and immature.”
“I had a friend in high school, we lost touch when we went to college, then I got a call nearly 10 years later that she had committed suicide.”
“I was devastated, I attended her funeral and I grieved along with all our old friends and her family.”
“If I felt that level of grief for a friend I’d lost touch with and no longer had a relationship with, it’s insane to think you wouldn’t grieve for the death of your ex fiancée.” ~ bobdole4eva
“NTA, when my husband and I were still together we found out his ex girlfriend died from an overdose.”
“She was his first serious relationship and also an addict.”
“I asked if he wanted to go to her services but in his case he wanted nothing to do with it, but I don’t know why anyone would be so cold hearted about saying goodbye.” ~ ViciousA**Koala
“Your wife is lacking some serious empathy. She seems… pretty awful.”
“I’m sorry for your loss.”
“I hope you do go to the funeral for your own closure.”
“I have addicts in my extended family, and we’ve lost four so far, five if you count the brother from another father”.
“(Herion, meth, opoids, opoids, and fentonall) It never gets easier.”
“Just so you know, don’t blame yourself.”
“You did what you could, but in the end, you can only get them so far.”
“The loss of a friend, a family member to an addiction, is a terrible tragedy of what could have been, and you have my deepest sympathy.”
“Each one of the five was a person, just like your ex was, who was loved and is missed every day.”
“So no. Your wife is wrong and a HUGE a**hole.” ~ mallory2022
“Your wife seems to lack basic empathy or understanding regarding this issue. NTA.” ~ RecipeNo101
Well OP, Reddit is with you.
You deserve to grieve and process.
It sounds like you and your wife could use some therapy together and apart.
So sorry for your loss.