For most people, death is a difficult part of life to comprehend.
And with certain deaths, it can also be very confusing as why we have emotion at all.
When we mourn people from the past, it regurgitates so many memories and feelings.
It all becomes a mess of emotion.
Case in point...
Redditor craddddy wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
"AITA for missing my wife's annual Christmas party because my ex died?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My wife and I have been married for 3 years."
"Ever since we met I've gone with her to a holiday party hosted by her and her best friend."
"It's a fairly large party, that grows every year."
"This year I did not attend, my wife is still pretty upset with why I didn't."
"Two days before the party I was notified my ex fiancée had passed."
"I didn't know the details, but it hit me very hard."
"To be honest, towards the end of things we didn't have the best relationship and I'll spare those details."
"She was an addict and had relapsed which heavily influenced the ending of our relationship."
"I went through a lot of grief leaving her in that state, maybe it hit me because I feel like I didn't do enough to help her."
"In any case, I was pretty down and did not feel like socializing."
"I told my wife I was going to skip the party."
"When I was first notified I told my wife to which she said, 'I'm sorry, are you ok?'"
"I thought she would understand my reasoning, but she did not."
"She was quite offended I was bothered enough about my ex that I wouldn't feel up to her party."
"After the party she came home and said, 'I can't believe you're this upset about some junkie.'"
"I was honestly taken back by her cold, callous attitude."
"My ex was a daughter, a mother, a sister."
"She was somebody that was messed up from life."
"I spent the next several days and into Christmas putting on a fake happy face and tried not thinking about my ex."
"Over the weekend I had more calls about the details involving her death, which further upset me."
"My wife noticing something was off with me asked if I still loved her (my ex), and is that why I'm 'devastated.'"
"She said it's weird how I'm mourning the loss of my ex when I haven't had anything to do with her in years."
"I explained to my wife she (my ex) was my first love and I did love her as a person."
"Last night I told my wife I will be attending my ex's funeral and I'd like for her to come if she wanted."
"She became angered by that, saying she doesn't want to go near a junkie's funeral because the place will be full of addicts."
"Which might be partially true but I think I should be allowed to pay my last respects regardless."
"She told me if I end up going, 'we're going to have problems.'"
"I don't know what she meant by that, but she threw in my face how this 'ruined' our holiday and again stated she can't believe I missed her party because of my ex."
"She told me I need to seek professional help because it's not normal for a married man to be upset about his ex dying."
"I began thinking maybe she's right, I don't know why I'm mourning her loss."
"I began asking myself if I still had feelings for my ex, but in my head I knew things were done."
"I wouldn't have married my wife if I felt things weren't finished with a previous relationship."
"I've practically stopped myself from grieving because I guess it shouldn't have mattered to me."
"I asked my wife if she'd be upset if her ex died, she said that's different because she shares a child with him."
"So AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"I'm so sorry for your loss."
"Reading your post I could feel the emotion here."
"This young man unfortunately didn't get to share his gifts with the world."
"That's so sad to me."
"What he did do though is share his gifts with you so you can share them with the world."
"Honor his memory the best you can."
"The way he died is irrelevant to me."
"He sounds like he was a good guy with an unfortunate problem."
"Hold onto your memories, they sustain us." ~ gailichisan
"I'm guessing your wife has never dealt with someone close to her whose an addict. So it'd easy for her to judge and call your ex wife a 'junkie.'"
"I was a little like your wife a long time ago."
"I didn't understand the full extent of addiction and how an addict could become one."
"It wasn't until I hit my 20s and started losing friends and family to addiction that I realized how painful everything is."
"And there isn't much you can do to help someone when they can't help themselves."
"I'm sorry for your loss."
"And you should go to your exes funeral, going by your self is okay." ~ PinkPicklePants
"I have a family member who is also an addict, you did everything you could and that is ok."
"Please don't feel guilty for the choices you made."
"She had to be the one to help herself and so it's ok to mourn the loss."
"I'm really sorry you aren't getting the support you need but you definitely are allowed to be upset and take time to grieve the loss."
"Be kind to yourself as you process this."
"It is a big deal." ~ herecomestreble17
"THIS right here."
"OP, please don't feel guilty - I'm sure you did the very best you could."
"There's absolutely no benefit in thinking about could've and should've."
"Please take time to grieve."
"I'm so sorry that your wife is so unsupportive here."
"She appears to be really lacking in empathy and understanding. NTA." ~ EmeraldBlueZen
"I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss."
"You're allowed to mourn the passing of a person who has significance in your life even after you've removed them. NTA." ~ herecomestreble17
OP responded...
"Thank you. My wife doesn't understand that for one thing I value life."
"I feel almost guilty for giving up on my ex and not trying to harder to get her help."
"I feel bad for her son, that needlessly lost his mother so early in life."
"There's a lot more to it than this woman dying, but my wife doesn't see that."
Reddit came back...
"When my husband (then boyfriend) and I moved in together, his ex passed away in a somewhat similar situation."
"She wasn't very nice to me prior, but I supported him through it all because he was hurting."
"He helped her family that whole week before the funeral."
"He also helped carry her casket."
"And spent time in her family home with her friends, fiancée, and loved ones."
"It was a truly strange and honestly difficult situation for me but it also wasn't about me at all."
"I loved him immensely and tried my best to help him grieve the way he needed."
"Your wife should do the same."
"I'm so sorry for your loss and hope you find some healing. NTA." ~ Magicsoftheforest
"You nailed it."
"OPs wife was not understanding or supportive in any way it sounds."
The. On top of that she threatens him with 'we are going to have problems? WTF!?'"
"You are definitely NTA OP. Good luck." ~ JusttryininMR
"NTA. Your wife is being callous, jealous and immature."
"I had a friend in high school, we lost touch when we went to college, then I got a call nearly 10 years later that she had committed suicide."
"I was devastated, I attended her funeral and I grieved along with all our old friends and her family."
"If I felt that level of grief for a friend I'd lost touch with and no longer had a relationship with, it's insane to think you wouldn't grieve for the death of your ex fiancée." ~ bobdole4eva
"NTA, when my husband and I were still together we found out his ex girlfriend died from an overdose."
"She was his first serious relationship and also an addict."
"I asked if he wanted to go to her services but in his case he wanted nothing to do with it, but I don't know why anyone would be so cold hearted about saying goodbye." ~ ViciousA**Koala
"Your wife is lacking some serious empathy. She seems... pretty awful."
"I'm sorry for your loss."
"I hope you do go to the funeral for your own closure."
"I have addicts in my extended family, and we've lost four so far, five if you count the brother from another father".
"(Herion, meth, opoids, opoids, and fentonall) It never gets easier."
"Just so you know, don't blame yourself."
"You did what you could, but in the end, you can only get them so far."
"The loss of a friend, a family member to an addiction, is a terrible tragedy of what could have been, and you have my deepest sympathy."
"Each one of the five was a person, just like your ex was, who was loved and is missed every day."
"So no. Your wife is wrong and a HUGE a**hole." ~ mallory2022
"Your wife seems to lack basic empathy or understanding regarding this issue. NTA." ~ RecipeNo101
Well OP, Reddit is with you.
You deserve to grieve and process.
It sounds like you and your wife could use some therapy together and apart.
So sorry for your loss.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp