For most people, death is a difficult part of life to comprehend.
And with certain deaths, it can also be very confusing as why we have emotion at all.
When we mourn people from the past, it regurgitates so many memories and feelings.
It all becomes a mess of emotion.
Case in point...
Redditor craddddy wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
"AITA for missing my wife's annual Christmas party because my ex died?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My wife and I have been married for 3 years."
"Ever since we met I've gone with her to a holiday party hosted by her and her best friend."
"It's a fairly large party, that grows every year."
"This year I did not attend, my wife is still pretty upset with why I didn't."
"Two days before the party I was notified my ex fiancée had passed."
"I didn't know the details, but it hit me very hard."
"To be honest, towards the end of things we didn't have the best relationship and I'll spare those details."
"She was an addict and had relapsed which heavily influenced the ending of our relationship."
"I went through a lot of grief leaving her in that state, maybe it hit me because I feel like I didn't do enough to help her."
"In any case, I was pretty down and did not feel like socializing."
"I told my wife I was going to skip the party."
"When I was first notified I told my wife to which she said, 'I'm sorry, are you ok?'"
"I thought she would understand my reasoning, but she did not."
"She was quite offended I was bothered enough about my ex that I wouldn't feel up to her party."
"After the party she came home and said, 'I can't believe you're this upset about some junkie.'"
"I was honestly taken back by her cold, callous attitude."
"My ex was a daughter, a mother, a sister."
"She was somebody that was messed up from life."
"I spent the next several days and into Christmas putting on a fake happy face and tried not thinking about my ex."
"Over the weekend I had more calls about the details involving her death, which further upset me."
"My wife noticing something was off with me asked if I still loved her (my ex), and is that why I'm 'devastated.'"
"She said it's weird how I'm mourning the loss of my ex when I haven't had anything to do with her in years."
"I explained to my wife she (my ex) was my first love and I did love her as a person."
"Last night I told my wife I will be attending my ex's funeral and I'd like for her to come if she wanted."
"She became angered by that, saying she doesn't want to go near a junkie's funeral because the place will be full of addicts."
"Which might be partially true but I think I should be allowed to pay my last respects regardless."
"She told me if I end up going, 'we're going to have problems.'"
"I don't know what she meant by that, but she threw in my face how this 'ruined' our holiday and again stated she can't believe I missed her party because of my ex."
"She told me I need to seek professional help because it's not normal for a married man to be upset about his ex dying."
"I began thinking maybe she's right, I don't know why I'm mourning her loss."
"I began asking myself if I still had feelings for my ex, but in my head I knew things were done."
"I wouldn't have married my wife if I felt things weren't finished with a previous relationship."
"I've practically stopped myself from grieving because I guess it shouldn't have mattered to me."
"I asked my wife if she'd be upset if her ex died, she said that's different because she shares a child with him."
"So AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"I'm so sorry for your loss."
"Reading your post I could feel the emotion here."
"This young man unfortunately didn't get to share his gifts with the world."
"That's so sad to me."
"What he did do though is share his gifts with you so you can share them with the world."
"Honor his memory the best you can."
"The way he died is irrelevant to me."
"He sounds like he was a good guy with an unfortunate problem."
"Hold onto your memories, they sustain us." ~ gailichisan
"I'm guessing your wife has never dealt with someone close to her whose an addict. So it'd easy for her to judge and call your ex wife a 'junkie.'"
"I was a little like your wife a long time ago."
"I didn't understand the full extent of addiction and how an addict could become one."
"It wasn't until I hit my 20s and started losing friends and family to addiction that I realized how painful everything is."
"And there isn't much you can do to help someone when they can't help themselves."
"I'm sorry for your loss."
"And you should go to your exes funeral, going by your self is okay." ~ PinkPicklePants
"I have a family member who is also an addict, you did everything you could and that is ok."
"Please don't feel guilty for the choices you made."
"She had to be the one to help herself and so it's ok to mourn the loss."
"I'm really sorry you aren't getting the support you need but you definitely are allowed to be upset and take time to grieve the loss."
"Be kind to yourself as you process this."
"It is a big deal." ~ herecomestreble17
"THIS right here."
"OP, please don't feel guilty - I'm sure you did the very best you could."
"There's absolutely no benefit in thinking about could've and should've."
"Please take time to grieve."
"I'm so sorry that your wife is so unsupportive here."
"She appears to be really lacking in empathy and understanding. NTA." ~ EmeraldBlueZen
"I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss."
"You're allowed to mourn the passing of a person who has significance in your life even after you've removed them. NTA." ~ herecomestreble17
OP responded...
"Thank you. My wife doesn't understand that for one thing I value life."
"I feel almost guilty for giving up on my ex and not trying to harder to get her help."
"I feel bad for her son, that needlessly lost his mother so early in life."
"There's a lot more to it than this woman dying, but my wife doesn't see that."
Reddit came back...
"When my husband (then boyfriend) and I moved in together, his ex passed away in a somewhat similar situation."
"She wasn't very nice to me prior, but I supported him through it all because he was hurting."
"He helped her family that whole week before the funeral."
"He also helped carry her casket."
"And spent time in her family home with her friends, fiancée, and loved ones."
"It was a truly strange and honestly difficult situation for me but it also wasn't about me at all."
"I loved him immensely and tried my best to help him grieve the way he needed."
"Your wife should do the same."
"I'm so sorry for your loss and hope you find some healing. NTA." ~ Magicsoftheforest
"You nailed it."
"OPs wife was not understanding or supportive in any way it sounds."
The. On top of that she threatens him with 'we are going to have problems? WTF!?'"
"You are definitely NTA OP. Good luck." ~ JusttryininMR
"NTA. Your wife is being callous, jealous and immature."
"I had a friend in high school, we lost touch when we went to college, then I got a call nearly 10 years later that she had committed suicide."
"I was devastated, I attended her funeral and I grieved along with all our old friends and her family."
"If I felt that level of grief for a friend I'd lost touch with and no longer had a relationship with, it's insane to think you wouldn't grieve for the death of your ex fiancée." ~ bobdole4eva
"NTA, when my husband and I were still together we found out his ex girlfriend died from an overdose."
"She was his first serious relationship and also an addict."
"I asked if he wanted to go to her services but in his case he wanted nothing to do with it, but I don't know why anyone would be so cold hearted about saying goodbye." ~ ViciousA**Koala
"Your wife is lacking some serious empathy. She seems... pretty awful."
"I'm sorry for your loss."
"I hope you do go to the funeral for your own closure."
"I have addicts in my extended family, and we've lost four so far, five if you count the brother from another father".
"(Herion, meth, opoids, opoids, and fentonall) It never gets easier."
"Just so you know, don't blame yourself."
"You did what you could, but in the end, you can only get them so far."
"The loss of a friend, a family member to an addiction, is a terrible tragedy of what could have been, and you have my deepest sympathy."
"Each one of the five was a person, just like your ex was, who was loved and is missed every day."
"So no. Your wife is wrong and a HUGE a**hole." ~ mallory2022
"Your wife seems to lack basic empathy or understanding regarding this issue. NTA." ~ RecipeNo101
Well OP, Reddit is with you.
You deserve to grieve and process.
It sounds like you and your wife could use some therapy together and apart.
So sorry for your loss.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.