There are few greater gifts than bringing a newborn baby home.
Of course, for all the joy parenthood brings, it still comes with its fair share of challenges.
Namely, that it is a very rare occurrence for a baby to sleep through the night.
Of course, in a two-parent household, it would seem to be a given that nighttime duties will be equally shared.
Sadly, not all new parents seem willing to split duties 50/50.
Redditor ThrowRAboundryornot and her husband recently brought home their first child.
As was to be expected, sleep had steadily become a precious commodity.
Unfortunately, far too precious for the original poster (OP)'s husband, declaring his "sleep boundaries" were violated.
Having trouble accepting this accusation, the OP took to the subReddit "Would I Be The A**hole" (WIBTA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"WIBTAH if I told my husband his 'sleep boundries' went out the window when he had our son?"
The OP explained why she felt an intervention was needed with her husband:
"Husband (we will call Brad, 28 M[ale]), and I (28 F[emale]) have been together 2.5 years."
"Had our son in January."
"Things have been pretty great, but this had me feeling kind of...annoyed?"
"Brad is diagnosed with autism and ADHD, which can make communication between us challenging at times, but we do our best."
"We live in Europe, NOT US."
"Since Brad has AuDHD, he only works at 50%, the other half is covered by a health insurance here on a temporary basis, and every few months he has to keep applying for more."
"It is stressful, as we wait for him to hopefully get on a permanent coverage."
"Since this is so up in the air, instead of me taking a full year of mat leave, he took a majority of the days in case his temp health insurance is denied for some reason, then he can keep his work schedule at 50% and still get paid on the days he has off."
"Which means I went back to work part time."
"I WFH as a private teacher."
"I choose my hours, since my students USUALLY live in different countries, I chose some in the afternoon when Brad is home with our son, and at nights, when my students would be awake and Brad is also home."
"I only have one student in the evening, 23:00 - 23:30 twice a week."
"This is to help with some income, and we discussed this before I even went back to work."
"He had asked no students past midnight."
"So if Baby is having issues sleeping, he can take care of him and hopefully get him to sleep."
"Well, Brad got back on a schedule where he wants to go to bed at 23:00...every night."
"We try to, but with a baby, sometimes...it just does not happen."
"Baby sometimes will stay asleep when I put him to bed (I nurse him to sleep), and sometimes he wakes up screaming."
"Well, last night I told Brad I had my student at 23:00, and I would try to have Baby sleeping by then."
"He asked me, 'What is your plan if Baby wakes up?'"
"'My bedtime is 23:00, so hopefully you have thought of something'."
"I said, 'Well, hopefully he stays asleep'."
"'If not, you will just have to take care of him, or put him on his play mat and entertain him'."
"He resolutely said, 'Bedtime is 23:00, and I will go to bed'."
"Come 23:00, Baby is in bed, and Brad is just getting out of the shower."
"I guess he woke up moments after I started with my student, as when I came out of the office, he was walking around with Baby."
"I took him, nursed him back to sleep and went to bed also shortly after 23:30."
"This morning, he was a bit annoyed with me."
"When I tried to hug him good-bye as he was leaving to work, he did not hug me back."
"We always do this before he leaves, so I said, 'Are you upset with me still?'"
"He replied, 'Yes, you crossed my boundary'."
"My bedtime is 23:00'."
"'We disucssed this'."
"I go to bed, and anything past that is your problem to solve if Baby wakes up."
"He left for work...and I was just thinking...what?"
"I feel I need to have some discussion with Brad about this, but WIBTAH if I told him he has no more boundaries with his sleep and he is being ridiculous?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The Reddit community was in agreement that the OP would not be the a**hole for confronting her husband about his "sleep boundaries".
Everyone agreed that the OP's husband needed to step up when it came to his parenting duties and get over his "sleep boundaries," and his AuDHD was no excuse:
"YWNBTA."
"This is my bedtime no matter what" just isn't a luxury that parents of young children have unless you're willing/able to pay significantly for some sort of live-in nanny."- hatterson
"NTA and your husband doesn't understand how boundaries work."
"You can't just clock out of being a parent."
"That's not a boundary, that's neglect."- UneducatedPotatoTato
"NTA."
"I'm also AuDHD and have a 7-month-old and a 6-year-old."
"When I'm ready for sleep, that's all I want and being woken up or kept awake makes me feel like sh*t."
"But I suck it the f*ck up because the baby is not the best sleeper."
"He wakes up often and wants to be nursed back to sleep."
"Do I want to do it?"
"No."
"I have to do it, though."
"AuDHD is no excuse to get out of responsibilities."
"It's okay to struggle with the challenges of being a parent and being AuDHD, but you still have to parent."- _Counting_Worms_1
"NTA."
"Your husband is being ridiculous."
"He is a father, he should act like it."
"Babies wake up in the night, it's not fair to expect you to take care of it all by yourself, while he peacefully sleeps every night."
"He is a parent, he needs to parent his child."- AccomplishedIce2853
"NTA."
"This is unacceptable."
"'What is your plan if Baby wakes up?'"
"'My bedtime is 23:00, so hopefully you have thought of something'."
"Parenting is a team effort."
"He can't just sit it out."
The OP later returned with an update, sharing how she handled things with her husband and where things currently stood:
"So, he came home."
"And we had a long, long talk, about how his words can be easily misunderstood, especially if he does not clarify to me, or I ask him to."
"How a baby = no boundary with sleep."
"We do our best, all we can do."
"We need to spend more time as a family, together."
"I explained how to a neurotypical person, his words and actions hurt, even if that is not his intent."
"That Baby is the priority always, even our mental health."
"We only have each other, and even tho I can sympathize with the mental health, you just have to push past it."
"I am doing all I can, and if you need help - ask for it."
"He is willing to get extra support at the neuropsych where we live beyond what he has."
"He is medicated and getting all the help he can, and will seek ways to cope."
"I made it clear that no way was his reaction ok, and it cannot happen again for Baby's sake."
"He seemed to understand."
"As some of you suggested him getting extra support for his AuDHD, he will."
"I will ask also for some counselling how to communicate better myself to him."
"Around the house, he will spend less time alone."
"More with us."
"Free time happens AFTER or WHEN baby sleeps."
"Not before."
"Games can be played in the living room where we are together."
"Also, my mother offered to be 'on call' if she has the time, so if my husband is alone with the Baby, she can videochat with the Baby, which he likes."
"I talk with her on video almost every day, and sometimes it can snap Baby into a better mood when he sees his Grammy."
"And yes, we live in Sweden."
"So we get 480 days between us and we can share/trade, so I can get some days back if it comes to it."
"I was never forced to give my days; it was my choice due to what was happening at the time."
"He only works 50% because that is what he feels he can do without burning himself out."
"He has other health issues (diabetic, EDS) that make him more exhausted."
"His job pays pretty well, but on just half his wage is not enough."
"If he gets permanent health insurance, it could take a few years."
"We HOPE."
"I am with him because when I met him, he was under less pressure."
"He is fully capable, had a job, cleaned his apartment, has a social life."
"I think the stress of having the health insurance and our son sometimes just...being a baby got to him."
"Prior to this, he has been a good husband, father, and considerate."
"I am not stupid."
"I was in an abusive relationship prior."
"My parents love him."
"Just not his behavior at times like now."
"He messed up."
"With his words."
"He has acknowledged that."
"Some of you thought it might be a deeper issue, but no."
"I asked and he just said he was upset because to him I was working at a time he did not agree to, but I had to remind him him wanting to go to bed at 23:00 was recent, as in back in May, when I started to go back to work."
"He just is stressed - from work, Baby, and just day-to-day things."
"He apologized for how he rejected my hug by standing there (he was annoyed, why he did not reciprocate), and how he worded things last night and this morning."
"I promised no students past 23:30."
"He said ofc he would NEVER let our son just cry if he was going to bed, I had student, and Baby was awake."
"Will it stick?"
"Idk, we just take one day at a time."
"Next step is couples counseling as opposed to individual counseling and involving my parents, whom he respects."
It's fair to say that no new parents are ever truly prepared for how much of their lives, specifically their nights, their new baby will take over.
That being said, anyone who makes a choice to bring a child into the world must be willing to make those sacrifices.
Something the OP's husband needs to learn to accept, and should have come to accept much earlier.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp