Work leave is among the most stressful of subjects for parents to have to address while they are preparing for their baby to enter the world.
That moment of returning to work while the baby is still small is incredibly hard for many, and the moment often comes far too soon, confided the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
The Redditor, who has since deleted her account, was shocked when her husband expected her to return to work even sooner than she had originally planned.
When he dismissed her discomfort, the Original Poster (OP) had conflicting feelings about how to move forward.
She asked the sub:
"AITA for getting offended at my husband's suggestion that I only take two weeks of maternity leave?"
The OP's planning for her baby was on-schedule and going well.
"I (25 female) am currently 25 weeks pregnant with my husband (34 male) and my 1st child."
"We have been together for 5 years, married for almost 2."
"Our baby is growing on track, we've already painted the nursery, and my MIL (mother-in-law) is excitedly planning the baby shower."
"I have a full-time office job while he has been working from home since the first lockdown."
Then her husband made an unexpected suggestion.
"We were talking about our parental leaves and we agreed that we wouldn't take it simultaneously."
"We were good until he said, 'Do you wanna do 2 weeks first, then I do mine, and then you do 6 weeks after?'"
"I just stood silently staring at him for 5 minutes. I told him I think he's being ignorant and selfish."
"He said, 'What? I don't know how long you need to recover. I don't even know why we're still talking about this.'"
"He works for an international company where they get 3 months paid paternity leave. Meanwhile, I work for a small business that only offers 6-8 weeks of unpaid maternity leave."
It turned out the husband had other reasons for his arrangement ideas.
"He has been anticipating his paternity leave since I got pregnant because he sees it as an opportunity to seriously start looking for another job."
"He has been with the company for 9 years and has been feeling burnt out. Lately, his frustrations have been compounded by his new manager being difficult."
"I've been very supportive of his goal of finding a job where he can be fulfilled and appreciated as I can sense that he's not happy at his job anymore."
"He also said that his current company will be considering him for a better position once he gets back from his paternity leave so that gets him kind of excited."
"We have a 6 figure income combined. I pay the mortgage while he takes care of the other bills. We have money in the bank, stocks, cars paid off. I don't think my maternity leave being unpaid is an issue because my savings could cover the 2 months that I wouldn't get a paycheck."
The OP was furious after their conversation.
"I didn't talk to him after his remark. He went to play video games on his computer while I folded his clothes."
"I slept on the couch and still have not talked to him at breakfast. He tried talking to me as I was about to leave for work but I just noped out of the house."
"I am upset that he doesn't think that I deserve to get some down time after giving birth to recover and spend time with our kid."
"I feel like he thinks growing an entire human being inside your body and then having to push that baby out is not a big deal."
"Maybe because I never complain about anything. I do 90% of the chores around the house, even carrying laundry from our bedroom on the top floor down to the basement to get them washed, and then back up the stairs to get them folded and put away."
"I feel like my in-laws are more concerned about my well-being than he is. My FIL (father-in-law) even bought us a litter robot so I won't have to clean after our cats."
"My family lives a few continents away so I don't have a huge support system here."
"AITA for being upset?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said the OP definitely deserved some time to heal and recover.
"It took me 2 weeks to even feel sort of human again. If you were expecting your old body to snap back, it doesn't work that way."
"You are sore, exhausted, and everything leaks. It is mentally exhausting not only due to lack of sleep, but those hormones that made you crazy before baby drop like a rock after baby, leaving you like an emotional bouncing ball."
"Even at 6 weeks, going back to work is difficult." - iadggm
"Two weeks in was my peak bad time. The sleep deprivation had really set in and the honeymoon period crashes and I was a sobbing mess." - Music_withRocks_In
"I had a c-section with both of my boys and at the 2-week mark, I was just barely off the pain medication. I needed the next 4 weeks to adjust to driving again, caring for baby, pumping, etc."
"Husband needs to realize that OP may need a c-section and let me tell ya, the first one is always a bitch to recover from; my second one was much easier to come back." - Any-Bit-2461
Others said the husband clearly didn't realize what paternity leave would look like.
"NTA - your husband is woefully mistaken about what is possible during paternity leave. First off, where I live, what you are getting doesn't even qualify for mat leave, it's what's considered the medically necessary leave to recover from childbirth."
"Is your husband even aware that he will be providing full-time care while he's off? Because it seems like he thinks this is a free vacation and not a responsibility." - OrangeCubit
"Is he prepared for the commitment a 2-week-old baby needs? Yes, they sleep all day but come sunset... Wow. When do we tell him about the witching hour?" - Scottish-squirrel
"You just know he'll be palming the baby off to his mother or sister or someone if he's really planning on preparing for a new career. He'll have it figured out already." - VanillaBean1988
"I would bet $1000 that his thought process is something along the lines of:"
"'Well, the baby will be two weeks old and will probably sleep most of the day! And of course, wife only works that easy office job - she can just take over as soon as she gets home! She already does (in her own words) 90% of the chores - how much more work could one tiny baby possibly add??'"
"This man is going to have a rude awakening when the baby is born." - InvisiblePlants
"Wait! What newborn sleeps all day? Nobody told my kids that. I feel severely cheated."
"My oldest didn't sleep more than 2 hours at a time until he was almost 9 months old. I was a single, full-time working mom, praying not to fall asleep at my desk."
"That dad has zero clue what is going on." - Trugem6
"He's a grown man. Why does she have to hold his hand?"
"I did not have to teach my husband about paternity leave or what my body would go through. Or teach him about postpartum recovery."
"He did his research. This is what women do to teach themselves, nobody teaches you at 14 how to have a baby. She does 90 percent of the chores, including carrying laundry upstairs. She just went back to doing laundry - not like he'll make her clean underwear, right?"
"Maybe if he stepped back from video games and spent some time thinking about how their lives are about to change, he would be a real partner." - LinwoodKei
A few said the OP really needed to talk to her husband about her feelings.
"You're not wrong, but can we talk for a moment about how OP has not communicated any of what she's feeling with her husband? He literally explains he doesn't know what she needs and her response is to give him the silent treatment for two days."
"She needs to communicate what she needs and not just expect him to know. I say this as a woman who is currently planning for kids; we haven't even started trying and we've had these conversations so my husband has clear expectations about his responsibilities during pregnancy and what to expect post-pregnancy."
"IMO (in my opinion), ESH, because Husband is clearly clueless (and could research it himself but hasn't) but the silent treatment is not an appropriate response to his ignorance either." - EliraeTheBow
"Well, she is during absolutely everything around the house so he can play video games on his computer. He has a nice little doormat, so he probably thinks this will continue."
"OP not only needs to speak up and tell him that he will need to help care for her and the baby, but that he is also AS OF NOW, doing 50% of household duties."
"Or maybe she should just move in with his parents, they sound nicer." - everyonemustlovecats
The subReddit completely understood why the OP was upset about what her husband had said, but there was a disagreement beyond that point.
Some hoped the OP would go back to communicating her feelings rather than administering the silent treatment, while others stated the husband was an adult who could do his own research about the healing process for a woman who has just birthed a baby.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp