Vacations should be fun, right?
The planning phase, however, is rarely enjoyable. In relationships, one person often ends up responsible for all trip planning once they prove to be good at it.
But it’s still not a fun activity, so the designated family travel guru should be thanked for their efforts.
A recent bride was feeling anything but gratitude from her husband of three months and his twin brother who for some reason tags along on their vacations.
After a trip filled with complaints from the duo, she turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback on a hypothetical “Would I Be The A**hole” (WIBTA) scenario.
“WIBTA for canceling Christmas?”
“I (31, female) am tired of planning vacations for my ungrateful husband (33, male) and his twin.”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My husband and I have been together for seven years, and married for three months. We both work high-stress jobs, with high incomes and no children, we are frugal and spend our money on savings and trips.”
“In our relationship, I plan our retirement, keep track of finances, host friends/family, arrange gifts, make appointments, and plan our vacations (we travel a lot).”
“For his part, he does laundry and cooks and does the dishes more than me. He gets along well with everyone and is the more ‘easy-going one.
“On our trips, I’ve asked my husband to help me with tasks ranging from helping me plan beforehand to finding an Uber. Usually, he ignores me until it’s too late and I have to make the decision, or he makes mistakes (getting an Uber to the wrong place or forgetting beach towels I asked him to bring).”
“Mistakes aren’t a big deal, but he places the blame for them on me.”
“This issue is not new to us, for our wedding I did 99% of the planning, and he promised in return that he would plan a honeymoon.”
“Right before the wedding he looked up a Costco package that was almost twice as expensive as we’d agreed to spend and that didn’t have guaranteed spots.”
“What I really wanted him to do was not to find an all-inclusive unaffordable trip (that we didn’t go on) but do something that was tailored to us.”
“My husband also has a twin brother that often comes along with us. Like my husband, his twin doesn’t help plan and he had never thanked me for planning trips for us.”
“He behaves like coming on the trips is a gift to me. Outside of this, I’ve tried to be his friend, but I feel no reciprocity.”
“I get him gifts for his birthday and holidays, text and call him, and include him (i.e. asking him if he wants me to write his name on a Mother’s Day card when he hasn’t helped pick a gift).”
“Right now, we’re all on a flight back from Hawaii where I researched hotels and flights, put together schedule, booked hikes and dinners, rented a car, etc…”
“When I brought up the fact that they complained a lot and never said thank you, my brother-in-law said that he told me the ‘sunset was nice’ and that is the same as a thank you.”
“When I told this to my husband and explained how upset I am with both of them for not helping me (not yelling but definitely not in a calm way) he told me to f*** myself.”
“My husband also said that if I cancel future trips that I’m no longer invited to my in-law’s Thanksgiving (the one thing his mom plans).”
“I’ve already planned and booked an elaborate three-week Christmas trip to Italy for the three of us (they say they want to go, while doing nothing), but I just feel exhausted.”
“At this point, I’m considering canceling it entirely, canceling my own portion, or canceling one or both of their portions and going solo.”
“Would I be the a**hole if I took one of those paths?”
The OP summed up their situation.
“Burned-out wife unsure about how to proceed after planning numerous unappreciated vacations for husband and brother-in-law, thinking about canceling an upcoming trip.”
“I’m considering canceling all or part of a three-person Christmas trip on behalf of others, I might be the a**hole because everything is paid for and booked already.”
She also provided clarification.
“I think this post makes it seem like he does ALL the housework, but in reality, I hired a maid and lawn person a long time ago to come regularly.”
“We also eat out and order in a lot (I do that too), so I’d say he cooks maybe once or twice a week—other meals I do for us—but they are more simple. And I clean a lot, the thing he does that is his sole job is the laundry.”
“He washes it all, but doesn’t put mine away. I really do appreciate that because I hate doing the laundry. Seriously my least favorite thing.”
“We also take 2 trips a month, for weddings/vacations/work, sometimes more—it’s really busy this summer, so I’d say we’re gone as often as we’re home. I also travel for work and he comes with a lot of the time.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You’re the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP would not be the a**hole (NTA) if she altered the trip.
“Your husband and his brother sound exhausting.”
“I would make that Christmas trip to Italy for only one person and enjoy not going to the in-laws for Thanksgiving.”
“NTA, but your husband and his weaponized incompetence sure is.” ~ IAmHerdingCatz
“Seriously. Stop hosting, stop doing the work, stop planning for other people. Give it six months, and then figure out what your next step is.”
“Are you okay in a marriage where nothing gets planned? Does your husband step up? Or would your time be better spent being single and looking for someone who wants to plan things with you?” ~ Honeycrispcombe
“Step 1 is to permanently shed the twin brother. Having him or any BFF—especially an ungrateful party—tag along on multiple, weeks-long trips to which they’ve contributed nothing, is madness.”
“It’s also bad enough to have to sign cards or shop for gifts on behalf of a lazy partner without also adulting for his inconsiderable AH of a brother.”
“Step 2 ends that. The ‘f you’ comment is beyond inappropriate.”
“That would have led more than a few Readers to Step 3, which is to consult a marriage counselor or a divorce lawyer.”
“Does MIL know about & abet this BS? Hubs cannot unilaterally ‘disinvite you’ from holiday or family events. Would his family support his punishment of you (& don’t downplay it, it is retribution intended to exert control).”
“NTA, but YWBTA if you continue to put up with his (& Bro’s) lack of gratitude, weaponized incompetence & verbal abuse.” ~ distantobserver20
“Okay, here was my advice prior to his f you comment. Stop. Stop buying gifts for his family. Stop planning vacations for the 3 of you and only plan vacations for you.”
“Activities, places to go, eat, see—all tailored for you. If BIL wants to join, he can book his own flights and hotel, you’re not his mommy.”
“BUT THEN I READ HIS F YOU COMMENT AND THE UNDISGUISED THREAT/RETALIATION COMMENT AND NOW I’M PISSED.”
“OP, the only thing worse than getting a divorce after only three months is getting a divorce only after three months and one day.”
“I don’t know if over the seven years the erosion of your self-worth, confidence was so subtle that you think you deserve to be spoken to or treated that way by someone who is supposed to love and respect you, but it’s not.”
“It’s not normal or healthy. Please leave, or at the very least, please find a therapist because you deserve so much more. NTA. And I hate your husband.” ~ Reasonable-Bad-769
“Yikes. Too bad you cannot go back in time three months. NTA.”
“You don’t have a partner. You have a taker. He is putting in the bare minimum effort and getting far more back.”
“You expressed your concerns, and he told you to F yourself. He is an AH. His brother is, too.” ~ 2Whom_it_May_Concern
“She is raising twins on her own. The twins are going through that difficult age (30-40ish) when they are testing boundaries, talking back, and disrespecting you.” ~ Winterplatypus
“I would say it sounds like she has two children, but that’s rude to children—at least they would be grateful. Also why is BIL clinging on like an unwelcome turd nugget to every holiday?”
“OP, stop organizing anything and see how the land lies after a while and what your husband’s reaction is, and I think you’ll get a clearer idea of who you married. He may be ‘easygoing’, but it’s easy for him to be, so knowing you’re doing all the work.”
“You have a taker, and he needs to step up and contribute. Sadly the ‘f**k you’ comment might be an indicator of things to come.”
“NTA, and I hope things get better for you.” ~ This_lousy_username
The OP provided an update but not a final decision on their Christmas trip.
“I just asked him to stay with a friend for the weekend to give me space.”
“I think that will help, and I’m not doing it because I’m mad. I just genuinely don’t want to just quickly make up and move on without addressing any of this.”
Hopefully the OP gets to have the much-needed conversation with her husband.
As for his twin, perhaps it’s time he got his own life since showing the OP consideration is too much to ask for.