No matter how many books they read or classes they take, nothing truly prepares first-time parents for what raising their first child will be like.
With this in mind, most new parents tend to ask their own parents for help, at least in the first few weeks of the baby’s arrival.
A request most new grandparents oblige without any hesitation.
However, there will come a point when new parents will need to stop relying on help from others.
Redditor helloslp and her husband had recently welcomed their first child.
As the original poster (OP)’s maternity leave was finally coming to an end, the OP asked her husband for help adjusting.
The OP’s husband was happy to oblige, with one provision.
A provision the OP was very firmly against for a very specific reason.
Wondering if she was being too hard on her husband, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for telling my husband to figure out how to take care of our son?”
The OP explained why she found herself at odds with her husband when it came to childcare:
“I (30 F[emale]) and my husband (33 M[ale]) welcomed our first child this past September.”
“I have been fortunate to be on maternity leave but that ends next week.”
“My husband had 2 months off and has been working full time since.”
“He’s off on Sundays and Mondays.”
“I have never left my son except to go to a wedding in December but we were only away for 3 of his wake hours.”
“My in laws watched over him and everything was fine.”
“I go back to work next week and my son will be attending day care.”
“My husband is off this entire week and we’ve just been taking a staycation.”
“I told my husband though I want one day on my own to get more comfortable from being away from our baby and that I want him to have the day with the baby on his own.”
“He has never been alone with him for more than an hour.”
“He is a good father though and will help out when needed.”
“But he has never been there for the full-blown cries and fussiness while having to take care of the house.”
“A few days ago, we went to a friend’s house, and our son was screaming bloody hell.”
“Whenever I held him, he would calm down.”
“Whenever my husband held him, he would just scream and cry even louder.”
“So my husband just passed him along to me.”
“I was getting frustrated cause I just wanted to relax with friends, and he couldn’t calm him down for a minute.”
“Today he tells me that his mom will be coming to help out.”
“I asked him to tell her never mind cause he should be able to do it on his own.”
“He called me ridiculous, and it shouldn’t matter, but I think it really does.”
“I can’t be bothered at work unless absolutely necessary so I wanted t this to be our ‘trial’.”
“His mom will also be working on Mondays so it’s not like she will be available to help out then.”
“His mom is taking his side, but of course, she will cause our son to be her only grandson.”
“I had a c section and I exclusively breastfed so I physically could not leave the baby in the first 2 months.”
“My lactation consultant told me not to pump until after 2 months as I needed to establish my milk supply.”
“He took care of my while I took care of baby.”
“He doesn’t do NOTHING.”
“When I started pumping, husband was already at work.”
“Husband does do feedings now.”
“This isn’t a punch towards his mother.”
“I adore her.”
“It’s really about him being independent with the baby.”
“She helps us and I always appreciate it.”
“When my husband is home, I do separate myself from them by going to a different room.”
“But he does often come to the room for help.”
“I’m not just dropping him off.”
“So AITA for telling husband to figure it out and step up?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community firmly agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for telling her husband he needed to be able to watch their son on his own.
Everyone agreed that the OP was absolutely right to call her husband out, as he was the baby’s father and needed not only to feel comfortable being alone with the baby, but to put a little more effort into his parenting:
“NTA.”
“He is the father of this child and should be able to handle him on his own.”
“Is it just the crying that he can’t seem to handle?”- bigbettie-0101
“NTA.”
“‘He is a good father though and will help out when needed’.”
“A good father doesn’t ‘help’, he ‘does’.”
“Do you ever say that you, as the mother, ‘help’ with the baby?”
“Of course not, because you know that your baby is your responsibility.”
“Guess what?”
“The baby is also his responsibility.”
“He has just as much responsibility to take care of the child you two have together as you do.”
“Man needs to step up.”- Queen_Sized_Beauty
“NTA.”
“He is not even meeting the minimum standard of parenting here.”
“He’s the one being ridiculous and his mother should know better than to enable her son.”-RoyallyOakie
“NTA.”
“But not you’re not hearing what he’s saying.”
“He’s saying that he’s not going to do it.”
“You can’t physically prevent him from bringing his mom over.”- pl487
“NTA.”
“He should be able to be alone with his own child.”
“Of course the baby cries with him, because the baby isn’t used to being alone with him.”
“That will gradually lessen as he spends one-on-one time with him.”
“This really was poor planning on both of your parts, though.”
“You’ve both had 4-5 months to get this figured out and to get acclimated with the baby.”
“This really should’ve been happening already, and he should’ve already been doing more before this.”
“But hindsight is 20/20.”
“He can’t rely on you or his mother or else he and the baby will never get comfortable with each other.”
“He needs to stop thinking of doing stuff with the baby as ‘helping out’.”
“He’s not helping out, he’s doing his job as a parent (and you worded it that way too, so maybe you need to stop encouraging the sentiment even if it’s only subconsciously).”- CrimsonKnight_004
“‘Whenever my husband held him, he would just scream and cry even louder. So my husband just passed him along to me. I was getting frustrated cause I just wanted to relax with friends and he couldn’t calm him down for a minute’.”
“This is a problem.”
“You are NTA for wanting a single day to yourself.”
“In fact, you need that on a regular basis in order to be able to do what you need to do.”
“Can’t pour from an empty cup, etc.”
“Your husband has been taking the easy way out and needs to get comfortable with being his child’s only comfort for stretches of time that you need to recharge.”
“Provide him a ‘Trouble-shooting’ checklist for baby, a basic schedule then dip.”
“He will be fine, it won’t be fun but he will be fine.”
“It’s important bonding that he’s been farming out to others and should have long since happened.”- IamIrene
“NTA.”
“Your husband has to learn how to parent.”
“Just like you did.”
“Your husband should be embarrassed that he hasn’t already figured out how to be his child’s caregiver.”- eowynsheiress
“NTA.”
“I’m a stay-at-home dad. It isn’t that hard.”
“When we had our first, my brother-in-law stayed with us for a few months to help us during the adjustment period(he has 3 kids all over the age of 10, so it was helpful). One thing he helped me do was force my wife to take days to herself.”
“Normally I’ll do the grocery shopping but we had her do it.”
“As simple as Hey babe, can you go to the store and get some noodles for spaghetti tonight? Or hey, we need gas. Would you mind running to the gas station.”
“We slowly increased the amount of time she was out of the house to help her adjust to going back to work and being away from our daughter during the day.”
“From what you said it sounds like he’s dealing with the fantasy vs reality issue.”
“Basically new dads having an expectation all fun games, teaching moments fishing at the pier, learning football, etc, and reality hits with those days are far off in the future right now, it’s all care and comfort.”
“He needs to be more hands-on if he’s worried about failing or messing something up send him to r/daddit a lot of new dads come through there’s no judgment, and it’s insanely helpful.”- HollowAnubis420
Parenting is hard, and there is no doubt about that.
That being said, anyone who chooses to become a parent will eventually need to step up to the plate.
As much of the Reddit community has pointed out, parenting is about being a present and loving parent, 24/7, not “helping out” when necessary.
A lesson the OP’s husband needs to learn, and soon!