Planning a wedding proposal can stir up anxiety.
Yes, it’s a beautiful occasion, love is in the air, and all of that…
But most people who propose want it to be perfect.
Not all planning is perfect, though.
Redditor Terrible-Simple2537 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so naturally, he came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
“AITA for not including my fiancé’s family in the proposal?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“This week I (M[ale] 26) proposed to my amazing G[irl]F[riend] (F[emale] 26) of 3 years.”
“These last three years I have spent time with her, and time with her family through family holidays, engagements, and visiting their home weekly.”
“One of my girlfriend’s initial requests for the proposal was to include her family in some form, given their importance to her.”
“3 months back, I visited her home while she was not there and asked for their blessing, which I received and was excited for.”
“I brought up proposal ideas, my main one being having her family join mine in secret (even though our families have not met much) to surprise her before I get on my knee and ask the question.”
“Her family did give some other recommendations which I did not go with due to wanting to make sure my girlfriend had no idea I was going to propose, and I felt taking her to places we don’t normally go, such as a park or beach, would be too obvious.”
“I also leaned towards having it at my home due to space, and then they would not have to worry about decorations or preparing, but I let them know if they would prefer to have it at their home, that was okay too.”
“At the time, I felt the vibes were great, and I was looking forward to the next months.”
“The next time I tried to reach out for a date, I was met with the fact that the holidays are too close, and because of health concerns, we should push it, which I accepted and delayed.”
“When January arrived, I reached out again but was met with silence.”
“Then, a week later, I proposed dates that I thought could work.”
“I was met with a response from her mother stating that the date I suggested would not work because my fiancé’s nephew has baseball that Saturday, and the other Saturdays this month won’t work.”
“She concluded the text saying to ‘Go ahead and just do it without us.'”
“I responded, mentioning this is disappointing to me, but I don’t want to wait any longer, and I feel my girlfriend and I are both ready to take this next step.”
“So I proposed two weeks later.”
“I did not include her or my own family during the proposal, and I took her to a lovely spot and proposed.”
“The day was special to us both, and we both felt it went great.”
“That night, when we went to give the news to her family, we were both met with dismissive responses.”
“The next day was worse.”
“Come to find out her mom sat down with my now fiancé and explained I did not put any effort into including her family.”
“I have not been present in their home and around them during the relationship, and they should have been included in the proposal.”
“They have also continued to now insult my character, my fiancé’s decisions (what upsets me the most), and they are refusing to speak to me so I can explain or defend myself.”
“I also found out that her whole family was free on the Sunday and Monday of the proposal.”
“I’d love to hear any advice, questions, or ways you would go about fixing this.”
“Things have always been strained between my fiancé and her mom, and I want my fiancé to be celebrated the way she deserves.”
“Edit: For context, she lives with her family, and I have shown her the text.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP WAS the A**hole.
“Mom sounds manipulative and like she is trying to flip the script because she knows she was the bad guy in this situation.” ~ __Fe
“NTA. Sounds like her family wanted to control the proposal, and that’s not right.”
“You tried multiple times to include them while kindly maintaining some reasonable boundaries.”
“You and your fiancée should talk about how you want to handle her family as a team moving forward, and if she is not willing to set boundaries and enforce them, you should not get married.” ~ friendlily
“I mean, fix what?”
“Her mom is flat out lying.”
“You can show her receipts of how much you communicated with them for the blessing and trying to coordinate a family-oriented proposal.”
“How is your fiancée taking this?”
“You’re NTA.” ~ HortenseDaigle
“NTA, but if your fiancé doesn’t have your back, this will be your future.” ~ Whole-Flow-8190
“It sounds like she needs therapy and needs to stop having high expectations of her family.”
“For whatever reason, she is not a priority to them, and she needs to come to terms with that.” ~ beerab
“NTA, tell your fiancée the truth of all you did to try to include them.”
“Show her any messages you have.” ~ Jerseygirl2468
“NTA. Your soon-to-be in-laws are lying.”
“How your fiancé handles this is going to be a defining moment for your marriage.”
“If she doesn’t believe you 100%, you need to run because her mother will spend the rest of her life f**king with you.” ~ onemasterball
“NTA. My advice: think twice before marrying into this chaos.”
“They don’t seem to be too fond of you, even if they did give their blessing.”
“If they didn’t and you proposed anyway, they would have for sure looked like the a**holes, so they manipulated into thinking they were on board just to drop the hammer on you and become the victims themselves.”
“Remember, you’re not just marrying her, you’re marrying her family too.” ~ Independent_Peak8500
“NTA. Is your fiancé on your side?”
“If not, do you have proof of the messages with her family saying to go ahead without her?”
“Future M[other]-I[n]-L[aw] sounds like she is trying to flip the narrative.” ~ Electronic-Fennel-37
“NTA. What self-entitled and manipulative jerks.” ~ danejulian
“NTA – it sounds like the Mom was purposely trying to tank her daughter’s engagement.”
“When that didn’t work, she pivoted to blaming you for anything and everything.”
“Any idea why her Mom is behaving this way?”
“Tell your fiancée everything and then let her decide how to handle her Mom.”
“You both can still send out an announcement of some sort to the rest of the family.”
“Congrats 🎉.” ~ Confetti-Everywhere
“NTA, but your future MIL and maybe I[n]-L[aw]s are manipulative liars.”
“You need to get this sorted out with your fiancé now, not later.”
“Don’t wait for the wedding, the house, the kids, etc.” ~ DrukMeMa
“Sounds like her family doesn’t really like you… or at least her mom, who is actively trying to sabotage your relationship.”
“Does your gf believe that you tried to involve them?”
“You must have the text messages where they told you to go ahead without them.”
“So it kinda depends on how she is reacting.”
“If she stands up to her mom and says that she knows that you did try to involve them and she doesn’t appreciate her mom lying to her, then you might have a chance.”
“Good luck.” ~ nancylyn
“I think how you proceed depends on your fiancé’s reaction.”
“Her family is manipulative AF.”
“If she doesn’t see that and is now upset with you that they weren’t involved, think long and hard about marrying her.”
“If she’s told them to STFU and get over it and that treating you badly will not be tolerated, rock on.”
“If it’s somewhere in between, insist on couples counseling before you even think about setting a date or putting down any deposits.”
“Her parents either don’t like you, are total control freaks, or both.”
“They’re definitely manipulative, and I’m sure this isn’t a one-time thing.”
“Unless you want to deal with this for the next 30+ years, this should be a massive red flag.” ~ jahubb062
“NTA. You can’t fix this.”
“Her family is deliberately trying to make your fiancée miserable, to stir up trouble between you two, and to make you bend the knee.”
“They don’t want to see things fixed: they want you to knuckle under.”
“Don’t defend or explain yourself: that’s just grist for their mill.”
“Keep moving forward and don’t look back.”
“Your finacée absolultely has to be 100% on your side in this.”
“If she’s not, then you’ll be marrying into misery.”
“These people will continue to do their best to sabotage your happiness at every turn.” ~ ReadMeDrMemory
“NTA. You don’t need to defend yourself.”
“Show the receipts.” ~ BlueyIsAwesome
“You must have texts back and forth with them and possibly dates you called.”
“Sounds like her family is playing games regarding you and what really happened.”
“For whatever reason, they have changed what they think of you and your relationship with their daughter/sister/niece, etc.”
“That’s messed up.”
“I hope you get it straightened out.” ~ still-waters-658
“NTA. A proposal is between you and her.”
“If not having her family directly involved is an issue, then you dodge a bullet.” ~ Long_Ad_2764
“NTA. You tried to include them, and then, dramatically, it’s all about them and how you neglected to share the plans with them?”
“It sounds like your proposal was very sweet and special to both of you (which is what it should be).”
“If your fiancé wants to do a family celebration later, go for it.”
“But maybe wait until her parents are willing to apologize for being so impossible.” ~ Ok_Cell_8086
Reddit is with you, OP.
Hopefully, your fiancée can see what is going on here.
Don’t allow these people to steal the joy.
It’s sad that her family is acting this way, but don’t let it rain on your well-deserved parade.
Congratulations and Good Luck!