Behavioral issues can be so difficult to live with.
They can be even more frustrating to properly diagnose.
There is a wealth of information and misinformation readily available.
For families, this can lead to considerable chaos.
Redditor throwaway17293739 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
“AITA for telling my daughter she’s not autistic?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My (F[eamle] 49) daughter (F 18) was a problem child when she was little.”
“Her school recommended that I get her assessed for autism when she was 12, I did (although I knew she wasn’t even then), the psychologist said she’s not, so that’s the end of that.”
“For a couple of years, all was normal, but now she’s started with it again.”
“Casually mentioning she can’t wear certain clothes or eat certain food ‘because of the autism.'”
“She doesn’t just throw it around as a joke, either.”
“She is 100% serious.”
“A couple of weeks ago, we were on vacation.”
“I took my younger kids to see the Statue of Liberty, and my daughter went to the National History Museum.”
“She liked it a lot, was there from opening to closing, and color-coded the map based on her favorite rooms.”
“She was showing it to her brother in our hotel room, and her brother asked her, ‘Are you sure you’re not autistic?’”
“And I interjected and said that she’s not.”
“She got upset, and I told her she can’t self-diagnose with everything she sees online.”
“She got upset and won’t talk to me now.”
“I feel like I just told her the hard truth; someone had to pop her bubble.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“So… AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP WAS the A**hole.
“Diagnosing Autism is not a perfect science, and diagnosing girls has been particularly imperfect.”
“I absolutely would not consider one test on a preteen girl 6 years ago definitive proof that she does not have it.”
“If she recognizes it in herself, and has had teachers recognize it in her, and has had family members recognize it in her, it’s absolutely possible.”
“Honestly, I think YTA for being so weirdly insistent that she’s not.” ~ e11emnope
“She needs a reassessment.”
“Neurodivergence is underdiagnosed in girls and is sometimes missed.” ~ sweet_caroline20
“I wonder why she was a ‘problem child?'”
“I’m sure it didn’t have anything to do with her having an unsupportive, dismissive parent, though.”
“You probably make her feel like she is wrong and bad all the time.”
“So what if she does or doesn’t have autism?”
“Maybe try listening to her for once, instead of always thinking you are right all the time.” ~ Own_Intern9024
“I can attest.”
“This is a reason why I don’t talk to my stepfather anymore.”
“Just because he’s older than me, he thinks he’s right about everything, no matter how much hard evidence I showed him.”
“It was exhausting.”
“I tapped out.”
“Since a few of you can’t seem to cope, I’ll give you an exact example.”
“The myth that wet hair makes you sick.”
“Doctors did a study where they had participants knowingly get infected with the cold virus and did it in both cold and hot environments.”
“The transmission rate was the same.” ~ jessness024
“This. My mother treated me like an annoyance and a burden my entire life.”
“This whole thing smacks of victim-blaming and a total refusal to try and genuinely understand where the daughter is coming from, and shaming her in front of others instead.”
“OP sounds just like my mom, who takes sick pleasure in being mean.”
“OP, this is your child.”
“They have something going on, and instead of trying to understand and be supportive, you are going out of your way to be nasty about it.”
“There’s a reason I don’t talk to my mom anymore. YTA.” ~ stanthecham
“OP is TA just for stating off the bat, ‘My kid was a problem child when they were little.’ SMH.”
“So, the assessment back then said no autism.”
“Did the behaviors or issues continue?”
“Or did they magically disappear after that?”
“Did OP just pretend everything was fine and ignore clear indications that their child needed help with something?
“My 13-year-old is getting reassessed because he’s moving on to high school.”
“I want him to have the best possible start, and to do so, we’ll take another look at his dyslexia and see what he still needs a lot of support for.”
“And we’re screening for autism because his initial assessor expected him to have gotten better with some things she thought might be age-related or just his personality.”
“But now that he’s a teenager and these things are still there, she’s recommended the new assessor screen him just in case.”
“They might be signs of autism, they might not be.”
“But to be dismissive out of hand is not okay.”
“To the OP, YTA.” ~ girlfromals
“YTA, girls are notoriously misdiagnosed because of preconceived ideas of how autism looks in primarily white boys.”
“It is completely possible she is autistic and was not evaluated properly.” ~ Interest-Amazing
“Not to mention other diagnoses have associated sensory issues and behaviors similar to autism.”
“And girls can be more difficult to diagnose with autism.”
“Sounds like they did one assessment and went, ‘so that’s the end of that.'”
“If the school was recommending an assessment, something was going on.”
“Pretty dismissive when the girl seems to have something going on, and at least feels like she’s neurodivergent in some way and is seeking answers because the parent doesn’t seem to want to.”
“Hopefully fake rage bait, but honestly, I see it all the time in my job.” ~ evilcelery
“YTA, one psychologist’s opinion at age 12 many years ago is not a definitive no.”
“Girls have historically been missed, and autism assessments have changed to accommodate girls’ presentation of autism.”
“The fact that it’s been a question before means it should still be a question.”
“She needs support in exploring this further, not invalidating.” ~ Helen_305
“YTA. I’m not qualified to say whether or not she’s autistic, but ultimately I think it’s irrelevant.”
“You are supposed to be her supportive, emotionally regulated role model.”
“Instead, you are taking an approach that is not only dismissive but punitive.”
“How does this threaten you?”
“Is there an underlying fear about what it might mean for you and your parenting if she were autistic?”
“As I say, the label is irrelevant.”
“She is using it as a vehicle to communicate to you that she’s struggling and wants to better understand how she fits into the world.”
“You don’t even have to use the word ‘autism’ to be curious and supportive about that.”
“You could just start by spending more time with her and learning how she perceives her difficulties.” Instead, you’re trying to shut her down.”
“What will happen next is she will stop trying with you and find someone else who makes her feel heard.” ~ WeeklyPermission2397
“Agree with this.”
“Also, autism is often missed in women and girls as it can present differently due to higher rates of masking, etc.”
“So, one assessment years ago may not be as definitive as you think it is, OP.”
“Heavily recommend getting her retested if she is convinced she is autistic, using a professional with experience on autism in women and girls.”
“Even if autism is not the correct diagnosis, she sounds like she is struggling and would benefit from some help.” ~ ShepardMagnus
“YTA – the parent questionnaire has a huge influence on whether a child is diagnosed with autism or not.”
“You clearly have your head buried in a sandbox somewhere – so – chances are that your disbelief and insistence ‘nothing is wrong with my child’ combined with the fact that they’ve determined that autism presents much differently in females played a huge role in the outcome.”
“Stop being dismissive and mean.” ~ Acrobatic_Hippo_9593
“YTA. This feels more like you don’t want your kid to be autistic, so you wouldn’t accept that as a possible option.”
“Maybe her evaluation at 12 did not determine that she is, but that doesn’t necessarily mean she is not.”
“Maybe it isn’t ‘you are not autistic’, but rather ‘you have not been diagnosed with anything.'”
“Also, there are other things that can contribute to certain behaviors and quirks that are not autism.”
“She’s 18.”
“She’s an adult and can get herself assessed again if she feels she wants answers, but you should stay out of it when someone else inquires.” ~ BoobySlap_0506
“YTA. If the school recommended testing, then they obviously saw some signs.”
“One evaluation, once, doesn’t mean she isn’t autistic.”
“Was the psychologist even trained in autism diagnosis?”
“You should support her to get another assessment.”
“If the second assessment says she’s not autistic, then ok.”
“But autism is often underdiagnosed in girls.” ~ Okdoey
“YTA. Girls are historically misdiagnosed/undiagnosed when it comes to autism.”
“Not saying she is or isn’t, but you are her mother, and you are going out of your way to undermine her feelings and experiences for what?”
“To be right?”
“Hopefully, she can get the support she needs.” ~ studentnurse133333
“YTA, but only because you’re seeing this as a black/white thing.”
“Autism in women/girls is severely underdiagnosed – even with testing.”
“Even if she’s NOT autistic – she’s clearly crying out to be seen or stand out, so she might have something else going on.”
“She also may just be trying to get your attention because she feels like she’s not being heard.”
“Judging from how you handled this – I’m going to go with that last part.” ~ PrincessBuzzkill
“Yeah, no, sorry, YTA, there is no female profile still for autism, and less than 4 out of 10 girls on the spectrum get diagnosed.”
“You are misguided, misinformed, and a bit of an ar*e.”
“I wouldn’t talk to you either.” ~ angelskiesblue
Reddit is not pleased with you, OP.
Whether or not your “diagnosis” was right or wrong is superfluous.
There are better ways to handle situations like this.
A little finesse and care go a long way.
It may be time for some serious family counselling.