Co-parenting is a fairly new social term.
A lot of it stems from changes in family dynamics and gender roles.
Whereas at one time mothers always got full custody and fathers mostly got weekend visitation, more and more parents are sharing custody equally.
But even when visitation was an occasional weekend for a few hours, new partners could cause unnecessary drama.
A mother dealing with conflict with her ex-husband’s new significant other turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Temporary_Guess_8379 asked:
“AITA for keeping my children home because my ex’s new boyfriend talks bad about me?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (34, female) was married to my ex for 8 years before him coming out as bisexual. We divorced 3 years ago. We have two children together, ages 5 and 9.”
“My ex started seeing this guy maybe a year ago, and they just recently met the kids. Apparently, this guy makes remarks about me all the time.”
“He has so far told my children that I kept their daddy from being his true self, and how my ex-husband never loved me.”
“My ex-husband and I got into an argument over text message while our children were at his house and his boyfriend was there. He said in front of my children that I’m just a bitter baby mama and said to them, ‘Mama isn’t that friendly, is she?’. The kids told me.”
“If they didn’t mention it, the children should have had no idea we were arguing to start with. I don’t badmouth my ex. We had a very good marriage and no issues co-parenting these past three years until this man.”
“I don’t talk to my children about issues between my ex and I.”
“He has made more comments than this and says only bad things about me to or in front of the children. I confronted them both about these things.”
“They said I was blowing stuff out of proportion, and it wasn’t that big of a deal. Then I said fine, I didn’t want my children around his boyfriend if he was gonna talk about me like that.”
“This caused a big argument, and he ignored my wishes anyways.”
“Tonight, I kept my children home. When I asked if his boyfriend was there, he said yes and that he would be a part of our children’s lives.
“I said, well, then I’m keeping the children tonight or any nights he planned to have his boyfriend there. I even threatened to put a petition for it in court.”
“He called me a homophobic a**hole and said I couldn’t control who he dates and that I was being a petty b*tch.”
“I don’t think I am because a grown man should not be talking to children that way about their mother.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I kept my children home because my ex’s new boyfriend talks bad about me. He called me a homophobic a**hole and a petty b*tch for that.”
“I might be the a**hole because it is his weekend with his kids.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“Document, document, document. But also follow court orders if you have a custody agreement. It’s not homophobic to not tolerate parental alienation. NTA.” ~ nocontactisthebest
“This 100%, and you’re NTA. I feel for you. I have a text I saw on my kid’s phone saying ‘good thing your mom wasn’t there, she would have punched _______ in the face’.”
“Sadly, my stepson believes what is being said. It won’t stop me from being the best stepmom I can be. One day, he will know how much I love him, and even if he doesn’t, I know.” ~ Rivieramaya
“NTA. Parental alienation is incredibly damaging for children. When they’re young, it’s very important that they can feel total trust for their caregivers. The boyfriend’s comments are undermining this.”
“It causes actual emotional damage and impairs their secure emotional development and confidence.”
“It’s absolutely OK for your ex and his new partner to have feelings about his journey and your role in it, but they must not speak about it in front of the children.”
“You need to focus more on persuasion. At the moment, the boyfriend is in the ear of your ex, motivating him to be a bad parent.”
“You need to have lunch or coffee with him alone as co-parents and be PERSUASIVE. He surely wants to be a good parent, so research the damage of parental alienation and explain it to him in a kind way.”
“You need to play the long game here. Your aim is for your kids to have the benefit of an involved good father.”
“So be persuasive, and get him on your side. You have many future years of co-parenting. Be smart.” ~ HappySummerBreeze
“Document every instance that this has happened, and if it continues, bring him back to court. This can and will affect the kids in the future.”
“In my state, it’s automatically put into the custody arrangement that both parents cannot disparage each other around the kids. It’s hard to prove, but it seems like you have the proof (kids’ mouths are proof enough). Good luck. NTA.” ~ Just_Stop7538
“Well said. I want to add that kids perceive themselves as being made of 50% of each parent.”
“If one parent trashes the other to the kids, the kids will process this as 50% of them is trash. This is one of the reasons kids of divorced parents have to deal with low self-esteem.”
“If your ex cares about his kids, he needs to shut his bf’s behavior quickly.”
“I’m divorced, and if my boyfriend was trashing my ex to my kids, I’d tell him to get lost. Kids first, always, because they need support to grow into healthy adults.” ~ MonstreDelicat
“NTA—do you have a custody agreement in place? Because you might be in violation of the order if you don’t allow your ex-husband to see his kids during the allotted parenting time.”
“His bf seems jealous of you and threatened by the relationship you had. It’s inappropriate for your ex’s partner—no matter what gender or orientation—to disparage anyone, let alone a mother, in front of children. What a gross way to behave.” ~ pasmain
“NTA, time to get the courts involved. Parental alienation is a thing, and it sounds like husband and boyfriend are engaging in it.” ~ PifftheCat
“If you never badmouth them, but they do you, I’d simply say to your children: ‘I love your dad because he helped create you both, and I love you both so much. I try to be as respectful as I can, but I am upset since your dad and his boyfriend say mean and untrue things about me. They should not be saying these things, especially in front of you.”
“But, yes, maybe time for the courts. NTA.” ~ Sassypants2306
“Even if they have a ‘reason’ for badmouthing her, there still isn’t ANY excuse to do so in front of the children.”
“My biological mother was a addict and a sex worker, and my (eventual adoptive) parents never talked crap about her in front of me. They’d simply state she wasn’t able to be the mother I deserved at that time, but she did love me very much.”
“Incredibly diplomatic to somebody who honestly did not deserve it.”
“What the boyfriend is doing, and the ex is enabling, is what a court would consider parental alienation. And parents will lose custody because of this stuff.”
“They need to get their sh*t in check quick. NTA, OP. And keep the receipts every time this happens bc I feel like it’s going to end in court eventually.” ~ Samiiiibabetake2
“NTA. Whatever the boyfriend thinks about you, putting you down in front of the kids is out of bounds. More importantly, the fact that your ex allows it is worse.”
“Do you have the right to keep the kids? If you have full custody, maybe, but watch out for interfering without the backing of the court, as that could be used against you.”
“Record some instances, and then take it to the court. You can have rules put in place about who has access to the children, but you can also have rules put in place about monitored visits if the boyfriend cannot control what he says on his own.”
“Will that work? I wish I could assure you about it, but I cannot. I hope bringing it to the court with recorded evidence will make your ex realize exactly what’s happening and how inappropriate it is.” ~ rockology_adam
“NTA. He called you a homophobic a**hole because you do not want your children around a man that bad mouths you in front of your children?”
“Honestly, I don’t care which way your ex-partner swings, but that sh*t is not on. It simply isn’t.”
“The sad part is that he’s probably too infatuated to think straight. As a parent (be that a mother or in this case, a father) you have responsibilities to more than your sex life. You have children, and they should be your priority.”
“My advice is to go to court and have any access tightened up with your ex-husband’s partner not allowed around your children if you can. No idea how this works where you are, but it might be an option.”
“Also, make sure you have any alimony and child maintenance still being paid. If not, it might be something you want to take back to court as it will help you in getting primary or sole legal custody over your children. Good luck.” ~ skiveman
Many suggested that the OP take their ex back to family court.
But one important thing not enough people emphasized was that the OP should never violate an existing custody order as a response to behavior they dislike.
It can seriously jeopardize their legal standing and custody rights.