We always want to stand by our family.
Even when they make a mistake that embraces, or even horrifies us.
Sometimes, however, if a family member's behavior is bad enough, slightly more drastic actions need to be taken.
No matter how much taking such actions may hurt.
Redditor Similar-Rip9212 recently attended a party to which his college age son brought his girlfriend.
Unfortunately, the girlfriend of the original poster (OP)'s son ended up in tears during the party, entirely owing to things the OP's nephew said about her.
Prompting the OP to do the only thing he felt was appropriate.
After being told he was "blowing things out of proportion" by other family members, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for throwing my nephew out of a family party?"
The OP explained why he felt it necessary to kick his nephew out of a recent party he threw:
"For some context, me (53 M[ale]) and my family live in the South, specifically Charleston, SC."
"A year back my son Jake (20 M[ale] now) started attending the University of South Carolina (go Gamecocks!) and during his freshman year he met a lovely girl named Monique (also 20 years old.)"
"Monique is African-American, while our family is Caucasian, but neither me nor anyone else in my immediate family has had any issue with that."
"She's sweet, beautiful, and overall an incredible young woman, and we all accepted her with open arms from the first time we met her."
"A week ago, my wife and I held a party at our home, and Jake and Monique both made the trip from college to attend."
"The party was going well until I noticed Jake and Monique were alone and Monique was crying."
"I asked what had happened and Monique told me that Jake's cousin Greg (17 M[ale]) had told him that he shouldn't 'slum it' and called Monique a ghetto wh*re, among other racist remarks."
"I went to find Greg and he admitted to this, saying that he was just 'looking out for my cousin'."
"At this point, I told him to leave, and he and his parents left, but his parents have been on me as of late for 'blowing things out of proportion'."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community overwhelmingly agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for kicking their nephew out of his party.
Everyone agreed that the OP didn't blow anything out of proportion and felt his boyfriend's behavior was blatant racism that should never be tolerated.
"NTA."
"You didn't blow things out of proportion."
"You set a basic standard for guests in your home and asked them to leave if they couldn't respect it."
"They aren't taking their son's racism seriously enough."- aj_alva
"Blowing things out of proportion?"
"NTA, that was straight up racism."
"You don't tolerate that in your house, period."- Party_Advisor_4136
"NTA."
"You threw a racist out of your home, who cares if it's your nephew."- Icy-Mix-6550
"You're absolutely NTA."
"BUT kids don't learn racism/hatred from nowhere so if the parents are blowing it off, then it's obvious who he gets it from."- Your_Daddy_1972
"NTA."
"Don't tolerate racism."- 3OrcsInATrenchcoat
"You are what you tolerate."
"If you hadn't kicked him out, you would have been saying you welcome racists, which is the same as saying you don't welcome black people."
"I grew up in a very racist family."
"I had a Hispanic boyfriend I warned and warned and warned, but he insisted it couldn't be that bad, and we should go to Thanksgiving."
"We didn't last 20 minutes."
"I have had to cut ties with everyone who didn't learn to be better."
"If I kept up with them and had them in my life, they would have access to harm a lot of other people I care about."
"And it turns out my life is much better, not having to listen to their stupid opinions."
"NTA unless you cave."- Broken-Collagen
"NTA."
"You address bigotry by setting boundaries and consequences."
"Your home."
"Your rules."
"Good job addressing it properly."
"You heard about it."
"You confirmed it to be fact."
"You enforced the consequences."
"Not surprised his parents were ok with it."
"You know who he learned it from."- allergymom74
"NTA."
"I don't tolerate racism in my home, and neither should you."- expanding_crystal
"NTA."
"You would be one if you hadn't kicked them/him out."
"Nothing to discuss here from my perspective."- Eyjin
"NTA, of course."
"Don't ever be ashamed to stand up to racism."
"At least we know where Greg gets it from."
"You have my full permission to ignore Greg and his parents for as long as you like."- ivylass
"NTA, absolutely NTA."
"You did the right thing, it is truly horrible that some people feel it's okay to be racist a**holes and justify it like it's nothing."
"It's good you stuck up for her."
"Would suggest keeping away from such family members."- Oolongslayer24
"NTA."
"You address bigotry by setting boundaries and consequences."
"Your home."
"Your rules."
"Good job addressing it properly."
"You heard about it."
"You confirmed it to be a fact."
"You enforced the consequences."
"Not surprised his parents were ok with it."
"You know who he learned it from."- allergymom74
"NTA."
"You can never make too big a deal out of racism."
"It's telling that his parents don't think much of it - are they racist too?"
"Well done for standing up to them and showing Monique that you don't share their beliefs and have her back."- MaidInWales
"NTA."
"They would all be permanently disinvited."
"They may always be relatives, but they are no longer family."- findin_fun_4_us
"NTA."
"He was being ugly and gross."- chilltownchick
"NTA."
"You did the right thing."- RealLuxTempo
"NTA."
"Good on you, you put your money where your mouth is and told your family that you won't stand for racism in your home."
"If you think that this young lady could become your daughter-in-law in the future, then you just showed her that she'll be safe in your home, a great way to start a relationship."
"And if she and your son eventually do go their own ways, you've shown your son that you'll support him in his choice of partners, which is great for your relationship with him."
"Pat yourself on the back for kicking the racist out of your home and tell his parents that they can pound sand."- FrostedMapleMoose
"NTA."
"It sounds like you didn't make a huge scene, you just defended your family and defined your boundaries."- Soap_on_a_potato
"NTA I can see why he says what he said."
"You did him a favor op and don't invite him back till he apologizes."
"How does someone become an incel so young?"- Appropriate-Mall8517
"NTA."
"You stood up for your son and your values."
"You didn't try to change the way they think about things; they just can't be in your house openly disrespecting your son's girlfriend."
"Regardless of the obvious racism, this is unacceptable."- Aromatic_Sir_5445
"NTA respond back Racists have no place in my home."
"Raise your son to be a decent human being."- FairyFartDaydreams
"NTA!"
"You showed Monique and your son that you and your wife have their back."
"Actions always speak louder than words."
"Keep showing them (Jake and Monique) that you stand with them."
"Tell Greg's parents that they should have taught their son better!"- Aggressive_Purple114
"NTA."
"In a tolerant society, we do not tolerate intolerance."
"No place for racism anywhere."- tango421
"NTA for throwing your nephew out - it was the right thing to do."
"But you may be guilty of racial bias yourself, as your (incorrect) comments here about her name demonstrate."
"I would suggest asking your son if you've said or done anything a little 'off'."
"Explain that you want Monique to always feel comfortable and welcome in your home, and you realize you may have language or habits from your upbringing that are biased even if you don't realize it."
"Give him explicit permission to help educate you."
"That will make you an even better ally to Monique and to other minorities you may encounter."- pupperoni42
"The parents are probably where he is learning some of this from."
"NTA."- SilentSeeer
"NTA."
"You set boundaries, kudos to you."
"You defended your real family."
"Those relatives shouldn't be called family."
"Good on you kicking him out."- myst3ryAURORA_green
"NTA."
"You handled that unacceptable behavior perfectly."
"No notes."- eatencrow
"NTA."
" Ask these racists what part of what you nephew said was blown out of proportion, so you're aware for next time."
"Was it the slumming, the name-calling, the belittling?"
"Tell me exactly which part was acceptable, and I'll agree to being sensitive or overreacting."- Mykona-1967
There is a firm difference between a difference of opinion and pure hatred.
The behavior displayed by the OP's nephew was very much hatred, which should never be tolerated.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.