It's always exciting to be invited to a wedding.
Until, of course, you take a closer look at the invitation and notice the date, realizing you won't be able to make it.
While some soon-to-be-married couples are disappointed by this news, they otherwise understand that life can get in the way.
Other brides and grooms, unfortunately, are much less forgiving.
The mother of Redditor Glittering_Jelly8051 recently announced that she would be getting married again.
Unfortunately, upon seeing the details of her mother's wedding, the original poster (OP) realized she wouldn't be able to go.
A decision that did not sit well with her mother one bit, accusing the OP of "punishing" her with her behavior.
Wondering if this was the case, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I the A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for not attending my mom's wedding?"
The OP explained why she would not be present at her mother's wedding:
"My (32 F[emale]) mom (47 F) is getting married in a little over 6 weeks, in a destination wedding in Europe (we live in the US)."
"We don't have a great relationship and I was raised by my grandma due to how young she was when I was born."
"This is also her fourth marriage. I'm not hating on being married multiple times, but I've done this before and my husband and I flew across the country for her last wedding which lasted all of 2 years."
"I told her when she planned the wedding that I wouldn't be attending due to the timing and the cost."
"Her wedding date is the day after my twins' birthday, plus I just can't spend so much money on a plane ticket and accommodation this close to Christmas and their birthdays."
"She has brought it up multiple times and each time I've told her I won't be attending, at one point I even offered to plan and host a party here at home for them to celebrate with the people who aren't going but she's really just hung up on the actual wedding."
"She invited me and my siblings for dinner last night, and cornered me again about not going, I'm guessing because she wanted backup."
"Two of my siblings took her side and said I could make it work if I really wanted to, one backed me up, and one refused to get involved."
"Maybe worth noting that I'm the only one with a family of my own."
"I repeated that I'd celebrate with them at home but I'm not budging on attending the ceremony."
"Then I told my mom I thought it was underhanded to try and gang my siblings up on me and she needs to respect me and my boundaries more than she is right now."
"She told me she thought after all these years I could stop punishing her but she sees now that I'll never grow up and forgive her. I told her I'm not punishing her, I just can't take on such a huge expense to come to another one of her weddings when I have a family to take care of."
"She called me a b*tch for making a dig at her because I don't think she took care of her own family, and told me to leave."
"I went after her to try and smooth things over but her fiancé told me I should just leave and she'd come around."
"I've texted and called her today with no response."
"My siblings are all now refusing to get involved because they 'see both sides'."
"So am I an a**hole?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for skipping her mother's wedding.
Everyone agreed that the OP was under no obligation to attend the wedding, not only because it was difficult for her both financially and timing wise, but also owing to the fact that her mother wasn't a present enough figure in her life to merit her being there:
"NTA."
"You have perfectly good reasons and a perfectly good perspective here."
"NO ONE should feel compelled to shell out thousands of dollars to travel internationally for a wedding."
"Your mom is clearly an AH here, and is showing signs of being very controlling and manipulative."
"From arranging a dinner to corner you to playing the victim card with the 'punishing her' comments to the name calling."
"I think you've been very gracious with what you've offered, but you should NOT try to go after her any longer."
"At this point, SHE should be proving to YOU why she deserves a spot in your life."
"Stop trying to smooth things over, you haven't done anything wrong."
"This is entirely on her."
"If and when she 'comes around', consider whether your life is actually better with her in it because that feels like a total power play on her part and you deserve better."- owls_and_cardinals
"NTA."
"She knew when your twins' birthday was when she booked her wedding."- KittyKiitos
"NTA."
"But your mom and the siblings who sided with you sure are."
"Out of country travel is EXTREMELY expensive."
"If she really wants you there, she or one of the siblings who agreed with her should offer to foot the bill since she KNOWS you have two toddlers."- Mundane-Run6179
"NTA."
"Couples who insist on a destination wedding have to consider that the turnout will be lower."
"You've told her multiple times that you were not going to attend and the reasons."
"You also graciously offered to host a celebration party."
"The fact that she called you a bit** just shows her emotional immaturity."
"Her feelings of guilt are hers to own."
"She could be jealous of you and your stable home and relationships with your children."
"You have a family and explained your limitations."
"You are most definitely the adult in this situation."
"Are all your siblings going?"
"Not that it matters, but if not, why not?"
"And how's she dealing with that?"
"Her fiancé seems to have his head on straight and understands your position."
"Hold your position and don't reach out any more."
"She's seeking validation to her behavior."
"Keep your boundaries and if anyone asks, continue to explain the cost, timing, and how you're being responsible to your own family."- Few-Conference-1579
"NTA."
"You don't have to justify, argue, defend, or explain your reasons."
"No is a complete sentence."
"This may be a good time to use 'because I said so'."- KatzAKat
"NTA."
"It's hard to take a wedding seriously when the person marrying does not take marriage seriously."
"Do what is best for your nuclear family."- Medusa_7898
"NTA."
"It doesn't matter what your siblings think."
"It matters how you feel."
"You said no."
"Not because you did not want to, but because it doesn't work for you."
"People who love you understand."
"Please who use you get angry when they want you for something and they can't have you."
"Don't beg."
"Let it lie."
"Repeat your answer."
"The timing does not work, and I can not afford the expense."
"That is enough."
"Let them be mad as long as they need to be."
"That is on them, not you."- OhmsWay-71
"NTA!"
"Your mother's life of rotating husbands and you're the one that 'hasn't grown up'?"
"I think your mom is just using these marriages for free travel."
"Stand your ground."
"You don't need to go if you don't want to let alone the costs of travel."- wowgamertbc
"NTA just go NC with her."
"She's toxic."- Plenty_Resolution286
"I'm a twin mama too, only mine are grown."
"I know how crazy your life is right now."
"Your mother is waaay out of line expecting you to show up overseas when it's your twins' *first* birthday."
"NTA, obviously."- sbinjax
"NTA."
"Tell her you'll catch the next one if you can afford it."- PrairieGrrl5263
"Tell your siblings you will go if they pay."
"NTA."- DrTeethPhD
"NTA."
"She's selfish and narcissistic - refuse to continue to conversation (grey rock) and don't give in to the pressure, because if you do, you'll never be able to hold boundaries with her again."- HappyGoLuckyOcean
"NTA, so turn it around on your mom."
"Tell her you have explained why you can't go."
"But if she really wants you there, then SHE needs to pay for your family's flight, hotel, and any other expenses her wedding costs."- LosAngel1935
"No one is ever obligated to attend a wedding."
"And people who have destination weddings should know that not everyone they invite will be able to attend."
"Even relatives."
"Your mother is being completely unreasonable."
"And childish."
"NTA."- pudah_et
The OP made it clear to her mother that she wanted to celebrate her 4th marriage, just not at her wedding.
So, if her mother wants to scold and punish her for not spending large amounts of money to attend a destination wedding during a challenging time of year for her, that's kind of her problem.
Perhaps now the OP's mother will finally know how the OP felt being left behind and neglected all these years.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp