It's always exciting to be invited to a wedding.
Until, of course, you take a closer look at the invitation and notice the date, realizing you won't be able to make it.
While some soon-to-be-married couples are disappointed by this news, they otherwise understand that life can get in the way.
Other brides and grooms, unfortunately, are much less forgiving.
The mother of Redditor Glittering_Jelly8051 recently announced that she would be getting married again.
Unfortunately, upon seeing the details of her mother's wedding, the original poster (OP) realized she wouldn't be able to go.
A decision that did not sit well with her mother one bit, accusing the OP of "punishing" her with her behavior.
Wondering if this was the case, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I the A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for not attending my mom's wedding?"
The OP explained why she would not be present at her mother's wedding:
"My (32 F[emale]) mom (47 F) is getting married in a little over 6 weeks, in a destination wedding in Europe (we live in the US)."
"We don't have a great relationship and I was raised by my grandma due to how young she was when I was born."
"This is also her fourth marriage. I'm not hating on being married multiple times, but I've done this before and my husband and I flew across the country for her last wedding which lasted all of 2 years."
"I told her when she planned the wedding that I wouldn't be attending due to the timing and the cost."
"Her wedding date is the day after my twins' birthday, plus I just can't spend so much money on a plane ticket and accommodation this close to Christmas and their birthdays."
"She has brought it up multiple times and each time I've told her I won't be attending, at one point I even offered to plan and host a party here at home for them to celebrate with the people who aren't going but she's really just hung up on the actual wedding."
"She invited me and my siblings for dinner last night, and cornered me again about not going, I'm guessing because she wanted backup."
"Two of my siblings took her side and said I could make it work if I really wanted to, one backed me up, and one refused to get involved."
"Maybe worth noting that I'm the only one with a family of my own."
"I repeated that I'd celebrate with them at home but I'm not budging on attending the ceremony."
"Then I told my mom I thought it was underhanded to try and gang my siblings up on me and she needs to respect me and my boundaries more than she is right now."
"She told me she thought after all these years I could stop punishing her but she sees now that I'll never grow up and forgive her. I told her I'm not punishing her, I just can't take on such a huge expense to come to another one of her weddings when I have a family to take care of."
"She called me a b*tch for making a dig at her because I don't think she took care of her own family, and told me to leave."
"I went after her to try and smooth things over but her fiancé told me I should just leave and she'd come around."
"I've texted and called her today with no response."
"My siblings are all now refusing to get involved because they 'see both sides'."
"So am I an a**hole?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for skipping her mother's wedding.
Everyone agreed that the OP was under no obligation to attend the wedding, not only because it was difficult for her both financially and timing wise, but also owing to the fact that her mother wasn't a present enough figure in her life to merit her being there:
"NTA."
"You have perfectly good reasons and a perfectly good perspective here."
"NO ONE should feel compelled to shell out thousands of dollars to travel internationally for a wedding."
"Your mom is clearly an AH here, and is showing signs of being very controlling and manipulative."
"From arranging a dinner to corner you to playing the victim card with the 'punishing her' comments to the name calling."
"I think you've been very gracious with what you've offered, but you should NOT try to go after her any longer."
"At this point, SHE should be proving to YOU why she deserves a spot in your life."
"Stop trying to smooth things over, you haven't done anything wrong."
"This is entirely on her."
"If and when she 'comes around', consider whether your life is actually better with her in it because that feels like a total power play on her part and you deserve better."- owls_and_cardinals
"NTA."
"She knew when your twins' birthday was when she booked her wedding."- KittyKiitos
"NTA."
"But your mom and the siblings who sided with you sure are."
"Out of country travel is EXTREMELY expensive."
"If she really wants you there, she or one of the siblings who agreed with her should offer to foot the bill since she KNOWS you have two toddlers."- Mundane-Run6179
"NTA."
"Couples who insist on a destination wedding have to consider that the turnout will be lower."
"You've told her multiple times that you were not going to attend and the reasons."
"You also graciously offered to host a celebration party."
"The fact that she called you a bit** just shows her emotional immaturity."
"Her feelings of guilt are hers to own."
"She could be jealous of you and your stable home and relationships with your children."
"You have a family and explained your limitations."
"You are most definitely the adult in this situation."
"Are all your siblings going?"
"Not that it matters, but if not, why not?"
"And how's she dealing with that?"
"Her fiancé seems to have his head on straight and understands your position."
"Hold your position and don't reach out any more."
"She's seeking validation to her behavior."
"Keep your boundaries and if anyone asks, continue to explain the cost, timing, and how you're being responsible to your own family."- Few-Conference-1579
"NTA."
"You don't have to justify, argue, defend, or explain your reasons."
"No is a complete sentence."
"This may be a good time to use 'because I said so'."- KatzAKat
"NTA."
"It's hard to take a wedding seriously when the person marrying does not take marriage seriously."
"Do what is best for your nuclear family."- Medusa_7898
"NTA."
"It doesn't matter what your siblings think."
"It matters how you feel."
"You said no."
"Not because you did not want to, but because it doesn't work for you."
"People who love you understand."
"Please who use you get angry when they want you for something and they can't have you."
"Don't beg."
"Let it lie."
"Repeat your answer."
"The timing does not work, and I can not afford the expense."
"That is enough."
"Let them be mad as long as they need to be."
"That is on them, not you."- OhmsWay-71
"NTA!"
"Your mother's life of rotating husbands and you're the one that 'hasn't grown up'?"
"I think your mom is just using these marriages for free travel."
"Stand your ground."
"You don't need to go if you don't want to let alone the costs of travel."- wowgamertbc
"NTA just go NC with her."
"She's toxic."- Plenty_Resolution286
"I'm a twin mama too, only mine are grown."
"I know how crazy your life is right now."
"Your mother is waaay out of line expecting you to show up overseas when it's your twins' *first* birthday."
"NTA, obviously."- sbinjax
"NTA."
"Tell her you'll catch the next one if you can afford it."- PrairieGrrl5263
"Tell your siblings you will go if they pay."
"NTA."- DrTeethPhD
"NTA."
"She's selfish and narcissistic - refuse to continue to conversation (grey rock) and don't give in to the pressure, because if you do, you'll never be able to hold boundaries with her again."- HappyGoLuckyOcean
"NTA, so turn it around on your mom."
"Tell her you have explained why you can't go."
"But if she really wants you there, then SHE needs to pay for your family's flight, hotel, and any other expenses her wedding costs."- LosAngel1935
"No one is ever obligated to attend a wedding."
"And people who have destination weddings should know that not everyone they invite will be able to attend."
"Even relatives."
"Your mother is being completely unreasonable."
"And childish."
"NTA."- pudah_et
The OP made it clear to her mother that she wanted to celebrate her 4th marriage, just not at her wedding.
So, if her mother wants to scold and punish her for not spending large amounts of money to attend a destination wedding during a challenging time of year for her, that's kind of her problem.
Perhaps now the OP's mother will finally know how the OP felt being left behind and neglected all these years.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.