Having a wedding on the horizon is an exciting experience, but the actual planning of the event can be incredibly stressful.
Sometimes sacrifices have to be made, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit, though sometimes the wrong people have to make sacrifices.
Redditor PuzzledSurround6810 had already agreed to have her wedding in the Catholic church where her future in-laws observed their faith.
But when they encouraged her to wear a traditional Western wedding dress instead of a Japanese dress kimono, the Original Poster (OP) wondered if she was having to give up too much as the bride.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for not wanting to wear a Western wedding dress for my wedding?”
The OP had already made sacrifices for her wedding.
“I (25 Female) am set to marry my Fiance (26 Male) in the Fall of next year.”
“My Fiance and his family are Catholic and very religious. Because of this, I have agreed to a church wedding despite it not being my faith.”
The one thing she wanted was a specific wedding dress.
“The one sticking point for me is what I’m going to wear.”
“I am Japanese while my Fiance is White. I don’t care if he wears a tux like he wants to, but I want to wear a Shiromuku for the actual wedding and change into an Iro-uchikake for the reception.”
“My future MIL (Mother-in-Law) is uncomfortable with this and has told me if I want to wear a veil and dress, I should just go the Western-style as it will fit in with the theme of the wedding better and not stick out too much.”
The OP began to feel conflicted about
“My Fiance has asked me if this is a sticking point for me and even suggested I just wear the western wedding dress and change into the Iro-uchikake for the reception to blend the two together.”
“I feel I’ve already bent to them in having a Catholic Church wedding and that it’s not too out of line for me to want to use both my traditional outfits.”
“His mother has offered to buy me the wedding dress she thinks I should wear and I know she likely doesn’t understand why I’m so upset over this.”
“I want to respect their traditions, but I don’t feel like I’m being respected in turn.”
“AITA here? Should I just do what my fiance has suggested and blend the two?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some said the OP should be able to wear what she wants for her wedding.
“Firstly, it is your wedding and you get to wear what you want.”
“Secondly, don’t let them pull out the Catholic card. Being Catholic has nothing to do with it. I’m Catholic and I’ve been to several weddings with either one or both parties in Non-Western dress. Nobody cared. The bride didn’t wear white or ivory, and nobody cared.”
“There is no Catholic Church law stating that the wedding dress must be Western/white/etc. The only stipulation is that the clothing should ‘be in accord with the dignity of the occasion and be respectful of those who are present.’ So pretty much as long as the bride and groom don’t turn up dressed up as clowns or strippers, you are pretty much okay.” – inallea
“Also, the MIL said, ‘not stick out too much?’ Uhhh, it is her wedding day, she should be the center of attention along with her fiance. What is wrong with the MIL and the Fiance? NTA.” – Evendim
“NTA. Wear what you want. You’re honoring their religion and culture by having a wedding in a church. You can honor your own culture with what you wear on your own body. It’s only on you.”
“You should stand out, it’s your wedding day. Ignore MIL and wear your lovely Japanese clothing.” – MadamMarshmallows
“NTA OP and if you compromise further on this, you’ll regret it and be compromising on everything that your MIL wants for the entirety of your marriage.” – Acceptable_Day6086
“Catholic raised here as well and I just googled the outfits that OP described. What she wants to wear is definitely appropriate. It is very respectful and at the same time shows her culture. Nothing wrong with that at all.”
“I’m pretty sure (as in 99.9%) that any decent priest (granted, there are idiots out there as well) wouldn’t bat an eyelid… ok, perhaps they would, but not because it might be seen as inappropriate, they’ll be a bit surprised because they might not have expected that.”
“If I were OP, I would ask the priest for support. OP is allowed to show her culture during her wedding.” – AhniJetal
Others were worried about the OP marrying into a racist family.
“Do they know your Japanese? Your wedding day is about celebrating you and your fiance, and your love and your beliefs.”
“If he wants you in a western dress, then he should marry a western girl. I would in fact like to see you in your national dress and if I could wear something different too. As it is a wedding to be remembered. NTA.” – Fun_Scheme_5455
“Can you imagine if OP teaches her children Japanese? The inlaws will continue being racist.”
“Think long and hard about this marriage. It doesn’t sound like your groom to be had your back.” – TaterMA
“Who wants to bet the Fiance wanted a Japanese woman for a wife because of the racist belief that they’re naturally subservient to their spouses and do whatever they’re told?”
“ETA (Edited To Add): Since some people seem confused, I do not support this idea. It’s racist and it’s gross.”
“I said it was a racist stereotype/belief/myth, and it is a very prevalent belief and mindset. And it is NOT ACCURATE OF ASIAN WOMEN AS A WHOLE.”
“Racism is not JUST hating other people due to the color of their skin or where they are from. It’s also the systemic erasure of other people’s cultures and forcing them to assimilate to what passes as ‘Normal’ and ‘Acceptable’ cultural traditions and beliefs of the people doing the erasing.”
“Not all racists are loud and vocal and violent. Just like not all abusers are.”
“For those of you saying I’m being rude to the OP and insinuating she’s naïve and can’t see the racism and so on and so forth. I am not.”
“But just like in a situation with abusive individuals (oftentimes the abuse and racism go hand in hand), we either don’t see the full scope of their issues until it’s ‘too late’ to do anything about it. A lot of them are good at keeping it hidden and smaller transgressions can often be explained away. Especially when one believes themselves to be in love.”
“Even the most brilliant and perceptive people can be blind to such things.”
“I encourage you ALL to do some better research on racist stereotypes and microaggressions.” – veloxaraptor
“I’ve lived in Japan and have seen Japanese-European Catholic weddings with traditional dress in both Japan and home. Your MIL is unreasonable and is being v much the AH.”
“Tell your fiancé that you will not whitewash your wedding to ignore your culture as this is what it is. A spade is a spade here. Your MIL has had her wedding – she needs to step back and respect yours.”
“NTA. If your fiancé does not appreciate this, then I would suggest a deep conversation with him as this will go through to traditions and children. If he does and backs you up, ご結婚おめでとうございます。 末永くお幸せに。go-kekkon omedetou gozaimasu. suenagaku osiawaseni (Congratulations on your marriage. May you be forever happy.)”
“I am actually seething at this.”
“I have an antique gold wedding kimono hanging on my living room wall. If you live anywhere near me, I will take that bad boy off the wall and loan it to you for your big day. Tell your MIL it’s something bloody borrowed.” – Flashy-Promise-6915
A few wanted to see the OP’s future husband step up.
“Your fiancé should be telling his mother to kick rocks over this.”
“Also, OP are you aware in order to get the church to agree to marry you IN the church (because you are not Catholic), your fiancé had to have agreed to raise any future children in the Catholic Church? I was raised Roman Catholic, still recovering.” – IrishiPrincess
“Your fiance needs to support OP all the way. OP’s gowns will probably be absolutely more beautiful than some of the western-style bridal gowns I’ve seen.”
“MIL needs to keep quiet and out of the way. She isn’t the one getting married.”
“Also absolutely agree with another poster: there are NO rules about what is worn by the bride and groom. (edit: or not worn in instances of nudist weddings).” – Careless-Image-885
“I think it’s less that he cares about the dress and more that he cares about appeasing his mother. If he bends to his mother, he is most definitely the AH. As it currently stands, the MiL definitely is. OP is not.” – According-Ad8525
The subReddit appreciated the sacrifices the OP had already made for her wedding and hoped that she would not make any more.
The bride deserved to be herself on her wedding day, including wearing a dress she wanted to wear, observing her culture, and yes, standing out.