I grew up with my Mother and two Sisters. Our Father was deployed most of our early childhood with the United States Navy which involved being gone for six months at a time.
After my Father retired from the service and went to work for the Nuclear Regulatory Service, my parents divorced and my Sisters, Mother and I moved to Northern Maine while my Father remained in the southeast working as a nuclear reactor inspector.
So it was an all female household without a father/daughter dynamic to speak of. Much is made of parents relationships with their children based on gender.
The relationship between fathers and daughters is different than fathers and sons and mothers and daughters are different than mothers and sons.
Psychological theory points to competition between parents and children of the same gender or reflection of self being major factors. While others point to strictly societal pressures as the bonds are stronger in some cultures than others.
Whatever the cause is, some mothers are extremely close—or downright clingy—with their adult sons.
A daughter whose mother’s relationship with her brother is causing issues turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Everythin-is-awesome asked:
“AITA for telling my mom she isn’t invited to my brother’s wedding because she was extremely rude to his fiancée?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I’ll get right to it. My (24, female) brother, Connor (27, male) and his fiancée Christine (27, female) are getting married in early 2025. They got engaged a few months ago and have recently sent out wedding invitations.”
“My mom is upset because she wasn’t invited.”
“Background info, we met Christine after she and Connor had been dating for around 8 months. That was a few years ago. Basically, my mom just didn’t like her.”
“After we met her, she’d constantly complain and criticize Christine, this would range from her looks, to her job (Christine is a waitress) and ‘she isn’t good enough for my son’. I honestly don’t get any of it.”
“Christine and I became friends, and she’s such a sweet person who wouldn’t hurt a fly. Whenever Christine and Connor came over for dinner or an event, she wouldn’t say anything to Christine, but she’d try to get Connor to always spend time with her instead of Christine.”
“She always tried to one-up Christine as well. If she called Connor and he mentioned that Christine made dinner, her dinner was always better.”
“If Christine had a gift for Connor, my mother always tried to say how her gift was better. Thankfully, my brother is not stupid and has realized this.”
“To avoid starting family drama, he didn’t condemn her loudly in front of everyone, but would always defend Christine if he heard her talking sh*t. He made it clear that if she kept talking badly about Christine all the time, he would go extremely low contact.”
“That made her stop for a while, but since they announced their engagement, she’s back to it again. Maybe she forgot, I don’t know. I do think it’s because Connor is her son and I know some mothers can be very clingy with their sons.”
“I have a boyfriend, and I’ve never heard her say a bad word about him, so I do really think it’s because Connor is her son and I am her daughter.”
“I was at my mom’s house yesterday, and my mom complained that she wasn’t invited. She said Christine was ‘stealing’ Connor from her.”
“I told her Connor getting married didn’t necessarily mean Christine was ‘stealing’ him. Then I asked her what exactly she didn’t like about Christine. It all really led back to the same thing, ‘She’s stealing my son’.”
“I told her that while she can’t control how she feels, she can control her actions and that talking about Christine like that was the reason she wasn’t invited. I tried to say it gently, but she did not take it well.”
“She tried to make excuses and say that it was fine and that it’s just her venting to her family and friends, and that I was being inconsiderate of her feelings.”
“I know how she feels about it, but I think those feelings aren’t really an excuse for talking sh*t behind someone’s back like that, and going out of your way to make it clear you dislike them.”
“I know damn well I’m not the only person in the family who would agree with me. I told Connor about it, and he said I was right and that she needed a reality check.”
“But it’s been weighing on my mind. I can’t stop thinking about it.”
“What do you guys think?”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I could be in the wrong because maybe I was being inconsiderate.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. Your brother never belonged to your mother—she raised him for 18 years, but he always belonged to himself.”
“No one else can *steal *him—she’s far too invested in her identity as his mother. Was their relationship ever healthy?” ~ Vuirneen
“I have 3 boys and the only time I’ve ever said ‘boy mum’ was in reference to my ferals missing the toilet and peeing on the floor—’I bet girl mum’s don’t havd to deal with this’.
“My eldest is 13 and discovering independence and going out with friends. I’m loving this phase.”
“I’m loving watching him grow up heading toward adulthood. If I’ve done my job well, my boys will be fine.”
“I detest the whole ‘she is stealing my son’—my mother-in-law does it to a covert extent. It’s icky.”
“I love them, I live for them, but I live for them to grow up and be good men away from me.” ~ Ok-Stuff-4628
“I think you need to be less gentle. Tell your mother she’s driving her son away by complaining about the woman he loves for no better reason than she’s jealous.”
“She’s going to lose her son and any potential grandchildren and it’s her fault. She should evaluate her behavior and ask how she’d feel if any mother of her children’s partners treated one of you that way?”
“Or her? Or a friend? She’s mean, she’s petty, and she’s rude and she’s going to have earned every penny of what’s coming to her, starting with missing the wedding.”
“Tell her to get over herself if she wants to keep her family, and that she’d better get her mind right. NTA.” ~ corgihuntress
“As a daughter-in-law and a mother to a son, what any well adjusted mother wants for her children is to find love and happiness.”
“She is making terrible choices that will only hurt her in the end. There is still time to change this, but the realization and groveling needs to start NOW or she will lose her son forever.” ~ PaintLadyCanada
“I think you think too much. (lol) What’s there to think about? It’s not your wedding.”
“Your mom made her bed, nobody owes her a mattress. Least of all you. Refuse to talk about the wedding with mom.”
“Refuse to talk about mom with brother—exceptions for health emergencies. Leave the mess to the messy.”
“Talk to Christine about what ever you’re comfortable with. You and her may be able to filter the emotions and pass on positives.”
“Who knows? Mom is experiencing unpleasant consequences. Mom is the only a**hole in this.”
“After the wedding, the couple may feel differently. Again, who knows? Think about changing your middle name to Switzerland.”
“Dance at the wedding like you don’t have a care in the world—unless you end up maid-of-honor, then you have a bigger burden than Atlas—because you don’t. Mom and Connor are adults, stay out of the middle.”
“NTA. Enjoy the wedding!” ~ elderoriens
The OP provided an update.
“To clarify something. My parents divorced when I was 11 and my mom has not been in a relationship since. Many, many comments suggested it was emotional incest.”
“I admittedly was not familiar with the term, so I looked it up and it’s just downright creepy. Although most of you agreed I was in the right, you guys had different approaches on what I should do.”
“Some people think I should just pretend the situation didn’t happen, others think I should be far more straightforward and others think I should tell Connor to take care of it because it is his wedding and his fiancée.”
“I decided that Connor should talk to mom for two reasons. 1. A lot of you said I shouldn’t intervene, or at least let him take control of the situation as it’s his wedding, and 2. I thought if Connor talked to Mom he might really nail it in her head.”
“I am a massive overthinker. So I explained the situation to Connor and even showed him some of your comments. I made sure to tell him that no matter what happened I would support him and Christine.”
“He told me he would get Mom to meet up with him for lunch. Since I wasn’t there, I’m not sure of the exact wording, but I told Connor you all needed a good update.”
“So, he said he basically told her that she was his mother and he was her son, but that is all their relationship is. She cannot be emotionally dependent on his presence.”
“She cannot expect him to put her first and be lonely his whole life. She cannot tear down Christine, the woman he loves.”
“He said he emphasized how disgusted he was by her actions and that he recommended she go to therapy to work out her issues, but no matter what, she would not be invited to the wedding.”
“He would be going no contact, at least for now, possibly forever if she does not work out her issues, realize what she’s doing, and genuinely admits her actions.”
“Connor said she didn’t really say much. I’m hopeful it was a wake up call.”
“A lot of you said I should be wary as well, and I will not cut off my mother, but I think I will go lower contact. I will be sure to show lots of support for my brother and Christine.”
“I don’t think I’ll update again unless something major happens. Now, I’m going to go remind my brother that I love Christine more than him—people with siblings will understand.”
While it doesn’t sound like mom got what she wanted, at least the OP isn’t in the middle any longer.
OP’s brother told mom what she did, what needs to change and closed the door on her attendance at his wedding.
When someone refuses to accept responsibility for their actions, setting boundaries is really all a person can do.