Talking about deceased loved ones can be very healing.
Discussing love and loss is a beautiful thing.
But not everyone feels this way.
Some people want to move on and forget.
This doesn’t always go over well.
Redditor Asear2 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
“AITA for bringing my dead father up in front of my mother’s new husband?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I’m so upset, and I do not know if I’m in the wrong.”
“I’m 27 F[emale].”
“My father passed away from cancer back in 2018, when I was 20.”
“Last weekend, my mother remarried.”
“I get along well enough with her new husband; he’s a cool guy in general, and treats me and my mother well.”
“He also has a 13-year-old daughter from a previous relationship, as he’s been married and divorced his ex.”
“They have a 50/50 custody split of their daughter.”
“During the wedding on Saturday, everyone had a great time; I even shed tears of joy for my mom.”
“But Sunday, something shifted.”
“My cousin asked if I am going to call my mom’s new husband dad.”
“I said no.”
“I already had a dad and was a fully grown woman by the time he came into my mother’s life.”
“After that comment, my mother and her sister pulled me aside, and started yelling at me to stop bringing up my father in front of her new husband because… he’s jealous?”
“Of a dead man?”
“His ex is alive and they see each other every other weekend to pass the kid, but he’s jealous of a dead man?”
“I basically told them to get off me.”
“That I do not do it deliberately, but my father had been my father for 20 years, and naturally, I bring him up sometimes in passing.”
“Especially to my younger cousin, who was only 7 when my dad passed away and barely remembers him.”
“My aunt went into a whole tangent about how my dad was important to me but is not important to anybody else anymore, and I should let go and move on instead of talking about him because everyone has.”
“That, in turn, made me cry, and I didn’t speak to either of them for the rest of the day.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA for bringing up my dad sometimes? Is it reasonable for my mother’s husband to be jealous of a literal corpse?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA. This is straight-up despicable behavior from your mother and aunt.”
“No one gets to tell you to stop talking about your father, ever.”
“Are you sure this is actually coming from the new husband?”
“Or is it just coming from your mother?”
“Regardless, it’s disgusting to try to make you shut up, and even more so to say no one cares about your father.”
“If your mother ever loved your father, she’d never allow that to be said.”
“I wouldn’t be able to look my mother in the eye again if I were in your position.” ~ imamage_fightme
“Now, see, I would take this as having that fun banter with my new stepdad and accepting him.”
“NTA… and maybe sit down and have a chat with your mother and stepdad and clear the air, cos there’s probably not actually an issue there, so don’t let your aunt make one.” ~ curious_2_curiouser
“I had five kids with my first husband.”
“We were together 30 years before he died in 2017.”
“My partner and I have been together for the last 5 years.”
“Not one of my kids calls him Dad, nor should they ever be expected to.”
“He is paternal with them and treats them with great respect.”
“We tell stories about my late husband and even have a picture of him on the fridge for the youngest grandchild, who didn’t get to meet him.”
“Your mom’s new husband is an insecure d*ck in competition with a ghost.”
“The apologists need to work through their issues.”
“This is a them problem, and you are 100% NTA.” ~ HippyGramma
“You are still grieving for your father.”
“That day triggered you, and it was only natural for that to happen when you are witnessing the surviving spouse (your mom) re-marrying a new partner that is now a part of your family.”
“Your aunt was out of line and cruel beyond words.”
“You need to speak to her when she’s sober and tell her exactly what she said to you and remind her that you are disappointed and extremely hurt that she can be so cruel.”
“And then decide if you need to cut her off for some time or a very long time, and if there’s any chance you can forgive her (only if she sincerely apologized and is aware of how horrible the things she said were, and ofc however you feel about it).”
“Grief has no timeline.”
“It’s always there underneath the surface. “
“Yes, it does get a little easier with time, but when it’s the loss of a parent or close loved one, even if 10 years or more have gone by, you can still become emotional, and that’s normal.”
“NTA – your aunt certainly is the AH and your mom.”
“I’m not clear if she was siding or even listening carefully to what your aunt said.”
“It also makes me wonder if your aunt just never liked or got along with your dad.”
“Either way, it was horrible, and I’m really sorry for your loss and sorry she said those things to you.”
“I sincerely hope she will realize the damage she has caused to your relationship with her.” ~ EconomyFalcon1170
“NTA. He doesn’t have to fill your dad’s shoes.”
“It’s not a competition.”
“He is his own person.”
“He is not your dad.”
“You will have a different relationship with him.”
“Your mom’s marriage to him will be different than her marriage to your dad.”
“This is all good.”
“And of course, you do not have to pretend your dad never existed.”
“That’s f**ked up.”
“My dad died in 2017, and my mom just moved in with her new beau.”
“We all talk openly about his deceased wife and our dad because they were part of our lives.”
“It’s healthy.” ~ wtafftw
“NTA – Your mother’s new husband (who obviously never was a dad to you and never will be as you are a grown woman) must have quite a low self-esteem, to feel threatened by a man who died 8 years ago.”
“I suppose he or his kid sometimes brings up his divorced wife?”
“After all, she is his kid’s mother.’
“Maybe he should stop mentioning her too… see?”
“That would be ridiculous, right?”
“But that’s what mom and family want you to do about a deceased parent!”
“I don’t know what mom and aunt are drinking, but they should stop taking it.”
“They are wrong in their heads.” ~ Top-Spite-1288
“NTA. I talk about my belated Mom TO my stepmom.”
“My stepmom hangs a pic of my Mom on her wall.”
“Know why?”
“Because her husband, my Dad, was married to her for 40 years when she passed away.”
“She was important to us.”
“Therefore, she’s important to her as well.” ~ cinnamongirl73
“NTA. You did absolutely nothing wrong.”
“If you’re 28, your mother must be at least 45 and is probably in her fifties.”
“I.e., she should be far too mature to be insecure about the new man in her life.”
“Let’s be clear.”
“Your father existed.”
“He is no threat to your mother’s new relationship (!).”
“It is absolutely shocking that they told you not to mention him.”
“You are 100% the normal one in this situation.”
“I wish I could provide a link, but I have to run to an appointment… Google ‘Dear Prudence, Emily Yoffe’ and maybe terms like ‘photo, ‘first wife.'”
“Emily Yoffe is an advice columnist who writes for Slate magazine.”
“She wrote a column about this exact issue a few years ago that really stood out to me for its graciousness.”
“She has since written about it a few other times, so I hope the columns will be easy to find.”
“Emily Yoffe is the second wife of a widower.”
“She admits to having felt a little jealousy at first, but quickly came to her senses and started being OK with hearing the first wife talked about and her memory respected.”
“Because your mother and her sister are being so immature about this, and they’re probably your closest family members.”
“I think you should check in with Emily Yoffe’s columns because they may help you to organize your thoughts and realize your expectation to remember your father to other family members is totally normal and healthy.”
“Good luck.” ~ No-Potential-7242
“NTA – Did your mom marry that man with the understanding that he would be YOUR DAD and you would never mention your dad?”
“I hope you don’t live there and live on your own.”
“You should ask Mom for the pictures before they are destroyed.” ~ Sad-Country-9873
“NTA. You are surrounded by strange people.”
“You were asked a question, you answered.”
“It’s not like you brought up your dad during a wedding toast.”
“Why are all those people so intent on erasing him??” ~ cassowary32
“NTA, are you sure this is what your Mom’s husband feels, or have you only heard this from your mom and aunt?”
“Maybe talk to him and figure out if these are his actual feelings or if your mom and aunt are projecting.”
“And don’t stop talking about your dad unless it makes you unsafe.” ~ MizzDust
“NTA by far!”
“You’re never going to replace your dad, so don’t bother listening to them!”
“I honestly hate the audacity stepparents have, believing they can just replace the parents of children regardless of whether they remember them or they are still ALIVE, for that matter!”
“Cut them off!”
“You’re a grown woman who doesn’t need that kind of toxicity!”
“Your father’s memory is inside you, as long as you continue to love and remember him, he’ll always be alive in your heart.” ~ sithmaster297
“NTA. Your stepfather needs counseling if he is that jealous of a dead man.” ~ CallingThatBS
Reddit is with you, OP.
Your Dad was YOUR dad.
How dare people try to quiet you.
You may need to have a serious conversation about your grief and love for your Dad.