Extra help when a new baby arrives is generally welcomed.
But extra criticism? Not so much.
A new mom turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback after a clash with her mother-in-law.
Possible-Study2746 asked:
"AITA for telling my mother-in-law (MIL) off for her comment regarding my 5-day-old?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My husband's mom called to ask how the baby was doing, and he told her that she was good and was currently taking a nap on him. She was extremely supportive during the entire pregnancy and was even there for the birth, so her calls were welcomed."
"She responded by saying that it's not good to let her sleep on us. An annoying comment, but whatever."
"My husband tells her that there's nothing wrong with it, and we love letting her sleep on us. Then she proceeded to say, 'Don't build bad habits with my baby. '"
"That one got to me. Ignoring the 'my baby', I said, 'You can't build habits with a newborn'."
"In a sarcastically cheerful tone, she says, 'Yes, you can, I've raised three children!'. I matched her tone and said, 'Actually, no you can't! It's science!'. Then she hung up."
"After that, she sends me a VERY long message about how she has never been able to tell how I feel about her and how she hopes one day we can be close, which was news to me because I felt closer with her than any of my own family."
"She also said she feels like I don't want to hear anything she has to say when it comes to the baby, and she wants to be able to give advice and make suggestions."
"This was referencing the phone call as well as a couple other things she had suggested previously. I had told her we wouldn't be doing those things because we already looked into it and decided to do something else."
"I responded by telling her I had no idea where all this was coming from, as I felt we already had a close relationship, and I apologized if I ever acted in a way to make her think differently."
"I also said that while I didn't want to invalidate her experience as a mother, I didn't really want advice unless I asked for it. I said I'm glad that what she did worked for her, but all babies are different, and I'm constantly doing research and making decisions based on that."
"I finished off by saying that if I want advice, I will absolutely come to her, and I want her to be a HUGE part of our daughter's life."
She then said that invalidating her experience as a mother was exactly what I was doing, and she was sad that I was being so closed off."
"Our relationship has been rocky ever since, and sometimes I wonder if I should have just kept my mouth shut and just smiled and nodded instead."
"So, AITA?"
The OP summed up their situation.
"Rebutting what my MIL said instead of just letting it go. It probably wasn't a big deal, and maybe I shouldn't have dismissed her advice so quickly."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. Here's what I told my own MIL: 'It must have been so hard to be a new parent when the only options were advice from others or going to the library and hoping for good information. Then it's finally your turn to be the advice giver, and the internet takes it away. But I have the absolute privilege to have 30 more years of research and easy access to all of it whenever I need. Nobody is saying you were a bad parent, and you absolutely did the best with what you had. I will also be doing the best with what I have, and I'm so privileged for the additional research and accessible knowledge. I'm happy to ask whenever I have questions and tips; potty training comes to mind. But what I need most right now is a non-judgmental listening ear." ~ Elemental_surprise
"Beware that it's not easy to make the switch from parent to grandparent. As a parent, you're the one in control. As a grandparent, you're mostly an observer."
"Probably, when they were a parent, they felt like they didn't know what they were doing. Now here is another young child and this time they DO know what to do, they already raised three kids after all!"
"Now they have experience, but it isn't wanted. They're told their information is outdated, which can feel like an attack on their parenting. They might remember how they struggled as a new parent and want to help their child so they don't feel like that, especially when they see (or imagine) their kid struggling."
"I'm not saying you're wrong. You're right and NTA. But it might help to approach it with some empathy." ~ Quadrantje
"My mom was the MASTER of this switch. She was constantly asking me what I needed, not what she thought I should do."
"Supportive without overstepping."
"Does she make weird mistakes? Of course, we all do. But I never felt that I had to defend myself."
"Same thing with my mother-in-law. She would say, 'You don't have to do this, but this helped me'— love both of them so much." ~ SunkenSaltySiren
"NTA- you had me at her saying 'my baby'... I'm a gen X mom, have recently obtained some grandkids… the audacity…"
"When the parents want advice they ask, when they don't, I STFU. I was not a perfect parent, they won't be either, but they will do their best, and short of something truly harmful like abuse, how they choose to raise their child is just something I get to watch from the sidelines."
"Grandkids are not a 'redo'. They are a gift that we get for surviving parenting (as our granddogs and grandcats)." ~ Senior_Parking6305
The OP provided an update:
"I have one child—she's 11 months old now. The posts from today and yesterday are about stuff from the past. The reason I'm posting now is because this stuff has come up again, and it has resulted in us going no contact with my MIL."
"So to find out if I'm in the wrong for going no contact with her, I'm seeing if I was in the wrong for the things that led up to it. She has a tendency to blow things out of proportion when we tell her she's out of line in any way."
"We had a conversation several months after this, where we agreed to try and build back our relationship. We both explained in detail what goes on inside our heads and why we word things/interpret things the way we do."
"It was productive aside from the fact that she wouldn't apologize for anything. She said she 'is who she is' and had nothing to apologize for."
"She also said again and again how much she loved me, but I feel like if she really cared about me, then she would feel bad for hurting me. Or maybe she would have never sent such a long message about her feelings when I was a brand new mother."
"My MIL stayed with us the day we brought my daughter home. One of her suggestions was to give her a pacifier so she'd stop crying."
"I was trying to breastfeed and explained that I didn't want to give her a pacifier so early because I didn't want her to get nipple confusion. That was the end of the conversation, but I found out later that after that, she pulled my husband aside to tell him that I needed to fix how I was acting."
"Thankfully, he is the one who has dealt with her since this happened. Lots happened since. He is a firm believer that the family he created is his priority, not the family he came from. He has told her she's out of line time and time again."
"The lack of respect she has shown for us as people and parents since this happened has led us to very recently cut contact with her. It hurts because my family isn't very reliable and I wanted my daughter to have a close relationship with at least one set of grandparents, but I feel like it's what we had to do."
"She likes to play the victim. She later said she 'wasn't allowed to be a grandma' because we asked her to not feed our daughter without asking us since she was exclusive breastfeeding and hadn't started solids."
"She said all she did was let her lick a tomato and we were overreacting. Feeding her or letting her lick something, we felt like it was the principle of asking us first. That turned into her screaming 'F*CK YOU' over and over to my husband over the phone."
OP is looking for a sanity check after the relationship with her mother-in-law deteriorated.
Hopefully she got what she needed.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp