It's no secret that the job market is currently difficult to navigate, making it harder than practically ever before to land an interview, let alone the actual job.
But when a person has been jobless for several months, they have no choice but to try harder to find jobs, whether that means applying more often, following up on applications, or even applying to jobs that don't interest them, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Ok-Victory-1689 previously said yes to their adult daughter and her boyfriend moving in with them, since they could no longer afford their rent payment after her boyfriend lost his job.
But when a substantial amount of time passed, and he still hadn't landed another job, the Original Poster (OP) told him that he either needed to try harder to find a job or he needed to move out.
They asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting by telling my daughter's boyfriend that he needs to get a job if he wants to carry on living in my house?"
The OP was supportive of their adult daughter and her boyfriend moving in when they needed help.
"I’m 64 and retired. My daughter is 29, and her boyfriend is 31."
"They have been staying with me since around April after they couldn’t afford their flat anymore."
"I said yes because I’ve got the room. I wasn’t going to see my daughter stuck somewhere when I’ve got a perfectly good spare bedroom sitting empty."
"I haven’t charged them rent, although they buy food, and my daughter gives me some money towards the electric."
The agreement was that the boyfriend would be searching for a new job to help make ends meet.
"The understanding, or at least what I thought was the understanding, was that this would be for a couple of months until they were back on their feet."
"My daughter works full time. Her boyfriend doesn’t. He lost his job shortly before they moved in and still hasn’t found another one."
"At first I kept out of it because it wasn’t really my business, and I know jobs aren’t exactly falling out of trees at the moment."
The OP was concerned that the boyfriend was being too selective in his job search.
"The problem is I’m starting to think he’s being too particular about what he’ll do."
"I asked him last week whether he’d tried the warehouse on the industrial estate because I’d seen they were taking people on."
"He said he’d already looked at it and didn’t think he could manage doing that sort of work all day. Fair enough."
"I mentioned the Tesco a few days later, and apparently retail is something he really doesn’t want to go back to."
"On Sunday I asked if he’d heard anything from the jobs he’d applied for. He said no and that he’d put in two applications that week."
"I probably shouldn’t have said it the way I did, but I asked what he’d been doing for the other five days."
The OP's daughter was tired of the OP's feedback on the job search.
"That’s where it all went wrong."
"My daughter said I was constantly having little digs at him and making him feel like a guest who’d overstayed his welcome."
"I said, well, he has overstayed his welcome a bit. Five months isn’t what we originally discussed."
"She then brought up the fact that he’s Trans and said he’s had trouble at previous workplaces because of it. I knew about some of that, but apparently there was more to it than they’d told me."
"I said I sympathised, but I couldn’t see what I was supposed to do with that information. He’s 31 years old and living in my house for nothing."
"I’m not asking him to get a career sorted by next Tuesday. I’m asking him to get some sort of income coming in."
"That probably wasn’t the right answer, either. Eventually, I said I’d give him another month. If he’s working by then, fine. They can carry on staying here for a while and save some money. If he’s still not working, he’ll need to make other arrangements."
The OP's daughter was not happy about the new plan.
"My daughter asked if that meant her, as well. I said no. She’s working, and she’s my daughter. She can stay as long as she needs to."
"She thinks that’s effectively asking her to choose between me and him because he doesn’t have a good relationship with his parents and doesn’t really have anywhere else to go."
"I don’t particularly want to chuck him out. He’s not a bad bloke, and we normally get on alright. He does cook sometimes, and he’s not sitting there expecting my daughter to wait on him. I just don’t think applying for a couple of jobs a week after five months unemployed is enough."
"She’s barely spoken to me since Sunday, and now I’m wondering whether the one-month deadline was a bit much."
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some wholeheartedly agreed that the boyfriend at least had to try harder to find a job, even if the search wasn't fruitful right now.
"While I sympathize with not being able to find a job (underemployed rn, not hearing back from any applications), he still has to try. NOR." - I-screwed-up-bad
"NOR. Two applications a week is crazy. It should be at least three a day." - HellyOHaint
"Last time I was unemployed, I went for 600 applications in less than a month... Minimum wage garage job 45 minute drive away... When you don't have a job, YOU LOOK FOR ONE." - Soggy-Bluebird-5210
"For real, he's refusing a massive section of jobs because he doesn't wanna. Five months is too long to stay picky when you don't have savings and are 100% financially dependent on someone else."
"OP is NOR; dude needs to get off his butt." - EnterTheHellscape
"Retail/customer service is not something I've ever wanted to do... but it pays my bills so I've been doing it for 20+ years." - unkn0wnname321
"Many of us take a job to have a job. Most people just take whatever they can to pay the bills. Very few dream jobs out there. I say give him a deadline." - TaosMaz
"Most people are productive around six hours a day. If you’re looking for a job, you need to put in that amount of time. Look for jobs. Apply. Do the paperwork. Work on skills."
"Pushing out a dozen applications that you will get rejected from rarely works, but zero effort also won’t get you a job." - allyearswift
"The refusing to go back to retail or entertain other jobs is where I lose sympathy. All for pursuing something better and not staying forever, but you do what you need to cover responsibilities." - Wholead2742
Others understood the OP's ultimatum but suggested some helpful alternatives.
"I was a single mom at 20 (zero help from the donor), living with my parents. I quit my retail job and applied/interviewed for full-time office jobs, but they gave me two weeks to find any job, or I had to leave. I don’t think they would’ve actually kicked me out, but I was back to waiting tables the next day while continuing to apply for full-time employment."
"Maybe try telling them he has a month to find some type of job, or you will have to start charging them rent. This route keeps your daughter from picking sides, but it also puts pressure on her because she’ll be financially responsible. If they do end up paying rent, you could always set it aside in a savings account to gift back later." - Altruistic-Dot1068
"OP, NOR. When my husband lost his job a few years ago, he applied to over 200 jobs in the course of a few weeks. Unfortunately, he didn’t get a job for about eight months, but he applied everywhere that at least wasn’t the most drastic pay cut."
"Your daughter's boyfriend needs to step it up and apply even if it's not work he 'wants,' because the reality is nobody likes their job, but they do it so they can afford to live. Toughen up and deal with a s**t job until you get more stable." - PuffPuff97
"NOR. The partner is not your responsibility. Your daughter is. If she can’t afford to live with a partner, then she can live with you alone." - Ok_Moment_2307
"My criticism. The deadline needs to be, '...x months til you (plural or just him) move out.' The problem with 'have a job' is if he loses it, gets laid off, and then you are right back to the beginning."
"Instead, I'd say, 'You can stay here, job or not, until November 30th. On December 1st, you need to provide for yourself.'"
"Personally, I would say 'you' as in plural, but then take your daughter aside. If she can carry them both (as in their own place) on one income, so be it. If she can't, tell her she can stay. But since she can not carry both of them, you will not."
"I'm about your age, OP, and have kids."
"Personally, as long as you are calm and factual, I wouldn't wait. Clear comms, hard boundaries. You can tell your daughter you are proud of her and how she takes care of her responsibilities. Say that as a standalone. DON'T add '...but' after it. As a separate sentence, say, 'Whether you are with him or not, he has to find a purpose and means to provide.'"
"I don't have any experience personally with Trans folks, but I would recommend self-employment jobs, like housecleaning, dog walking, lawn care, anything where interaction is minimal."
"Trust this: if you are good, business will come. For example, when I came home from the service, I could not work 'a real job.' As a 40-year-old man, I started my own housecleaning business, since I was a nitty-gritty person used to deadlines and inspections!"
"I did not advertise because my clients did it all for me! Offer things like signing for packages, bringing trash bins up, anything."
"All the best. NOR." - PizzaSlingr
"NOR. I honestly think you set a healthy boundary here. It might not be what your daughter or her partner wants, but it's fair and kind. He does need to work harder and get an income, and it's not ok for him to assume you'll cover for him indefinitely."
"It sucks that people can be a**holes about his identity, but that isn't an excuse for not working on his own independence." - Ksilverstar25
While the subReddit could sympathize with a tough job market, increased costs, and potential obstacles as a member of the LGBTQ+ community, they also agreed that two applications per week after already being unemployed for five months wasn't going to cut it.
Much more work needed to be done to lock in some kind of income, and the boyfriend needed to be more open to the idea of getting a job that paid the bills while still giving himself time to look for that dream job.
