It's Halloween!!
Time to break out the candy and put on the scares.
One of the best things about Halloween can be Halloween parties.
The amount of thought that goes into some costumes can be astonishing.
But then there are people who just don't feel the costume thing that much.
And it can be messy when those two groups clash.
Case in point...
Redditor GrassAITA wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
"AITA for going as grass to an early Halloween party?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"A few weeks ago, I (31 M[ale]) was invited to my friend (33 M), Will's, early Halloween party."
"I had eagerly accepted the invite and was excited to celebrate, because as a childless/single thirty-one-year-old man with no children/younger siblings, Halloween had managed to be one of those holidays that slipped through the cracks."
"A few days after the invite, though, Will informed me that the party was a 'costume party.'"
"I hadn't been too surprised, though, because Will has/had a young son who is incredibly passionate about Halloween yet doesn't feel that comfortable trick-or-treating."
"And—because it really wouldn't be that difficult—I agreed to dress-up."
"Now, here's where I think I may have went wrong."
"While I do/did love Halloween, I don't/didn't really have any costumes."
"Which meant that my options were either to make something or to buy something to wear."
"And—because I'm a 'cheapskate'—I decided to just make my own costume."
"Unfortunately, though, the only things I had that felt slightly 'costume-y' were a green shirt, green pants, a top-hat, sunglasses, a white scarf, and one of those bead necklaces you get at parades."
"Being limited, I had decided to reach into the deepest and darkest corners of my mind for a costume, and, eventually, I came up with a 'Blade Of Grass' costume."
"I was wearing the green pants, green shirt, shaded sunglasses, and the top-hat, which I had covered with green construction paper."
"Then, for good measure, I went outside my house and massaged a little soil into the clothes."
"Then—yesterday—the party rolled around, and I came in my grass costume."
"I was a little embarrassed, as the first three people I saw were wearing realistic demon costumes and stuff."
"And—there I was—as a dirt-wearing piece of grass."
"It was all okay, though, until Will's son came out, and started to cry."
"Now, when I said that Will's son was young, I meant that he's too young for kindergarten."
"So, when he saw me and started to cry, I felt kind-of at fault."
"Then, when Will saw me (and tried to comfort his son), he asked what I was, and so I told him."
"Then, Will told me that I knew how much his son loved Halloween (which I did)."
"And—when his son started to scream at the top of his lungs that I had 'ruined' the party and had gone as the 'wrong' thing—he asked me why I thought that would be appropriate."
"As I had witnessed his son freak out over the smallest of things plenty of times before."
"So, AITA for going as a blade of grass to a party?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. You don't cater to kids being dumb like that."
"They need to learn to deal to be resilient even at a younger age."
"At the very least you don't throw blame on the person who did nothing wrong."
"Creative low budget Halloween costumes are great."
"His dad should have redirected him or told him how the blade of grass was fun." ~ Squish_the_android
"Kids can be pretty dumb."
"When I was 4 and my dad got into a car accident and came back home with lots of bandages."
"I was terrified, not because I saw my dad injured but because I believed he was being possessed by Mumm-Ra from the Thundercats."
"Don't know how my mom convinced me that no, my dad wasn't secretly an ancient evil sorcerer." ~ haitechan
"Mine recently burst into tears because I wouldn't let her eat the kitties food."
"Or even more recently, dip her carrots in ketchup."
"That last one was my fault."
"Should've just let my tiny hellion dip-dip."
"She's a hoot and a half."
"She's now deciding she's cute enough to get away with anything if she smiles real big and bats her eyes at me."
"Toddles are hilarious, but part of them learning how to manage those big emotions is to be put in the situations and given a safe space."
'You can't just wrap them in cotton wool."
"They need to learn how to manage those feelings so they can self-regulate!" ~ Willing-Panic1908
"THIS. I'd have said Kudos for your effort."
"Many folks I know just show up in regular clothes and don't bother trying."
"A blade of grass sounds like a perfectly acceptable costume to me."
"And yeah, kids that age will scream over everything or nothing."
"And Will needs to learn how to handle this. NTA." ~ EmeraldBlueZen
"NTA. If you have a costume party with your young and sensitive son, you can't expect everyone will come dressed as something young son will "accept.'"
"Your costume sounds original."
"I'm sorry this happened to you." ~ Maximum-Ear1745
"NTA. Perhaps your costume was not in the same league as the others."
"But that is no reason for Will to allow his toddler son to have a temper tantrum and embarrass his guest." ~ OrcEight
"NTA. I don't celebrate Halloween so I don't know what etiquette people follow in such parties."
"But from my point of view as long as you don't have particular theme to follow it's up to you to choose what you want to wear."
"Will is the AH here."
"He is letting his son act like a brat."
"Costumes can be expensive not everyone can afford them." ~ Rika77
"I also don't celebrate Halloween but can relate to low budget costumes."
"We were going to a costume birthday party and I dressed up like a tree."
"Literally brown clothes and I made the 'tree top' from a pack of green balloons from the dollar store and some cardboard."
"My kids, ages 2 and 4, were monkeys (costumes borrowed from a friend)."
"It worked out great!"
"I agree that OP is NTA and that kids needs to be taught better."
"Also, I guess I must too much time here- I thought OP was going to say he dressed up as marijuana." ~ Wearealreadyhere
"I highly doubt this is real."
"If it is though 100% NTA, I think you're a bit lazy in terms of costumes, but NTA."
"I'm not sure of ages, but I think Kindergarten is about 3?"
"I have a daughter that's about 2 and a half, this morning she cried because she could find her duck toy, despite holding said toy."
"Don't take children's tantrum's to heart." ~ Hazzadcr16
"NTA. Will's dad is an AH, though. It's Halloween, it's not a requirement that you're in an elaborate get up."
"Kids that age cry over everything (and nothing)."
"Will needs to remember he's the adult in the room and act like it." ~ MrsMean22
"No, that's ridiculous."
"You did fine I don't even see why the dad questioned you."
"You didn't show up in normal clothes."
"You wore a costume and it sounds super funny."
"The kid will live and you're not an asshole at all." ~ Unable_Incident_6024
"NTA. You were asked to be on a costume and you wore one, what else does Will want?"
"When my child, 4 years old and already on preschool, is acting up or being annoyed by small things, I usually check what can I DO to make her feel better."
"Not what OTHERS should do unless I want her to be a spoiled brat." ~ DragonfruitWhich6396
"NTA. Toddle-waddles are a funny bunch."
"HOWEVER, if my toddler did this to someone at a party I threw, I'd be mortified and apologizing like it was my job."
"Will is a major AH though for letting his son behave that way and acting like you were the problem."
"And I love the idea of a blade of grass!" ~ Willing-Panic1908
"This doesn't even sound slightly like a real story."
"But in the off chance it is, NTA."
"Policing other people's consumes in what should be a fun party is dumb, and one person showing up without a costumer shouldn't ruin an event."
'And it sounds like you did have a costume that you actually put slight effort into, even if it was unusual." ~ AnonymousWritings
"NTA. I guarantee that kid has cried over not being able to eat dirt or be a firetruck."
"And if his dad's actually taking his stupid, child tantrums seriously, he's not only the a**hole, but raising one." ~ DerpDevilDD
"NTA, is the kid autistic?"
"Serious question as my nephew can get really upset for no apparent reason to anyone except for the fact that things need to be exactly how he wants them."
"It often appears arbitrary."
"In daily life patterns can be established, but an uncommon event like a Halloween party is fraught with opportunities that cause upset." ~ Splindadaddy
Well OP, Reddit is with you.
You put on a costume that was appropriate for the public.
Art is subjective.
Will may want to look into some therapy for his son though.
Happy Halloween!
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp