Content Warning: Deceased Parent, Grief, Honoring Memory
Honoring someone’s memory after they have passed away might be one of the most loving things a person can do for someone else.
But it’s important to do so among other people who feel the same way, not people who are faking it, pointed out the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Temporary_Pain_5576 lost her mother when she was six, and she made a habit after that of honoring her mother’s memory with her older brother on their mother’s birthday and anniversary of death.
After they honored her memory on her twentieth anniversary of death, the Original Poster (OP) was disgusted that their father and stepmother were angry to not be included, after everything they’d done to act as if their mother did not exist.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for telling my dad I didn’t want him or the woman he replaced my mom with to pretend to honor her on the 20th anniversary of her death?”
The OP and her brother got together to honor their late mother’s memory.
“My brother (28 Male) and I (26 Female) lost our mom 20 years ago.”
“We, along with my brother’s wife and my boyfriend, took the day to honor our mom on the anniversary of her death. The day never passes without something from either of us, but 20 years was something we wanted to mark with a little more. Her death is still painful for us.”
“We did not include our dad or stepfamily. They never joined before. Well, our dad used to, but it’s been 11 or more years now since he did anything to honor our mom.”
Their dad and stepmother were angry that they were not included.
“My dad wasn’t happy when he found out we’d done something without him and his wife felt the same.”
“They called my brother and me several times to complain about the secrecy and how we left them out of something important.”
But the OP felt like her father had done everything he could to forget his late wife’s memory.
“For the last 14 years, my dad has described his wife as the love of his life. He also stated on multiple occasions that he was never as in love with anyone and falling for her made him realize his feelings for others were never close.”
“While he’s allowed that it stings us, the kids he had with his first wife who died. He used to say he loved Mom. He hasn’t in years. He removed all traces of her, and he no longer honored her memory on her birthday or her anniversary.”
“He has also stated he’d change nothing about his life because it worked out just the way it was supposed to in the end.”
“Comments like that and his wife’s comments that we spoke about our mom too much or had too many photos of her made us distant from them. They have two kids together and that always made things more awkward because they have commented on how unhappy my brother and I look when dad is making his comments about his wife and they can’t see it from our perspective.”
The OP called her dad out during a recent phone call.
“During one of Dad’s phone calls to me where he was complaining. He said he’d been married to my mom for 10 years, and they had me and my brother together, and he should be allowed to join us on such a big anniversary.”
“It p**sed me off, and I told him I didn’t want him or the woman he replaced her with to pretend they were honoring her. I said he hadn’t honored her in years and had made it very clear he didn’t give a f**k about her anymore with all those comments about his wife being the love of his life and how he wouldn’t wish Mom was alive because it made him happier long term.”
“He told me it was such an uncharitable outlook.”
“I asked him to consider how the kids of his first wife feel when he makes those kinds of comments. I said he would never convince me that he didn’t replace her and essentially downgrade her to a past mistake of his.”
“He went on a rant to my brother after we spoke and my brother told him he felt the same. He said it was exactly how we took it and always would.”
The couple continued to make the decision about them.
“My dad and his wife are claiming my comments were cruel and that it shows a lack of appreciation for what she did to bring him back to life after losing Mom.”
“She said it hurt to realize we have so little love or appreciation for her that we can’t see his comments in the positive.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were disgusted by how the OP’s dad had treated her mother’s memory.
“‘Uncharitable outlook’? You were far nicer than I would have been.”
“You can be respectful of your past while being grateful for your present, especially in the case of death. You and your brother deserve so much better.”
“It really didn’t need to be this way, Dad failed his big kids massively.” – Livid-Supermarket-44
“OP, your father’s a dolt. To make the observations he’s made about his present marriage obviously has thrown major shade on his marriage to your mother. His comments should NEVER have been made in your or your brother’s presence.”
“His moving on is his business. But to cause comments that clearly diminish his marriage to your mother are totally unacceptable.”
“Kudos to you and your brother for calling him out. I’d reiterate your position and further, advise him that neither of you anticipate an inheritance from him; as he not only moved on from your mother, but he’s also diminished the role of you and your brother in his life.”
“And NO, your stepmother has NOT become your mom. Rest assured that her relationship with their two children bears no resemblance to her relationship with you two.” – Tight-Shift5706
“If he had any grace, he would’ve said, ‘I’m so glad I found a second person to love as much as my late wife. I’m a lucky man to fall in love twice, to get a second chance at happiness after I felt my world closed down. I feel I moved on, but I’ll always honour the man she made me be, because that allowed me to be the man I am today.'”
“Or something like that. His sons would actually still talk to him that way.”
“Some things you never say as a parent. For example, which kid you like more.” – Gold-Carpenter7616
“Not just ‘I sure am glad your mom died,’ but ‘I sure am glad your mom died when you two were just eight and six because…'”
“And his whole ‘I wouldn’t change anything’ line, when said to people who lost their mother at eight and six, and who would undoubtedly prefer to have her still alive, is just astoundingly, phenomenally cruel.”
“There is just no way to re-state that that is anything other than cruel and unfeeling to his children.”
“OP’s father has no empathy. If he did, he would not have struggled to understand where his kids are coming from on this.” – GothicGingerbread
“I recently married a widower (no children from his marriage). I know I will never take her place in his heart, and I’ve never tried; they were together for nearly 20 years.”
“He told me that he was lucky enough to find love twice, he cherishes both of us. His late wife was an amazing woman (I knew her for a short time), and I paid a small tribute to her on our wedding day.”
“For OP’s dad to say that the second wife if the love of his life, to me means OP’s mom (and first wife) was a ‘placeholder’ until the ‘real’ one came along. I’m sorry for OP and her brother.” – Cuddle_RedBlue0932
Others agreed and applauded the OP and her brother for honoring their mother.
“I think it’s beautiful that you and your brother still celebrate your mother. Your father doesn’t need to be included in this ritual. I hope my son feels this way after I’m gone. Keep doing what you’re doing.” – Shadow4summer
“Take comfort in knowing you are both more of her than you are of him. She must have been an incredible mother and I’m sorry you lost her too soon.”
“Your dad and Cruella can go you-know-where. Somehow they had to make it about them. There’s nothing stopping him from honoring her if it was so genuine, they’re the a**holes.” – Dapper_Violinist9631
“He hasn’t joined you… in 11 years. So he missed the 10th, the 15th, and everything in-between until you got to this year, and at 20 years is suddenly when it matters?!”
“Why didn’t it matter for the last ELEVEN YEARS?!”
“NTA. If he was my dad, a fork would’ve been embedded in his thigh if that conversation was in person and not over the phone.” – RawrRRitchie
“I totally get where you’re coming from. Losing your mom at such a young age must have been incredibly tough, and it’s understandable that you and your brother would want to honor her in your own way.”
“Given your dad’s comments over the years about his new wife being the love of his life and downplaying his feelings for your mom, it’s no surprise that you’d feel hurt and distanced. It’s your right to remember your mom without involving those who haven’t shown the same respect for her memory.”
“So, in my opinion, you’re NTA for setting those boundaries and honoring your mom in a way that feels right to you.” – MagicalShadowGlow
“Nope, NTA… Your dad and his wife want to act like your mom was just some footnote in his life but now they’re mad they weren’t included in honoring her? That’s pure hypocrisy.”
“He spent YEARS downplaying her importance, treating your feelings like an inconvenience, and acting like your pain was something to get over… and now that it’s convenient for him, he suddenly cares? Nah.”
“You and your brother have every right to honor your mom without them, and you were right to call him out on his dismissive attitude. He made his choices, and he doesn’t get to guilt-trip you into pretending otherwise.” – MysticEveClair
The subReddit could understand the OP’s dad moving on and finding new love after his late wife passed away, but to suggest that she was a mistake or that he was glad things turned out the way they did, so he could end up with his second wife, was heartless.
It made total sense that the OP would want to only honor her mother’s memory among people who genuinely wanted to honor her, not people who wanted to keep appearances.