In today’s dating world, with more people than ever meeting online first, it’s important to take safety measures before meeting someone for the first time.
This includes, among other things, meeting at a public location instead of revealing where you live, and having an exit strategy in case something goes wrong.
This should be just as true for men as it is for women, pointed out the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor ungrateful_soup had been in a long-distance relationship with his girlfriend for a while, and since things were going well, he intended to go and meet her for the first time in Mexico, where she lived.
But when she was furious and offended to learn that he intended to stay in a hotel on his first visit to her country, the Original Poster (OP) began to feel uncomfortable about meeting her.
He asked the sub:
“Am I the a**hole for ‘insulting’ my long-distance relationship (LDR) girlfriend by getting a hotel?”
The OP was ready to take his long-distance relationship to the next level by meeting his girlfriend in person.
“I (24 Male) am planning to go see my girlfriend (21 Female) for the first time.”
“She lives in a different country (Mexico), and we are in a long-distance relationship.”
“When we were discussing my trip [to Mexico], she told me she wanted me to stay with her at her parents’ house.”
“I told her that I was planning on booking a hotel instead. I had two reasons for this:”
“First, I didn’t want to impose or bother her parents, especially since I haven’t met them yet.”
“Second, since it is my first time visiting the country and meeting her in person, I wanted to be cautious and have my own space just in case.”
The OP was surprised by how his girlfriend took his plans.
“She got extremely upset when I told her this.”
“When I saw how hurt she was, I tried to compromise. I told her, ‘Look, I can keep the hotel reservation just as a backup, but I am willing to stay with you at your parents’ house if that’s what you really want.'”
“She refused and said that I can’t stay with her anymore because I effectively ‘rejected her help’ the first time around. Now she says the door is closed on that option.”
“I feel bad that I hurt her feelings, but I was just trying to be polite to her family and safe regarding my travel plans.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that he was right and smart to have alternate plans in place.
“HOLY RED FLAGSSSSS. No one should be upset that you wanted your own space in a new country. For all you know, she could say you were allowed to stay, and then her parents said no, so you’re not wrong for being cautious.” – IHateTheJoneses
“The OP did the right thing by coordinating a room for himself.”
“You’d be the nicest parent in the world if you offered to get your daughter’s long-distance-only boyfriend a hotel room. Most wouldn’t do that.”
“Most wouldn’t allow him to stay at their house either, at least in my country. I can see cultural differences being the defining factor here.” – ShanksySun
“OP is just dealing with someone immature, among other things. It’s nice that she’s willing to host. However, it’s the real first time in person. Also, it’s not like we’re talking state-to-state meet-ups; this is different countries. She should have some understanding about this rather than a tantrum.” – GoopInThisBowlIsVile
“NTA, with the way the internet is, you can never be too safe. Having a space available to you is a really good idea! Who knows if you won’t get on with her family, or worst case, she isn’t who you think she is.”
“Best case, it also provides a place where the two of you can go for alone time away from her family.” – SuddenTension4280
“NTA. As you haven’t met yet in person, there are a lot of things that could go wrong. It will be awkward, and you two might learnthat you two aren’t compatible.”
“And then there is safety. No offense, you have no idea who this person is. You just know their online personality.” – Potential_Ad_1397
“If you were coming to visit me for the first time, there is zero chance you’d be welcome to stay with me. A hotel for your first visit would be required. I’m not sure what to think about someone who wants you to stay with them at their parents’ house.” – Lopsided_Tie1675
“I do think that this might be a result of cultural differences and not necessarily anything nefarious.”
“In my culture, someone coming to visit you but staying elsewhere if you have space to accommodate them would definitely seem rude and standoffish. I can imagine that, in more collectivist cultures, this would be even more offensive.”
“Not to say that OP shouldn’t do what they feel most comfortable with, but it is important to remember that Americans often view things through a more individualistic lens that really didn’t carry over to all other cultures.”
“That said, he did the right and considerate thing by making arrangements for himself just in case, and hopefully, his girlfriend can recognize his intentions.” – doNotUseReddit123
Others were alarmed by the OP’s story and urged him not to go on this trip.
“I would not be traveling and staying with strangers. I would get a hotel room if you truly want to go. But honestly, this just seems really dangerous.” – my-dog-made-me-reddit
“Take every single precaution. As a matter of fact, don’t go.” – ihaveazilliondollars
“Her getting angry is exactly the red flags that make it a good idea to stay at a hotel. This has ‘steal your passport while you sleep’ vibes.” – Marialnconnu
“Cancel, cancel, cancel. DO NOT GO.” – Far-Cut-6769
“Please don’t go. Something is up.” – EatsTheLastSlice
“She sounds insane. She’s probably a 45-year-old man called Dave. Dave’s parents are dead, and he dresses them up every day and moves them around the house, maybe watching TV, or reading a book…”
“Whether Dave dresses up as ‘your girlfriend’ or not, I don’t know, but I suggest you don’t find out.”
“All your points are entirely reasonable. Hers, well, she’s nuts.”
“Honestly, just get out of this plan and this ‘relationship.’ Cancel what you can, and treat the rest as a good investment in finding out now that she’s unhinged, rather than later on.”
“NTA.” – CatJarmansPants
“NTA. RED FLAGS EVERYWHERE.”
“Your safety is priority one. Full Stop. This screams long game con/scam. Guilt used to elicit a pressure response is on full display here. This is a way to isolate you.”
“This is incredibly unsafe. If this isn’t the case, then she’s just an over-emotional and selfish person who can’t put herself into your shoes.”
“That’s the best case scenario, so… I’d make some serious decisions about this ‘relationship’ and ask yourself all the questions you would if you thought this was a scam. If the answers come easily, there’s a reason.” – I_Y_C_B_T_J_T_2025
“Anybody who overreacts about anything and you’ve haven’t met them in real life yet is a red flag.”
“In the beginning part of our relationships, everybody’s on their best behavior. What does this say about her?”
“I wouldn’t go. It’s just not worth it going to another country, not knowing anybody, and who knows what could happen to you?”
“And people get kidnapped for ransom all the time in Mexico. My brother-in-law’s Mexican, and they’re always extra careful when they go back. They love tourists for that reason.”
“Sidenote, I mean no disrespect. Mexico is incredible, and the people are equally so. But kidnapping is a problem among a certain group, and there’s no telling where they’ll turn up.” – interestedpartyM
“NTA. The average woman does not want a man she has never met in her life to stay in a house with her and her family.”
“This is a major red flag. I have a bad feeling she’s trying to lure you into something.” – Madea_onFire
“Please get the hotel and stay at the hotel because you do not have an actual relationship with this person you have been corresponding with, and certainly do not know their family.”
“For your own safety, please get the hotel and meet this girl at a neutral location for the first time.” – ThePythiaofApollo
There was a chance that this was the start of a wonderful relationship, and the girlfriend was feeling hurt because she was excited to meet and get to know her boyfriend in person, while her parents were also trying to be welcoming to him.
But since they only knew each other online, there was also a chance that darker intentions were at play, and that the OP’s girlfriend wasn’t even who she said she was.
The right thing for the OP to do, if he still intended to go on this trip, was to book that hotel room in case the relationship wasn’t what he thought it was. If everything turned out wonderfully, then he simply tried to do something considerate for his girlfriend and potential in-laws, and there should be no harm in that.