Deciding when and how to come out to family is something LGBTQ people have to tackle. But what if they’re ready to share the truth, but a someone tells them not to?
What if that person asking them to lie is their mom?
That’s the dilemma a 38-year-old woman is facing, so she turned to the “Am I the A**hole” subReddit to ask a hypothetical “Would I Be The A**hole” (WIBTA) question.
Redditor vegchiknug asked:
“WIBTA if I told my uncle that I am gay?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I have been married to my [34-year-old] wife for 4 years and we have been together for 10. My parents know of our relationship and have always treated my wife with nothing but respect.”
“However, my mother refuses to tell the truth to her side of the family. Under all my aunts’ and uncles’ and cousins’ eyes, I am single.”
“I was not allowed to invite them to my wedding.”
“My mother’s excuse is that my grandfather (93) would never accept it if he found out about it (ultra Catholic and conservative). While that may be true, I am sick of tiptoeing around about my life to people who live 2000 miles away from me.”
“3 years ago my wife and I moved away from my home state for her job. We know nobody here and I have no family here.”
“So my mom’s side of the family thinks I simply picked up and moved by myself 2000 miles away from everybody, leaving my great job and career behind without any other reason.”
“Now, one of my uncles is here in my city visiting friends and my mother gave him my cell phone number.”
“She says he wants to meet me for dinner and she’d love for me to see him but I am not to say anything about my life—how I am married to a woman, why we moved here, where I live, where I work, or the fact that we are currently pregnant with our first child.”
“I cannot fathom sitting across my uncle, who I adore, and lying to his face about everything about me for two hours. However I worry that by telling him he will, in turn, inform my mother’s side of the family and should my mother find out about that, I am positive she’ll stop speaking to me.”
“It’s a big gamble, but WIBTA if I simply told him the truth?”
Redditors weighed in by declaring OP would be:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Overall Redditors agreed OP would be NTA if they told the truth, but some chastised her for going along with her mother’s demands for so long.
“NTA. Your mother can’t force you into the closet. Yes, her family may take it bad, but it is your choice to tell them or not.”
“The fact that she is insisting on being the gatekeeper here suggests she isn’t as supportive as she may think. Her job as a mom is to support you and stand behind you regardless of what you choose to tell your family.”
“She is making you keep a huge portion of your life and identity a secret and that is a major a**hole move, and it means she is more worried about how her family will see her, for having a gay daughter, than being supportive of you and your spouse.” ~ MyFaceSaysItsSugar
“NTA. I’m sorry your mom supports homophobia.”
“Her failings are not yours. I hope it goes well with your uncle.” ~ codeOrCoffee
“NTA. Tell your uncle. And tell him that your mother is the one that stopped you from telling him before.”
“This is your life! You do not need to hide it from people you are in any way close to.”
“If they turn away, well then that is their loss, you do not need them. But you deserve to live your life openly.”
“Even more importantly, you are expecting a child, for gods sake! Will this child have to grow up being hidden from part of her family?”
“Will they be excluded from all family events that include any of your mother’s side of the family? Will they be aknowledged as a grandchild by your mother?”
“Will there be pictures of them, or will their existence be denied? Think about what kind of example you are setting for them if you stand for this.”
“You would let them grow up in the knowledge that being in a same sex marriage and their whole existance is something to be ashamed of!!”
“And really, let them know that it is your mother that demanded they be kept in the dark. Any blame for hurt feelings over being lied to for so long, any potential ‘what, did you really think so little of us that you had to hide this?!’ should be placed firmly at her door.”
“If this causes you mother to stop speaking to you, then—I am sorry—this is something you have to accept, for the sake of your child. Do not let them grow up being treated as a shameful secret that needs to be hidden away.” ~ SufficientMacaroon1
The OP returned to answer some questions after receiving lots of feedback.
“I woke up to so many supportive messages from complete strangers. It filled me with such hope and only reaffirmed what I long suspected.”
“I’m not an a**hole for being honest about who I am. I am an a**hole for going along with such an insane f’king story for so long.”
“To all those who asked about the inheritance, no idea if there is money involved or not. Suppose in retrospect this could be something that’s true.”
“To those who said I am an a**hole because of what I have done to my wife with these lies, yes I do know that I am the a**hole for that. Luckily I have a superstar of a wife who supports me in all aspects and who has patiently helped me navigate the rough waters of my family.”
“And lastly, to all who congratulated us on the baby, thank you from the bottom of our hearts. This little miracle is what I am most proud of.”
“A new life filled with new promise and potential. I will cherish this little soul and support him/her/them in all that they do and all the ways that they exist in their lifetime.”
The OP returned a second time to let Redditors know how things turned out.
“I met with my uncle and his girlfriend today. Initially I was not going to tell my truth as outlined below.”
“However after spending nearly 45 minutes talking and his girlfriend talking about how she took my uncle to her gay friend’s house and how many gay friends she has, I could not contain my truth.”
“So I told them and both were happy for me. Both were sad I had to lie about my life.”
“I’m grateful for the good people in this world. For the support and love I get from complete strangers.”
“I have told my mother that I have told the truth and have yet to hear back from her. Prior to attending lunch, I had a text discussion with her in which I laid out how I am tired of lying and how I hate being deceitful about my life.”
“I told her I am not ashamed of my life and I am sorry you are. I expect her to be angry at me. I expect her to stop speaking to me.”
“But the weight on my chest? It feels a little bit lighter and for that I am most thankful.”
“Thank you to everyone who read this post, offered support and wisdom. You all gave me strength I didn’t even know existed.”