There has always been a cultural or societal push to keep family in your life, no matter what.
From trite sayings like “blood is thicker than water”—to which I say, “Lots of bodily fluids are thicker than water and equally unpleasant”—to advice like, “But that’s your mother/father/sibling, etc…,” escaping a toxic familial relationship is generally frowned upon as some sort of aberration to be ridiculed.
To which I say, “You like them so much, you deal with them.”
A woman with a rocky relationship with her parents throughout her childhood turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback after giving them another chance led to more hurt than healing.
BadProfessional3445 asked:
“AITA for leaving dinner with my parents after they called my girlfriend disgusting?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“So, I (32, female) have been dating my girlfriend I’ll call Ruby (48, female) for around 10 months.”
“Yes, I’m well aware of our age gap. I’m a fully grown woman. I can make my own choices.”
“Ruby treats me well, and she’s been the first after a long string of sh*tty exes to do so.”
“For some context, me and my parents (67, female and 65, male) have never been close, as they honestly didn’t really give a sh*t about me when I was a kid. I was always being handed off to nannies and ignored when I would try to play with them.”
“They would always leave me behind with said nannies when they went on business trips and vacations, and then when I got older, they would just leave me all alone. It was a sh*tty way to grow up, but I’ve moved on from it.”
“I can’t let my childhood define my entire life. Once I moved out, we rarely talked besides holidays and birthdays.”
“Anyways, in the past couple years, my parents have started reaching out more and trying to connect. I was a little weary at first, as I thought maybe they wanted something from me, but after feeling them out for a bit, I think they just feel bad for how they ignored me when I was young.”
“I slowly started letting them into my life, and a few months ago, told them about Ruby. They immediately jumped into telling me how I’m too young to be dating someone so old and so on and so forth.”
“I shut that down immediately. I told them they don’t get to say stuff like that to me, ever. They can support me after all the stuff they pulled, or go away. That seemed to shut them up.”
“Fast forward to last night, me, Ruby, and my parents all had dinner together. It was their first time meeting her. It was going smoothly up until Ruby pecked me on the lips before going to the bathroom.”
“The second she was out of earshot, my mom just blurted out something like (I can’t exactly remember), ‘Ruby absolutely disgusts us. She’s disgusting’.”
“I didn’t say anything, but I was just so stunned as they both started trying to explain that they can’t accept this relationship or some bullsh*t. I barely remember, all I could hear was static.”
“I flagged down our waitress, told my parents that we’re leaving, and paid the bill as we all sat in awkward silence—I guess they didn’t want to embarrass themselves in front of the waitress? I don’t even know.”
“By then Ruby was back, and she was totally confused.”
“I explained everything in the cab home, and I honestly started tearing up a bit. I was finally starting to think I actually had parents, but then they go and say sh*t like that. Ruby was pretty shocked and comforted me.”
“Now, my parents have been calling and texting me, scolding me for leaving like that, and saying that they just want me to date someone right for me. They even looped a couple of aunts and uncles in (who never even really gave a damn about me ever) and have them telling me to answer my parents and apologize.”
“Just need to know, was I wrong?”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I might be an a**hole for leaving dinner with my parents. It’s generally pretty rude to just up and leave a dinner like that.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. While the age gap is significant, and you should keep your eyes open for any red flags (particularly when you have a history of dating the wrong people), you are a grown person who can make her own decisions.”
“It’s one thing to be concerned about you, but your parents crossed a major line by insulting your girlfriend when they were already on shaky ground. They said something that can never be unsaid.”
“Are you sure this isn’t more about you being in a lesbian relationship than the age gap? If they were truly concerned about her age, that was a strange way to address it.” ~ SoMuchMoreEagle
“Why not both? Because my money is on the parents wanting to reconnect because It’s Time For Them To Be Grandparents.”
“A sapphic relationship isn’t going to produce children by any traditional means (yes, yes, IVF and adoption, but I’m busy assuming the worst of the parents here), and a partner who’s pushing 50 isn’t likely to wanna be a new parent in their eyes.”
“It might be just regular homophobia, sure, especially with that whole ‘right for you’ jab later on. But they’re 67 and 65 and have been self‐absorbed their whole lives, and I just bet they’re starting contact now ‘when it’s quiet’ so they can help get themselves some grandkids. Also, NTA.” ~ Hedgehogahog
“That’s a very good point, but part of me wonders just what the f*ck they think they’re going to do with grandkids when they pawned off their actual kid to nannies all the time, seemingly not even willing to parent for the fun stuff.”
“Do they view grandkids as a sort of do-over for them? Or is it just a status thing for their friends and acquaintances?” ~ TheMagnificentPrim
“Probably yes to both, honestly. It’s something they can gloat about to their friends and, in their eyes, would be a way of atonement for neglecting their daughter.” ~ scalmera
“I have a theory about this situation. Your parents didn’t want back in your life because they felt bad. They are aging. They are probably thinking they will need a caregiver in their old age, so they hunted you down.”
“But they found out you are dating someone, and that person will be your priority. There’s nothing disgusting about Ruby or your relationship. You met as adults. That’s the criteria for age gap relationships—no one got groomed.”
“You are simply two adults consenting to an adult relationship. I may be wrong with my theory, but something tells me there’s way more to this reconciliation attempt than they wanted you to know. NTA.” ~ IAmTAAlways
“It’s probably more about appearances, control, and regrets. They probably got asked a lot why their daughter doesn’t speak to them or visit.”
“And then they reached out and discovered she wasn’t desperate for their affection and that she had a relationship and was a full-fledged adult.”
“Now they’re lashing out and trying to act like concerned parents that she should listen to. Unfortunately they’re 30+ years too late for that role and they can’t handle that they can’t control her.” ~ Silaquix
“NTA. Your parents spent years emotionally ghostin’ you, then wanna waltz back in and trash the first person who actually treats you right? Nah. That’s peak audacity. You didn’t overreact, you protected your peace and your partner.”
“Their ‘disgust’ says way more about their sh*tty priorities than your relationship. They had a chance to rebuild trust and blew it by pullin’ the same toxic crap. Now they’re weaponizin’ family to guilt you? Classic manipulation playbook.”
“Ruby sounds like a keeper. Your parents? Not so much. Keep those boundaries steel-reinforced.”
“You owe them nothing—not an apology, not your time, not a single tear. Focus on the family you’re choosing, not the one that failed you.” ~ FreesiaHeart28
“Yes! There’s a reason emotionally manipulative people want those who love you well out of your life. If you are isolated, you are easier to control.”
“I’m getting vibes of homophobia/some other unknown ‘trigger’ for her parents to act this way, but no matter what it is, calling Ruby ‘disgusting’ after giving OP a simple peck is not okay.”
“And with OP’s other history, ‘affection’ seems the most likely candidate. It makes sense that parents who’ve withheld love and support from OP her entire life up to this point would find simple affection so threatening.” ~ BigRedTeapot
The OP didn’t provide an update but did add:
“I just wanted to say a big thank you to every single person who left a comment.”
Hopefully the OP is able to find peace in however their situation ends up—either with or without their parents in their life.