Unfortunately, not all of us have family members that are supportive and kind people.
For queer people, that gets really stressful very quickly. Especially if it’s nuclear family who are cruel to us and to our partners, it creates a horribly awkward situation.
Redditor toxicmilandbil found herself at the receiving end of a bad situation with her brother-in-law [BIL], mother-in-law [MIL], and brother-in-law’s wife. After finally having enough, she snapped back.
When her brother-in-law played the victim and got several family members against her, she wondered if she really had overreacted. To get objective feedback from strangers, she turned to the popular subReddit “Am I The A**hole?” or “AITA.”
She asked:
“AITA for telling BIL to shut up?”
Our original poster, or OP, doesn’t really enjoy her in-law’s company:
“A bit of context, my fiancee (25f[emale]) and I (22f) go out for lunch several times with mother in law, brother in law (27), and brother in law’s wife.”
“My fiancee and I live 1.5 hours away so we rarely see them except to have lunch and to come visit when we have the time.”
“BIL is notorious for making racist or homophobic remarks or asking some things that are not appropriate just to be an a**hole to get under your skin.”
“A few uncomfortable things he has personally asked me because of my ethnicity was if I was a legal U.S citizen or if my parents are legal.”
“My fiancee has called him out on these questions several times and told him to cut it out. MIL and BIL’s wife always find it funny.”
Finally, one time recently, she’d really had enough:
“Well a couple of weeks ago, we came to visit. Him and my fiancee start bickering over some remark he made towards us for being gay and I got fed up and told him to shut up.”
“MIL and BIL’s wife laughed and we went about our day.”
But then her mother-in-law decided to make a big deal out of it:
“A couple of days later, MIL calls to ask why I was being rude and an a**hole to him and that I shouldn’t have told him to shut up cause it upset her.”
“Fiancee sticks up for me and says he deserved it and that his remarks were out of line so why is she mad at me but not him?”
“BIL then calls my fiancee and tells her that he doesn’t like me because I was being mean and that I had an attitude with him.”
“His wife agrees with him and said that I was being rude and should apologize to him. So reddit, AITA?”
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
Everyone thought that OP was well within her rights and that her brother-in-law could f**k off.
“NTA. Respect goes both ways. The whole family besides your wife need a reality check on their behavior.”
“I think anyone in your situation would’ve told them to shut up over the remakes they were making.”-Delta_Maya
“NTA, he’s a classic oaf, everyone puts up with his boorish behaviour but call him out on it and it hurts his feelings and Mommy has to defend him.”
“Sadly, you are engaged to marry into that family so you need to find a way to tolerate them during your fleeting social interactions.”
“Talk to your fiance, set your boundaries and best of luck.”-highwoodshady
“NTA. Did the ‘big tough ma’ not like it when the female answered back and stood up to him rather than bowing down to his every word ‘yes sir, no sir, you’re so funny sir?'”
“I don’t know how you’ve put up with it until now, I would’ve done more than tell him to shut up a long time ago – you’re a stronger person than I am!”-JBB2002902
“NTA. I don’t know how to respond to people like this so I can’t really offer advice. The things they say are so wrong that I don’t know where to start.”
“Maybe something like, ‘Hey, we’re all trying to enjoy ourselves here. You’re purposefully being annoying and you’re not funny. You seem to be lacking some social skills.'”
“‘I feel sorry for you but I can’t tolerate this any further so if you can’t be civil maybe we shouldn’t have these lunches anymore?'”
“The problem is everything he says is rude, but ‘shut up’ is also rude and Mr Snowflake has chosen to play the victim and is being enabled by his wife and his mommy.”
“I might say something like ‘I’m sorry that I responded to your rude behavior with my own rude behavior. I don’t usually let people bring me down to that level.'”
“And you should talk to the MIL about this because I feel like you do want to keep seeing her. She’s probably in the middle here and for whatever reasons she’s taking sides and choosing the wrong side.”
“But maybe if she understands that you and your fiancee plan to be together permanently and that neither of you is willing to be insulted at a family lunch she might respect your position?”
“You’re definitely NTA and the BIL was overdue for a reality check. Maybe talking to him privately would help, and before I give up I think I would prepare what I want to say, write it down or make some bullet points, and call him.”
“Talk to him about the behavior and if it’s going nowhere excuse yourself from the call. You can’t let this guy set the tone for these lunches.”
“You don’t have to see any of these people ever again, but before that I’d try to get through to both BIL and MIL separately.”
“You might gain a new standing in the family. Stay cool and don’t let him get to you if possible. I’d give it a try because it doesn’t sound like you want to stop seeing MIL and just maybe things will change.”-dog_star_
In fact, people are wondering why OP is even bothering to spend time with these people at all.
“I mean…. do you really have to ask here? You got some jacka** constantly making racist and homophobic remarks cuz he thinks its funny and doesn’t stop when asked.”
“You know what that means? It means he is racist and homophobic. MIL and SIL probably are too because they are basically backing him up.”
“You can try to be an adult with these people and have a serious conversation about how all this make you feel but I don’t see them changing. NTA.”-SynonymousToWater
“NTA. Your MIL and BIL’s wife agree with him because they are either racists as well, or have become accustomed to his awful comments and jokes.”
“It’s like there is a bad smell in the room, but because they live in that filth, they’ve gone nose-deaf to it. Then, you come over for a visit, step inside, take a deep breath, and you are assaulted with the stench.”
“You are not at fault for pointing out that he stinks.”
“If he doesn’t want to shower, and his wife and mother don’t mind the smell, that’s up to them. But you don’t have to put up with the smell.”
“I would stop visiting the BIL, and see if maybe you can visit with only MIL and the wife, without BIL.”
“If you can visit them without him around, it’ll give you a chance to see if they stink too, or if it’s just the BIL.”-NotSoAverage_sister
“NTA- your future In Laws sound like racist, homophobic AHs. I’m sure your fiancé has had numerous conversations about this in the past based on how she defended you.”
“I’m surprised that you haven’t started going low or no contact with these people because they sound extremely toxic.”-jupiter0342
“NTA, and honestly your fiance needs to step up and either reduce contact with her toxic family or cut them off altogether.”
“Your BIL sucks but the other family members laughing at his abuse are also terrible people. Why is your fiance insisting on subjecting you to racist and homophobic attacks?”-lecorbeauamelasse
People know a homophobe and a racist when they see one, and are strongly advising OP to run the other way.
“NTA. The fact the your future MIL and your BIL’s wife found these statements funny and feel like YOU need to apologize just show that they are also homophobic/racist as well. Just not as bold with it.”
“It’s a good thing you live 1.5 hrs away because it may be time to seriously limit how often you see them. Also, happy pride month! Real rude for him to do this now. And in general let’s be honest.”-Weak-Status
“NTA If he doesn’t show you respect, why should you show him respect.”
“Honestly OP, I would have a sit down with your fiancé and tell her that if BIL is there, you don’t want to visit anymore.”
“I have a feeling she will back you up. Then you only have to worry about MIL complaining about breaking up the family.”
“But that’s easy to solve too. Tell her it’s BIL’s fault and leave it at that. Ignore her very presence each time she brings it up.”-Inner-Nothing7779
“NTA. BIL is homophobic and also just plain mean. He likes to upset people and thinks it’s funny. It isn’t.”
“When he said something about you being gay and you told him to shut up, it was the right thing to do.”
“He owes you and your fiancee the apology but he won’t do it. Maybe you should stop seeing so much of these unpleasant people.”-No_Proposal7628
“NTA. Your in-laws think your BIL is funny, and not rude, making them as homophobic and racist as he is.”
“There is no reason to subject yourself to their presence. If your partner wants a relationship with them, fine, but that doesn’t mean you have to see or talk to them.”-cassowary32
OP and her fiancée have to decide whether or not to continue subjecting themselves to this treatment.
Hopefully they find the way out without having to apologize to a racist.