Telling someone their future dreams aren't valid is harsh.
Many people try to handle the matter, but end up making a mess of the situation.
One may never know what sparks inspiration in a person.
Maybe try to be glad it's there.
Redditor homtulce wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
"AITA for making my wife throw out a whole chicken?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My younger cousin is in her senior year of high school, and when we were talking about her future college and career choices, she told me she wants to go to med school."
"I was a bit surprised because she had just previously told me she is not interested in any related subject (she likes Arts and History and seems to despise biological sciences), so I kept asking what drew her to medicine, and she said she started thinking about it after binge-watching Grey's Anatomy."
"So I said she should maybe do some extra research on the realities of med school and the medical field, because Grey's Anatomy is fiction and not an accurate representation of the profession and a doctor's life."
"I said this with good intentions, but she took it as if I was suggesting she was naive and misinformed, or trying to make her second-guess her decision."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA for this?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"YTA. I'm a scientist who works with surgeons."
"Many of my colleagues got into the field because they watched M*A*S*H growing up."
"I know a bunch of emergency physicians who first learn about the field from the show ER."
"And countless people got interested in medicine from Scrubs."
"It's a pretty common way to develop early interest in being a physician."
"Your cousin is years away from making a full commitment to medicine, and she has plenty of time to figure out if it's right for her without any significant consequences if she changes her mind."
"She doesn't need your negativity in her life."
"And for the record, some of the best surgeons I know were humanities majors in college - art history, history, and classics."
"It's possible to enjoy and succeed in both science and art." ~ mpjjpm
"100% agree, YTA.'
"How many archeologists became that because of Indiana Jones?"
"Our interests have to start somewhere."
"A movie isn't a terrible place to start." ~ No_Salad_8766
"Also agree OP is TA- I majored in anthropology because of Indiana Jones!"
"I loved it and regret nothing, despite life taking me elsewhere."
"The kid is old enough to know reality from fantasy and know it's not going to be like that."
"For me, at least, Indiana Jones sparked a love of ancient cultures."
"It didn't make me think I was going to be going on adventures stealing artifacts, destroying historical sites, etc." ~ Panic-at-the-catio
"You sound exhausted."
"Let her go to college and take some classes and decide for herself."
"Her first couple of years of college will be mostly gen eds anyway, so if she hates her science classes and loves the humanities, she can change majors without any repercussions."
'But maybe she'll continue with premed and become a doctor!"
"You're not doing her any favors by discouraging her now, you're just being an a**." ~ BunniesnBroomsticks
"YTA. Do you have any idea how many people have watched horribly inaccurate TV shows and movies only to decide to follow in that profession?!?"
"Seriously... I am 100% sure there are thousands of people out there who are firefighters today cause they saw Backdraft as a kid."
"I'm sure there's a bunch more that are nurses and doctors cause they watched ER or another show like it."
"Bottom line.... who cares WHY someone wants to be a doctor?"
"Be happy that they at least want to try." ~ SigSauerPower320
"YTA. You basically told her you don't think she's capable of becoming a doctor."
"I didn't see anything in the post to suggest you're in the position to do that."
"As an older cousin, there's some decent chance she looks up to you, and you telling her that you don't believe in her would be very hurtful with no possible positive outcome."
"If it's not for her, she'll figure that out on her own."
"She likely needs people rooting for her while she discovers more about herself rather than doubters telling her she isn't good enough." ~ garublador
"YTA. A lot of women have gone into STEM and other fields because of shows (Grey's, The X Files, Bones, etc.)."
'And they're kicking a**."
"You should not be questioning your cousin or trying to dampen her spirit."
"Her bachelor's is what will help her determine if she can do med school."
"Her family should be supporting her and lifting her up." ~ friendlily
"I think people are being WAY too harsh in these comments."
"I don't see anything wrong with telling someone that they should find out more about the field they'll potentially be spending tens of thousands of dollars to study, maybe even more."
"If she said she doesn't like any of the related subjects to it, yeah, I would question why a show would change that."
"I've seen people go into college to study medicine only to find out they have no affinity for sciences, nor do they have a desire to do all the associated schooling with it."
"Better to understand sooner than later unless she's ok with wasting money and time." ~ articnight240
"YTA. She's got two years of basic requirements in college to really dial in on what she wants."
"And, the reasons that ignite someone's interest in a topic aren't really relevant, as long as they've got the interest and desire." ~ Possible-Tangelo9344
"YTA. The road to hell is paved with good intentions, champ."
"Whether you believe it or not, people's interests change all the time, and we can even be interested in more than one thing at a time."
"Which means she can be interested in the arts and still want to work in the medical field."
"You took something that she was excited to share with you and tore her down."
"Even if you don't see it that way."
"My cousin is a big fan of Grey's Anatomy as well and is almost done with his training to be a surgical tech."
"A lot of his family and friends were sure that he was only doing it because he was a fan of Grey's Anatomy, but the truth is that he wants to help save lives."
"Maybe next time you could try being encouraging instead of putting your cousin down 🥰." ~ scrntonstranglr
"Healthcare provider here."
"You did the right thing by speaking up once.'
"Rest is up to her."
"Ignore the YTAs."
"It's not just about interest in biological sciences."
"The field is extraordinarily hard on the mind and the body, and you need to be clear-eyed going in."
"I worked 80 plus hours a week during my training." ~ Mean_Armadillo_279
"Grey's Anatomy really piqued my interest in nursing."
"I've no desire to be a doctor."
"And I love it."
"Also, she's literally in her senior year of high school."
"She's probably going to change her mind before she finds something she likes at least a couple of times."
"Just let her enjoy what she wants right now. YTA."
"Also, I'd LOVE to know how old you are."
"Because your post reads like you're like 23 and think you know everything." ~ ButtonTemporary8623
"Yes, YTA."
"Let people like what they like, and figure it out on their own."
"If they ask you for your opinion, sure, but unsolicited life advice is usually annoying."
"Also, a lot of friends of mine who liked Grey's Anatomy are in the medical field now; it's a popular show." ~ Oodietheoderoni
"She's the one who said she doesn't like doing the science work that medicine is based on."
"It's kind of an important aspect of being a doctor."
"I don't understand where this idea to leave people alone comes from."
"I'd have probably been a math teacher if I were left alone, and that's definitely not what I would have wanted to do."
"You're supposed to ask people questions and make sure they know what they're getting into."
"And help guide them to figuring out what's the right choice for them." ~ NamelessBard
"YTA. All sorts of careers are filled with people who were inspired by books and shows that weren't completely accurate." ~ Eternalthursday1976
"I was going to say watching and adoring You've Got Mail made me want to move to NYC and work in books."
"I remember my mom saying NYC is idealized in the movie, and I wouldn't actually like that."
"Anyway, I've been here nearly 20 years now and am writing novels as my job."
"She's a senior in high school, let her dream! YTA." ~ AUSTENtatiously
"YTA a little bit."
"She's a kid with an unlikely dream, it's actually fine for her to say she might like med school."
"She's not going to waltz into an OR tomorrow morning."
"She'll figure out that she's not that into bio science and choose something else, maybe pharma sales or something, that is healthcare adjacent."
"Or, she may actually find she enjoys science more in college than she did as a kid." ~ FairyCompetent
"As an attorney whose career path was impacted by watching and loving Legally Blonde, YTA."
"It got me interested in the field."
"So I went to law school to see if I actually liked it."
"And here I am, finishing my 6th year as an attorney." ~ Siareen
"YTA. People get inspired to do things to make a difference by what they watch all the time."
"I think all the reasons she gave for how she believed you were trying to make her feel are accurate, and maybe nobody else has called you out on this sort of behavior before- and you don't like it!" ~ shelbyeatenton
Reddit has some issues with your actions, OP.
Career inspiration is found everywhere.
It's not your job to stifle ideas; challenge them, sure, but there are better ways to do that.
You weren't being malicious.
But a little tact goes a long way.
And in the words of Grey's Anatomy's Dr. Derek Shepherd, "it's a beautiful day to save lives." And a beautiful goal indeed.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp