For many couples, sex is an integral part of a relationship.
It is a way for people to connect and show their affection for one another.
When sex begins to wane, a lot of issues tend to surface.
Not every couple will stay on the same sexual wavelength forever.
This can be a big red flag about the relationship or the new status quo.
A husband and father found himself in a personal dilemma regarding his reaction to his and his wife’s sex life, so he turned to the “Am I The A**Hole” (AITAH) subreddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
He asked:
“AITA for staying on medication that changed my interest in physical intimacy even though now my wife wants it more?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“Ok, so my wife (36 F[emale]) and I (40 M[ale]) have been married for 13 years.”
“We have one kid who’s 8.”
“Early in our relationship, our physical side was very good.”
“After we got married, that side of our relationship slowly declined over the years to where we did nothing more than a quick kiss on the lips once or twice a month. “
“That went on for a long time, and honestly, I just accepted it.”
“When we decided to have a child, things improved for a while.”
“After our kid was born, that affection and closeness happened a bit more often, but still, nothing more than a kiss once or twice a month.”
“I’ve always had a more emotional connection, and over time, it started to feel like she was only doing anything out of wanting to keep me happy, not because she actually wanted to.”
“That part bothered me more because to me I love having that connection between us.”
“Well, I tried talking to her about it.”
“I suggested she talk to a doctor, and she said, “The problem isn’t with me, so why would I do that?’”
“Same response when I suggested counseling.”
“I also tried doing things to make it easier and tried to be more supportive, but nothing really changed in the long term.”
“Eventually, I talked to my own doctor about how frustrated and down I was feeling.”
“He prescribed medication to help my mood and also lower how strongly I felt about this issue.”
“It honestly helped a lot.”
“I felt calmer and less resentful.”
“But even then, I still wanted more than just the occasional kiss, so we talked again.”
“She said she’d try harder, but like before, it only lasted about a week.”
“My doctor later increased the dose.”
“Now things have really flipped. “
“My interest is much lower, and now she seems to want to do anything more than kissing more often than I do.”
“I feel bad turning her down sometimes, but overall I feel happier, more stable, and like our marriage is better than it’s ever been.”
“I could lower the medication, but I don’t really want to because I feel good where I am.”
“I do notice when she wants to spend time together, but I don’t feel the same need anymore, and that makes me feel a little guilty.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“So AITA for staying on medication that works for me even though now I’m the one who’s now less interested?”
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
“Ha. That is so tragically hilarious.”
“But also realistic.”
“The calmer he was, the happier and more comfortable he was, the more attractive and approachable he started to be to her.” ~ Lithogiraffe
“What stands out to me the most in this situation is that someone suggests counseling and the other person says I’m not the problem, so why would I do that?”
“Couples go to counseling because there is a problem in the relationship, and it is being contributed to by multiple parties and is affecting all parties in different ways.”
“You don’t go to counseling to see a referee who’s gonna point one person and lay all the blame on them.”
“It’s to help the people in the couple develop skills to reflect upon themselves, and have productive conversations with their partner so that they can reach a compromise in this challenging situation.” ~ Corgilicious
“I agree.”
“I also wonder what else was going on in the household. “
“They have a kid together.”
“The kid is now at an age where it doesn’t need constant supervision, and ‘suddenly and magically’ the wife is more interested in intimacy.”
“It COULD be that she’s been responsible for the entire workload, physical, practical, and mental, for the entire household, and she’s finally found some room to breathe.”
“Men often think it’s transactional when women say they’d be more inclined to want intimacy when they weren’t busy all evening with chores, but it’s the truth.”
“‘Porn for women’ could just be a video of a sexy guy, doing dishes, and putting kids to bed.”
“Edit to add: And the ‘what is his intention’ was the first thing that came to mind.”
“He doesn’t seem to want to fix anything.”
“He’s just focused on his own comfort, or giving her what he feels he got from her, when she wasn’t willing to work on things.” ~ Baudica
“Seems like they both have the attitude of ‘if I’m not in the mood, sucks for you, bro.'”
“I do sense a part of OP’s current situation is giving her a taste of her own medicine… which is probably not great for the relationship.” ~ Emergency-Paint-6457
“NTA. We’re probably on the same medication, and my wife/family is happier with my behavior/attitude.”
“In my case, the reduced/nonexistent drive was a plus as my wife is going through surgical menopause. “
“That said, our counselor advised us to rekindle emotional intimacy and also work on the physical connection.”
“Maybe try scheduling it, new foreplay, or get E[rectile] D[ysfunction] meds to counteract the side effect.” ~ WobbleTodd
“So YOU took medicines to accommodate her needs (or rather lack thereof)?”
“That was a bad choice in itself because there was nothing wrong with you.”
“But it helped the relationship.”
“Now she wants the opposite and needs you to make a change again, not her.”
“This was to be expected since you did it the first time, she’ll expect you to do it EVERY time.”
“That is why it was a bad choice in the first place.”
“Going to lower doses or throwing out the medicine now will be another bad choice from your side.”
“Sure, it probably will help the relationship, and it is probably better for your physical health to not take these kinds of medicines, and it will give you what you wanted before, more intimacy.”
“But how long will it last?”
“Right, not that long, and you will be back on those medicines again, because in the eyes of your wife, you are and always were the problem, and you took care of it, so you need to take care of it every time.”
“Note. You were NOT the problem.”
“You want a better relationship?”
“You change the medicine, but be prepared to be stabbed in the back afterward because she knows how to do it.”
“If you don’t do anything to increase the intimacy. “
“You run the risk of her finding it somewhere else.”
“And sorry to say, but there is a chance that she found it somewhere else for a long time already when she cut you off.”
“Her wanting it now could mean somewhere else, or someone else is out of the picture for now.”
“You’d better find out what changed for her and make a decision based on that.” ~ dhbxxxx
“NTA. You should be revisiting the couples councelling request.”
“While you were pursuing her, she was fine to dismiss your needs.”
“Now that you’re not pursuing her, she’s instigating.”
“That’s unhealthy, push/pull dynamic.”
“You need to consider if you were with someone who matched your intimacy needs, would you still need the meds?”
“Would you rather numb your needs or be with someone who can meet them?” ~ Beeblebrox_74
“NTA. I say this, but you should also consider that you should not have to take medications to decimate your libido because your partner has no interest in intimacy or your happiness in the least.”
“She only cared once you stopped, which says SHE wants to be wanted and needs to feel desired, but doesn’t really give a damn about what you need.”
“Her dismissive and insulting response to your request says everything about her level of concern for your feelings.” ~ H3110_T43R3
“I’m confused because you know exactly how it feels to be in the position she’s currently in – rejected and neglected.”
“But since that’s no longer you, you simply don’t care?”
“Either you care about your wife and your relationship, or you don’t.”
“It kinda feels like you’re happier to have the tables turned on her than you are to have a healthy relationship.”
“NTA if you don’t care about your marriage.”
“If you do care about your marriage, then you’re going about this all wrong.” ~ Grrrrr_Arrrrrgh
“Mental health is not an easy thing to balance.”
“NAH. You need to get better, you need to feel happy.”
“But she needs to feel loved.”
“I feel like maybe it’s time to talk with your doctor about it.”
“Maybe they can suggest some other medication that could help balance things out, or work out a slow, very deliberate plan to lower your current medication.” ~ IrrelevantManatee
“So for 13 years you’ve barely been intimate, and as soon as you stop pushing i,t she wants some, so typical.”
“If only you knew it was that easy the whole time!”
“I say NTA, she’s been withholding from you all this time for her own mental health or whatever reason, and now that your mental health is a priority, she’s gotta deal with it like you have been doing.”
“Of course, she WILL cheat on you if you don’t find a way, so be prepared for that.”
“She will want attention, and it won’t be hard for her to find it.” ~ Camel_Holocaust
Reddit is with you, OP.
There is a lot to unpack here, though.
It sounds like y’all may need more than Reddit’s help.
Sex is a big relationship issue that can be very fragile to discuss.
Hopefully, you both find a fulfilling compromise.
Good Luck.