When someone in your life asks you for financial assistance, it can be more than a little awkward. Obviously, if they’re important to you can you can afford to help, then sure, but often times there’s a request that goes above what most would feel comfortable doing.
Redditor HomicidalOtter is refusing to assist his maid. Though she claims to need funds for her son’s education, the original poster (OP) doesn’t think he should help.
His girlfriend is against him, making OP rethink his position. To figure things out, he decided to ask the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit about what’s going on.
And it’s a situation not many would find themselves in.
“AITA for not showing appreciation to our maid/nanny by paying her son’s school fees?”
If he can afford it, does OP have a responsibility?
“Basically a couple days if not a week ago our maid ‘Ola’ came to me and asked if I could help her out with her debt at her son’s school amounting to quite some change. I told her I couldn’t but was willing to give her some time off to try come up with something if needed and our conversation ended.”
“Yesterday I was speaking to my gf and she told me that she spoke to Ola earlier and she said that she’d been avoiding work lately so that I could realise all the work she does and that she doesn’t even want to see me right now because I don’t value all the sacrifices she’s made for me and my family since she raised me back when she still worked with my parents and moved across the country just to help me.”
“First, she never raised me. She started working for my parents when I was 14 and already self sufficient and second, she didn’t move for me.”
“She moved for an income because my parents didn’t need her anymore and let her go and I offered to give her a job if she couldn’t find one back home. My kids clean up for themselves and so do I.”
“It’s honestly more of a courtesy. I even let her son come over and use the wifi or computer whenever he needs to.”
“My gf agrees with her and thinks I should do it so she know she’s valued since I can more or less afford it.”
“Yes I may be a bit moneyed but I’m not wealthy nor do I want to start a habit I can’t/don’t want to maintain. AITA?”
OP updated with a little more context.
“Edit: she’s asking for almost $6000. I forgot to include that.”
“Also forgot to include that she was requesting this as a loan”
OP thinks his regular payment for Ola’s services is plenty. He didn’t demand she work for him, but offered the job as a courtesy.
But is it really enough?
On Reddit, the users of the board judged OP for refusing to give his maid a loan by including one of the following in their response:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You’re the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
The board quickly determined that OP was not wrong. They felt his relationship with his maid was already one sided and he didn’t need to give more.
On top of all this, the maid refusing to work as some kind of proof of what she does for the family isn’t really working. OP and his family can pick up after themselves.
OP was judged to be NTA.
“Lol, forking out 6k is now how you show appreciation? Wild. NTA.”
“If you can help her without it denting your wallet too much though you should, but I also totally understand why you wouldn’t. Imagine entering someone’s life 4 years before they’re legal adults and going around telling people you raised them” – Frozen_Hipp0
“NTA, you’re her boss, yes there’s history but that doesn’t mean you owe her 6k. Besides from the sounds of it you gave her a job out of loyalty not because you need the position filled.”
“I don’t understand how a 6k payment on top is even expected. 🤷🏻♀️” – Confused_Squish
“NTA..I’m assuming your paying her to work for you correct? I can’t imagine going to my employer and asking them to gift me 6k.”
“AND then having an attitude about it when they say no. My bet is she’ll come back for more if you cave this time.” – tractorchick
“NTA. Time to let her go. Setting aside her even asking, she’s now going around talking about you and saying she’s shirking her job to prove a point.”
“I would not trust her. I would also be worried she won’t feel like she owes you that much effort for her paycheck going fwd. Besides the fact she proved you don’t need her.” – Dry-Clock-1470
“Wait, so she doesn’t do any work to show how much she does around the house? So she has decided to stop doing her job, and is now asking for 6000 anyways?”
“She isn’t doing the job she was hired for. She is vastly overestimating the relationship you have with her.”
“Giving her 6000 and having her son over means that she is less being paid for work and more becoming another one of your dependents.”
“You’ve been very accommodating of her regarding her son and her entire job, so I don’t see why you owe her anything. Your gf is being unreasonable and doesn’t get how much you give to your maid.”
“She’s being delusional bro. Dont tolerate that crap” – jaffacake3576
There was a lot of discussion around how OP treats Ola. The pay he provides is technically more than others might get, but it’s really not that much in the grand scheme of things.
Still, commenters wanted to compare her wage to similar in the area.
“INFO. Under what circumstances is she employed? Do you pay her a living wage? Is her wage in line with the wages for other people in the same role in your area?”
“Cuturally, what expectations surround domestic servants in your culture, particularly in terms of the employer’s obligation?” – ForgottenTroll
“We pay her a living wage that is, depending on the family but, generally greater than that of other people in the same role.”
“I don’t quite understand the question on expectations.” – HomicidalOtter (OP)
“NTA. The lines between Ola as valued employee and member of the family may have gotten blurred, but you can un-blur them by being clear that while what she’s asking isn’t in your budget even with whatever raise and/or bonus seems appropriately sustainable to you, you are willing to do what you can to help her in her search for a higher-paying position and provide a glowing reference if that’s what she needs.”
“That, or give her whatever you’re comfortable giving as a gift as thanks for her years of service, but be clear that’s all there is and and this is very much a one-time gesture that you would not in fact be willing to make for many people, family or otherwise.”
“Don’t set a precedent where you’ll be guilt-tripped any time she’s decided she’s earned a raise or that you should be covering some specific luxury for her.” – mm172
“Except she’s basically on strike right now trying to guilt him into doing just that. If he gives her that ‘gift’ now, that has already set a precedent.”
“The next time she gets herself into debt at her son’s school by not paying what sounds like several years worth of school fees, she can just stop working until he gives in and pays it because that’s what happened the last time. And now she’s got his girlfriend going to bat for her.”
“He offered her employment when his parents let her go. He did not have to do that. He pays her a salary; if she can’t manage her money well enough to pay her child’s school fees, that’s not on him.”
“What OP really needs to do is to sit down with her and tell her that he appreciates everything she has done for his family and that is why he offered to employ her when his parents let her go. If she is unhappy with the salary she is making with his family, she is more than welcome to seek higher paying employment elsewhere and he will give her a glowing recommendation.”
“But he will not let her extort money out of him.” – miss_dasey
“I am from a culture where you help you maid’s kids. She is not entitled to it and you do not have to do it but if you can afford it you should help.”
“You are investing in a kids education”
“Again you are not obligated but it is a nice thing to do” – Affectionate-Fee-437
Maybe OP should do some research and see if he could be paying Ola more. A living wage can mean more than just more money, it’s peace of mind.
But in the end OP is under no obligation to provide extra money to Ola.