Everything about a wedding, including the showers and parties leading up, feels so meticulously planned that even one thing going wrong can really cause someone to have a bit of a meltdown, understandably.
But usually those meltdowns last a few seconds. They don't turn into grudges.
But Redditor PocketCollection can't settle with a bit of an issue from the past, after the Maid Of Honor at a wedding she went to was absolutely livid that she was wearing the incorrect color to the wedding of which they were both a part of.
Unsure if she bore some responsibility, our friend went to the popular subReddit "Am I The A**hole?" or "AITA"Â to get objective feedback from strangers:
"AITA for wearing the wrong colour to a bridal shower and bachelorette?"
Our original poster, or OP, recounted the event eating at her.
"This happened a while ago but its been bugging me. A childhood friend of mine was getting married. She is my best friend in the whole worlds little sister."
"We grew up together. Our parents grew up together. That kind of close. So for the kitchen tea and bachelorette I was super super excited."
"Context: I suffer from PTSD and some of the medication I was placed on was pro weight gain added to my diabetes and boom I was gaining weight like there was no tomorrow."
"I have lost the weight now and have well controlled sugar levels. Also because of my weight I was very self conscious and owned very little colorful clothing most of it was black."
A dress request sadly became context for some insecurity.
"Okay onto the situation: We were all given the instruction to wear white to the kitchen tea and later the bachelorette."
"I was planning to wear the only white thing in my closet: a sun dress. It fit me fine a month before when I tried it on."
"So on the day of the bachelorette I pulled out my white dress and it would not fit. Like would rip if i forced it not fit. I started to cry. I had a two hour drive ahead of me and it was 2 and a half hours before. There was no time to shop."
"I wanted to pull out of the whole event. I am so self conscious and hate to be the center of attention so the thought of being the only person in the room in a different color was giving me extreme anxiety."
"My husband said to me that it wasn't about me but my friend and that she would be hurt if I didn't arrive last minute."
OP got there, only to find the bride and also her best friend seemed absolutely fine with it, but one person was out of line.
"So I put on the smartest shirt I owned which was mostly black and swallowed my fear and went. My best friend was like oops did I forget to tell you to wear white and I said I had a wardrobe malfunction."
"I was happy to stand in the back of photos so my clothing didn't show or be out of frame completely."
"I bought the bride numerous drinks through the night and she didn't seem upset. But the maid of honor was livid."
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Redditors thought OP certainly did her best.
"NTA. As you said, you and the bride are close, and if she's aware of the situation and your current struggles, she should be understanding."
"It's not the maid of honor's wedding, therefore she has no place to be upset with you. You swallowed your fear and went to the wedding and I'm proud of you for pulling through."-mycat_atecat
"NTA. But also take it as a learning opportunity if you can. I've had the same issue before with fluctuating weight, but also surprise stains or other snafus that required last minute changes in plans with what you are wearing."
"If there is something you are planning on wearing and it cannot be changed, then check it at minimum the night before to be sure that it is in good shape to wear and so you can get a game plan if it is not."-anglerfishtacos
"NTA but I don't understand why you didn't check the dress at least the day before if it's ok."
"In the future if you are going somewhere and have to dress certain way always check the thing you want to wear. It's not even that you might not fit but it might have a hole or just needed a refreshing wash."-SpaceAlienCowGirl
Most people were confused why the Maid Of Honor made it her business so intensely:
"Definitely NTA. It's no one's business and if the bride didn't mind, you shouldn't care about the rest. Who tf is the maid of honour to have an opinion anyway?!"
"Stupid, meaningless titles. You're fine, don't worry, you did nothing wrong."
"In fact, you decided to go even though you were panicking just because you realised that it was not about you but your best friend. Well done, that was brave."-sorryidontknowyet
"NTA. The MOH can be livid all she likes, the fact is the bride was happy you were there and didn't care what you were wearing."
"You're a person not a prop for a photo. Wanting everyone to look cohesive for photos is nice but its not worth having someone not attend just because they don't have something which is the right colour."-janewilson90
"NTA. It's sad to think there are people out there who would get livid over something like this."
"You went despite feeling stressed and afraid, because you care about your friend and didn't want to hurt her by not showing up- that matters so much more than whether or not you wore a particular colour, surely?"-dyinginsect
While others yet reassured OP that they'd been in similar situations but had nothing to be ashamed for:
"NTA. A similar thing happened to me (but without the livid reaction) and it's hard enough feeling like cr*p and trying to be cheerful for someone else's sake."
"I can't imagine having someone glaring at me furiously! And she wasn't even the bride! You are so NOT the a**hole and your explanation was totally valid, so it's not like you did it on purpose."
"MOH was clearly trying to make the bachelorette party about her efforts rather than the bride."-ChildofNarcissist82
"NTA. I think the only things you could have done differently are to have tried on the dress the night before, and to also text the bride/MOH that you were coming in a different color and were sorry, and of course happy to step out for pictures."
"This is minor stuff though, because regardless of weight, you could have spilled something or ripped the dress and the same thing could have happened."
"The bride didn't care, and that's what matters, and your husband is right- she wanted you there, not for you to just match the theme."-mfruitfly
"NTA. You didn't do it on purpose and offered to make sure it didn't show in the photos - in fact you put yourself through stress to show up for your friend anyway."
"The maid of honour probably just wants everything to be perfect for the bride, but really she has no business being rude to one of the bride's guests about something the bride doesn't mind."-Cyborg_Ninja_Cat
OP made the best of a bad situation.
The Maid Of Honor doesn't have to like it for it to be valid.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and IÂ got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.'Â And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.