Not every parent has the time to make several different meals for several people every night.
This can lead to a lot of stress and chaos.
It’s especially problematic when parents aren’t on the same page.
A deleted Redditor wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
“AITA For telling my husband not to make extra food for our kids anymore?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“Me (40 F[emale]) and my husband (40 M[ale]) have three kids 9F, 8M, and 6F.”
“Whenever I cook, the kids may or may not like it.”
“If they don’t like it, that’s fine.”
“They can go eat some fruit or something because I’m done.”
“If they don’t want fruit or something, they’re not hungry 🤷.”
“When my husband cooks, if any of them don’t like it (usually just the youngest one, in both my case and his case) he’ll make a whole other quick meal for her.”
“That’s fine for him, but it becomes an issue for me when I refuse to make something else besides what I cooked and they say ‘But Dad does…’ and my husband will come in and cook the complaining person something.”
“I asked him yesterday if he could stop that because I don’t want them thinking they can ask him if I say no.”
“He said, ‘It’s food,’ and kind of brushed me off.”
“That started an argument we kind of decided we’d just postpone until today.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA for wanting him to do this?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“’But dad does…’”
“Then go ask Dad. :)”
“You can’t control what your husband does.”
“If he chooses to do this then he can do it ALL THE TIME.”
“You, however, are not obligated.”
“Just because they want to breach your boundaries doesn’t mean you let them.”
“NTA for wanting him to stop but you might be if you force the issue.” ~ IamIrene
“I also agree here.”
“Not all parents have the same picky eater policy.”
“It truly does not work for all kids.”
“I have a sibling who was nearly hospitalized because they would rather starve than eat something they did not like.”
“My parents tried EVERYTHING not to bend, but in the end, it was more important that my sibling eat.”
“Neither policy, EAT WHAT YOU’RE GIVEN, or DON’T CAUSE ANXIETY OVER FORCING FOOD, is wrong.”
“Most parents stand strongly in one camp or the other.”
“If they don’t agree, a compromise is essential.”
“For the record, I am not 100% sure the spouse was dismissive either.”
“For the sibling who wouldn’t eat, their response as an adult would have been similar.”
“I am feeding the kids; what’s the fuss?”
“If their spouse brought out the EAT WHAT YOUR GIVEN belief system, that sibling would be shocked.”
“Because that sibling believes that no modern parent would be that insane.”
“Clearly, my sibling leans very heavily in the NO FOOD ANXIETY camp.”
“NTA for now, but need to come up with a compromise fast.”
“Maybe, a simple healthy (but slightly boring) menu that is available in the picky situation.”
“I don’t think you are going to get him to agree to not feed them if they are hungry and won’t eat (my sibling would die on this hill).” ~ At_Random_600
“NAH. I see where he’s coming from, though.”
“He may never want to say no about food to his kids.”
“Whatever the reasons are, it’s pretty visceral to have that need.”
“Maybe he grew up with more food insecurity than you did.”
“You should talk it out.” ~ KetoLurkerHereAgain
“Yeah, I think people are missing the undermining here, even if it isn’t intentional on the husband’s part.”
“It’s teaching the kids that if mom says no they can just ask dad and he’ll probably say yes.”
“Parents need to take a unified front, or else one parent becomes the ‘mean’ parent who says no and has restrictions while the other is ‘fun’ because they always accommodate.”
“My parents were both toxic as f**k and in a bad marriage and even with all that if my mom said no to something and I went to my dad, he’d go ‘What did your mom say?’ NTA.” ~ ayoitsjo
“If kids don’t want the meal cooked for them, cereal or something they can make themselves is the second option.”
“Kids at those ages can make simple foods themselves and they will not starve.”
“There shouldn’t be a separate meal made for them by anyone else.”
“It’s a waste of the original person’s efforts and makes the kids think they can get whatever they want when they want it. Dad doing this also actively makes mom ‘the bad guy’ to the kids.”
“It’s shi**y of him to do, even if the place he’s trying to come from is one of care.”
“OPA- NTA.” ~ mmwhatchasaiyan
“He’s undermining her authority with the kids when he does it, so he is negatively affecting her. He’s also putting her in the position to be the bad guy, which isn’t cool at all.
“I raised 4 kids, and the rule in my house was similar to hers.”
“I always tried to consider their dislikes when I cooked, but if you didn’t want what I made, you could make a sandwich or eat fruit.”
“All 4 of my kids eat basically anything; they take no for an answer gracefully, and they know how to cook.”
“Involving them in the cooking certainly helped them be more invested in the meal, and they learned how much work cooking is and respected my effort.”
“OP and her husband are going to have HUGE issues when the kids get older, and Mom says no.”
“He’s teaching them to go around her and that what she says to them, isn’t the final answer.”
“Not only that, but this is how you raise entitled kids who think complaining will get them what they want.”
“OP, NTA, and I think it’s critical that you and your husband find a way to work this out that allows you to provide a united front for your kids.” ~ thatgirlmelodie
“NAH, but you and your husband need to get on the same page one way or another.”
“It is undermining your parenting style for him to come in and cook something else.”
“But on the flip side, he’s not inherently wrong for wanting to give the children something filling and nutritious they’ll eat.”
“I get not wanting to be a short order cook, and wanting to expand their palates, but I also get wanting to fill their bellies in a healthy way.”
“Communicate with each other, agree on a plan forward!” ~ ActiveSufficient3944
“NAH- He’s not one for doing it, and you’re not one for not doing it.”
“An alternative might be to involve the kids in meal planning and prepping.” ~ ThatHellaHighHobbit
“NTA. The compliant child can fix something for themselves.”
“Fruit. Veggies. PB&J.”
“Cooking them a separate meal encourages pickiness.”
“They can always get Dad to cook something else.”
“Our rule was they had to eat one bite of each food on their plate.”
“If they didn’t like any of it, they didn’t have to eat it.”
“But they had to fix anything else for themselves.”
“At 6 years old, they should be able to make a sandwich. Or cereal.”
“Mine learned to make grilled cheese or scrambled eggs when they didn’t like dinner.” ~ Fickle_Toe1724
“NAH but it can escalate quickly.”
“I understand the frustration with your husband doing things differently than you would – it can be a lot at times.”
“I’m also assuming you don’t cook meals your kids don’t like on purpose, more a matter of random pickiness than anything else, though personally, I would try to include some safe foods for everyone on the table during dinner time.” ~ Putrid-Opening6071
“NAH. But I think it depends on why they don’t want to eat.”
“Are you making food you know they don’t like and expecting them to just suck it up or have fruit?”
“Or are you including at least one food you know they eat, and they’re asking for a whole new meal?”
“I’ve got a really picky eating kid, like, eating disorder, level picky, so I’m definitely a bit sensitive to this kind of conversation.”
“I like that you’re not trying to force them to eat what you’ve put on the plate, that doesn’t help anyone.”
“It is definitely important that you decide something to be consistent between the two parents; the whole ‘but dad says’ thing is frustrating.”
“Maybe you could agree that your meals (from whoever cooked) always include one side that you know they can/will eat, and then the meals don’t get re-made.”
“Or you have one backup meal they can have, like some toast or something. as long as you both know they’re being supplied food they can be reasonably expected to eat, and they feel heard in their objections, then it should settle into a consistent pattern.”
“Does that make sense?” ~ HungryMagpie
“NTA but he may have come from a place where he had to go to bed hungry because people forced him to either eat what was served or starve.”
“Depending on how old the youngest kid is you should make one thing that they eat either as a side or as a protein.” ~ FairyFartDaydreams
“NTA. I’m with the folks who say you and your husband need to hammer this out and be on the same page consistently.”
“I would be pissed off if I were you, but I’m a hothead.”
“If I can offer a suggestion?”
“Your kids are old enough to start helping with dinner.”
“Try to think of very easy meals they can learn.”
“I’m a single mom and my kid started making dinner one night a week when she was around 8.”
“The whole meal was her job, including checking the fridge before I made a shopping list on Saturday to let me know if I needed to buy ingredients.”
“A first I supervised closely, of course.”
“For over a year, her weekly meal was steamed broccoli on boxed mac and cheese.”
“Not my favorite!”
“But she loved it; it made her feel good to be in charge, and I got a night off.”
“Maybe your three could work as a team one night per week.”
“I think it helps them to have an idea that cooking takes effort.” ~ loolilool
“NTA. I started enforcing the rule that no matter who cooked, you had to try one bite of each item and then were free to make your own healthy alternative.”
“When they were little that was typically a peanut butter sandwich and a fruit or veggie.”
“When they were older they were free to cook themselves something.”
“I also explained that Dad was sometimes willing to run a diner for breakfast and make custom meals for everyone which was his choice.”
“I would not do that.”
“They were welcome to what I was making, or could make their own breakfast and either option was totally fine.” ~ pupperoni42
“NTA… you said fruit or something?”
“That seems as if the or something is.”
“They are welcome to make themselves sandwiches or have fruit or cereal.”
“The nutrition policy is freaking out, but no kid ever died from that, and I’m assuming that they eat some of your meals, and this is not an everyday thing.”
“They should be taught self-sufficiency – as you are doing.”
“It’s okay to do the separate meal thing sometimes, but on the whole, fruit and sandwiches are fine.” ~ Foofieness
“NTA! My mom would say, ‘I’m not a short-order cook,’ then tell us to make a sandwich or something.”
“She did make the effort to make something that everyone liked and we were also expected to try something new.”
“We were never forced to eat something we genuinely didn’t like.”
“Your husband should not be catering to their pickiness because that’ll just get worse and set them up for possible eating disorders.”
“Now, if the kid has sensory issues, that’s different and a challenge but ordinary pickiness?”
“Hell, naw.” ~ Love_Bug_54
“NTA, your husband is undermining you and spoiling the children.”
“They wouldn’t complain even if they knew it wouldn’t work- they’d either eat the prepared dinner and understand it just isn’t their favorite, or have the fruit.” ~ caitikitty7
“He is raising entitled humans, who are also gonna have issues in the future for not being able to eat anything.”
“Ugh, I can imagine what a nightmare to travel with someone who doesn’t like trying new foods.”
“He is setting them up for failure in the future.” ~ Otter0131
“NTA, but just to add on to what a lot of commenters are saying- my mom used to have me make my own food if I didn’t want to eat what she made.”
“It was a good strategy because it made us think twice about whether or not we really didn’t want what she made.”
“Maybe try something similar?” ~ Timely-Carpet1533
“NTA. When I was growing up you either ate what was on the table (and we all sat down and ate supper together), or you didn’t eat.”
“It was that simple.”
“I agree with you.” ~ Disenchanted2
Reddit is with you, OP.
Your husband is undermining you.
Hopefully, the two of you can have a calm and rational discussion about how to proceed.
Good luck.