While progress has thankfully been made, there remain a shockingly high number of men all over the world who have antiquated, often sexist, views of women's roles.
Men who are uncomfortable, even unhappy, to find women in positions of power.
The saddest scenarios are couple's, when men feel threatened when their female partners are more successful professionally than they are.
Such was sadly the case for Redditor No_Lingonberry_5061, whose boyfriend was less than thrilled to discover that she made considerably more than he did.
As a result, no doubt in an effort to massage his bruised ego, the OP began turning the original poster (OP)'s career into something of a source of ridicule.
Until the OP finally had enough, and called him out on his behavior.
Inadvertently putting a strain on her relationship.
Wondering if she had gone too far, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for calling my boyfriend an insecure little boy after his repeated jokes that I 'cheated the system' to get to a career that pays more than his?"
The OP explained how her boyfriend simply couldn't believe she earned her current career and salary, feeling the need to constantly make jokes about it until the OP finally had enough.
"Tim and I met in an English literature class our junior year of college, and we've been together the ten years since."
"While he ended up going into IT, I stayed in the liberal arts track and ended up doing non-profit work after college when I realized I didn't actually want to be a schoolteacher."
"Just to say that we always assumed he'd out-earn me by a considerable margin, though when he made more I always insisted we split things evenly to avoid potential resentment down the road."
"I've had sort of a non-linear career path, but ended up switching to the corporate world."
"To make a long story short, my liberal arts degree and time doing non-profit work gave me a lot of skills that enable me to really excel professionally in some more niche areas."
"I recently started a new job as a consultant, making way more than I'd ever anticipated."
"When I got the offer, I told Tim that the pay was 'amazing', but he didn't ask about the actual amount and I didn't want to be braggy about it, especially since I was fairly sure it was above his current income."
"Well we just put in an application for a new place, and in the process of having to submit our paystubs it's become obvious that I make roughly 30% more than he does now."
"I expected him to think that was cool, since he's a feminist and has always been super supportive of my career."
"But instead he's started to make increasingly harsh jabs about how I 'cheated the system' to get where I am, that no English lit major makes more than a cyber security professional without cheating somehow."
"His major point is that I got my first job out of nepotism, which set me up to 'trample' more qualified people who didn't have the same advantages."
"It's true that I got my first post-college job after being referred by a sorority sister, but it was for non-profit work making 22k/yr, not exactly at somebody's daddy's firm."
"He also points out that at my first corporate job, I snagged a big promotion after volunteering to take on starting up the company's diversity/equity/inclusion program, and I'll admit that were I a white man, it's highly unlikely I would have been able to be the face of the eventually high-profile diversity program."
"Tim also notes that I was awarded a small college scholarship for being a 'promising female writer', when no such scholarship existed for males."
"But all that said, I still don't feel like I cheated the system, and it makes me angry to listen to him 'joke' about it, especially since I grew up blue collar and worked full time while going to school full time to afford my degree."
"I reached a breaking point yesterday when he made a crack about how the new/first woman on his team is an obvious diversity hire."
"I told him that his jokes about women cheating the system to get ahead aren't funny or 'guy-talk ribbing' as he says, they make him sound like an insecure little boy."
"He told me I was being a naïve Karen and we haven't really talked since yesterday."
'Did I go too far?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situations by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The Reddit community agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for clapping back at her husband's constant jabs.
Everyone agreed that the remarks of the OP's husband were jealous and misogynistic, with many also questioning how healthy the OP's relationship was.
"You don't sound like you cheated the system whatsoever, and used your skills to get a job you were qualified for, so with that being said, INFO: "
"Why are you dating someone who has zero respect for you?"- CebollasSaltado
"NTA."
"He's a feminist until a woman earns more than him, then suddenly it's all cheating."
"If he cannot be happy for you I am not sure where your relationship is going."- heart_over_board
"NTA."
"But y'all have some serious problems."
"I can't imagine being with someone for 10 years and not telling them how much money I make."
"Even if you split your finances and have separate accounts it's important to know how much money you're bringing in."
"It sounds to me like you guys have a real problem with communication that needs to be fixed if you intend to stay with him."
"I wouldn't, but that's just me.'
"I can't imagine my husband being jealous and accusatory if I made more than him."
"He'd be happy for me and for us."-porcelain_owl
"NTA."
"But you've just found out how little your boyfriend respects you, so that's good to know, I suppose."
"By the way, he IS acting like an insecure little boy."- tangerine-trees-
"NTA."
"All the NTAs in the world."
"I think what you're seeing is that he may have been a feminist in theory, but it hit home differently when you started out-earning him."
"You worked hard to get where you were and made the most of your opportunities, volunteering to set up a diversity program?"
"That shows initiative and I'm guessing you did it pretty well to get hired."
"Same goes for just about everything else."
"Run fast."
"Even if they're just 'jokes', those things always have a grain of truth."- SpellExisting
"NTA."
"He does sound like an insecure little boy."
"Those aren't harmless things he's saying."
"He clearly has some sort of disdain for professional women, or at least women who are doing better than him career wise."
"It's disrespectful and pretty gross."- lihzee
"I guess your SO is only a feminist when the women he is dealing with make less money and 'know their place'."
"Dump him cuz his attitude means eventually he will expect you to pop out kids, work and take care of THE MAN."
"NTA."- aquasaurex
"NTA."
"You did it literally didn't go far enough and by that I mean you haven't packed your bags yet."
"This type of crappy, put you down at all costs attitude is going to continue forever."
"This shows some real personality flaws of him and to call you a 'Karen' for gently pointing out what he has been hammering over your head is very problematic."
"Him using words like nepotism, frankly inappropriately, but he feels the need to use it and words like trampling over other people, and talking about getting a female writer scholarship."
"Just way too much of the same themes here, and that is that he's a sore loser, and an unsupportive and unappreciative jerk."- dart1126
"NTA."
"Your boyfriend is not a feminist."
"He is okay with posing as a feminist when it suits him and benefits him, but he has thoroughly outed himself at this point."
"His wording, his taunts, and his accusations are about as far from feminism as you can get."
"And you should get as far from him as you can as well."- HowardProject
"You didn't go too far but he did."
"NTA."
"PS. He is not a feminist."- Usual-Archer-916
"NTA."
"Sounds like he's downplaying your success and well earned accomplishments because he's jealous and insecure."
"You earned that scholarship."
"You earned your reputation as a great asset."
"You didn't just sit on your ass when given an opportunity, you spin gold with it."
"Does this guy even deserve you if he so blatantly shows he doesn't respect you?"- _always_sunny_
It's hard to say what is more upsetting.
That the OP's boyfriend couldn't even show the slightest amount of pride in all her accomplishments.
Or that in his eyes, the only way she could have achieved any of her accomplishments was through favors and dishonesty.
Leaving one to wonder if this relationship really stands a chance at having any kind of a future.
Woman Breaks Up With Boyfriend Who Worried People Would Think She Was Trans For Using Stand-To-Pee Device
Content Warning: Transphobia, Transphobic Comments
There are countless different reasons that a relationship might end, and a red flag could arise at any time. Some of these might have been learned in childhood and could improve over time.
Transphobia is absolutely a red flag that should be acted on immediately; however, with no option to fly again, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor funnelfuss was in the car with her boyfriend when they got stuck in a traffic jam.
She really needed to use the restroom, so since she had a device with her to make the process easier, she decided she'd step out of the car.
But when her boyfriend panicked and thought people might mistake her for a man, the Original Poster (OP) realized that her boyfriend was not who she thought he was.
She asked the sub:
The OP had to use the restroom while stuck in a traffic jam.
"My (26 Female) boyfriend (25 Male) and IÂ got stuck in an insane traffic jam. My boyfriend was driving."
"We were at a standstill. Found out later on, they had closed the highway."
"I had to pee really bad, like bad bad bad. I saw that a couple guys had run to the side of the road to pee, and I decided to do the same."
"It was super open, with a few bushes by the side of the road, really not much cover."
The OP's boyfriend became uncomfortable when he realized she had a pee-to-stand device.
"I have a stand-to-pee device in my car, but when I grabbed it, my boyfriend got all weird."
"He said people would see me pee standing up and think I was Trans."
"I said no one would think that, plenty of women have pee funnels, and that also I didn't care. I have no beef with Trans people!"
"He said I should squat, just to put his mind at ease."
"I said I didn't want to get my butt and c**ch out on the highway in front of everyone, or get pee on my shoes, and I just wanted to be quick and clean."
"He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans and that I should squat, like GIRLS do."
The OP decided she was over it.
"I was dying by this point. I couldn't hold it anymore, and I really didn't want to show the world my butt, so I ran to the side of the road and slipped the device into my jeans and just peed standing up with my back to traffic."
"No one could see anything; it just slides through the zipper. But I guess maybe if someone was looking, they would be confused? But also, who's LOOKING?!"
"When I got back to the car, my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me. He says I disrespected his feelings. But it was 100% an emergency, and I don't get what his problem was."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that there was nothing wrong with using the restroom how she wanted.
"OP, don't think for one more second about this. Your boyfriend is being ridiculous."
"As if you will ever see any of those people again! Plus, holding it in for too long can cause a whole host of issues."
"It's actually genius that you have something like that in your car, just in case. I'm going to order one too now! NTA." - m_alice88
"'Honey, please show all these strangers your c**ch and a** so they know I'm not gay, mmmm'kay?'"
"A weak man, a very weak man." - lefteyedcrow
"You must have a she-wee! Those are so great for women."
"Tell your boyfriend to get over himself. You had to pee. He does not understand that squatting can suck and leave you exposed."
"If he is that upset you did this, rethink this relationship. I would find it hysterical."
"NTA." - Oktodayithink
"NTA, OP. You just needed a makeshift restroom."
"Your boyfriend apparently thought that it was normal for people to stare at strangers who are trying to pee to evaluate who they are, who they're with, and what the status of their relationship is."
"You know, to pass the time while in gridlock traffic." - Pixichixi
"You did nothing wrong, OP! When you have to go, you have to go. It's healthier to go."
"And don't apologize! We're so wired to reduce conflict, even to the point of downplaying how we feel to keep the peace or end the silence. Don't do it."
"It's a him issue. He thinks his feelings on this are more important than your discomfort about showing your naked body on the side of the road. If he can't figure that out for himself and apologize, it would be a dealbreaker for me." - lelawes
Others agreed and pointed out that the ex-boyfriend was very transphobic.
"NTA. Your boyfriend is clearly transphobic. That is 100% on him. And who cares if people think you are Trans?"
"'He said he didn't want people to look at the girl he was dating and think she was Trans.'Â And you don't want people to think you're dating someone bigoted and hateful." - GreekAmericanDom
"He may not consider himself transphobic ('I don't hate Trans people! I just don't want to be associated with them or have anyone think I'm with a Trans person!'), but he absolutely is, probably with a healthy side helping of homophobia."
"Why would he care, unless a) Trans women are not women in his eyes, or b) it somehow would be emasculating or embarrassing to his ego to be with a Trans woman."
"Also, you're in a traffic jam. Who the f**k is even watching close enough to care, and who of those people matters enough to give two s**ts about what they think."
"Not to mention, he's being weirdly controlling about your behaviors and how they reflect on him in a scenario where arguably he's never going to interact with a single person he's worrying about." - maladicta228
"This post reminds me of the time I got dressed to go to a function. It was a casual gathering. My kid (this was solidly on their father, my ex, as he's gotten insanely bigoted as he's aged) said, 'Mom, you're dressed like a Lesbian.'"
"Me: 'Lesbians have great fashion sense, I'd love to be mistaken for one.'"
"They paused for a second and realized that I truly wasn't dressing for men (despite it being my husband's work function), and that being seen as a lesbian was a good thing. I'm so glad I raised them to think for themselves, and realize that one can be wrong, admit it, and work on being a better person every day. They've never said anything like that since." - baconbitsy
"He's so insecure (and transphobic) that he cares more about what some strangers in a traffic jam might wrongly assume about you (and thereby him) than YOUR needs, comfort, and health."
"He expected you to prioritize his insecurities (feelings) above that and then punished you when you prioritized your health."
"You sure you want to be with someone like that?? NTA." - molotovmerkin
"Your boyfriend is so transphobic that he wants you to expose your genitalia on the side of the road to prove that you're not a Trans woman because he can't stand the idea of a total stranger, in a neighboring car, whom he will never speak to or see ever again, thinking he MIGHT be SHARING A CAR (because the strangers in other cars have no idea that you're dating) with a Trans woman."
"You're NTA, but get a better boyfriend." - HighCsummer
"Literally, you have to be super transphobic to think people in traffic are gonna judge you if your girlfriend is standing to pee. Like come onnnnnn, this is some insane insecurity." - Responsible-Pickle-2
Some pointed out that not only was the ex-boyfriend transphobic, but also controlling.
"This won't be the last time he expects OP to sacrifice things or make her life worse so that she can conform to his ideal of feminine stereotypes and keep up appearances for his fragile masculine ego."
"And that he gave her the silent treatment for not obliging his transphobia and misogyny disguised as 'feelings' is also problematic." - blancamystiere
"He's insecure and transphobic. He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort."
"NTA, and honestly, you can do better than this specimen." - PetersMapProject
"NTA. Your boyfriend would have preferred for everyone to see your a** and vagina than have a random stranger think his girlfriend is Trans. He would rather you expose yourself for his personal gain."
"Get a better boyfriend." - Amaze-balls-trippen
"The transphobia? The insecurity? And the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way?"
"So many red flags!" - CarolynDesign
"He also puts his insecurity and transphobia above your comfort and safety."
"He would rather you invite unwanted attention and risk by exposing your private parts to the world than have people think he (who most of the onlookers couldn't even see) might be dating a Trans person."
"NTA. OP, he's too insecure, self-centered, and immature to be a good partner to you, given that he's willing to compromise your safety to avoid a single twinge of discomfort. Dump him." - Hari_om_tat_sat
After receiving feedback, the OP was reassured and shared some positive updates.
"UPDATE: Thank you, everyone, for helping me feel sane again!"
"I got quite a few questions about which device I use, and honestly, it's about what fits you best. There are a ton of options. It's what fits you. Check out pStyle, Freshette, and EllaPee."
"I tried peeing standing up in a toilet, and it worked fine. I think my aim was pretty good, but then I saw little droplets on the floor. No thanks, don't need that. Also, it's loud? Awkward."
"But for the outside, it's pretty fun! I drive a lot, that's why it was in my car. Lifesaver."
"Also, I guess in this case it brought out an ugly side of my (ex) boyfriend and clarified some stuff for me. A winner all around."
"And to all the commenters asking, YES, he is an ex-boyfriend now."
"And yes, there were other red flags."
"Ditched the man, kept the pee funnel. Gonna laugh at him every time I pee standing up."
There's no way to imagine just how awkward the rest of the car ride was after using the restroom and returning to the now-silent and very entitled boyfriend, still stuck in a traffic jam.
But fortunately for the OP, she learned something vital about her relationship during a moment that should have been a total non-issue.
By being concerned about this and expecting the OP to prioritize her ex's pride over her comfort, safety, and cleanliness, her ex told her everything she needed to know.