It’s never an easy decision to cut a family member out of your life.
But sometimes, doing so is the only way to even begin the steps it will take to reach forgiveness.
All it might take is a little distance for both parties to fully comprehend how they mistreated their family, or how they were mistreated by their family.
Hard as it may seem, sometimes after some pause and reflection, it becomes abundantly clear that the best solution for everyone is to keep communication to a minimum, if not cut it off completely.
The pregnant wife of Redditor BecomingAQuartet came to the sad realization that it was probably best if her father stopped being part of her life.
Particularly after the way she witnessed his behavior around the original poster (OP)’s son.
As a result, when the OP’s wife told him that she was in contact with him and wanted him to be a part of their soon-to-be son’s life, he made no effort to hide his displeasure at the matter.
Worried he may have gone too far, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for making my pregnant wife cry by calling her less of a person?”
The OP explained why he did not mince his words at the idea of his father-in-law becoming part of his and his family’s life again.
“This all boils down to my wife’s father.”
“I have a six year old son that started living with me as his primary guardian when he was three and his mom went back to school.”
“I met my wife through work, and I also met her father, who worked at the same company in a higher role than both of us.”
“My wife knew I had a son, but I said I wouldn’t introduce them unless we became a serious couple, because that wouldn’t be fair to him.”
“When my wife did meet my son, they got along really well. I invited her and her father over for dinner one night, and her father met my son for the first time.”
“He was weird and awkward around my son and made strange comments about his appearance (his mom is Black).”
“I confronted him after the dinner, and he made some pretty pathetic excuses.”
“After that I asked him not to contact me outside of work matters and asked her for space.”
“A couple weeks later, my wife told me she had completely cut her father off for his beliefs.”
“Our relationship became stronger than ever.”
“When we got engaged, she said she didn’t want her father at the wedding.”
“We ended up both transferring to other companies.”
“As far as I knew, he was gone from both of our lives for good.”
“My wife is pregnant and due in a month.”
“She has already started maternity leave and has been looking for a new job to start after maternity leave because she doesn’t want to stay at her current company.”
“Yesterday she sat me down and told me her dad got her an interview for a job at our old company.”
“She also told me she has been talking to him for a couple months and wants to know how I would feel about him knowing our future child.”
“I told her the truth.”
“I told her I felt betrayed and I felt like she betrayed my son, who she claimed to think of as her son as well.”
“I told her that she would even ask me that makes her less of a person in my eyes.”
“She started crying and asked me what kind of insensitive jerk would call the woman pregnant with his kid less of a person.”
“I told her that was how I felt, and although the language was harsh, I felt it matched what she was asking for.”
“After cooling off, I’m now unsure if my word choice was warranted and wondering if I was an a**hole for speaking to her that way while she is pregnant and more emotionally vulnerable.”
“I could have just said I wasn’t okay with what she was proposing without insulting her character.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The Reddit community agreed that the OP was justified in being angry with his wife for reconnecting with her father.
Everyone concurred that the behavior of the OP’s father-in-law more than justified their cutting him out of their life, and the OP’s wife should have understood this, with many even going so far as to say the OP should seriously question whether he should stay in this marriage.
“Being pregnant does not give you a pass on being an a**hole.”
“She would be ok with her child having a relationship with her racist father.”
“Regardless of the impact on his brother.”
“And she resumed that relationship behind your back.”
“NTA.”- Dogmother123
“NTA.”
“This is a hill to die on.”- mmmkachow
“You went into your marriage and procreating believing your wife was on the same page with you regarding racism.”
“She has now done a 180 on you and is changing the terms of the marriage without discussing it first.”
“That’s fraudulent behavior and reflects a lack of character on her part.”
“Were your word choices harsh?”
“Perhaps.”
“Read her my paragraph, and I guarantee she’d still feel hurt and angry for being told she lacks character.”
“You got straight to the point, and she didn’t like it.”
“Too bad.”
“You just countered her lack of communication and honesty with brutally direct and honest communication.”
“It doesn’t change the fact that she married you and got pregnant with your child under false pretenses.”
“She pretended to take a stand against racism, and when she got what she wanted, the mask came down.”
“You have some tough choices to make.”
“NTA.”- CPSue
“As someone who’s been through this, my mother cut off her father because I’m black and gay, and he couldn’t take it.”
“She wouldn’t let me go near him for years.”
“My wife cut off her sister because she’s racist.”
“Someone she grew up with, someone she loves.”
“Because she’s racist.”
“Is it hard?”
“Of course.”
“But there is no point in time where it is someone else’s job to placate a racist.”
“If she wants to have a relationship with her dad, then fine, but SHE KNEW before getting back together with OP that her father being around was the dealbreaker, and she swore she cut him off for good.”
“She’s now backed out of that because she feels like she needs him around, and while that’s fine for her, she can’t expect OP to be okay with it at all.”
“And btw everyone, people can lose custody because they raise their kids as bigots.”
“Especially when they HAVE to be around POC.”
“So in a few years, when your kid is walking and talking, the moment you hear a slur come out of your kid’s mouth, take it to court and make sure she can’t bring him around that kind of influence ever.”- Angry-pothead
“Harsh?”
“Sure.”
“But a grown man being openly racist toward a child is not even close to what OP said.”
“I can’t fault OP for his disappointment in his wife.”- vmt7
“NTA.”
“Pregnancy does not give anyone a free pass to be deceitful or dishonest.”- Equal_Audience_3415
“NTA.”
“I was expecting to be calling you an a**hole from the title, but your FIL is racist AF.”
“Racism is non-negotiable.”
“Your wife is willing to tolerate it because while she gets it ‘in theory’ she doesn’t really.”
“I look 100% white but I am not, my oldest daughter does not look white and she is not my husband’s biological child.”
“If my in-laws had treated her any different than any other child in the family, they would be gone and I would be out so fast if my husband thought that relationship was more important than a child.”
“If your FIL came to you both and said he has done the work and realized he was wrong.”
“And shown that he meant it, that would be a completely different conversation, and you’d be the a**hole but that isn’t what happened. Your wife is willing to tolerate a racist.”- Specific_Culture_591
“NTA.”
“Cue the incoming favoritism for the ‘real’ grandchild, the one who ‘looks like us,’ and how crappy it will then be for his/her half-sibling.”
“‘Why does Grandpa love Billy more than me?'”
“Hell, my husband cut off his father when he said that my husband’s adopted child wasn’t really his grandchild by way of explaining why that little girl wasn’t getting the hugs the other two kids had just gotten.”
“Kicked him out of the house.”
“Never. Spoke. To. Him. Again.”
“And that was without the racist BS that ramps up the OP’s situation 1000%.”
“OP has some serious conversations ahead of him with his wife about how these siblings will be reared.”
“I get being pregnant. I get nesting and family feelings and stuff.”
“I totally get it.”
“But there’s no good that can come from bringing racist grandpa around.”
“She needs to be a real parent to her child-to-come AND that child’s brother.”
“Parenting while pregnant is a thing.”
“Step-son is still ‘son.'”
“Act like it.”- sopranomom
The idea of cutting ties with your father is an almost unfathomable idea for some.
But when your father makes it clear that they can’t love your stepson simply for who he is, the decision seems fairly clear.
Even if knowing that doesn’t make it any easier.