No two people have the same relationship with alcohol.
Most people know their limits and are able to put a stop to drinking when they know they’ve gone too far.
Others are less savvy and just keep the drinks coming, even if they know they’ve had one too many.
Then there are those who’ve had bad experiences in the past and won’t go near the stuff under any circumstances.
Redditor throwawayhfhda was surprised to discover that their fiancé wanted their wedding to be alcohol-free.
Something the original poster (OP) wasn’t interested in in the slightest, fearing their wedding wouldn’t be fun for their side of the family without alcohol.
As a result, the OP took matters into their own hands, much to their fiancé’s dismay.
Wondering if they were being insensitive, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for not giving my fiancée a ‘say’?”
The OP explained how whether or not to serve alcohol at their wedding proved to be a very contentious issue with their fiancé.
“My fiancée doesn’t drink, and he never really gave me a reason why.”
“He just said he doesn’t really see the purpose in alcohol or other substances and stuff.”
“But it has never been an issue.”
“He has never judged me for drinking, and he is the type of person who can have fun sober.”
“Our wedding planner came to our apartment today to ask for details for our wedding, and my husband told me and her for the first time that he doesn’t want alcohol at the wedding.”
“This came as a shock to me, but I just told the wedding planner to hold off on that so me and my husband could discuss and plan other things.”
“This was just the first meeting with the planner, and we are planning a winter wedding.”
“When the planner left. I asked my husband why he doesn’t want alcohol there, and he said there was no reason; I said if there’s no reason, then we’re going to have alcohol there.”
“Then he told me his mom is an alcoholic, but she has been nine years sober.”
“I asked if his mom asked him not to order alcohol, and he said no, but he doesn’t want her to feel triggered.”
“I have noticed that his mom doesn’t drink, but I thought it was a family thing.”
“I have attended multiple family functions, most of which had alcohol present, and I have never seen her take a sip.”
“I think that just speaks to her self-control.”
“I told my husband that I don’t think his reasoning is valid and brought up how he is going out of his way to do this when his mom didn’t ask him to and that she has amazing self-control.”
“He got upset and said I was not giving him any say in our wedding and that if I couldn’t even listen to him about this, then I should just plan the wedding by myself and have fun going to the wedding planner by myself.”
“I feel like he is only thinking about himself; my family is big on drinking, and they are obviously going to want to celebrate me.”
“Plus, we want a really fun reception, and I’m not sure if we can achieve that without alcohol.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by. declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community was fairly divided on where they believed the OP fell in demanding alcohol be present at their wedding.
Many felt that the OP had the right to be frustrated by the idea of a dry wedding, but felt both the OP and their fiancé could reach a compromise rather than demanding one or the other.
“Husband might well be an ex-alcoholic.”
“If you two can’t talk your way through this one, you really shouldn’t be getting married.”- Hour-Performance-951
“When you said he doesn’t drink, I was curious.”
“When he said his mom is a recovering alcoholic, I was pretty sure.”
“He was traumatized by his mother’s behavior when she was drinking.”
“I think that’s why he doesn’t drink – so he never, ever does what she did.”
“It’s pretty common for children of alcoholics.”
“He needs help to heal from this because you, as a layperson, probably can’t help him.”
“You can support him, but he may have a lot of unpacking to do that is best done with a professional.”
“There is also a support group called ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) that could be very helpful to him.”
“That being said, NAH, but you may need to compromise on the reception.”
“You may be able to negotiate for beer & wine, but no hard liquor.”
“But he may not be willing to budge.”
“His mother knows that she is responsible for her own sobriety, but he doesn’t trust her.”
“He may never trust her.”
“You aren’t having a rational disagreement about whether to serve alcohol at your reception.”
“You have a healthy relationship with alcohol.”
“He has a terror of it.”
“You drinking doesn’t really bother him – you aren’t his mom.”
“But it sounds as if he is terrified of the possibility of his mom drinking.”
“That’s a far deeper, existential fear, more akin to a phobia.”
“There’s no rational discussion to be had with a phobia.”
“I strongly suggest ACOA and therapy for him, and possibly couples’ therapy for both of you.”
“I wish you the best of luck.”- MbMinx
“But you two need to rethink your pending marriage if you cannot have this discussion and come to a mutual agreement.”
“Because there is an easy answer to this dilemma (let’s just ask your mother), and he is not even engaging in that process.”
“That is not a good sign.”- ThrowawayForADay0327
“Sounds like he needs help with dealing with his mom’s alcoholism.”
“When a family member, especially a parent, is an alcoholic, everyone needs treatment.”
“Sounds like he didn’t get enough or any help, given his strong reaction.”
“Yeah, I’m the child of an alcoholic, and I used to be afraid of it too.”- Adjmom
“I have no stance on this couple, but expect a dry wedding to be short unless the guests are teetotalers.”
“Not because ‘people can’t spend one measly evening sober.'”
“But because guests not in the inner circle will be subject to long stretches of boredom.”
“Stuck at the venue for hours, among lots of strangers.”
“IOW cut off from the usual ways to amuse yourselves without drinking.”
“Alcohol does help break the ice.”
“I say this as someone who doesn’t GAF for myself, but only upon attending a long, dry wedding with a large guest list did this really hit me – and I was unable to drink at the time either way for medical reasons!”
“I was gonna be dry for a couple of weeks no matter where I was.”
“But all those other stone-cold sober people were stupefyingly dull.”- Aggressive_Idea_6806
Others, however, felt that the OP’s poor communication, or lack thereof, entitled the OP to make the final decisions regarding the wedding.
“It could be an ESH or NAH if he would actually communicate.”
“What the hell is wrong with this sub and its weird puritanical views on alcohol?”
“How do so many of you make the jump from ‘I don’t want a dry wedding/there is normally alcohol at Big family events’ to ‘we are all alcoholics who want to get blind drunk.'”
“Is this a US thing?”
“Alcohol can be a great social lubricant at these sorts of events. It can help with small talk, getting out on the dance floor, and generally being more sociable on general.”- Brodes87
“If y’all are planning a literal wedding together, how did you just find out that he’s a child of an alcoholic?”
“That is a huge part of his life that he’s just now disclosing to his FIANCÉ, in what I’m assuming is years of being in a long-term, committed relationship.”
“I hope he learns to stop keeping himself from you.”- Wonderful_Bread7580
“He sprung that on you with no warning at a meeting with your wedding planner, and ultimately his mom’s sobriety is her responsibility.”
“His response does make me wonder if he’s had his own problematic relationship with alcohol.”- CrystalQueen3000
“This is a large aspect of the wedding to randomly spring on you out of nowhere.”
“The larger issue is why he doesn’t share anything about his life before 17 with you as it will come up (as it apparently is right now).”- Packwood88
“Wanting alcohol at a wedding to loosen people up and have more fun does not make you an alcoholic.”
“Those comments are giving holier-than-thou, pick-me energy.”
“There is nuance to things, which a lot of people seem to be forgetting here.”
“There’s a reason dry wedding receptions end early and often aren’t as fun as people were hoping for.”
“Yes, you can have fun without alcohol, but let’s be realistic here.”
“Drinking culture at weddings is pretty common, and most people expect to be able to have drinks at a wedding.”
“OP isn’t TA (or an alcoholic) just because they want to have a few at their wedding.”
“This is not something he can just spring on you.”
“He should have mentioned this way ahead of time.”
“I get that he has trauma, but he needs to be able to be open with his life partner, especially about important things like that.”
“Drinking culture is huge at weddings and that should have been something he brought up way ahead of time, not late enough in the game that you’ve already hired the wedding planner.”
“Honestly, a good compromise might be a cash bar.”
“There’s a lot less drinking at a wedding when guests have to pay for it.”
“You could also do low-percentage drinks instead, like beers and seltzers.”
“Dry weddings can be great and are totally cool, but they definitely need to be discussed ahead of time.”
“You can’t just spring that on your spouse last minute, especially when they never even knew there was an alcohol issue in the family in the first place because he refused to disclose it.”-SnooChipmunks770
It’s understandable why the OP might be disappointed not to have alcohol at their wedding.
That being said, the concerns of the OP’s fiancé are valid as well.
Hopefully, a compromise can be reached which will please both parties and allow them both to enjoy their wedding without concern.