Even though some people have what are known as “amicable divorces,” ending a marriage is never easy.
Simply because it is more or less admitting that you are no longer in love with your spouse, and you do not want to share the rest of your life with them.
Even so, some former spouses still manage to remain on more than good terms after their marriages end, with some even remaining good friends.
Redditor BabbledRyan and his wife sadly found themselves divorcing after only two years of marriage.
But as the divorce had nothing to do with his wife, she and the original poster (OP) remained close and decided to co-parent their child together.
Things took a turn for the worse, however, when the OP’s ex-wife discovered she had been excluded from a major milestone event of the OP’s, potentially threatening their otherwise amicable relationship.
Wondering if he had made a big mistake, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**Hole” (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for not telling my ex-wife I got married again?”
The OP explained how sending his ex-wife a cute picture of their son ended up causing a rift in their relationship:
“I, 28 M[ale] was married to my ex-wife for two years before we divorced because I realized I was gay.”
“I had been out as bi from age 16, as I knew I liked men but also liked women.”
“However I realized when I was 24 that I didn’t like women.”
“So I told my wife I wanted a divorce but said I was happy to co-parent our one-year-old she agreed.”
“We both lived in London until recently. I moved to Switzerland to live with my now husband, and we got married there.”
“I didn’t invite my ex as she had a new boyfriend who me and our little boy don’t like and I knew he would definitely say something homophobic at the wedding.”
“I have complete custody of our son as he wanted to live with me, and my ex agreed.”
“Now our son was at the wedding and looked so smart, so I sent photos to my ex, and she started messaging me and calling me, telling me I was so rude for not inviting her or even telling her, and she did she wanted our son back with her, I said no and now all her family are messaging me saying I am an a**hole and should’ve told her.”
“Idk if I am or not.”
“The agreement about custody was in court, and she knew at the time I had a fiancé, so I don’t know what she was expecting to happen in the future.”
“My son is 5 currently. He was one when we divorced.”
“My son visits her all summer and some school breaks.”
“Also in the UK they asked my son who he wanted to live with, but that was only a little bit of the reason I got custody.”
“Also I sent the photos with a message that said, ‘look how smart he looks at my wedding’ so I told her in the message.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You’re the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
The Reddit community was fairly divided on whether or not the OP was the a**hole for not telling his ex-wife about his wedding.
Most people had trouble sympathizing with either the OP or his ex-wife, feeling like the OP should have told her ahead of time about the wedding but that she also shouldn’t have expected an invite, particularly if her current boyfriend is homophobic.
“A simple ‘getting married’ text would not have killed you.”
“If she’s still involved in her son’s life, knowing major life events are happening is a valid complaint.”
“No need to invite her tho.”
“Do we have a ‘can everyone just do better’ tag?”- booksycat
“ESH.”
“Mate, you should have told her.”
“No need to invite her.”
“Or if, told her she knows how her boyfriend is and you respect them enough not to say ‘we invite you but not him’, as they are a team.”
“Call her and apologize for not informing her.”
“You don’t have to inform her, no, but it would have been nice to keep her in the loop.”
“You gave her the feeling that she isn’t an active part in your son’s life, and she just gets a side information later.”
“She already gave you primary custody and let him move with you, so have some grace and have her more involved.”- Signal_Historian_456
“ESH.”
“If you were going to bother to send her a photo, you could have given her a heads up.”
‘We are getting married and our son will be dressed up.”
“I will send you few photos of him’.”
“Track bf homophobic comments (check his social media if you can and screenshot and save) just in case she tries to take you back to court.”- holisarcasm
“ESH.”
“You are not married to each other anymore.”
“But you do co-parent and have a child together.”
“You don’t have to invite her, but would it have killed you to just send her a quick and short text?”-MortalSmile8631
Others, however, felt that the OP didn’t do anything wrong, as his ex-wife did seem to know he was engaged, and many agreed that no one should be expected to be invited to their ex’s wedding.
“NTA since she already knew you had a fiancée.”
“Congrats on the wedding, while you were under no obligation to invite her you could have mentioned that the wedding was happening.”
“However, from her reaction, she probably would have tried to crash it and cause a scene.”- dipardog
“NTA.”
“She knew you were engaged.”
“I’m not entirely sure how getting married is such a shock.”- BoyoDee
“Other than how your spouse treats her/your child, it’s none of her business.”
“Since you do have a child, a head’s up would have been nice, but NTA.”- Dazzling-Mammoth-111
Then there were those who felt the OP was completely in the wrong, agreeing that not telling her the actual date of the wedding or being transparent on why she wasn’t invited was insensitive and unfair.
“YTA.”
“You’re co-parenting. This is her kid too.”
“You should absolutely tell her about such developments in your life.”
“She knew you would be married.”
“She didn’t know her kid would be navigating the wedding.”
“You may think she didn’t need to know, but again, it’s her kid.”
“Consider the optics: keeping something significant from her that impacts your kid, makes it look like you’re shutting her out.”
“Not okay.”
“I can’t imagine it was easy, being told your husband wants a divorce when your kid is only 1.”
“I can’t imagine it was easy that kiddo preferred to live with dad.”
“I can’t imagine it was easy to let Kiddo go to a whole other country.”
“And yet she accepted all of this with amicable grace.”
“Why didn’t you give her some of the same?”- Ladyughsalot1
“YTA.”
“You said you’re co-parenting. She has the right to know that her son is gaining a step-father.”
“You didn’t have to invite her, but neglecting to tell her you were getting married and then sending her photos from the wedding was extremely immature.”
“It doesn’t matter that you don’t like her boyfriend. She’s still your son’s mother and has the right to know about big changes in his life.”- DaBingeGirl
“YTA.”
“YTA across the whole entire board.”
“You wasted her time for however long you were together.”
“Discovering you were gay at almost 30… you should have been a lot more confident in your sexuality before agreeing to marry and have a kid.”
“Then you get full custody (which I don’t see how you managed; someone who doesn’t even know if they are gay or not surely isn’t fit to be the sole parent) and moved your child to a different country away from their mom.”
“Huge AH move, regardless of your reasons.”
“Getting married is fine, but not telling your ex is just weird.”
“You’re bringing someone around her child. She should know about it.”- FutureChocolate9822
“YTA for not telling her.”
“NTA for not inviting her.”
“Stepparents have rights in many countries.”
“Even if your fiance was included in the current custody order, those rights after marriage may increase or change.”
“She has a right to know about the substantial change to the circumstances of her son.”
“Besides the fact that engagements can end, can be short, can be long.”- alldara
Having your ex at your wedding does leave the potential for some awkwardness, with or without a homophobic boyfriend added on.
Even so, seeing as the OP wanted to remain on good terms with his ex-wife, it still might have been in his best interest not just to tell her that he was getting married but also when the wedding was happening and why she shouldn’t have expected an invite.
One can only hope that the ex-wife won’t hold too much of a grudge and they will continue to co-parent their son happily.