Generally speaking, those who share a home, be they spouses, romantic partners or roommates, feel that an even divide of finances and chores is the easiest way to go.
As it tends to result in little to no drama and an overall harmonious living situation.
That being said, every now and then one inhabitant of a shared home might argue to re-evaluate how finances and chores are divided.
Sometimes owing to someone making considerably more or less moneyor someone claiming a larger amount of space than others.
Or sometimes for reasons that don’t seem obvious to mind.
A recent Redditor had been dividing household expenses and chores evenly with his wife.
However, after being recently laid off from his job, the original poster (OP) felt that some changes needed to be made to their initial arrangement.
Changes the OP’s wife wasn’t remotely interested in obliging.
Wondering if his request was out of line, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**Hole” (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for asking my wife to ‘pay me’ for doing housework?”
The OP explained why he felt he was owed some compensation from his wife:
“My (30 M[ale]) Wife (29 F[emale]) and I always roughly made the same amount of money.”
“So we contributed the same financially and split the housework evenly.”
“This always worked well for us.”
“Recently I lost my job.”
“I’m getting my country’s version of an unemployment check, which is around 60% of my regular pay.”
“I can still pay my share of the household and all bills etc, but that leaves pretty much zero spending money.”
“Things are looking well job wise, but in the end, this will probably still mean ~4 months without any money to spend on anything fun at all (and I’d rather not tap into our savings to have a beer, etc.).”
“Now to the argument.”
“My wife suggested I could do a lot more around the house now that I’m out of a job.”
“And I agreed.”
“I won’t be sitting around all day doing nothing, but I’ll still have way more free time than I had or she has.”
“I did, however, suggest that she pitched in a larger % to the household finances than her normal 50%.”
“That way, I could at least have some spending money in the coming months.”
“She disagrees and we had a (somewhat civil) argument about it.”
“We couldn’t see eye to eye.”
“The way she sees it, I can still pay for my part of the household money.”
“So I should.”
“And I do have the free time, so it’s normal that I’d spend more time on chores etc.”
“She sees my pov as her paying me for doing housework in our own home, which she finds absurd.”
“The way I see it.”
“Yes, it makes a lot of sense for me to do more housework in this period.”
“But it also makes a lot of sense for her to chip in more during this period.”
“I think it’s unfair that she expects me to spend my extra time on housework, but she won’t support me extra financially.”
“Financially, this isn’t a problem for her.”
“We talked about this a long while, and we can’t seem to come to an agreement.”
“So I’m looking for an outside view.”
“Am I the a**hole for my point of view here?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
While the Reddit community was somewhat divided, they generally felt the OP was indeed the a**hole for feeling their wife should pay them for doing extra housework.
Some felt the OP had a fair argument that if things truly were 50/50 owing to the fact that they were both making the same amount of money, then the OP’s wife should contribute more to the household now that she’s the primary breadwinner:
“I think NTA, as long as there’s no precedent in your marriage of your wife doing more than 50% of the housework without being ‘paid’ and also no precedent of you covering household expenses 50/50 during a time when you were the one making more money.”
“If there’s any chance either of those things had happened before, even (especially) if you didn’t realize it or think about it before now, then what you’re asking is unfair, and my judgment will change.”- nefarious_planet
“NTA.”
“When one partner is unemployed, it is natural for the other partner to temporarily take on a larger portion of the expenses.”
“And it is also true that the unemployed partner with more free time takes on a larger share of the household chores.”
“She is trying to take advantage of you.”- Big_Alternative_3233
Others, however, had trouble sympathizing with the OP, as he seemed to want to use what little money he had left for extravagances as opposed to something practical:
“YTA.”
“You said in a comment that you earn more than her, yet you still expect a 50/50 split.”
“So now you don’t have fun money. You want it to be proportional until you go back to making more, and it’s 50/50.”
“Why don’t you pay more normally if you think proportional is fair?”- crimsonraiden
“YTA.”
“And my reasoning is simple: you are not working and haven’t been for 4 months (that’s a long time). You are still getting over half of your salary.”
“Do you really expect her to work and pay you for doing what you should do anyway?”
“My guess is she’s probably frustrated that you still don’t have a job.”
“I’ve been unemployed. It doesn’t take 4 months to find a job unless you are being really picky, and you can’t afford to be from the sounds of it.”
“It also doesn’t take all day to look for jobs 2, maybe 3hrs tops, and that’s if you are going on multiple sites.”
“You should have just said to her about a date night, and you’d have got your beer.”- Lets_go_fly
“YTA.”
“You guys shouldn’t be married.”
“If my husband or I were temporarily unemployed, the other person would do more around the house to make it easier on the person who is still working outside the house because we love each other and see our relationship as a partnership and like making each other’s lives easier.”
“You obviously see the relationship as transactional.”
“That ain’t love or marriage, little boy.”- NemoOfConsequence
“YTA.”
“If you have the money to pay your share, you pay your share.”
“The key is that you have the money from unemployment to continue to pay your share.”
“Having money for ‘extras’ is your problem to solve.”
“Meanwhile if you are home and have the time, why wouldn’t you do whatever needs to be done around the home?”
“Why do you think she should ‘chip in’?”
“She isn’t the reason you lost your job.”
“She shouldn’t have to pay a penalty fee to make up for something that wasn’t her fault.”- Deep-Okra1461
“YTA.”
“YOU live there; YOU have the time to clean your house.”
“No one owes you anything other than a thank you either.”- old_mates_slave
“Find a job.”
“It should not take 4 months.”
“YTA for even suggesting that she pay you for doing what you should be doing anyway.”-
Mathalamus2
“YTA because you don’t need it for necessities.”
“You want it for ‘fun money’.”
“Also, this isn’t because you are on medical leave or family leave, so you are capable of earning more.”
“Usually, people try to refrain from spending unnecessary money when they are not making their full income.”
“Why don’t you pick up gig work or something until you are gainfully employed?”- Enough_Grapefruit69
Others had trouble sympathizing with either the OP or his wife, feeling his wife could provide more towards their home, but finding the OP’s logic more than a little skewed:
“This may be a hot take…but…”
“ESH.”
“Marriage is a partnership, not a business arrangement.”
“First off, you live there too.”
“Doing housework in your own home is never something you are entitled to money for as an adult.”
“Expecting compensation for something you should already be doing as a competent adult is entitled on your part.”
“Period.”
“Second, if she is your partner, she should want to help in the first place.”
“She is being petty and inflexible and putting financial equality over equity in the relationship.”
“Now, with that being said, it is still her money to do with as she sees fit.”
“We don’t have to agree with how she is handling the situation, but no one has the right to deny her financial autonomy or agency.”- TheGoodJeans
It’s fair enough to say that we no longer live in a world where men should be expected to be sole providers, especially if their female partners are the primary breadwinners.
Even so, the OP and his wife need to have a few more conversations on this matter.
As of right now, neither truly seems to be focusing on the best outcome for each other, but rather the best outcome for themselves.