For all the joy children provide, raising children also comes with more than its fair share of anxiety.
Namely, always worrying about their health and safety, even over a seemingly minor fall or bump.
But as any parent, grandparent or babysitter could tell you, a child leaving your sight for even just one moment still gives them the potential to be harmed in any number of ways.
Redditor Vast_Edge_9460 was initially more than happy to open his home to his daughter and grandson, after she fell on slightly hard times.
However, the original poster (OP)'s patience began to wear a little thin the more and more his daughter began worrying about the safety of her toddler child.
When the OP's daughter suggested some changes be made to his house to ensure her child's safety, he flatly refused.
Wondering if he was being unfair, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for refusing to childproof my house?"
The OP explained why childproofing his home was one thing too many for him:
"My wife and I have a daughter [23] called Katie, who has an almost 1 year old son named Jesse."
"Katie still lives at home with us, which isn't ideal, but we've had to make do with the situation."
"My wife has basically become a second mother to Jesse and we have both been helping out Katie as much as possible, as Katie and the father are no longer together."
"He still does his part but since Katie still lives with us, Jesse is with us most of the time."
"I would rather not have Katie still living with us but she had nowhere else to go so we couldn't kick her out with a child."
"My wife doesn't have as much of a problem with her living at home as I do, but the main thing that annoys me is that Katie spends her money on stupid things that she doesn't need instead of saving up for her own place."
"We've given her so much and she basically just throws it back in our faces."
"Jesse is starting to walk around furniture and is getting more adventurous, so Katie bought corner protectors and cabinet locks to put around the house as well as baby gates."
"She came to me and asked me if I could help her put them on stuff and put up the gates, but I told her that I didn't want to start putting all of that around my house."
"She said we need them up to keep Jesse from hurting himself, but I reminded her that Jesse has a whole nursery that he can learn to walk in, so he doesn't need to be walking around the kitchen or living room or any other room, and it's her responsibility to make sure he doesn't injure himself."
"We got into an argument about it and I basically told her she should he saving her money to get her own place where she can do whatever she wants instead of buying more things to put in my house."
"She got pretty upset but I think she got the message because she hasn't talked about putting them up since."
"My wife asked me why I wouldn't help her out and I told her that if we start childproofing our house, it will give Katie the impression that we're willing to accommodate her and Jesse for as long as she wants and that she can live with us for god knows how long."
"I just don't want her thinking her that she can live with us forever because as much as I love her and Jesse, the sooner they move out the better because it's a lot of extra work for my wife and I."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The OP found little to no sympathy from the Reddit community, who generally agreed that he was, indeed, the a**hole in this situation.
While there were some who understood his frustrations with needing to babyproof his home, and others understood him wanting his daughter to move out, everyone still agreed that babyproofing was a necessity as long as he allowed his daughter and grandson to live in his home -- especially as it was revealed in the comments that his daughter was paying him rent, making his claims about her not saving money all the more questionable.
"Congratulations on receiving the A**hole of the Year Award."
"You may not appreciate having your daughter and your grandson in your home, but they are living there now, and you are partially responsible for his safety."
"Do you really think that this baby is going to spend the remainder of his stay in your home in his room?"
"I am appalled that you would think that devices necessary for the baby's safety are 'stupid things that she doesn't need'.
"I am appalled at your selfishness."
"Yes, they are a lot of work (although not for you because you are doing nothing for them except for begrudgingly sharing your space."
"How would you feel if your grandson fell down the stairs and fractured his skull because you didn't feel a baby gate was necessary (she would need one in your home if he were there for even one night)?"
"I am appalled at your callous attitude."
"Have I used the word 'appalled' several times?"
"I am truly shocked and cannot get over your appalling attitude."
"There I have said it again,"
"YES, YOU ARE AN A**HOLE."- Maximum-Swan-1009
"YTA."
"Baby proofing to protect your own grandchild is a hardship foe you?"
"Again...YTA."- Accomplished-Ad3219
"YTA."
"The main thing is making sure Jesse doesn't get into things that could hurt him while he is living in your house."
"You and your wife need to be on the same page about when Katie needs to move out."
"When that happens, you can happily toss the childproof everything and celebrate."-HighlyCaffein8edSoul
"YTA."
"Not because you didn't baby proof the house (I didn't either for my own kid, I was just dead careful) but the way you talk about the whole situation."
"If my dad spoke about me like this, I'd be furious."
"You want to be careful as she will move out eventually, and you might never see her or her kid again with this attitude."- clrthrn
"YTA."
"If you have a baby living with you, you need to make the house safe."
"You truly expect a baby to stay in one room to 'learn to walk'?"
"Makes me wonder how involved you were as a parent to Katie because that is a pretty clueless take on things."
"If you don't want them there, then you need to set a timeline for them to move out, and ideally be a parent and help her achieve those goals."- Squiggy226
"YTA."
"If you really want her out that badly, why don't you save her rent for her since she does pay it and then tell her to use it to get her own place once there is enough?"
"If she pays rent, she is a tenant and has rights—which includes her child being safe in the home she pays rent in."- Former_Expression_94
"NTA for refusing to childproof the house."
"YTA for refusing to allow the house to be childproofed by your paying tenant."
"Another commenter pointed out that OP has removed a lot of important details (like Katie paying rent) and has been outright deceitful regarding the daughters money management."
"Also if the childproofing is such a burden for OP, a compromise might be childproofing just 1 level of the home. then the child can be safe without having to be confined to 1 bedroom."- GRAWRGER
"YTA bud."
"That said, you and your wife should talk and maybe come up with a plan to charge Katie a minimal rent."
"But just save it up until she's ready to move out or until it's a fair-sized nest egg that you can present to her as a 'hey, you should move out' gift."
"Also, note that you or your wife will still have to do a lot of sitting with Jesse once they move out, so maybe things are a little more convenient the way they are."- Immediate-Season-293
"Jeez, you're a gigantic a**hole."
"Why are you so mean and selfish?"
"It's clear you despise your daughter and grandchild."
"I feel sorry for them having ever to see you at all."
"YTA."- Bergenia1
There were a few, however, who did understand the OP's frustrations about his daughter getting too comfortable in his house, even if they still agreed he was wrong not to babyproof his home.
"ESH."
"Being a parent never ends."
"Your daughter is most likely never going to move out, and you're going to have to accept this."
"I'm a parent to a single mother, and I wish she would move back home - believe me, it's much easier to support them under your own roof than support two households."- JenninMiami
There's no denying it, childproofing your home is annoying.
However, childproofing also prevents children from needing to be rushed to the emergency room.
If the OP thinks the occasional emergency room visit is less of a hassle than childproofing his home while his grandson lives there, he needs to seriously reevaluate his priorities.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp