It can be lovely when our significant other helps us out in the morning before a long commute to work.
Whether that's making sure we're up on time or even starting the coffee for us, these small actions of kindness go a long way.
But is there a point at which someone's asks too much?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster (OP) beepbopbeepbopbadoop when he came to the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
He asked:
"AITA For Not Carrying My Wife's Purse?"
OP had a brief introduction.
"I (32yo m) work fully remote, and my wife (30yo f) works 2-3 days in office."
"On days where she commutes in the morning, I wake up early with her, make us French press coffee while she gets ready, and I walk her to the ferry, which is approximately a 5-minute walk, and then approximately a 5-10 minute wait for the ferry onboarding."
Then right to the problem.
"On our walks, she insists that I carry her purse, saying that her bag is heavy, that she has to carry it all day, and that if I carry it on the walk, it would mean a lot to her."
"I told her that she's putting me in an awkward situation, where I need to either a) carry her purse which I would prefer not to do or b) have an argument first thing in the morning because I refused to carry her purse."
"Maybe I am just stubborn, but to me, carrying my wife's purse and then standing in line with all of the commuters waiting to board the ferry as I hold my wife's purse for her commute to work is a bit emasculating and humiliating."
"She, on the other hand, thinks that it would be a nice gesture, and the fact that if I find it embarrassing for me is irritating because I should,
"A) care more about what she thinks than what other people think and..."
"B) be comfortable enough in my own skin not to feel emasculated or humiliated."
"So what do you think?"
"Am I the a**hole for telling my wife I don't want to carry her purse?"
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
-
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: ESH
A story with no heroes.
"ESH."
"'She insists that I carry her purse, saying that her bag is heavy, that she has to carry it all day,'"
"Insisting is rather strong. If it's so heavy, I don't understand how she manages for the rest of the day."
"'Standing in line with all of the commuters waiting to board the ferry as I hold my wife's purse for her commute into work is a bit emasculating and humiliating.'"
"That's a bit fragile." ~ diminishingpatience
"ESH -"
"You are both being ridiculous."
"I highly doubt that she has actually to carry her purse all day. Nobody does that. But feeling emasculated by a purse is also absurd."
"Buy a nice big manly bag that her purse will fit in and use that to transport her purse for her." ~ Forward_Squirrel8879
"Seriously, ESH."
"I have yet to meet a man that uses the word 'emasculating' who wasn't trying to force women to deal with toxic masculinity."
"Honestly, it's just a purse. Why are you so embarrassed by it?"
"I guarantee if other women saw you doing that, they would be thinking, 'What a great guy! I hope I find someone like that someday!"'
"I don't understand how a purse can actually be 'humiliating' in any way other than your sense of self-being so delicate that you can't be seen, which is something YOU perceive as so feminine."
"On the flip side, as someone who regularly carries a purse, your wife definitely needs to lighten the load if it's that difficult for her to handle on a 5 min walk."
"That's totally on her."
"My purse is a beast, but that's my own fault and choice, and would never ask someone else to carry it since I'm the one who keeps it that heavy."
"If my husband were to offer... that would be an entirely different story, but to insist he holds something that I did to myself is ridiculous." ~ Odd-Bit1837
"Yeah."
"The wife seems to be doing some sort of weird (territorial?) flex with her damn purse, and OP shouldn't let his masculinity be threatened by whatever he's carrying"
"ESH" ~ WhizzoButterBoy
Purse Alternatives.
"I think OP's wife should switch to a backpack if it's too heavy (or empty out her purse so it's not), but I think OP saying he won't carry a purse because it's emasculating IS a bit of an a**hole thing to say." ~ jdessy
"May I suggest a rolling case or backpack?"
"The school psychs use those here in our district because they have sooooo much stuff and laptops to cart everywhere. Saves their backs!" ~ InterestingFact1728
"Would suggest a rolling bag instead of a heavy backpack."
"I did the backpack for years and ended up with shoulder issues."
"Doc said heavy backpacks are not a good option for many people and instead do a rolling bag." ~ Lawgirl77
Including this because I did not know it.
"Big agree. It's totally an a**hole thing to say."
"Why is it emasculating to carry a purse?"
"It's literally just a big wallet that carries more things."
"The whole concept of women's things being emasculating comes from the old concept of women being 'lesser,'"
"So men seeing utility/value in women's things and using them was then frowned upon because it 'made them more like a woman."'
"It works out to be a good example of toxic masculinity where men are made to feel 'lesser' by other men simply because they hold a bag."
"Anyways, that aside..."
"Did you know that any purse with a long shoulder strap can be converted into a backpack?
~ ashwynne
Fragility.
"The other night at a bar, I asked my partner to watch my purse while I went to the ladies."
"When I came back, he was gone, my purse was gone, and I was like, uh...."
"Then I saw him up at the bar getting drinks, talking with people, and happily parading around while wearing my purse."
"No fragile masculinity there." ~ nebulaespiral
"I absolutely LOVE men that are super secure in their masculinity."
"When you're secure in your masculinity, carrying a purse around isn't "emasculating." It is SO attractive." ~ Pizzacato567
Some commenters were less forgiving of OP specifically.
"Not saying this is what's happening in the OPs case."
"But I get so annoyed with dudes who simultaneously say 'it's your purse, if it's too heavy for you to carry, take stuff out', and also 'you're the one with the purse, carry this for me, will you', and then refuse to help carry it." ~ RivSilver
"Kind of weird that OP feels emasculated by carrying his wife's purse, but he just HAD to mention making French Press coffee."
"Come on, OP! REAL MEN drink used motor oil in the morning!" ~ degobrah
"I have a feeling he mentioned the French press coffee as a way to say 'see? I go through all the trouble to make her (us) French press coffee every morning!'"
"'It doesn't matter that it's ridiculously simple to make I should get a crap ton of credit for any effort that could possibly construed as for her."'
"'She's obviously lucky to have such a great husband already'" ~ KimeriTenko
"My husband carries this pink floral and cat backpack I have when we go on day trips."
"Definitely agree that 'insists' makes her the a**hole, too, but I also feel like it's a bit sad to be so uncomfortable about your masculinity."
"I personally think it's sexy and says a ton about a man who helps his partner out with these types of situations."
After a major surgery, my husband used my hairdryer on me and would have painted my nails, shaved my legs, etc. If I asked."
"It isn't humiliating - it means you care about your partner and their well-being." ~ alc19912010
Commenters were confused by OP's stance.
"What I don't understand is my partner would carry it for me, or my dad would for me, with no question asked, without me saying anything, so I can't imagine arguing with my partner about this."
"They actually feel like the opposite: not carrying it for me would be seen as negative on them. I am so independent that I get frustrated when they do it at times lol."
"I don't necessarily think either is right here, but being so focused on what others think that you can't do something nice for your wife because she asks is absurd to me."
"You are partners. You care about her."
"People are probably so focused on their own commute and days that I doubt they give much as a second thought to someone carrying a purse."
"If she fights it or demands it, that's not great either, but I wonder if she feels hurt that he is so focused on how he feels that she gets upset about it."
"Rather than being insistent or demanding, at least at the beginning." ~ navik8_88
Perhaps, if the bag is making you feel less manly - try changing the shoes.
Expectant Dad Of Two Livid After Brother Questions Why He'd Bring Another Kid Into Bleak World
It's no secret that a lot of people are struggling right now, from the cost of living to job insecurity to food insecurity to poor housing. But that doesn't mean we have to stop living.
For many people, that means still starting and growing their families, while planning how to navigate the world we're currently in, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor DesignerOwn1141 and his wife knew that the world around them wasn't at its best right now, but they were eager to grow their family and were excited to bring a third child into the world.
When they announced their pregnancy, his brother's first reaction was to send him articles about how the world was doomed and shame him for bringing a child into it; the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he needed to block his own brother.
He asked the sub:
The OP and his wife were excited to welcome a third child into their family.
"I am 33 and male. My wife is 29."
"We have two sons, a six-year-old boy and a three-year-old boy. Both are happy, healthy, and well taken care of."
"We love being parents to them, and I work very hard to provide a good life for my family."
"My wife is four months pregnant with our third."
The OP's brother's life was very different from his.
"My younger brother has been something of a failure-to-launch case."
"Despite having every advantage, he never got good grades in school, was addicted to 'League of Legends' so severely that he barely scraped by, and spends his days streaming games to nearly no viewers on Twitch."
"I've watched his stream a few times, but he just rages constantly."
"My wife is too classy to ever say so, but I can tell he makes her uncomfortable."
"He's my brother, so I've long wanted to believe he's just bad at communicating with people, but to be frank, he's sort of just an a**hole. He's unapologetic whenever he says something hurtful and more likely to just double down and say, 'No cap.'"
"But if anyone so much as challenges his views, he throws a huge fit."
The OP tried to share his happy news with his brother, but his brother immediately squandered it.
"Recently, we announced she was pregnant with our third child. It's a joyous occasion for us because we wanted three children, and our other two sons are excited about having another brother or sister."
"When I texted my brother the news, he immediately said he couldn't imagine having children with the world the way it was."
"I asked what he meant, and he started sending me these articles about global warming, the plague in Russia, wars around the world, and so on."
"He seems convinced that the world is going to end in ten years tops, and that I'm only bringing up another child to die in the 'water wars.'"
"I was honestly disgusted with him. To tell someone that their unborn child is going to die, that their other children are going to die, is absolutely abhorrent behavior."
"But since he's always been a sensitive s**thead, I just said, 'Whatever, man,' and stopped reading his texts."
"He wouldn't stop. He kept sending me every doomer article. He said that when the clouds evaporate, the earth is going to get 15 degrees hotter. He said that AI is going to hack every government database. He said that China is going to invade Taiwan, and then it'll be war with the US and allies against Russia, China, North Korea, and Iran."
The OP had had enough of his brother's negative feedback.
"Finally, I just told him I was blocking him and thought little of the decision."
"He went and cried to our parents (again, he's the most sensitive s**tbag in the world), and they told me what I did was over the top."
"I know that if I unblock him, he's just going to doomspam me again."
"Am I wrong for just straight-up saying I never want him in my life again?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that they understood why he felt the need to distance himself from his brother.
"NOR. He sounds insufferable."
"He sounds like one of those people who doesn't like his life and so wants everyone else to be miserable too, or makes excuses for why he didn't do more with his life by blaming his problems on some external crisis." - savingrain
"NOR. He's allowed to protect his peace, especially if his brother keeps ignoring boundaries and turning every conversation into another end-of-the-world prediction, and having kids is hardly a reason to apologize for trying to build a good life despite everything going on." - Upper-Cloud9097
"NOR. But your brother is on his way to a full mental breakdown. Send him back cute dog and cat videos. Cute horse videos. Ozzy animal voiceovers."
"Eventually his phone will start thinking he's like me and his feed will calm down." - Present_Original_797
"I mean, my beliefs and thoughts about the future are along the same lines as him, and that’s why I’m an anti-natalist, but there’s something called tact. And personal choice/autonomy."
"If someone chooses to have kids, that’s their choice, and I’d keep my opinions to myself and be supportive, especially if they’re a family member. Spreading doomer content is extremely insensitive and rude. NOR." - EngineerGold4242
"NOR: I wonder whether your brother is displaying sibling jealousy towards you and your family; he recognizes his own shortcomings and can see where he is in life compared to you, and that is his major issue."
"Days filled with unfulfilling computer games and doomspamming others, he has a lot of maturing to do. Block him until or unless he decides to join the adult world and be the uncle he is supposed to be." - iron_redditman
"NOR. I have all those fears and as such actively avoid news about them. I skipped whole paragraphs here for that reason too, lol."
"I’d definitely block my sibling or anybody else who did that to me. I already know all these things; I don’t need constant reminders. All I can do is work on improving my little corner of the world and trudge forward."
"Anyway, protect your peace." - hahagato
"You are not obligated to bond with someone just because you share blood. It’s your peace and your family that you need to protect now. If you decide to go zero contact, it’s perfectly okay!"
"Especially because you and your wife are in charge of two, almost three, little guys, and your mental peace affect directly to them."
"PS. Historically, the world has always been on the edge, but nothing stops us to be what we are, humans trying to get over all the s**t! So don’t let those bad things put you down. We can build a better world by raising kind, lovely people, and it seems you and your wife are doing it. Good luck!" - Camigatoespinace92
Others advised the OP to involve his parents in case they could help his brother.
"Unblock him and then send everything he texts you to both mom and dad. No comments, just forward it."
"They'll think you're sending it, and when they complain, you can tell them that you thought they'd be interested in your brother's articles as well."
"NOR." - No_Address687
"NOR. Your parents don't know the half of it. Forward everything and let them read it for themselves." - Available_Agent3305
"NOR. I’d keep him blocked; your parents are wrong. If you want to be petty, start sending your parents article after article of stuff you know they won’t like. They will get the hint soon enough." - OldieButNotMoldy
"I would also go low contact with the OP's parents. OP is clearly NOT the favorite son. Any boundaries he put up with his brother will be considered wrong. NOR." - Interesting_Novel997
"NOR, but also my first reaction is that your brother isn't a 'sensitive s**tbag,' he is struggling with anxiety/depression and maybe undiagnosed neurodivergence and is drowning in his own ruminations. None of that makes this an appropriate response to a pregnancy announcement; it's clearly not. But he sounds like someone who is clearly struggling here."
"If it were me, I'd be sending your parents anything he previously sent you. If they share your concern after reading a few articles, maybe they'll take steps to help him." - 2kidsnomoney---
"NOR. I'm sorry to say this, OP, but your brother has not been socialized normally. He is a chronically online loser who thinks he can do and say whatever he wants and does not understand there are no consequences because there are often no consequences when he does it in a league match or online."
"It frankly sounds like your concern for him and his future is budding into resentment and contempt, and I feel like, as most brothers would, those are not the feelings you want to hold towards him."
"I have a brother like this. He was diagnosed as an adult with Asperger’s and now just a spectrum autism diagnosis, but he’s a real a**."
"You may have to unblock him to communicate fairly. It may be worth doing this in person because it’s easier for the chronically online to 'craft' their retort rather than be a part of a conversation."
"Before you can do that, though, you need to sit down with your parents. You need to explain and be able to articulate that:"
"1. His reaction to the wonderful news of you having another child crossed the line and was inappropriate."
"2. There need to be reasonable consequences or boundaries because you are no longer willing to put up with that."
"3. It is his call at this point whether or not he wants to be in your life and your children’s lives."
"You have to have their buy-in; otherwise they are just going to continue to coddle and enable this behavior."
"Then you need to sit down with him and your parents, intervention style. You need to present the same argument you did to your parents, and in all honestly, I would question him in return: what was he hoping would have been the outcome of that conversation?"
"Did he want you to say he’s so right, so smart? Did he want you to go to your wife and tell her to abort? Does he feel like he is in a place in his life where he can be your family planner and manager? When he crosses a line, what does he feel should happen?"
"Only when he is directly confronted, and you have the right supports in place, can he be presented with how his behavior affected you and what that could possibly mean for his relationship with you and your growing family." - allison_mossie
The subreddit understood feeling burdened by so much negative information during what should be a happy time of planning and anticipating a new addition to the family, but the OP needed time to think about what he wanted his larger family dynamic to look like.
That might mean removing his brother, so that the OP could protect his own, and by extension, his wife's and children's, mental health, but it might mean minimizing contact with other people, too, if they weren't willing to respect the OP's boundaries he had for his family's life.