People hold on to certain traditions for a variety of reasons. Sometimes, it's purely for the enjoyment of partaking in the tradition or sharing the tradition brings. Other traditions have a slightly deeper, more somber meaning, however.
With this in mind, skipping or missing certain traditions might have unexpected emotional consequences.
The son of Redditor Creepy_Werewolf_4914 was looking forward to a tradition that came in tandem with his birthday.
However, the original poster (OP)'s wife felt that the money they would spend on this tradition could be better used, eventually convincing the OP to go along with that.
Resulting in the OP's son breaking down in tears.
Wondering if they were being insensitive, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for making my son cry?"
The OP shared why his son was brought to tears after a change of plans regarding his birthday:
"I (47 M[ale]) have a son (14 M) from a previous marriage to my late wife."
"She passed two years ago, and for my son, the wound is still very fresh."
"My son and she were very close as they looked exactly alike and had a lot of the same interest in reading, history, and art."
"Their favorite place in the world is the British Museum in London."
"Their passion project has been redrawing pieces from the museum for the last two years before."
"For the last four years, for my wife's birthday in June and my son's birthday in December, we go to England for a week so they can spend time in the museum."
"However since she died, my son and I have continued going for his birthday."
"The problem is with my new wife (39 F[emale])."
"She's only been with us on this annual trip once last year, and she complained the whole time."
"Now, however, we recently found out we are expecting a child together in May."
"She raised it to my attention that the money I've used for the trip could be better used to be saved for the baby and we could instead do something else for my son's birthday."
"I thought about it, and I agreed."
"I was worried how he'd take it as this is the only thing he wants for his birthday."
"He doesn't ask for gifts or cake or a party."
"All he cares about is this g*ddamn museum."
"We broke the news to my son yesterday, and he flipped out."
"He was so upset, and when my wife tried to tell him why we were saving the money and where the money was going, he said he didn't give a damn, and we got into an argument about it."
"He said he was upset because if he didn't go this year, he'd miss the new exhibit he'd been wanting to see, and he accused my wife of doing this on purpose because 'she already doesn't like me,' he said."
"I admit I yelled at him, and he started crying, and for the last 24 hours, he hasn't spoken to me."
"Am I the a**hole?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
The Reddit community had little sympathy for the OP, all but unanimously agreeing he was indeed the a**hole for making his son cry.
Everyone agreed that not only did the OP completely miss the meaning of making that visit to the British museum held for his son, but he also rather blatantly seemed to prioritize his unborn child over his still grieving son:
"YTA."
"Your wife died two years ago."
"One year ago, you brought your new wife on this trip."
"So you were remarried within a year of your son's mother's death?"
"Not just dating, but actually planned and had a wedding?"
"And brought this new wife on his first trip back to the museum since his mother died?"
"And now he can't go because you're having a baby."
"Hope you like the new kid a whole lot because you won't see much of your first one in the future."- temperedolive
"YTA in a huge way."
"By calling it a 'goddam museum', you're minimizing the importance of this tradition."
"You're denying your son a connection he has with his late mother, all in the name of 'saving money' for the new baby."
"Your son feels like you're abandoning him for this new family."
"I don't blame him."
"You seem like a terrible father."
"It seems like you don't care that your kid lost his mother."
"Was he ok with you 'moving on' with another woman?"
"Lots of men with kids do, because they can't handle the responsibility of raising kids alone, and it's almost never ok with the kids."
"Think about what you're doing here."
"It won't be long before your son leaves you behind and goes no contact."
"Good thing you have this new backup family, right?."- Terrible_Radio7353
"YTA."
"'The problem is with my new wife (39F)'."
"She's the cartoon villain stepmother in your son's eyes, but you're worse for not standing up for your son."
"'She's only been with us on this annual trip once last year and she complained the whole time'."
"'She raised it to my attention that the money I've used for the trip could be better used to be saved for the baby'."
"What a peach."
"She will make your son resent your new child as much as he probably resents her."
"Your son needs this tradition."
"He needs this connection with his mom, especially now that you have totally restructured him home with a wedge-wielding wife and incoming baby."
"It is not just 'a GD museum' to him."
"'She already doesn't like me," he said'."
"Is he right?"
"'For the last 24 hours, he hasn't spoken to me'."
"Why should he?"
"You've shown him where your allegiance is, and it isn't with him."- Dittoheadforever
"'All he cares about is this g*ddamn museum'."
"Of course he does."
"That's the last connection he has to his mother."
"YTA."
"I get wanting to have money for the baby, but you could do both if you planned and saved money."- Primary-Criticism929
"Your shiny new wife chose to act worse than a whiny toddler and ruined a trip that we meant for a CHILD, on their birthday, as a memory for his mother."
"You allowed this woman to make your son feel terrible in his favorite place in the world, on his birthday."
"You allowed this woman to take the one thing your child has ever wanted, to shift it over to something that has nothing to do with your son, for his birthday."
"You yelled at your son for reacting badly to being shoved aside for your new family."
"You allow your new wife to mistreat your son, not even bothering to raise any question at 'she hates me' at all."
"Of. Course. YTA."- crocodilezebramilk
"Yes YTA."
"Have you thought your son is now looking at this as a new tradition so that the two of you can be closer?"
"Instead, you've essentially told him your new wife and baby are more important than him, and quite frankly, it's a red flag that your new wife doesn't have any empathy for him."
"You better hope this new marriage lasts because in years to come, I doubt your son will have much to do with you."- ColdstreamCapple
"Your first wife died two years ago."
"Your current wife has already gone on this trip once and just successfully got the second one cancelled."
"And you have a baby on the way."
"So how long after she died did you move on to the new wife?"
"Did you even try to help your son cope and grieve before you let the evil stepmother start controlling his life?" - Mysterious_Silver381
"YTA."
"And by what you did, you made it clear that your new family means more to you."
"That you want the money to go to your new wife and new child."
"Instead of your son who lost his mother."
"Your wife doesn't like the trip - she doesn't has to go."
"See already money saved."
"It should be only a trip between you and your son anyway if your wife complains all the time."
"But congratulations."
"You made your son lose his father and the rest of his family with this action."
"And you ruined any possible sibling bond between your son and his half-sibling because he now knows that you favorite the new child way before, as it was the reason you saw your obligation to give your son what he wants as ended."- Trevena_Ice
Obviously, bringing a new child into the world will require an adjustment to one's finances. However, the OP's cancellation of his son's trip shows a shocking lack of compassion and awareness for his son.
Who is clearly still grieving the loss of his mother and was looking forward to the trip to the British Museum as a way to hold on to her memory.
The fact that the OP could remarry and procreate as quickly as he did suggests he was able to move on from his first wife's death relatively easily.
One can only hope that he'll soon realize this was not the case with his son, who needs love and support.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp