When people make the decision to get married, they are, for the most part, deciding to share their lives with their partner.
As a result, some things people used to do solo or with a group of friends, they would now do with their partners.
Of course, all couples are still bound to have differing interests and hobbies, which they don't necessarily feel the need to share with their partners.
Then, too, some people might jump at the chance to spend some time away from their partners, as well as their children.
The husband of Redditor RealFoot7185 was of the mindset that, as a couple, they should do everything together.
However, the original poster (OP) was aching for some time to herself, where she didn't need to be a wife or a mother.
There was one day in particular that she thought would be a good option.
A day she was concerned that wanting to be alone might offend her husband.
Wondering if her decision was selfish, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**Hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for wanting ONE day to myself on my birthday instead of being a full-time wife/mom?"
The OP explained why she was worried the one thing she wanted most for her birthday wouldn't sit well with her husband:
"I (24 F[emale]) feel like I’ve never actually had a chance to live my own life."
"I had my first child at 16, spent years working and being responsible, and never really got to go out or experience anything."
"By the time I turned 21, I got pregnant again with my now-husband (27 M[ale]), became a SAHM, and later had twins."
"Since then, my entire life has been nonstop kids, home, and responsibilities."
"My husband thinks that because we’re married, we should basically do everything together and that our lives should revolve around family."
"He doesn’t have friends here and doesn’t care to go out, but I do."
"I want to feel like an individual sometimes."
"Go to a spa, dress up, have a drink with friends."
"He says he’s 'fine' with me going out, but afterward he makes me feel guilty, like I’m choosing other people over my family even though I spend every single day with them."
"So for my birthday, I said I want ONE day to myself to go out and enjoy life a little."
"Now I think he feels some type of way about it."
"AITA for not wanting to spend my birthday with my husband and kids?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for wanting to spend her birthday alone.
Everyone agreed that not only was the OP's request reasonable, but she had the right to do whatever she wanted on her birthday:
"NTA."
"The deep dark secret is… let him feel how he feels."
"Don’t feel guilty because you need to take care of yourself."
"Part of self-care is not having to take care of your baby or husband for a night."
"My wife and I, theoretically, get one night every other week to go out by ourselves and do our hobbies."
"I usually go play board games, and she usually goes to book club."
"The other partner stays at home and takes care of the kids without complaint, because THAT’S OUR F*CKING JOB AS PARENTS."- Robbylution
"NTA."
"Other people don’t get to be mad about how you want to spend your birthday."
"Question: Is he really upset about it because he doesn’t understand it or because he has to take care of the kids all day?"- Disastrous-Nail-640
"NTA."
"But maybe also you don’t need to take responsibility for your husband’s feelings."
"He can feel whatever you said, what you want, and it’s YOUR birthday."
"It’s ok for your wants and needs to take priority once in a while."
"If your husband insists on his idea of what you should want over what you have said out loud that’s bad news about your marriage."- LongjumpingSnow6986
"NTA."
"At all. It's normal to feel burnout when all you literally do is care for other people."
"It's okay to want a day, any day, just to yourself once in a while."- stitch18ih
"Get a hotel room for the weekend."
"Order room service."
"Binge-watch all the things you can’t watch while in Mom mode."
"Drink some adult beverages (if that’s your thing)."
"Chill."
"Relax."
"You deserve it."
"NTA."- Hopper-bayonet
"NTA."
"But this is going to be an uphill battle for you for a long time."
"Does either of you have family in the area?"
"I'm guessing because you're the SAHP and have 4 kids (by 24, I can't imagine!) he secretly feels like he can't take care of them on his own without you."
"You deserve some time off, you are on mom duty 24/7."
"And it doesn't need to be your birthday, you two could figure out one evening a week or something for you to have even just a few hours to yourself."
"Go see a movie, or go out with friends, or take a class in something you're interested in."
"And I think you need to TELL him you're doing this, not ask."- Jerseygirl2468
"NTA at all."
"But your husband's response is concerning."
"Are you able to sit down and have a heart-to-heart with him about why this is important?"
"And also you mention he 'makes you feel guilty' and you 'think he feels some way about it' - is this you projecting or has he explicitly said that he is unhappy / done something specific to make you know this."- Solid_Minute_8550
"NTA."
"You should have a day off at least 2x a month, not just one a year."
"And your husband needs to find some friends so he can have 2 days off a month too."
"It's one thing to prioritize family, but wanting a night out with a friend on your birthday does not equal disloyalty."- crackersucker2
"NTA."
"People are allowed to take some time away from their partners."
"Him making you feel guilty is a red flag in my opinion tho."- microwaveablepasta
"NTA and it’s exactly why I left my ex."
"The guilt tripping over me wanting to spend even a few hours alone drove me to the breaking point."
"It felt manipulative and controlling, and it was the trigger that eventually led me to realize he was a narcissist."
"At least as a single mum, I now get one whole night a week to myself when it’s dad's turn, but then again I also have to deal with a butt-hurt ex for the next 12-years."- MapOfIllHealth
"My instinct is NTA, but I have to ask."
"What do you mean by he makes you feel guilty about going out to do things?"
"Does he actively say or do something that is intended to cause guilt?"
"Like does he say you are choosing other people over your family?"
"Or does he get mad that he had to do childcare?"
"Or are you interpreting the things he does when you get home in ways that causes you to feel guilt?"
"Like does he catch you up with what your kids have been doing while you're away and you feel guilty that you weren't there?"-Maebqueer
"NTA."
"You need your own life and identity outside of being a slave to others."
"The fact that your husband doesn’t want you to have one says a lot."
"He is benefitting from your unhappiness."- Relevant-Shower4783
"NTA."
"You do deserve a day by yourself."
"Go to a spa, go walk around shops, have a quiet lunch and go meet some friends."
"Just because you got kids and a hubby doesn’t mean you don’t get alone time."
"Hubby can have bonding time with the kids."
"They can go to a park, play games, find a jump place and nap."- 9smalltowngirl
"Go to the spa."
"Go to the movies."
"Go sit on a bench and stare into the distance."
"You deserve a day to yourself."
"Happy Birthday!"
"NTA"- Aggravating_Baker557
"NTA and you need to engage in better communication around these issues because this won’t improve over time."
"The two of you have had vastly different experiences as adolescents and young adults, and he needs to understand what that means."- iheartwords
"NTA."
"But possibly suggest you have a birthday with the fam and your present is an afternoon and an evening solo."- julesk
"NTA."
"You deserve alone time and to be your own person. If you start to feel like you HAVE to hang out with your husband, instead of wanting it to, resentment will grow."
"On the other take, I'll be worried about your husband's co-dependency tho, not having friends besides your SO is definitely not normal."-Party_Law1962
A birthday should be about giving them exactly what they want, if only for the day.
To show them how loved and valued they are.
The best way for the OP's husband to show her this is by giving her one day, where the only person she needs to worry about is herself.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.