When people make the decision to get married, they are, for the most part, deciding to share their lives with their partner.
As a result, some things people used to do solo or with a group of friends, they would now do with their partners.
Of course, all couples are still bound to have differing interests and hobbies, which they don't necessarily feel the need to share with their partners.
Then, too, some people might jump at the chance to spend some time away from their partners, as well as their children.
The husband of Redditor RealFoot7185 was of the mindset that, as a couple, they should do everything together.
However, the original poster (OP) was aching for some time to herself, where she didn't need to be a wife or a mother.
There was one day in particular that she thought would be a good option.
A day she was concerned that wanting to be alone might offend her husband.
Wondering if her decision was selfish, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**Hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for wanting ONE day to myself on my birthday instead of being a full-time wife/mom?"
The OP explained why she was worried the one thing she wanted most for her birthday wouldn't sit well with her husband:
"I (24 F[emale]) feel like I’ve never actually had a chance to live my own life."
"I had my first child at 16, spent years working and being responsible, and never really got to go out or experience anything."
"By the time I turned 21, I got pregnant again with my now-husband (27 M[ale]), became a SAHM, and later had twins."
"Since then, my entire life has been nonstop kids, home, and responsibilities."
"My husband thinks that because we’re married, we should basically do everything together and that our lives should revolve around family."
"He doesn’t have friends here and doesn’t care to go out, but I do."
"I want to feel like an individual sometimes."
"Go to a spa, dress up, have a drink with friends."
"He says he’s 'fine' with me going out, but afterward he makes me feel guilty, like I’m choosing other people over my family even though I spend every single day with them."
"So for my birthday, I said I want ONE day to myself to go out and enjoy life a little."
"Now I think he feels some type of way about it."
"AITA for not wanting to spend my birthday with my husband and kids?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for wanting to spend her birthday alone.
Everyone agreed that not only was the OP's request reasonable, but she had the right to do whatever she wanted on her birthday:
"NTA."
"The deep dark secret is… let him feel how he feels."
"Don’t feel guilty because you need to take care of yourself."
"Part of self-care is not having to take care of your baby or husband for a night."
"My wife and I, theoretically, get one night every other week to go out by ourselves and do our hobbies."
"I usually go play board games, and she usually goes to book club."
"The other partner stays at home and takes care of the kids without complaint, because THAT’S OUR F*CKING JOB AS PARENTS."- Robbylution
"NTA."
"Other people don’t get to be mad about how you want to spend your birthday."
"Question: Is he really upset about it because he doesn’t understand it or because he has to take care of the kids all day?"- Disastrous-Nail-640
"NTA."
"But maybe also you don’t need to take responsibility for your husband’s feelings."
"He can feel whatever you said, what you want, and it’s YOUR birthday."
"It’s ok for your wants and needs to take priority once in a while."
"If your husband insists on his idea of what you should want over what you have said out loud that’s bad news about your marriage."- LongjumpingSnow6986
"NTA."
"At all. It's normal to feel burnout when all you literally do is care for other people."
"It's okay to want a day, any day, just to yourself once in a while."- stitch18ih
"Get a hotel room for the weekend."
"Order room service."
"Binge-watch all the things you can’t watch while in Mom mode."
"Drink some adult beverages (if that’s your thing)."
"Chill."
"Relax."
"You deserve it."
"NTA."- Hopper-bayonet
"NTA."
"But this is going to be an uphill battle for you for a long time."
"Does either of you have family in the area?"
"I'm guessing because you're the SAHP and have 4 kids (by 24, I can't imagine!) he secretly feels like he can't take care of them on his own without you."
"You deserve some time off, you are on mom duty 24/7."
"And it doesn't need to be your birthday, you two could figure out one evening a week or something for you to have even just a few hours to yourself."
"Go see a movie, or go out with friends, or take a class in something you're interested in."
"And I think you need to TELL him you're doing this, not ask."- Jerseygirl2468
"NTA at all."
"But your husband's response is concerning."
"Are you able to sit down and have a heart-to-heart with him about why this is important?"
"And also you mention he 'makes you feel guilty' and you 'think he feels some way about it' - is this you projecting or has he explicitly said that he is unhappy / done something specific to make you know this."- Solid_Minute_8550
"NTA."
"You should have a day off at least 2x a month, not just one a year."
"And your husband needs to find some friends so he can have 2 days off a month too."
"It's one thing to prioritize family, but wanting a night out with a friend on your birthday does not equal disloyalty."- crackersucker2
"NTA."
"People are allowed to take some time away from their partners."
"Him making you feel guilty is a red flag in my opinion tho."- microwaveablepasta
"NTA and it’s exactly why I left my ex."
"The guilt tripping over me wanting to spend even a few hours alone drove me to the breaking point."
"It felt manipulative and controlling, and it was the trigger that eventually led me to realize he was a narcissist."
"At least as a single mum, I now get one whole night a week to myself when it’s dad's turn, but then again I also have to deal with a butt-hurt ex for the next 12-years."- MapOfIllHealth
"My instinct is NTA, but I have to ask."
"What do you mean by he makes you feel guilty about going out to do things?"
"Does he actively say or do something that is intended to cause guilt?"
"Like does he say you are choosing other people over your family?"
"Or does he get mad that he had to do childcare?"
"Or are you interpreting the things he does when you get home in ways that causes you to feel guilt?"
"Like does he catch you up with what your kids have been doing while you're away and you feel guilty that you weren't there?"-Maebqueer
"NTA."
"You need your own life and identity outside of being a slave to others."
"The fact that your husband doesn’t want you to have one says a lot."
"He is benefitting from your unhappiness."- Relevant-Shower4783
"NTA."
"You do deserve a day by yourself."
"Go to a spa, go walk around shops, have a quiet lunch and go meet some friends."
"Just because you got kids and a hubby doesn’t mean you don’t get alone time."
"Hubby can have bonding time with the kids."
"They can go to a park, play games, find a jump place and nap."- 9smalltowngirl
"Go to the spa."
"Go to the movies."
"Go sit on a bench and stare into the distance."
"You deserve a day to yourself."
"Happy Birthday!"
"NTA"- Aggravating_Baker557
"NTA and you need to engage in better communication around these issues because this won’t improve over time."
"The two of you have had vastly different experiences as adolescents and young adults, and he needs to understand what that means."- iheartwords
"NTA."
"But possibly suggest you have a birthday with the fam and your present is an afternoon and an evening solo."- julesk
"NTA."
"You deserve alone time and to be your own person. If you start to feel like you HAVE to hang out with your husband, instead of wanting it to, resentment will grow."
"On the other take, I'll be worried about your husband's co-dependency tho, not having friends besides your SO is definitely not normal."-Party_Law1962
A birthday should be about giving them exactly what they want, if only for the day.
To show them how loved and valued they are.
The best way for the OP's husband to show her this is by giving her one day, where the only person she needs to worry about is herself.
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