Asking for help, or accepting help is never an easy thing to do.
Even so, no one should ever feel shame or embarrassment when they find themself in a place that requires them to ask for help, be it from your family or friends.
Things do become problematic, however, when people constantly expect help from others or show little to no gratitude toward the people who come to their rescue.
Redditor Ok-Background8236 was very grateful to receive assistance from his parents after returning to graduate school.
Unfortunately, the original poster (OP)'s boyfriend was taking advantage of the help the OP's parents were providing.
When the OP confronted his boyfriend about this, he was anything but understanding.
Wondering if he was out of line, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**Hole" (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for telling my boyfriend to stop eating so much?"
The OP explained why he was becoming more and more frustrated by the free reign his boyfriend had taken of his refrigerator:
"So some backstory."
"During my (28 M[ale]) undergrad years, my parents paid for my grocery bills because they really (rightfully so) believed that good food is important to a students health."
"I know, my parents are awesome."
"They never set a monthly limit to how much I could spend, but I was really frugal and never went over a $200 limit I imposed on myself."
"Now I'm back in grad school for my masters, and my parents are covering again."
"I know, I'm an adult with a few years of work under my belt now, but not having to worry about groceries lets me chip at rent and loans and other bills without losing sleep."
"I'm back on my extremely frugal way of eating and meal planning because still not gonna take advantage of my parents generosity."
"My (27 M) boyfriend, however, basically inhales all my food every time he's over."
"Like eating all my snacks and legit every frozen meal, all the meat, one time he even ate the other half of a cheese I had already bit into(?!), etc, so he's basically wolfing down my dinner and lunch."
"It's forced me to open my own wallet to accommodate him (because not gonna send my parents a suddenly huge grocery bill) and he's seriously messing up my finances."
"I plan basically down to the dollar."
"We got into arguments and his side is : basically that my parents are gonna cover anyway so I need to stop spending my own money and not worry so much."
"And when I go over to his house I eat his food too (but I don't eat as much as he does?)"
"My arguments are: just because my parents are covering doesn't mean he can eat anything he wants?"
"He legit eats my whole fridge I'm not even joking."
"The only thing he leaves are the vegetables."
'And he could eat less?"
"When we go out he often has leftovers so why eat everything at my place?"
"I've banned him from cooking and using the raw ingredients at my place and I'm only giving him my small stash of snacks when he comes over and after the third time he's not talking to me."
"Honestly this is such a stupid fight but if I am TA then I'll apologize."
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community was in agreement that the OP was not the a**hole for telling his boyfriend to stop eating his food.
Everyone agreed that contrary to what the OP said, this was not a "stupid fight", as the OP's boyfriend was taking flagrant disadvantage of his parents' generosity, something the OP was making every effort to avoid doing.
"I consider it a character flaw when someone freely spends others money."
"Who is he to decide how your parents should spend their money."
"Why is HE entitled to their money or yours?"
"He is effectively trying to reach into another's wallet."
"If he wants to eat - he can pay for food - there is no other moral option."
"I have a lovely niece who has two kids and doing a great job."
"Every week we had family dinner and I would be sure she left with a mountain of leftovers - no cooking, cleaning, shopping for her 4 nights a week."
"Then she gets a new boy toy, and he literally started waiting at their house on family dinner night."
"He would eat it ALL."
"No money for groceries, no take out, no help with bills - just eat and run."
"I was enraged at him and pretty annoyed with her."
"Fortunately, I found out he was allergic to seafood and family dinner became a seafood bounty."
"He is wrong and, more importantly, he is telling you something really important about his character."
"Are you listening?"
"NTA, NTA, NTA."- venturebirdday
"NTA."
"your boyfriend is inconsiderate as hell and it feels like he is more just using you as a food bank so he doesn't have to spend as much money on his own food and it feels like he will likely extend this to other things the more your relationship progresses."
"Also, your boyfriend is being completely inconsiderate of your own parents and by extension feels like he is entitled to do as he pleases through you while actively exploiting you and leaving you hungry."- Maleficent_Night_335
"NTA."
"While he is your partner, he is also a guest in your home and it's just poor manners to eat someone out of house and home."
"By all means, open the snack cabinet to him, but there should be a reasonable expectation that your groceries will last beyond him coming over for a day or two."
"It's also extremely tacky to say that it's all good because your parents foot the bill."- coastalkid92
"This is more of a problem than him eating your food."
"He feels entitled to your food/possessions."
"He feels entitled to your parent's finances!"
"He doesn't care that he leaves little for you."
"He hasn't apologized."
"He doesn't care about your feelings/opinions/wants/needs."
"HE'S A GREEDY A-HOLE!"
"NTA."- 3bag
"NTA."
"If he's eating loads of food at your place, he should be contributing towards it."
"He's using you for free food because your parents are paying."- zoobatron__
"Ew!"
"NTA."
"His entitlement is very concerning."
"This is not someone that is compatible with your goals of planning and being frugal."
"This is how he would be in a marriage."
"Do you want that?"- SnooRecipes9891
"NTA."
"Your parents cover YOUR groceries, not the groceries of the entire neighborhood and their friends."
"If he needs more than you have in your budget, he is basically using your food money to supplement his income."
'Because whatever you are paying more, he is paying less."- Jocelyn-1973
Upon reading everything the Reddit community had to say, the OP later returned with an update, sharing what the future of his relationship had in store:
"Wow this blew up."
"Spent my morning thinking this over lol."
"But here's some updates."
"Some people are worried about the $200 a month, that was ten years ago when I was in undergrad, sorry for the confusion."
"It's closer to $300-400 now, and some months when I get my school's student food bank (I only go if they have too much because I know there's people that actually need it) and it's like $0-100."
"So I guess it's $250-350 average?"
"But yeah, I'm doing alright."
"I didn't mention this but I did cover part of my parents mortgage when I was working after my bachelor's (some people made comments about me leeching off my parents - I am right now but I did help them too….)"
"My parents are angels and they know my friends' birthdays and always tell me to take them out during those months so they're ok with paying for my boyfriend but I'm not."
"Even during undergrad when I dated another guy I thought I wanted to one day marry I never used their money on him."
"I don't use their money on anyone but myself."
"Does that make me selfish?"
"Maybe."
"But honestly I don't really care."
"Lots of people are telling me to dump him."
"Honestly the spark wasn't there anymore for a while because we've been fighting over this and some other stuff for months and a lot of people are telling me this is a respect issue more than a stupid fight like I thought."
"I'm gonna think about how to approach this since he's just ignoring me now lol."
"But yeah, think letting this relationship go might be the right move."
"I think I knew already knew, but sometimes it's hard even if you know it's the right thing to do, y'know?"
A relationship is a partnership, requiring an equal amount of give and take between both members of the couple.
From the sound of it, it seems that the OP's boyfriend doesn't have much concern for anyone other than himself.
Making it hard to argue with those, including the OP, who feel that maybe this relationship has run its course, and it's time to come to an end.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp