For many people, in-laws are the downside of getting married.
This isn’t to say everyone hates their in-laws, indeed, some people look forward to getting married if only to become an official member of their new spouse’s family.
For others, having to be part of their in-laws’ lives is more of a burden, with some grudgingly making an effort to remain on cordial terms. Others never accept each other as family, no matter the strain it causes.
Redditor PutThen9960 was shocked when an invitation to his sister-in-law’s wedding arrived in the mail.
Namely that the original poster (OP)’s wife and children were listed on the invite, but he wasn’t.
This led the OP to make a demand of his wife, one that she flatly refused.
Wondering if his demand was out of line, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where he asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for telling my wife she shouldn’t attend a family wedding if I’m not invited.”
The OP explained what he demanded of his wife when he discovered he was excluded from her sister’s wedding.
“Last weekend my (34 M[ale]) wife (35 F[emale]) received an invitation to her eldest sister’s wedding.”
“The invitation states that she and our three children are invited with no mention of me e.g ‘4 seats have been reserved in honor of wife, child, child, and child’.”
“I was insulted and thought my wife would agree that that is rude, but after she spoke to her mother to clarify if I really wasn’t invited, she said she is still planning to attend.”
“I said it wouldn’t be fair for her to go without me and that I don’t give consent for my children to go without their father.”
“She said I’m being unreasonable as her nieces and nephews will be there, and it’s a big family event.”
“My argument is that if it’s so important the whole family attends, then I should be invited.”
“If not, then it can’t be that important, and she shouldn’t go.”
“Who’s the a**hole here?”
The OP later returned in the comments section to offer some clarity as to why his sister-in-law intentionally excluded him from her wedding.
“There was an issue of chronic infidelity on my part that we have dealt with as a couple and moved forward from.”
“Around that time, they also decided they didn’t like an arrangement my wife and I had, which is that she worked for my company off the books.”
“My business now makes enough to pay her a salary, so that’s not an issue anymore, but things were difficult when trying to get the business off the ground.”
“The infidelity was almost ten years ago, and my wife and I got past it and went on to have our youngest two children.”
“And until recently, the family had been fine to keep things amicable.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The OP found little to no support from the Reddit community, who all but unanimously agreed that he was the a**hole for demanding his wife skip her sister’s wedding.
Learning of the OP’s adulterous past, as well as taking advantage of her professionally, only made the Reddit community condemn his actions all the more. Many pointed out that regardless of his past, he was in no position to tell his wife what she could and could not do.
“I wouldn’t want you at my wedding if I were them.”
“Your wife clearly doesn’t want you there all that much either because she’s just going along with it.”
“Trying to strong-arm her into either A) missing the wedding, or B) putting up a big enough stink that they decide to let you come (but actually hate you and wish you weren’t there) makes you an even bigger AH.”- Sokodal
“YTA, this is called consequences of your actions.”
“You got your wife to move passed it.”
“Her family has not.”
“You should have kept your mouth shut to your SIL.”
“What drama did she cause that required your input?”
“If it wasn’t about you, stfu.”
“Because you haven’t earned your spot back in the family after what you did.”
“If it WAS, about you, way to go for somehow still causing strife in the family.”
“If you give a sh*t about your wife, you would be working HARD to not cause trouble in the family.”
“What you did wasn’t a single incident to be forgotten.”
“You knowingly and intentionally did harm over the course of months, if not years.”
“Now, you want to punish your wife by ruining a family wedding.”
“You want to take the children away to punish everyone you caused harm to.”
“The kids likely want to be at this wedding but all you can think of is yourself and your petty plan to make sure no one ever forgets what an a**hole you are.”
“Let them go to the wedding.”
“Find something else to do that day that doesn’t include cheating.”
“Start showing your wife that her happiness matters to you and stop proving everyone right as to why you should be excluded from this wedding.”- Hot_mess4ever
“YTA next time keep your d*ck in your pants and respect your marriage.”
“I hope you paid her for all the work she did ‘off the books’ Hopefully she leaves you sooner rather than later.”- CakeZealousideal1820
‘What did you do so that the entire family doesn’t consider you family?”
“I’m seeing a bit of it in your post.”
“You don’t give consent?”
“I’m sensing what I believe is the real issue.”- trishsf
“You’re a cheater.”
“Actions have consequences. You need to learn to live with yours.”
“I wouldn’t want you at my wedding either.”- sc0tth
“YTA for cheating, for not getting why you’re not wanted, for not accepting the consequences, for not telling the full story.”- DuntishChap
“Don’t f*ck around behind your wife’s back while financially abusing her if you want to be included by her family.”- turingthecat
“You didn’t offer an explanation for why your children shouldn’t attend, and why that would be for you alone to decide.”
“Why do they need to suffer the consequences for the bad blood between you and your in-laws?”
“Keep that between you and your in-laws, and let your kids enjoy the wedding.”- FabulousNoise3237
“YTA because this isn’t about what’s ‘fair’.”
“You have what you describe as a ‘strained’ relationship with your in-laws.”
“The right thing to do is not to block your wife and children’s relationship with their family.”
“That is unfair (and selfish) and will cause your relationship with your in-laws to become even more strained.”
‘Be the bigger person.”
“Buy a generous gift and wave your family off at the airport.”
“Maybe your in-laws will start to see you differently.”
“Who knows, you might even be invited to the next wedding.”- Moose-Live
“you’re painting a false narrative as if this is some kind of etiquette breach with you as the wronged party, but you cheated on your wife multiple times, and have burned all your bridges with her family, so it’s no surprise that they no longer want anything to do with you.”
‘Your wife is an ADULT and is free to make her own choices.”
“You do not get to micromanage her life and if she wants to attend a major family event – that you were not invited to – that is her right, and she can take HER children if they want to go see their cousins.”
“Doubling down and ignoring the fact that YOUR actions screwed up these relationships is NO path to fixing this.”
“Get off your high horse and take ownership of the results of your bad behaviors.”- TrainingDearest
‘So your wife’s family doesn’t like you because of your ‘chronic infidelity’ and the fact that you had your wife working off the books for your business.”
“So they see a person who is only invested in themselves.”
“What have you done to show them you’ve changed?”
“You showed them what type of person you are, and it was one they didn’t like.”
“Now they’re sitting back and giving your wife an out if it’s ever needed.”
“I say good for them.”
“The onus is on YOU to fix that strained relationship cause you’re the who f*cked it up.”
“IDK why you had to have your wife confirm you were left off intentionally. I’d have been shocked to be included.”
“You’re NTA for being upset about this, but YTA for telling your wife she and your kids can’t attend, and for the ‘chronic infidelity’.”- Rhades
After reading the responses from the Reddit community, the OP returned, admitting he was in the wrong, if not in the most contrite manner.
“Okay, I get it I’m in the wrong. I’ll let my kids go.”
“Everyone can stop hounding me about old mistakes that I’ve already thoroughly repented for.”
It’s rather baffling that the OP, seemingly aware of why his sister-in-law didn’t invite him to her wedding, thought the solution was to ban his wife from attending.
Rather than make any effort towards forgiveness or getting on better terms with his in-laws.
Perhaps the OP hasn’t repented for his mistakes quite as thoroughly as he thought, as it seems he has quite a way to go before he’s forgiven by his in-laws.