Every marriage has its secrets even if you refuse to believe it.
It could be something as small as withholding information like your embarrassing childhood crush or guilty pleasure song.
On the other hand it could hold a little more weight like what actually went down at the bachelorette party or that the child your spouse raised from birth isn't actually his.
Yeah, that last one's a doozy, but a man on Reddit is navigating that recently-outed secret right now, so he turned to the "Am I The A**hole Here" (AITAH) subReddit to seek feedback from fellow Redditors after he chose to divorce his wife after she made the revelation.
Redditor No-Bottle4059 asked:
"AITAH for starting the divorce process after finding out my daughter isn't mine?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My life feels like a bad drama show at the moment."
"For some context me(33/M[ale]) and my wife (30/F[emale]) have been married for 7 years and what i thought was our daughter is 3."
"Looking back this all started after my wife gave birth to her daughter."
"She suddenly became a lot more affectionate to me was a lot more active with me in the bedroom life."
"She also made my favorite desserts a lot more often(she is an fantastic baker)."
"I of course didn't suspect anything since even prior to her pregnancy there were no signs of cheating but also possibly could be that just didn't look close enough into it."
But then OP's wife came clean.
"Well this whole fiasco started 2 weeks ago after a day out with her daughter and she just sat me down in the evening and came clean about the fact that her daughter wasn't mine her waterworks of course also started and apparently it was a guy from the gym and it lasted a month before he disappeared on her after he found out she was pregnant."
"Honestly even typing this now i feel like crying since i thought i did everything perfectly but she still cheated."
"As much as i wish i could say i had a stoneface or something i just started crying and she tried to comfort me but i just pushed her away i felt so disgusted with her."
"After i had calmed down a bit i just grabbed my jacket and left for a hotel and while i was leaving she just begged and pleaded me to forgive her and that i was the only father her daughter knew."
"After crying myself to sleep in the hotel the next day after i turned my phone back on i had seen she had blown up my phone and i didn't read any of it and just blocked her."
OP decided the marriage was not going to work after ingesting that new information.
"I after having a little bit of breakfast contacted a lawyer to start the divorce process and at work i just asked for some time off and my boss gave me a month off."
But not everyone felt OP was reacting reasonably.
"By the evening my mom and sister were calling me on her behalf and were on her side and that just hurt me even more. While i'm not proud to admit this i did drink myself to sleep that night."
"After that night i started staying with my best friend and my mom and sister kept spamming and calling me."
And once OP started the process, things really got heated.
"A few days later after she probably got the divorce papers my mom just sent me a long text that to summarize was that i should step up and forgive her and not abandon 'my' daughter and that she woud disown me if i went through with the divorce."
"My sister and mom are against me divorcing her but my best friend and his wife are saying i have the right not to want to be with her or take care of her kid."
"I'm split on this on one hand i did raise the baby for 3 years on another i don't know if i could in the right mind raise the reminder of my wife her affair."
OP offered some additional information to explain why he thinks his family had an adverse reaction.
"To put some context my sister is infertile, so i think that's also partly why my mom doesn't want me to continue the divorce since she will lose her 'grandchild.'"
Redditors weighed in on the situation with the overwhelming majority declaring OP is not the a**hole (NTA).
"You are not wrong, OP; she only stopped the affair because he split after finding out she was pregnant, and only after a month, she was already sleeping with him without protection."
"I smell bullsh*t."
"What would she have done if he had taken responsibility for the child? Most likely run off with gym guy."
"You are her backup after he left her."
"I'm sorry this happened to you."
"You can still be in the child's life, but I would get into therapy before making any other decisions, but the divorce is 100% justified NTA" - JTD177
"Nta."
"Your wife also lied to you every single day for three years." - SpookyRatCreature
"Even if you love the kid, it doesn't change the fact that your wife betrayed you and lied about it for years."
"I'd say NTA" - LukeHeart
"Alright, ask your mom and sister if they would raise their husband's affair baby and stay with them?"
"Your stbx wife doesn't get a hall pass just because she FINALLY confessed."
"Although I'm genuinely curious as to what made her confess, I wonder if someone found out and threatened to tell you."
"She lied through her whole pregnancy and for three years after."
"It sucks, but the child is young enough now that it's better for a clean break."
"You can break from your unsupportive mother and sister too because fuck them for siding with a cheater. NTA" - Rowana133
"Your family taking the side of the cheating liar is hard. They may be 'family,' but not Family."
"Your wife cheated, lied for years, and would have dumped you if her AP didn't see how horrible she was when she didn't get off on the thought of cucking you."
"Run." - fanastril
"NTA - Every hug and kiss you gave that little baby since one day was based on a lie."
"You will never be able to forgive or trust your wife again."
"If you lose your mum and sister at the same time, so be it."
"When you were at your lowest in your life, they did not have your back and sided with your abuser."
"Take it easy. This is going to be a tough few months." - floatingvan
"Not your kid, not your problem."
"Dont fall for the tears. NTA" - AdvocatingForPain
Many also noted that OP's sister and mother should have no say in how he proceeds with his marriage.
"This happened to you. Not to your mom and not to your sister."
"You will have to find a way to deal with this immense betrayal and pain in a way that is best for you."
"During this healing phase, you need to surround yourself with those who support you. And block (temporarily or indefinitely) those making this hell even harder for you."
"You will break down if you don't."
"You want a divorce, you get a divorce. No discussion."
"Also, if you do want to remain in the child's life, understand that you don't have to be married to the mother in order to do so. (I take it you're on the birth certificate?)"
"Remaining in the child's life might end up being very painful for you in the future should the child decide to seek out and build a relationship with their biological father."
"It might also be the case that the child will bring you love and happiness, albeit a complicated form of love and happiness."
"This is something you will consider as time passes."
"And whatever you choose is your prerogative."
"Some will agree, some won't. It's not about them."
"I'd continue with the divorce as that seems to be your strongest instinct and take it from there." - blablablablaparrot
"Ask your sister if she'd raise her husband's affair baby and ask your mom if thats what she did to your dad and thats why they're so supportive of cheating." - Legitimate-Fudge5042
"Your mom and sister can pay to raise the kid since they are the only auntie and granny she knows..."
"I understand that the kid is innocent in all this, but not only did your wife betray you before and during the affair, but how many years was she going to let this go on??"
"Was she actually hoping that you would stay because you had been her parent for three years?"
"That time and guilt alone would force you to stay and raise another man's child?"
"That to me, sounds like an even worse betrayal since it's pure manipulation for financial security" - VegetableBusiness897
According to his fellow Redditors, OP is by no means in the wrong for wanting to end his marriage, which many noted was based on a lie.
Unfortunately for OP, though, he still has an upset sister and mother on his hands.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp