It’s never really a great idea to air family secrets publicly.
Especially during a family meal.
Every time that happens that there seem to be broad casualties.
Case in point…
Redditor Thunderbear998 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback. So naturally, they came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
They asked:
“AITA for telling my extended family how many men (roughly) my sister has slept with after she outed our youngest brother as a virgin?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“We had a family dinner this evening.”
“My family has four kids in total: me, my elder sister (29 F[emale]), younger sister (24 F[female]), and youngest brother (22 M[ale]).”
“Extended family attended our family dinner.”
‘So all of our significant others, our cousins, aunts, and uncles, etc.”
“During the dinner, my elder sister and youngest brother got into a mild disagreement.”
“My sister seemed (at least to me) to be coming across as very aggressive out of frustration and losing said argument.”
“The two of them were too absorbed in their argument to realize the rest of us were getting a bit fed up.”
“Eventually my sister got really fed up and said ‘Shut up, I’m not going to argue with a 22-year-old virgin.'”
“My brother hadn’t done any personal attacks up until that point, it was completely unprovoked.”
“I think it might have been the alcohol as my sister is a mean drunk.”
“Anyway, I immediately told my sister to grow up and that she was making an embarrassment of herself.”
“She replied by saying everyone knows he’s a virgin and she didn’t say anything wrong.”
“This annoyed me as my brother definitely has confidence issues and doesn’t need to be made fun of like this.”
“So I responded by saying how she slept with well over a hundred men while she was in college, and that since everyone in the family knows this it’s not a big deal, right?”
“Turns out her husband didn’t know this amazingly.”
“I genuinely assumed he must have known.”
“He left the party angrily saying my sister mislead him about her past.”
“Family is blaming me for their marital problems.”
“I refuse to accept I did anything wrong.”
“My sister bullied my brother in front of everyone, all I did was give her a taste of her own medicine.”
“AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP and everyone else is a mess here. So ESH.
“ESH. One person making personal attacks doesn’t mean someone else should–especially since you weren’t even in the argument to begin with.” ~ JitteryGoat
“Yeah ESH seems right, not cool of her to be going after his brother like that.”
“But there were much better ways of defusing the argument than stooping to her level of personal attack, regardless of the aftermath.” ~sammywestside
“I mean, neither is being a virgin.”
“OP’s sister still decided to use the brother’s sexual history as an attack, which ultimately made it fair game for her own history to be weaponized.”
“I’m not saying OP is right to do this, because she isn’t, but it is fair play… especially if it had been the brother who made the comeback.”
“The fact that OP wasn’t even in the argument doesn’t help her case at all.” ~ REDDIT
“NTA. I disagree.”
“Fire with fire is justified if the other person is making a claim a certain a**hole behavior is not a**holeish.”
“If they claim that and then whine when it comes back to them, it just makes them a blatantly hypocritical a**hole.”
“Everyone in this sub likes to spout two wrongs don’t make a right, but you are missing the fact that the sister thinks this is supposedly acceptable.”
“So he’s just returning to her what she thinks is an acceptable conversation topic.”
I honestly fail to see how that makes him the a**hole.” ~ KeyLimePie1810
“I still say ESH.”
“As long as you have been tested and are upfront about anything medical then I don’t see why a new partner needs to know your sexual history; specifically how many partners you’ve had.”
“The comment said ‘she lied’ but OP said ‘mislead.'”
“That could mean withholding information, which in this case isn’t lying.”
“Withholding information about an STD would be though.” ~ REDDIT
“That’s probably true for most families but this family clearly places a lot of value on it.”
“Using the number of people someone has had sex with to shame them is weird in either direction.”
“Maybe my wife and I are strange or prudes, but I never asked my wife about her body count prior to meeting me and we have been together for 22 years and married for 19 of those years.”
“I can’t see why it would matter other than for STI/STD purposes but that could be an issue whether someone has had sex with 1 person or 1,000 people.”
“But, yeah. ESH for making the extended family listen to their childish arguments over dinner.”
“Edit: I want to be clear that I don’t think my wife is hiding anything or ‘misleading’ me.”
“I was 30 and she was 33 when we started dating each other, so I didn’t assume virginity.”
“I do know that she had sex for the first time during her sophomore year of college (right before her 20th birthday actually) with her college boyfriend.”
“That came up naturally.”
“I also know she broke up with a long-term boyfriend about a year before we started dating.”
“Again, that came up naturally.”
“I don’t know how many people she has been with total and don’t really give a sh*t.”
“If it comes up then it comes up but it’s not something I need to know and I wouldn’t feel lied to if the number was higher than I thought.”
“It’s not my business.” ~ Mannings4head
“This. Also, if the sister didn’t have a problem with her past, she wouldn’t have hidden it from the husband.”
“She also wouldn’t have decided on a partner whom she has to pretend to be someone else around.”
“I’m not saying she should have had a problem with her past, but she does.”
“Maybe she regrets it and hasn’t come to terms.”
“Maybe she truly loves this guy and opted to lie rather than make herself vulnerable with the truth.”
“He could have very well rejected her from the get-go, but if she were secure in herself, she would have realized that it’s better off this way.”
“Point is, it’s a sore point for her.”
“And she KNOWS that her brother’s virginity is a sore point for him.”
“I’m sure she also KNOWS that she turns into an intolerable person when she drinks.”
“But she does it anyway; she is not considerate of other people’s feelings despite people being considerate of hers.”
“Until one of them finally got tired of it (OP).”
“I voted NTA.” ~ mockingbird82
“ESH. Your sister obviously was the a**hole for spouting off about your brother with hurtful intentions.”
“But you were also TA for doing the same thing back to her (even though you were just sticking up for your brother).”
“Your family is TA for blaming you for the marital problems because your sister created those problems herself by ‘misleading; her husband about her past.” ~ vodka_philosophy
“ESH except your brother.”
“There’s nothing wrong with being a virgin or having an active sexual past.”
“You tried to fight fire with fire by shaming your sister.”
“I completely understand why you reacted how you did and I think a lot of people can relate and may have acted the same.”
“At the end of the day, you suck for bringing it up how you did because your intent was to make her feel bad.”
“I also can’t imagine your extended family knew about her sexual past.”
“She sucks for calling your brother that, not telling her husband, and for continuing to be an a** when you confronted her.”
“However, if it’s true that every single person at the table with the exception of the husband knew about her sexual past and you genuinely thought he did you are not an a**hole for them having marital problems.”
“She should’ve told him that.”
“You just suck for trying to put her down in front of a group of people so you’re not any better than her.” ~ frecklesxmcgee
“As much as I want to say ESH I can’t give that opinion.”
“I have to give you NTA.”
“You were defending your brother that has confidence issues.”
“Your sister was attacking him for no reason.”
“And she probably knew what she said was going to hurt him and his confidence quite a bit.”
“And get under his skin (not only that but as a guy that’s a very embarrassing comment to say in public to someone).”
“You dished it back to her to defend your brother.”
“And honestly two wrongs don’t make it right but if your sister is gonna say something so personal and hurtful that she more than likely knows is personal and hurtful she got what’s coming to her.”
“Your brother definitely appreciated it.” ~ Derp2638
Well OP, this is a mess.
Reddit has many thoughts.
A lot of family tea was spilled.
Maybe it’s best to save it for therapy… or maybe just not at the dinner table with the whole family there.