Content Warning: Vaginismus, Medical Concern, Dead Bedroom
Intimacy in relationships can come in many different forms, and they don’t all “end” in the bedroom, but most would agree that at least some time should be spent in the bedroom, or the relationship wouldn’t last.
But sometimes outside issues, like medical problems, could prevent intimacy from looking like traditional intimacy, and couples have to work together to decide what they can accept in order for the relationship to work, pointed out the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
A Redditor, who has since deleted his account, had been with a woman for six years who already struggled with a condition called Vaginismus before they got together, which made penetrative sex painful, if not impossible, and certainly not a frequent act.
After six years and many attempts on his partner’s part to make the situation work, the Original Poster (OP) decided he needed another relationship in order for his needs to be met.
He asked the sub:
“Am I the a**hole for ending a six-year relationship because my partner’s vaginismus made me lose sexual and emotional interest?”
The OP and his ex-girlfriend journeyed together through medical treatments to help her.
“My ex (26 Female) and I (26 Male) were together for six years.”
“Early on, I learned she had a condition that made penetration impossible, but I loved her and thought we could figure things out over time. For years, our sex life was limited to oral and manual stuff.”
“A couple of years in, I encouraged her to seek medical help. She went to appointments, did physiotherapy, and got dilators, but despite all the effort, nothing changed. Eventually, we both stopped trying. She seemed unfazed, still affectionate and sexual in other ways, while my desire slowly disappeared. Along with it, my emotional connection began fading, too.”
The OP’s ex-girlfriend tried to fight for him, too.
“We fell into a cycle: she’d notice me pulling away, confront me, and I’d explain my detachment and sexual frustration.”
“This always turned into fights over whose ‘fault’ it was that things weren’t improving. She said I wasn’t trying enough.”
“Meanwhile, my life got busier between pursuing a degree and starting a new business, and the relationship started feeling like a burden instead of something I wanted.”
“I began therapy and realized I felt trapped, unable to express what I wanted without setting off another argument.”
The relationship ended on terrible terms.
“I knew I wanted to end things. We agreed to do it gradually over the course of a couple months.”
“I even agreed to find a new place and let her keep the apartment, but after a heated fight, it ended after a month.”
“Recently, I heard from mutual friends that she’s telling people I was toxic and put her in an impossible situation.”
“So I’m wondering: was I unreasonable? Am I the a**hole for leaving?”
“AITAH?
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some empathized with the OP’s ex-partner, claiming to have needed surgery and antidepressants to help with their conditions.
“For anyone with vaginismus, this is just my experience- I had it my whole life and did everything OP’s gf did without resolve, but the one thing that completely worked was going on Prozac for about half a year. It might not work for everyone, but I think it mentally allowed me to unclench my body subconsciously. I hope this helps someone.” – Direct-Ad-2096
“I had it my whole life, too, and the only thing that worked for me is surgery. It literally changed my life (for the better). I wish a surgical option were discussed more for this extremely common problem. I’m just commenting here as a different potential solution in case it helps someone.” – bananafan48
“What worked for me was a breakup. Vaginismus solved in less than a week.” – plavun
“Vaginismus is terrible enough for a person to have to deal with but knowing that something wrong with your body is causing someone you care about to move on, is very hard to deal with. You aren’t doing anything wrong here, unfortunately, it’s a super crappy situation all around…” – Korlod
“It’s genuinely one of the worst feelings I’ve experienced. I work on myself mentally through therapy. I have varied skills and interests. I know without a doubt that I’d make a good partner. But there are a lot of women out there with the same attributes who don’t have chronic illnesses/disabilities, so why would someone choose me? A lot of words to say: you’re not alone.” – thatspookyb***h
“I’m sure she’s probably insecure about it, and getting broken up with over it probably hurts a lot since it’s something she can’t control, and her efforts to fix it have fallen flat.”
“It probably isn’t right of her to call OP toxic over it, since he’s been clear and communicating needs aren’t being met, and ultimately that became an incompatibility that he couldn’t get over. Which is completely Valid of OP, and I don’t think that’s toxic in and of itself.”
“But I can imagine she may feel very hurt and is lashing out and justifying the breakup to feel less bad about it.” – GracefulKitty
Others openly lashed out at the OP for being so inconsiderate to his partner, especially after everything she did to try to make their relationship work.
“Getting broken up with specifically because of ‘the thing I was anxious and constantly worried was going to be a problem that they told me we would work through and reassured me about ended up being too much of a problem for them’ is soul-crushing.”
“It also just reaffirms the anxiety and negative feelings around it for the individual. Like if I were her, it’d just make me more anxious about it being a critical issue for my next partner too, and it can be a vicious spiral.” – Laxit00
“The idea to end the relationship gradually over months is insane. Why would you want to drag it out like that? You have every right to the relationship, but why make it worse for her to accept and move on from?” – ruta_skadi
“She didn’t gaslight you in the slightest. It sounds like she did her best to treat it, and it didn’t work. She’s allowed to feel hurt by the breakup when you had six years together.” – bell-no-princess
“YTA, but not for the breakup. You keep saying (in comments as well as the post) that you’re upset that after trying every treatment available besides a risky, possibly debilitating surgery, your girlfriend started to act like it was a you problem.”
“What that tells me is that she tried everything she could and then accepted that her disability was not fixable, but then had you frequently expressing your displeasure at the way she is ‘broken.’ Her condition couldn’t be cured, so the only thing you can accomplish with that is to have her take on part of your emotional burden about the things you haven’t accepted.”
“Then you come on Reddit to complain that she’s telling your friends you were toxic. It looks to me like you very much were. Being upset she wouldn’t risk incontinence, worsened pain during sex, and inability to orgasm over a condition she had accepted but you could not is pretty telling.”
“As is how many times in the comments you’ve made it clear that your fights occurred when you confronted her about the way her disability made you feel and were displeased when she didn’t beat herself up over it for you.”
“I would be really interested to hear from her perspective because you come across to me as not very self-aware with a bit of a victim complex (the ‘oh, so I had to stay and not have sex or I’m a monster’ in the comments isn’t helping).” – Viener-Schnitzel
“Imagine if she went through surgery for the sake of OP, and it caused her lifelong issues that would affect him even more. He would dump her, and she would have ruined her life for nothing.”
“OP has zero empathy, all because he can’t do something he said was fine not to do when the relationship was founded.” – GoblinTaste
“You’re not an a**hole for wanting penetrative sex. Lots of people want that and equate it with intimacy. So I don’t think you’re wrong for ultimately ending the relationship. At the end of the day, it’s about compatibility. You both deserve someone who can satisfy you each sexually, and it sounds like neither of you was truly able to achieve that.”
“You ARE an a**hole for acting like she did nothing to try and help the situation and repeatedly saying she was ‘gaslighting’ you. In your post, you say she went to appointments, did physiotherapy, and tried dilators, but none of it worked. It really sounds like, beyond the possibility of a psychological connection, she tried everything she could except for surgery.”
“You even allude to an unwillingness of her to try surgery in the comments. Her exhausting all options, but being unwilling to have surgery is not her refusing to try and change anything. It’s also not her gaslighting you. Vaginismus surgery can cause many adverse complications and side effects and still leave the problem unsolved.”
“Vaginismus surgery side effects include vaginal pain, difficulties with urination, difficulty or inability to reach orgasm, and additional pain when trying to have penetrative sex. If she is able to to have orgasms and urinate regularly right now, despite being unable to have penetrative sex, it’s very reasonable for her to not want to risk a surgery that could cause issues and take her ability to orgasm at all.”
“Nobody else in the comments seemed to catch that your post said your girlfriend tried multiple solutions (including ones that were physically uncomfortable for her), but that you’re in the comments alluding to surgery and acting like she refused to do anything to resolve this. And I felt someone needed to call you out on that.”
“So her comments about you being toxic DO hold some weight. Because you’re going around telling everyone that she was gaslighting you and making you carry the entire load of resolving this issue, when what you actually mean is that she tried everything but a major surgery that has high risks of causing her prolonged complications for the rest of her life.”
“If you want to be frustrated she wouldn’t risk normal urination, added pain, or losing her ability to orgasm overall, then say that. Don’t twist the truth and use therapy terms to make her look bad.” – daytimedeity
The subreddit could understand how this was a complicated issue and that intimacy look and felt different to the OP and to his former partner, but they also could understand how hurtful it was for a relationship to end after this long, and after so many attempts to make it work.
The OP might not be wrong to disagree with his ex-partner about how he wanted intimacy to feel, but to diminish all of her attempts to make it work was much more hurtful than her telling her friends that she felt like he’d been toxic in the end, because in all reality, maybe he had been.