People’s different standards of cleanliness can wreak havoc on a relationship. And for one woman on Reddit, it resulted in a huge conflict with her fiancé after she got fed up with his messy ways.
She wasn’t sure about how she handled things, so she went to the AITA (Am I The A**hole) subReddit for perspective.
The Original Poster (OP), who goes by Thr91072 on the site, asked:
“AITA for telling him to move back to the pig pen he came from?”
She explained:
“I hit a breaking point last night. My fiance comes from filth. His whole family is absolutely disgusting in a sense of they can be surrounded by garbage and still think it’s normal. His family home, which has been given to his sister, has an entire garage that is currently being used as a dumpster and every single corner of her home is packed up tighter than a bulls a** with nothing but clutter/dog hair/dead mice.”
“You cannot see the floors in any of the 8 rooms this home has. Its not a hoarding issue. It’s a ‘I dont want to clean’ issue. So this is what he is used to.”
“I claim that I have been bullsh*tted because when my fiance and I got in to a place, he was exhibiting signs of a clean person. As in always cleaned up after himself and our home NEVER looked even remotely close to that of his family home and he did help me clean frequently. Like I said, I have now hit a breaking point and I’m pretty certain he only did this to make me think he was better than that.”
“In the past year he has done the dishes twice. He has cleaned once. If he cooks, which is incredibly rare, he leaves everything he uses out on the table (full milk jugs, butter, cheese, etc) and dirties every pan in the house. I have brought it up several times.”
“I’m not a fu*king maid. I shouldn’t have to put things away that he fails to put away after using. Even if he makes himself cereal he will still leave both the cereal and the milk on the counter versus walk 5 steps to put it away. He will take his dirty clothes off and kick him over by our dresser versus put them in the hamper behind him.”
“He will leave his dirty clothes in the bathroom for weeks until I finally cave and do the cleaning myself. When I mention how trashed the house is, he says it isnt even that bad. When I get pissed and start rage cleaning, he makes comments asking me to calm down. OTHER THAN THIS THE MAN IS GREAT. Treats me great, loves me unconditionally.”
“So last night I woke up around 1am and found milk on the counter again. At this point it was warm so I assume it had been there for hours. I lost it. I was so tired of telling him to pick up after himself that I told him to go move back in to the pig pen that he came from.”
“It wasnt just the milk. It was also all of his clothing bags and travel bags that were strewn all over the kitchen, as well as finding the dog had been left out of the kennel and got in to the garbage AND the cat had dragged his dirty clothing from the bathroom in to her liter box. He says I’m acting irrationally and he simply ‘forgets’ because he has ADHD (undiagnosed so theres that). AITA?”
People on Reddit were then asked to judge who is in the wrong in this situation based on the following categories:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
And while responses varied, most people felt pretty firmly that OP’s fiancé is crossing a line when it comes to messiness.
“NTA. OP, sit down with this man and say that this is a breaking point for you. That he either cleans up after himself, or he moves out. If it’s his ADHD, he needs to be cleaning while he gets treatment. If you need to create a chore chart, do that.”
“Say you are willing to help him create a plan to be successful, but after that, he needs to be an adult and follow through with it. If you’ve been wedding planning, stop your plans. Tell him you will not marry a pig, nor an irresponsible adult. You need a partner, not a child.” –crystallz2000
“I’m kinda f–ing petty and vindictive, so I’d just start to collect the sh*t he leaves laying around everywhere (clothes, food, whatever) in trashbags and toss it out with the rest of the garbage, while naturally leaving him to pay most or all of the grocery bill since he is the one who ruins food by leaving it out.” –insideisdead
“Like if this guy had a kid would be leave the kid in a dirty diaper and not feed him cause of laziness? If op got sick would this dude give her spoiled food? Take care of her? Or anything? Cause massive laziness from a SO is what creates discord in relationships. Red flag Op. nta.” –inufan18
“Just a counterpoint cuz I see this a lot (btw I agree with you. This ain’t cool and dude needs to clean up after himself) but people like this generally aren’t expecting you to be their maid. We’re assuming they care about the mess but want us to take care of it.”
“The truth is, they genuinely do not care. They don’t. The mess does not matter to them. It just doesn’t. I live with a family of people like this and it drove me up the wall thinking they expected me to be their maid. But they don’t. The mess bothers me. It doesn’t bother them.”
“And I’m talking situations like this woman’s. Their dog pissed on the carpet and I refused to clean it once. Stain was there in the middle of the living room for months. There’s trash all over the floors in their bedrooms and moldy dishes and clothes everywhere. If I didn’t clean the main spaces they’d be the same (from experience). They’ve explicitly told me they don’t want me helping with their spaces.”
“So she’s probably not fighting a battle of not being this guys maid. She’s fighting a battle of where their base line of what is acceptable to live in is ok. She likes clean he is fine with a sty.” –befuddledmama
“ADHD definitely doesn’t excuse this. My wife has (untreated*) ADHD and sometimes she forgets to put the milk away, but that’s like, 2-3 times a YEAR, not every time. It sounds like he just doesn’t care. I like the comment from u/befuddledmama — it’s likely he just doesn’t see it as a problem, so he doesn’t put any effort into it.”
“The key point to me is that you see it as a problem and have communicated that, but rather than coming up with solutions or compromising, he’s committed to his current ways. What would bother me in your shoes is that he doesn’t care that it’s affecting you negatively and isn’t willing to come to some sort of compromise that will suit you both.”
“(*She’s diagnosed but hates the side effects of the meds and we make it work within the limits of what she can do/does do.)” –queenthistle
“Yeah I had undiagnosed ADHD until age 28 and have been diagnosed/treated for the last 6 months. Occasionally forgetting to do things like this can be an ADHD thing. Absolutely refusing to even try when asked is not. Treatment absolutely helps with this but even before receiving diagnosis and treatment I would always make an effort to take better care of the house when reminded.”
“This man straight up does not care how much his lack of cleanliness standards are affecting his wife’s mental health – but his mental health makes it so that she’s not allowed to bring it up at all? Nope, not how that works.” –frecklebitch8710
“He probably does have ADHD. He should get diagnosed and get help. But OP is NTA, unless he really gets his shit together OP do you really want to spend the rest of your life like this? I don’t care how great he is otherwise, marry this and this is ALL you will see and it will drive you insane forever. Unless he truly sees the error of his ways and makes huge strides to get better (which can happen with treatment) he’s just going to drive you crazy.” –jsteele2793
“NTA. I’ve just recently been diagnosed with ADHD at over 40, and many of the challenges that I’d had suddenly make sense. I certainly struggled with keeping a clean house at times (even though I love a clean house!) But, as a grown up, I’d have to find strategies to get it done.”
For one, my pups deserve a safe and tidy place to exist, and another, basic hygiene is a requirement for life. Keeping food out to spoil, not ensuring pets can’t get into potentially dangerous things, and not cleaning – even once every week or two when it’s rough – is not okay. It’s hard as hell sometimes, but we have to find a way to do it.”
I’ve tried a million (okay, so probably more like a hundred but it feels like a lot) different strategies to get it one (one of my most successful for the longest time is have a list of each room in the house, set my Fitbit timer for 5 minutes, and once a day do a round. I don’t finish that room each time, but it’s amazing what 5 minutes can do! Then I get to check off the list, which makes my brain very happy lol).”
“A huge problem here is that YOU are his strategy to clean. You do it. He doesn’t have to.”
“I think if you don’t want this to be the rest of your life, you may have to think about a different future. It doesn’t have to be emotionally apart, but perhaps individual living spaces or separate apartments might be the way to go. Good luck! I absolutely wouldn’t have lasted a year – you’ve given it more than enough time.” –there_is_no_why
Hopefully OP can find a way to get through to her fiancé.