For some people, the most important thing they'll ever do is have and raise their children.
Sometimes this is to the point that they'll be difficult for new parents to be around, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Time_Age_6326 had a strained relationship with her mother-in-law, especially since her young daughter was born.
Not only did her mother-in-law regularly second-guess her choices, but the Original Poster (OP) was shocked and furious when her mother-in-law completely changed the nursery she decorated for her child.
She asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting for being furious that my mother-in-law rearranged my baby's nursery, threw out my things, and not apologizing now that my husband says I'm 'making a scene' about it?"
The OP had a strained relationship with her mother-in-law (MIL).
"I (30 Female) have been married to my husband Daniel (32 Male) for four years. We have a five-month-old daughter, Nora."
"My MIL, Carol, lives about 40 minutes away and has been helping since Nora was born."
"Last Thursday I had my first appointment away from the baby, a dentist visit I'd rescheduled twice. Carol offered to watch Nora at our house for two hours; I said yes."
Carol went far beyond "helping" while the OP was out of the house.
"I came home to find my nursery completely different. The crib was moved to the opposite wall, away from the window; the changing table was on the other side of the room."
"Even the curtains I picked out were gone. In their place were plain white ones Carol brought from her own house. I asked where my curtains were. She said, 'In the hall closet. They were too heavy; they're a hazard. I read about it.'"
"Then I noticed the little sleep sack routine I'd set up was undone. She'd swapped the sleep sack for a loose blanket 'because Nora looked cold.'"
"I calmly took the blanket out of the crib and explained that we follow safe sleep guidelines from our pediatrician, which means no loose blankets."
"Carol got teary and said, 'I raised three healthy children. I think I know how to keep a baby warm.'"
"I said I appreciated her help, but Nora's sleep setup wasn't something to change without asking us."
The OP's husband called her out and demanded she apologize to his mother.
"She left in tears. Twenty minutes later, Daniel called me from work and said, 'Mom said you snapped at her and made her cry after she spent her day helping. Can you just apologize? She means well.'"
"I said I didn't snap, and I'd be glad to thank her for the help, but I wasn't going to apologize for following our pediatrician's advice."
"He said I was making this bigger than it needs to be and that I always assume the worst about her."
"That last part hurt, because I've bitten my tongue a lot. She's commented on my cooking, my 'Instagram parenting,' and once told Nora in front of me that, 'Grandma will teach you how things are really done.'"
"Tonight Daniel asked if I could 'just smooth things over' before Sunday dinner."
"I said I'd be polite, but I want him to talk to her about the sleep rules, and he refused."
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some reassured the OP that she was not the person who needed to apologize.
"Girl, do not apologize. Someone needs to work some sense into your clueless and spineless second child." - throwaway112766
"It sounds like you were very cordial. Rearranging your baby’s nursery, especially to the point of removing things and replacing them with her own, was egregious. And in two hours is impressive, almost like it was planned or knew you’d object."
"I’m surprised your husband doesn’t feel more protective over the things YOU set up for YOUR baby that she changed without asking. It’s not just curtains; it’s nesting choices you made as a mother for your baby in your home, and they deserve more respect. The apology is owed to YOU."
"I’m sure she does mean well, but the raw tears, like you were insulting her whole maternal capabilities for gently correcting wild oversteps (oversteps that actually kind of undermine you as the mother), need to stop. And your husband needs to correct it. NOR." - supergirlssister
"NOR. The arrangement of the furniture. I would be livid. Clearly preplanned because she knew what she was doing would not be appreciated. I would feel so violated, and if my husband took his mother’s side, I would be popping off to stay with my parents for a few days." - thaleia10
"NOR. Are you married to my ex? My MIL did the same thing. On repeat. She was very pushy, and her idea was always better."
"I would come home to my house rearranged, foods and leftovers that she didn’t like thrown away out of my fridge. My ex and his brother said, 'Just ignore it and put the stuff back where you want it after she leaves'!"
"Then my ex gave her a garage door opener and door key so she could just let herself in whenever she wanted, to 'help.' She came in one day a few months after my twins were born while we were napping and started shouting, 'Hellloooo! I’m here! Where is everyone?' She woke up me and the babies. I was furious."
"Did I mention that he is now my EX?" - Teacher67
"Take the child and go stay with your parents or a friend, and tell your husband that you won't be coming back until the nursery is put back the way it was before your mother changed it, and his mother no longer has a key to your home."
"Tell him, 'This is my child, not your mother's. Until she understands that and accepts it, I do not trust her around our child. You are the father. Being a father comes before being a son. I know this is hard, but your mother overstepped, and you have to do something about it.'" - Riker_Omega_Three
"NOR. I’d suggest that you stress to your husband that your MIL did not offer her help. Instead, she waited until you’d be gone to change your nursery to reflect what SHE wanted."
"None of these changes were beneficial, and some were actually harmful to your child. Your husband’s (and your) first responsibility should be to protect your child - not to pacify an adult woman who behaved poorly."
"Your MIL is completely in the wrong. The issue is that she resents that you’re standing up for yourself and your baby. You might want to push your husband hard on this. If he doesn’t recognize the true problem, marriage counseling may be the best option." - Mermaidtoo
Others agreed and said the OP had a husband problem as well as a mother-in-law (MIL) problem.
"Your husband has no spine. You have a husband problem. NOR." - cartiercilla
"NOR. She had those curtains in the car, ready to be swapped in for the other ones when she had the chance."
"The first rule of baby is to go by whatever the mama of the baby says. No sane person should interfere, no matter what kind of thing they want to do, no matter how helpful."
"Now, if before you had the baby and were working on the nursery, she could have suggested curtains that she already had. But the nursery was already established. You chose the curtains, the sleep sack, the arrangement of the furniture."
"Tell your husband he’s a spineless twat. His first priority is his family, not his mother. His mother is kind enough to watch the baby, but it’s not in her purview to make decisions about changing up the baby’s stuff." - Specialist-Jello7544
"As a husband, you need to have a discussion with your husband. He thinks he has to protect his mom's feelings vs protecting the mother of his child?"
"It’s also HIS job to make sure his own mother knows the boundaries. What a coward. Thinks it’s a 'mom thing' making his male life difficult." - anoncot
"Your husband sucks. Ask him why he is okay risking your baby’s health by going against doctor advice just because he can’t handle the mild discomfort of setting boundaries with his mother."
"This is a big problem, and it will only get worse. NOR." - noeinan
"NOR. I'd send your jellyfish-spined husband and his mommy links on SIDS and why safe sleep precautions are absolutely necessary."
"Yes, she raised children, but she did so about 32 years ago (depending on whether he has any younger siblings). There have been many advances and new information since then that has resulted in these precautions and other safety requirements (vaccines, etc)."
"He needs to husband/father up and have your back with his mommy. Good luck, OP!" - Trippedwire48
"So, if you rearranged you MIL bedroom, because you 'were being helpful,' and she got upset, would your dear husband have your back?"
"She did that plus made an unsafe sleeping situation for YOUR CHILD!"
"YOUR CHILD, she doesn’t get to make any decisions regarding the setup of the baby’s room IN YOUR HOME, or question you about the safety or sleeping situation FOR YOUR CHILD!"
"She had HER CHILDREN, and raised them the way she chose; now it’s your turn to raise your child the way you see fit, and to decorate and arrange rooms in your home the way YOU CHOSE!"
"Maybe Sunday dinner for you and baby is on the back burner until your husband removes his head from his a**; and MIL apologizes for overstepping in someone else’s home."
"Good luck." - Grouchy-Storm-6758
"You have a husband problem. If he won’t back you up, then you have bigger problems."
"Who goes in and rearranges someone’s nursery? If your husband won’t stand up for you, then you have no choice but to do it yourself."
"Things have changed so much since MIL had babies. I’m amazed at the things new moms know now that we thought were safe 25 to 30 years ago."
"If MIL can’t accept she overstepped, then she can’t be in your home unless you are there."
"I would trust my daughter and DIL’s ability to do what is best for their children more than my opinion. Things have changed so much, and you young moms have access to so much more information than we did."
"Stand your ground. This is a hill I would die on, and I am a MIL. I know my place, and first and foremost it’s not to do anything in my adult children’s home without them asking." - Top_Philosopher1809
While the subReddit could understand the OP's mother-in-law being enthusiastic about babies and wanting to be involved, it wasn't her place to decide how to raise her granddaughter, but to trust her adult son and daughter-in-law to make the best decisions and respect them.
It might be "just" a nursery, but it spoke volumes about her lack of respect for her daughter-in-law, as well as all the ways she'd likely trying to undo the OP's parenting as her granddaughter grew up.
