Content Warning: Eating Disorder, Forced Eating, Food Preferences, Food Allergies, Food Sensitivities, and ARFID (Avoidant and Restrictive Food Intake Disorder)
Redditor Vast-Cartographer588 used to have a good relationship with her mother-in-law (MIL), but when it became obvious that they viewed her five-year-old daughter’s relationship with food very differently, they began to drift apart.
But when her MIL disrespected her parenting style to the point of making her daughter physically ill, the Original Poster (OP) decided it was time to take a big stand against her.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for refusing to let my mother-in-law (MIL) come over and sending her a receipt for our daughter’s fridge?”
The OP was working hard to give her daughter an autonomous experience while growing up.
“My husband and I have a five-year-old daughter, and I am six months pregnant with a boy.”
“We appreciate that our parenting style is very different from that of our parents.”
“We decided to promote certain autonomous behaviors from a young age. Due to my own experience with an eating disorder caused by my upbringing, we prioritize autonomy in food for our daughter and plan to do the same for our son.”
“To foster this, we set up a tiny semi-functional kitchen for our kids. It includes a small, functional fridge, and my husband even rigged the sink with a weak pump. Our daughter keeps snacks in the fridge and her tiny pantry.”
“The snacks range from bananas to individual chocolates. She has the freedom to take a portion of whatever she wants. When she wants to cook (make a fruit salad, muesli, etc.), she can do so. Of course, she doesn’t have access to dangerous items, but she helps us cook when she wants to.”
“This method has resulted in our daughter not going crazy at the prospect of candy or chips because she can decide when to have them. She also knows that once she eats her snacks for the week, that’s it, so she has learned to pace herself.”
The OP’s mother-in-law (MIL) did not agree with this parenting approach at all.
“Now, to the actual story. My MIL is in town for a while, and we let her stay with us.”
“I actually like her, but it has been a struggle at times because she has very set ways.”
“She is NOT a fan of the tiny kitchen. She thinks we’re going to make our daughter obese by allowing her to have snacks when she wants.”
“On the first night, she took away the muesli bar my daughter was eating because dinner was at 6:00 PM (it was around 4:00 PM).”
“When we asked her to please give it back and not to interfere, she relented, and that was that. Or so I thought.”
But then the OP’s MIL took a stand in the worst way.
“Last night, our babysitter got sick, and we asked my MIL to watch our daughter.”
“She agreed since it was just from 6:00 PM to 10:00 PM, and our daughter goes to bed at 7:30 PM.”
“We went out for dinner, and when we returned, we found our daughter awake and crying. I went to soothe her, and my husband went to talk to his mother.”
“It turns out my MIL had made baked fish with boiled potatoes for dinner. My daughter told her she doesn’t like fish because the smell makes her queasy.”
“MIL insisted she had to eat everything on her plate or she wouldn’t be allowed to get up. Our daughter ate the potatoes and tried to eat the fish but gagged.”
“MIL got furious, took the plate away, and sent her to bed early. Our daughter got hungry and went to her kitchen to make some banana oats.”
“MIL heard her, took the food away, threw it out, and brought out the rest of the fish, insisting she finish her dinner if she was hungry.”
“Our daughter started crying and, while trying to eat, threw up at the table. MIL changed her and cleaned up, and that’s when we came home.”
The OP took immediate action against her MIL.
“I WAS LIVID. I immediately told MIL that her behavior was unacceptable and that she overstepped our boundaries. I made it clear that she would not be welcome to stay with us again if she couldn’t respect our parenting choices.”
“To make matters worse, I discovered the next morning that MIL had unplugged our daughter’s fridge and put it outside. It rained heavily overnight, and the fridge was completely ruined. When I confronted MIL, she brushed it off, saying it was for our daughter’s own good and that she didn’t need a fridge.”
“I decided to send her the receipt for the fridge, to underline how serious we are about this.”
“MIL thinks I’m overreacting and that I’m being disrespectful to her as the grandmother. My husband is on my side, but he feels caught in the middle.”
“So, am I wrong for refusing to let my MIL come over again and sending her a receipt for our daughter’s fridge?”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were furious on the OP’s daughter’s behalf.
“Why do some grandparents think they have the right to demand respect when they don’t respect their adults’ kids and their partners’ parenting choices and decisions?”
“Respect is earned not given. She lost any respect you had when she damaged your and your daughter’s property and her actions.”
“She isn’t the parent here. You and your husband are.”
“NTA.”
“Also, I make my daughters who are 8 and almost 10 snack boxes when they are on breaks from school. Once that box is empty, there is no more. I’ve done this since they were four and five.”
“Once it’s gone, it is gone. They have also learned not to overeat and only eat when they actually need to. You’re doing an amazing job.” – Real-Excitement-1740
“Your MIL abused your daughter with food to the point she threw up and then ruined a perfectly good appliance. Why? Because she wanted to. That’s just horrific. Your poor daughter!” – ModernSwampWitch
“Of course you’re never leaving her alone with your daughter again since she thinks that forcing her to eat food that made her gag is okay. However, I suspect that your daughter would prefer never to see her again and she would be justified.”
“I’m sorry she abused your daughter so badly. She’s going to need some support for a while.” – FredRedPhooey
“We have a snack cupboard that the kids know they can access. Used to just be healthy stuff but as they have earned trust, there are the sweet things for going in pack lunches.”
“This year they have earned our trust in regulating their sweets too. You know what, we have a bigger issue of finding leftover stuff than then engulfing it all up at once.”
“They have a much happier and healthier relationship with food because of that so will grow up to be.”
“You are doing great.”
“With the receipt, remind her that if she doesn’t pay, that small claims court likely will… Just because then she’ll see you’re serious. She sounds awful for doing that.” – constantly_parenting
“I hate the mentality and cruelty of making a child sit until they eat everything on their plate that they hate or just the foods on their plate after they’re full. Especially when they eat something they hate and throw up and get blamed. I don’t understand this at all.” – Jazzlike-Election787
“Good job mama, NTA.”
“Honestly? Go low contact with her. Give her time to think with ZERO interaction. Essentially, give her the silent treatment. After a week, message again with the receipt.”
“Tell her, ‘I understand our parenting styles are different. However, she is OUR child. Therefore, we get to decide how she is raised.'”
“Drive it home: ‘That being said, we are not letting this go. Considering you’ve had time to think and are still refusing to respect our boundaries, moving forward, it’s no longer up for discussion. You can choose to respect our boundaries or choose to separate yourself from our family. There is no middle ground and I will not be apologizing for standing up for my child.'”
“Then add these stipulations: ‘You will be apologizing to my child. Not me, even though it’s needed, I’m choosing to be the bigger person and letting that go as my child’s well-being is more important. You will be providing the cost to replace the fridge that your actions caused to be damaged.'”
“Also: ‘Moving forward, your opinion on ANY food-related actions with my child is to be kept to yourself, and at any time you decide not to, you will be escorted out of the house as it’s not up for discussion. You are not permitted to be around my child without our supervision until it’s proven that you can respect our home and the rules under our roof.'”
“When she pushes back…”
“Say, ‘Again, it’s not up for discussion. I’m disappointed in your choice to be stubborn and disrespectful. I thought higher of you. Clearly, you need a longer time out to consider your options, I’ll be blocking you moving forward until you decide to do what’s right.'”
“Then block her. Tell your husband he’s perfectly able to make his own decisions and he’s welcome to talk to his mom anytime, but you will not hear of it unless it’s her apologizing. He’s welcome to see her and attend functions with her, but you and kid will not be.” – CatchMeIfYouCan09
Others reassured the OP that her husband didn’t have to be caught in the middle.
“Your husband thinks he’s caught in the middle? In the middle of what? Protecting your daughter? Standing up for his family?”
“He’s not in the middle. He’s trying to play nice on both sides, which means he actually isn’t backing you. He needs a mindset shift. NTA.” – Apprehensive_Pie4940
“I’d wager that he has been trained to kowtow to his mother considering the way she treated her granddaughter and felt so comfortable disrespecting OP.”
“My husband always had my back with his parents, and I did the same for him.”
“There should be no fence-sitting.” – Loose-Chemical-4982
“Your husband has to make a decision NOW. Either he supports you and your children, or he supports your MIL. It is a binary decision: one or the other.”
“No fence-sitting. No time wasting. Once he makes his decision he must immediately communicate it to all.” – No-To-Newspeak
“Your husband is never caught in the middle. He is on your side, and your MIL doesn’t feel like she needs to listen as she is his mother.”
“If she doesn’t listen, then it’s a time out for her. Also, I would never allow her around my child again after that demonstration of ignorance and abuse.”
“Time for your husband to step up and cut his mommy off for a while until she figures out who is in charge, apologizes to both of you and your little one, and replaces the fridge, and then I would start with short, supervised visits.”
“I would be done with anyone in my family who did what this ogre did to my child.” – handsheal
“NTA. Your husband feels caught in the middle?! Of what?! His mother essentially kept his five-year-old daughter from eating that night. In what realm is that ever okay?!”
“He needs to force his mother to lay for a new fridge and restrict access to y’all’s daughter until she can respect boundaries.” – carolinamama2015
Some applauded the OP for raising her daughter to have a healthy relationship with food.
“NTA. I’m in my 30s and still struggle with an eating disorder and overeating because I was given the whole ‘You can’t leave until you clear your plate, starving kids in Africa, if you order it you have to eat it all’ crap my entire life.”
“You are teaching your kid to self-moderate, creating good habits, and teaching them to eat when they are hungry not when they are told.”
“Your MIL, in one night, essentially showed all of the reasons why what you are doing is right and her ‘old ways’ are wrong.” – YDoEyeNeedAName
“Absolutely NTA. The grandmother’s behaviour is exactly why I now as an adult refuse to eat certain things. The trauma attached to those foods I wasn’t allowed to leave the table until I’d eaten (which I didn’t want warm let alone cold) is something I’ve carried into my late 40s, and I now have ARFID (Avoidant and Restrictive Food Intake Disorder).”
“I’m not saying your daughter should be allowed to refuse everything without trying, but there are ways of going about it and this is 100% not it. Stick to your guns on this one.” – AssistantOk1481
“I intensely dislike freshwater fish because my stepdad forced me to eat grilled trout with lemon and butter. It tasted like hot dirt and, because we were at a fishery, the smell of the farm made me gag. It was bad enough that I could NOT eat it.”
“I can’t imagine how your daughter must have been feeling to be pushed to eat something that made her feel this way, by someone who is supposed to love her. I’m so sorry to you and your daughter, OP. What a terrible break of trust.” – Mama-Mush
“I loved beets. I put them on all my salads and would eat sliced beets at dinner. They were my absolute favorite. Then my grandmother brought some homemade pickled beets and I went crazy for them.”
“I think she thought I would resist eating them, since beets were not a food that children were generally thought to like. In retrospect, I think she was looking forward to forcing me to eat something ‘good for me,’ like she did with liver and onions, or these disgusting ‘shakes’ she made with random juiced vegetables and brewer’s yeast.”
“She kept giving me these beets throughout her visit.”
“Then, she gave me an entire half plate at dinner one night. I dug in, but after eating a huge portion, I started feeling queasy. I told her I couldn’t finish them.”
“She made me sit there so I kept eating until I puked up all over the plate. She said I did it on purpose and expected me to eat them still, even the ones I had puked up.”
“This is the point that my father got home and threw everything away and told me I didn’t have to eat them. I was probably eight. I can’t look at beets to this day without wanting to puke, and I am 43.” – gjrunner5
“We were allowed to have food preferences because my mother remembered having to eat things she hated! All you had to say was, ‘No, thank you,’ and it was all good.”
“Then I spent the weekend with family friends while my parents were on a trip and ran up against the ‘You’ll sit there until you finish your dinner’ rule.”
“I sat there looking at the slimy, tasteless boiled patty pan squash thinking, ‘What the h**l? Who does this b***h think she is?'”
“I eventually choked it down (cold, which made it even more disgusting!) just to get it over with, but I was Not Happy.”
“My mom never made me stay there again. NTA, OP. Keep supporting your daughter.” – Mistletoe177
The subReddit was disgusted with how the mother-in-law treated her granddaughter, and they were grateful for the ways in which the OP had stepped up, even though she was concerned that she might be doing too much.
By pushing even for a replaced fridge, the OP was sending a message to her mother-in-law of how serious this situation was and, more importantly, how she would not allow it to happen again.