I was watching the movie Greyhound recently and realized my Father would have loved it. It's a 2020 film about the United States Navy's tactics for getting transatlantic convoys carrying supplies, munitions, and personnel to the European theater during WWII in waters patrolled by Nazi submarines.
Not everyone's cup of tea, as Greyhound focuses heavily on accurately portraying the perspective of the captain of one Allied surface ship in a cat and mouse conflict with a German submarine "wolf pack."
But one of my traditions with my Father was back-to-back viewings of Tora! Tora! Tora!—a 1970 film about the surprise attack on the United States naval fleet at Pearl Harbor, Hawaii, in 1941—and Midway—a 1976 film about the WWII Pacific theater naval battle at Midway Island in 1942—while talking about the real history associated with both events.
Our WWII naval movie marathons were similar to watching a film with the commentary.
My Father was a 20+ year Navy veteran and a naval and NASA trivia nerd. As an anything trivia nerd, I enjoyed our double feature viewings with his expert commentary. My Mother and Sisters preferred "shut up and watch the movie" film screenings, so this was something just the two of us shared.
Both of my parents have walked on—my Mother in 2011 and my Father in 2019. Even though years have passed since their deaths, there are still moments that come up now that make me wish they were physically here with me.
Grief and loss are like that. The sharpness of the pain may fade over time, but there will always be things that take you back to your sorrow.
A mother-to-be whose first pregnancy is making her late mother's absence acutely painful turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback after a conflict with her mother-in-law and husband.
Throwaway-97252801 asked:
"AITA for blowing up at my mother-in-law (MIL) at a family dinner?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (23, female) have been married to my husband (24, male) for three years."
"We were high school sweethearts and have been best friends since elementary school. He's still my best friend to this day."
"I've never had a great relationship with his mom; she's difficult to talk to, and our conversations are usually very shallow—gossiping about neighbors, complaining about the landscapers, etc...."
"Almost a year ago, my mom passed away, which still feels surreal to write. She truly was my soulmate, and I'm incredibly grateful to have had her in my life for 23 years."
"I miss her more than words can describe. My husband's family really stepped up during that time, supporting us financially with funeral costs and managing affairs when I was deep in grief."
"I'm genuinely grateful for their help."
"Fast forward to now—we're expecting our first baby. As excited as I am, I'm also deeply saddened that my mom won't be here to guide me through this."
"We always talked about what my kids would call her—we had settled on 'Grams'."
"Now, to the incident: We were celebrating our pregnancy at a dinner with my in-laws, and my mother-in-law asked to make a toast. She laughed and said, 'I'm so grateful to celebrate a new addition to our family. We can't wait to meet little "Veronica".'—which is her name."
"She went on to talk about her own pregnancy and what I should expect, mentioning that my husband had an abnormally big head when he was born. Then she said, 'I look forward to being the favorite grandma to "Veronica," since of course, I'll be the only grandma'."
"The room went silent, and I started to cry. I stood up and told her how incredibly insensitive it was to say that and that my mom would always be a grandmother, whether she's here or not."
"She responded by saying I was 'overreacting' and that it was just a joke. I told her to go to Hell and left immediately."
"My husband later called me, saying he spoke to his mom, who was in tears because she was embarrassed. She asked him to apologize on her behalf, and he told me I should have come back instead of telling her to go to Hell and storming off."
"I'm currently staying with my sister and haven't stopped crying since. She supports me 100%, but I really want to know: Am I the a-hole?"
The OP summed up their situation.
"I might be the a**hole for calling out my mother-in-law for her comment and embarrassing her in front of her family."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. Speaking as a husband who has a mom like this, you need to seriously have a discussion with him about his mom's behavior. He has the power to change how his mother treats you and it seems like he's okay with what she did and expects you to apologize."
"I understand it's his mom, but he chose to live a life with you and start a family. That needs to be his priority, not mommy's feelings." ~ Disastrous-Duty7346
"If MIL isn't called out now, it's only going to get worse when the baby arrives. I'm sorry for the loss of your mother. Congratulations on your pregnancy, OP. NTA." ~ NojaysCita
"That's never going to happen. He stayed to comfort his mommy instead of making sure his distraught pregnant wife got home safely."
"OP is always going to come second and has some difficult choices ahead of her." ~ TransportationNo5560
"OP, this part right here. Your 'best friend' stayed behind to comfort his mommy who just said something heinous to his pregnant, grieving wife."
"NTA. He brought that bullsh*t she spewed to you, her fake a** apology. Sorry. This just pisses me off." ~ ProudMama215
"Your MIL said something SEVERELY inappropriate and insensitive. No person in their right mind would think what she said was okay, no matter how many years have passed since your mother's death."
"Hell, my grandmother passed away almost 10 years ago and when my son was born 2 years ago, my mom and I talked a lot about how much we missed her and how we wished she was here to see him."
"We still say this often, when he's reached a milestone or we're just doing something we know she would have enjoyed. It's natural to think about deceased relatives MORE at a time like this, and she says something as callous as that‽‽‽ NTA!" ~ -SiRReN-
"Too often I read about husbands without a spine here. And then these women go ahead and have kids with these a**holes."
"Only to be complaining a few years later how exhausted they are from their husband's lack of support and their MIL's lack of boundaries. How they saw there were signs, but hoped things would change after the baby was born."
"This MIL should have been told, by the husband and in no uncertain terms, to go f*ck herself." ~ 3dgemaster⁷
"NTA. Please allow me to recap: MIL desecrated the memory of your mother while simultaneously attempting to elevate her place in the family. Husband is put out that YOU left this scene, before giving MIL a chance to weasel her way out via a fake apology."
"Have I got that right?"
"You have a husband problem and a MIL problem. Let's hope that the former corrects itself before the birth."
"If husband even *whispers* that Veronica should be included as any part of the name, then take it for the giant, flashing red light that it is." ~ CandylandCanada
"NTA. Of course, she should have been told to go to Hell for doubling down. Trying to make a joke is one thing, she's still an AH for it but like... a normal one."
"Seeing a grieving person hurt by it—leaving aside the fact that you're also pregnant—and then saying they're oversensitive is psycho behavior. Your husband needs to pull his head out of his a** too." ~ Reasonable-Ad-3605
The OP provided an update.
"Just want to take a moment to thank you all for your support. Your comments have been incredibly eye-opening."
"After staying with my sister for a few days, my husband came over. He said he understood why I was hurt, but felt I overreacted."
"He asked me to apologize to my MIL to 'keep the peace', which felt like a betrayal. I had hoped he would stand up for me."
"That night, my MIL sent a long text doubling down on her 'joke' and saying my grief is becoming a 'burden' on everyone. She told me I need to 'seek professional help and move on' since it's been 'almost a year'."
"I was devastated. I showed my husband, but he got angry at me for 'escalating things'."
"He said I should make peace with her for our child's sake and that he didn't want to be 'caught in the middle'."
"I've decided to take some space and stay with my sister. I'm struggling to come to terms with this."
"This whole situation has made me question if my marriage is right for me and my baby. I need an environment where I feel respected and supported, and I don't feel that way right now."
"I told my husband that if he wants me back, he needs to show me he can stand up for me. I'm putting myself and my baby first."
"I don't know what will happen next, but I know I deserve better than this."
"My sister and I are currently turning her old office into a room—prepping for 'Rosie's'—after my mom, Rosa—arrival. I feel truly blessed to have her support."
"Thank you again for all your support—it has meant more than you know."
It sounds like OP's husband has some decisions to make—including whether he wants to stay married or go home to his mom.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp