Weddings are expensive for everyone involved. Some expect bridal parties to pay for expensive parties, trips and gifts.
But it is not realistic to go into debt or spend your savings on someone else's celebration.
Redditor Bbbbananaaa encountered this very issue with her friends. So she turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for moral judgment.
She asked:
"AITA for refusing to book Airbnb without everyone's share?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I'm the maid of honor for my friend's wedding so the other bridesmaids and I've been trying to organize the bachelorette party which consists of a weekend getaway trip at a nearby town as requested by the bride."
"We created a group chat with everyone invited with the details and cost of the accommodation and asked whether it was suitable for everybody."
"Despite not everybody having RSVP'd yet, I feel pressured from the other bridesmaids to book."
"One of the girls mentioned not being paid until next week and not having any money to spare till then. Another mentioned getting paid in 2 weeks."
"It's understandable but I'm not very close to these girls at all and don't feel comfortable at the thought of having to chase people up for their money."
OP tried talking to the other bridesmaids.
"I made it clear that I'd like everybody's share upfront before booking and that I am open to waiting next week but advised that that carries a risk of losing the reservation by then."
"I feel pressure from the other bridesmaids to just book regardless of some people not having money and some not even having RSVP'd yet."
"It's ironic because one of the keen bridesmaids is the girl waiting to get paid next week's sister in law so I kind of find it ridiculous how she's not willing to cover her SIL's cost but I'm expected to."
"So, reddit, AITA for wanting everybody to RSVP and send me their portion before booking accommodation?"
Redditors gave their opinions on the situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors agreed OP was not the a**hole.
"NTA and if it becomes a bigger issue, suggest someone else make the booking and put their own money on the line." ~ mypreciousssssssss
"This. NTA. Every time someone complains, send them the link to make the reservation under their name, with their credit card." ~ Maximum-Company2719
"NTA. I agree you don't need to book without having the money, these things can get very messy - but would you really be spotting people? Airbnb doesn't usually make you pay everything upfront and check the cancelation policy for it. It may not be as high risk as it seems." ~ denofdames
"Okay I know this post is old at this point but I had to chime in - I've had to pay either 50% (with no cancellation) or 100% at every Airbnb. In fact, my bff's bachelorette party had this exact same issue - girls wanted to come but didn't 'have the money' right then so another bridesmaid and I sent a third of the total cost to the brides sister (she had the biggest credit limit lol). We were chasing down money for weeks, it's a massive pain in the ass and I'll never do that again." ~ lennypartach
"NTA. Absolutely do not book anything without all the money."
"In a situation like this I would go for a white lie of, 'I don't have the money physically in my account because I haven't been payed yet either. I only have enough for my share.'"
"Then the pushy people can put the money where their mouth is and transfer you the other people's share as a loan to them or be quiet about it." ~ Summerfields220
"NTA. Offer to let them do it."
"'I can see that it's very important to you that we book immediately. Since you're comfortable booking without everyone paying up front, I'm happy to send you the money I've collected so far and let you book it on your card and collect the rest of the money. Do you take Venmo or PayPal?'" ~ ScubaCC
OP shouldn't have to front all the money.
"NTA. I was my sister's maid of honor and this ended up happening to me. All total I spent about $1,500 out of pocket for wedding related expenses and ended up needing counseling afterwards, with all the drama that occurred."
"Everyone wants the bachelorette party to be this care-free fun event. In reality you literally have to grab some of these girls by the scruff of their shirts and shake the money out of them (metaphorically speaking)."
"Just let them know point blank, that whoever has paid by this date is going, the rest will not be. Too bad, so sad."
"You will book the suite based on occupancy, which means if people don't pay up you'll be getting a smaller room. If anyone complains, just tell them you aren't obligated to support them financially and they can borrow the money from someone else if they really can't afford it."
"It's not your responsibility as MOH to cover these expenses, and if the bride complains, you can tell her that. If she's looking for a piggy bank, she should have asked someone else to be MOH."
"And if any of the bridesmaids complains, tell them if they want to pay for the other bridesmaid, they can, but you won't be." ~ Excellent-Jello7894
"NTA. You're doing the right thing."
"It's unfair for you to burden the cost and pressure of chasing people for money that you don't know that well."
"The people who are pressuring you to book it, should cover the costs upfront if they don't want to lose out and let it be on them to chase the money." ~ IHaveSaidMyPiece
"NTA, I suspect it's a rather large amount of money you'd have to fork up without a guarantee of return and you don't really know all these people. NTA." ~ AcceptableHome3
"Does the bride know what's going on? I'd fill her in now, because there is a distinct possibility that if you don't get everyones deposit, it's not going to happen. You should not be on the hook for this event. NTA." ~ CaliforniaJade
OP needs to let them know point blank the deadlines.
Woman With Cerebral Palsy Livid After Husband's Doctor Questions Why He Married Her
In the search for comprehensive medical care, people may have tough conversations about their lifestyle, work, relationships, and other potential stressors.
But a doctor can only make so many decisions on behalf of their patient, cautioned the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor _lucky96 was seeing the same doctor as her husband, so their doctor was aware of both of their medical histories and needs, including her having cerebral palsy.
But when the doctor brought up her condition during her husband's latest appointment and questioned their marriage, the Original Poster (OP) was appalled and wanted to find a new medical care provider.
She asked the sub:
The OP had cerebral palsy and a full life.
"I have cerebral palsy. It mainly affects my walking, but I can walk independently and live a pretty normal life."
"My husband and I have been together for three years and have a blended family with five kids altogether. Three of my kids aren’t biologically his."
The OP and her husband just started seeing a new doctor.
"We’ve both recently started seeing the same general practitioner (GP)." I’ve seen him about three times now and generally thought he was helpful."
"I had noticed he seemed very interested in my disability and would often ask questions about it and whether I had support, but I assumed he was just being thorough."
In the OP's eyes, the doctor crossed a line.
"Today, my husband had an appointment with the same doctor for stomach issues."
"During the appointment, mental health apparently came up as part of the discussion, but the appointment itself wasn’t for mental health."
"I wasn’t in the room because I was outside with our daughter. According to my husband, the doctor asked him, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"My husband said because he loves me, and then the doctor apparently said something along the lines of, 'With her disability and five kids, that’s a lot to take on. You realise when she’s older, you’ll have a lot to do as she ages.'"
"My husband thinks I’m overreacting because they had been discussing different stressors in his life, and believes the doctor was just talking about responsibilities and support systems."
"I understand that possibility, but I can’t get past how hurtful it feels to hear my disability described as something my husband 'took on' or as a future burden he’ll have to manage."
"The doctor also said, 'Not many men would do what you do, you’re a good man.'"
The OP was upset about the conversation her husband shared.
"What bothers me most is that the conversation wasn’t even about me, and I wasn’t there to respond or provide any context."
"I feel like the comments reduced me to my disability rather than seeing me as a wife, parent, and person."
"Am I wrong for being upset by this and considering raising it with the clinic, or does this sound inappropriate?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that the doctor's comments were highly inappropriate.
"That’s highly inappropriate. You are NOR." - Direction_Physical
"NOR. You are not overreacting at all. That was completely inappropriate and dehumanizing."
"You’re his patient’s wife, not his patient, while your husband is in that room. Bringing up your disability and five kids during your husband’s stomach appointment had nothing to do with his care."
"Saying you’re 'a lot to take on' and 'not many men would do what you do' frames your marriage like a charity case, and you like a burden instead of a partner."
"That’s ableist, unprofessional, and a violation of basic boundaries."
"It makes sense that you feel reduced to just your disability after hearing that."
"Raising it with the clinic is absolutely reasonable. You deserve a doctor who treats you as a whole person, not a problem for your husband to manage." - DaringDuvet
"This makes me so stabby. I’m non-verbal and have right-sided weakness."
"We were married 29 years before it happened, and the number of people who think my husband needs a medal and a parade for sticking around..."
"Don’t get me wrong. My husband is one of life’s truly good dudes. But seriously?" - sorenelf
"This is infuriating. He's a good man because he didn't ditch?"
"When my mum was diagnosed with cancer that wasn’t going to do the polite thing and get fixed, the amount of applause for my dad not leaving her was astounding."
"He was horrified at first, but that wore off pretty quickly, and he just started calling it out. That made quite a few people squirm in their own discomfort."
"It says a lot about someone who thinks a natural choice is to bail." - BasicLingonberry9914
"NOR in the slightest."
"Even if we assume good intent and the doctor wanted to make sure there are safety nets and supports in place for both of you, that has NOTHING to do with the question of why your husband married you."
"I would absolutely file a complaint, and if you both can, find another general practitioner." - ooooohcakepudding
"NOR. I have severe Aphakia, and if my specialist looked at my husband to remind him he's going to be growing old with someone who is likely going to go blind, I think I would die."
"My husband had been through h**l and back with me and my eyes long before we got married, so he knows what he signed up for. And it isn't the doc's place to sort out. Super duper unprofessional." - Global-Nature2420
"So at first, I thought you were overreacting. I am a mental health provider, and a doctor discussing stressors and very real-life situations happens all the time."
"The minute you added the part that 'not many men,' things changed. He took what could have been a normal conversation and changed it to his personal feelings, which is absolutely disgusting."
"NOR at all. I would file a complaint." - Trash_Human92
Others pointed out that it was an important conversation to have, though the doctor could have been more delicate.
"While tough, this isn't an inappropriate conversation to have if the stress is causing his health to deteriorate."
"The truth is not inappropriate. I think the way he worded it was a bit much, but not what he said."
"It appears to me the OP is not dealing with how her disability is not just about her, but everyone, etc. For example, my cancer was also stressing my loved ones out." - Total-Ad886f
"I was having panic attacks in the middle of the night due to my husband's health and lack of care. So when he finally started seeing someone in my same doctor's office (but not the same doctor), it was SO much better."
"My doc and the nurse have been really, really concerned about my mental health, so they were happy to hear that he's taking his health seriously and improving, because that means that I am sleeping more and my mental health is better, and that means my ability to manage my own chronic pain and health issues has been better."
"I was not coping at all and barely able to function." - popchex
"The doctor may have mentioned OP in the conversation with her husband if he was trying to ascertain if he had stressors that may contribute to his stomach issues. Sure, your spouse, children, work, and parents can be considered stressors at times in anyone’s life."
"For me, where he crossed the line was when he decided just how OP’s condition will impact the future."
"Firstly, OP is obviously capable of caring for everyone, including herself and children, with minimal, if any, assistance. As OP ages, more assistance may be required, but this may also be the case for her husband, too, as he ages. The responsibility of the children will not be a factor, as they are adults."
"So the doctor’s predictions are presumptive and unnecessary. Health is not guaranteed for anyone. We all will face various challenges to our physical abilities as we age."
"What I would take up with the clinic is why he felt it necessary to ask the husband why he married OP. To additionally state because of that, ‘He was a good man’ is grossly inappropriate and unprofessional."
"There is potential for an ongoing issue to arise if OP were to continue seeing this doctor. His bias toward her husband may very well influence any care she may need in the future. NOR." - Cool-Blackberry-785
"It doesn’t make sense because if your husband was talking about how stressed he was, why would the doctor bring up more reasons he should be stressed? Or if he didn’t seem stressed enough, is the doctor then going to be like, 'Consider how stressed you’ll be in X amount of years'?"
"It sort of sounds like he’s saying something like, 'Why would a man do that?'"
"The only exception I’d give is if your husband had some sort of health thing he’s completely ignoring, and the doctor was trying to give him a wake-up moment. Because then, they sort of have to be blunt to make you realize you need to prioritize your health. But simply being stressed isn’t enough to start saying, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"Whenever it’s women in your husband’s position, they just get told they’re an awesome rockstar. No one questions WHY they do it."
"NOR. You should find a doctor who makes you feel supported, and you feel is better overall."
"I wouldn’t make your husband change yet. It is hard to find doctors you like. Maybe when you establish with a better doctor, he’ll switch, too." - imwearingredsocks
Since the OP's husband went to the doctor to discuss stomach issues and likely how to remedy them, it's reasonable that the subject of possible stressors would come up, so the husband could avoid those stressors and improve his symptoms.
However, some Redditors felt that also including details about his marriage and fatherhood in the conversation was crossing a line, and while being a care provider to a spouse could be stressful, many felt it was being addressed from an ableist perspective instead.