Being a working parent comes with many challenges.
The biggest challenge often is that they don't get to see their children nearly as often as they would like.
As a result, many working parents go to great lengths to put aside time that is strictly devoted to their children and their family and always make the most of this precious time.
Redditor Worth_Worldliness_26 and their wife were both working parents, but the schedule of the original poster (OP)'s wife often meant that she didn't make it home in time to eat dinner with her family.
In order to change this, the OP came up with what they felt was a great solution to ensure the whole family could all enjoy dinner together at least a couple times a week.
His wife, however, was not on board with this idea one bit.
Wondering if they were in the wrong, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for wanting my wife to fix how she eats dinner?"
The OP explained how their idea to ensure more quality family time ended up putting them at odds with their wife.
"My wife works about an hour away from our home."
"I work mostly remotely at home, so I've been the one to take care of our girls (6 and 8 respectively) for a few years now."
"I drive them to school and to practices, and I usually eat lunch with them."
"We eat dinner at 7 as a family."
"This is non-negotiable, because the girls get home at 6 from after school activities, and we both agreed that they should sleep preferably at 9-10."
"Dinner is usually a chance for us to sit and bond, and because my wife works from 9 to 4-5 during the weekday she usually barely sees them during the weekdays."
"We spend a lot of time together on the weekend though."
"Additionally, she isn't vegan or anything, but she comes from a Buddhist family and prefers to reduce animal produce in her diet."
"Because of this, she comes home and usually takes a lot of time to make her dinner by herself."
"When she's done making the food, either one or both of the girls are finished eating, or they're almost finished eating and she has missed out on a lot of them talking about their day."
"I've tried finding solutions, like cooking for her beforehand or cooking a vegetarian meal for the whole family, but she doesn't like my cooking (even when I try to imitate her meals.)"
"So far, I've been texting her what she wants to make and cleaning/prepping the food for her, but sometimes she changes her mind, or she takes a while to cook anyway."
"I've tried talking to her about it, but she says, 'What do you want me to do? Starve at the dinner table?'"
"She says she wants to hear about their day too, but it's just not feasible."
"So I told her that for Tuesday and Thursday, I am going to make food for us as a family, and she will eat it with us."
"She told me that I'm an a**hole, because she works hard every day, and she just wants to eat her own food, not be forced to eat mine."
"I just think it's important to spend time with family during the week."
"Also, I think I'm a pretty fair cook. I'm not amazing or anything, but the girls like my food."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
While the Reddit community was a bit divided, they generally agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for insisting their wife join the family for dinner.
Many felt that the OP was justified in wanting the family to eat together, and their motives were admirable in finding a way, with many perplexed by their wife's reaction and wondering if there was a bigger issue she might be dealing with.
"My first thought was why doesn't she set up a crock pot night before or in the morning?"
"That way her preferred meal is ready to eat with the rest of the family."
"But a second/closer read implies for some reason she doesn't *want* to eat with you all."
"She's thrown up strange roadblocks that keep her away from the communal table during the week."
"Why is that?"
"Does she eat with you all on weekends?"
"Both of you work every day."
"She has the commute, but still."
"NTA, but I get a strong feeling that something else is going on with your wife."
"Good luck figuring it out."
"I send good wishes to your family."- GeekyStitcher
"NTA."
"What's more important to her, spending time with you guys as a family or eating exactly what she wants every night?"
"She needs to compromise here."
"You seem like you are trying everything to help, and the fact that she called you TA shows that your feelings and efforts aren't appreciated."
"Sorry OP!"- AdJazzlike3004
"NTA."
"Reverse the genders, and the answers here would be unanimously NTA."
"If OP was the woman talking about their husband, everyone would be saying 'uninvolved father' and that OP has done enough to accommodate a selfish man."
"You've offered so many ideas and compromises."
"I don't think it's about the food."
"I don't think she wants to spend time with you and the kids, and you should approach that conversation with her."- ooolalaluv
"NTA."
"Your wife seems determined to miss out on the one family time y'all have."
"Mostly that just makes me sad."- NotCreativeAtAll16
"NTA for wanting family to spend time together."
"Seems like you have offered many ways to accomplish that,.none of which your wife likes."
"But rather than telling her what is going to happen on Tuesday and Thursday, I think you will have an easier time compromising if you allow. her to come up with the solution since she has shot down all your suggestions."
"If she doesnt provide any suggestions or any viable suggestions, she may be feeling overwhelmed and feel she needs the alone.time cooking/eating in order to decompress."
"I personally think you wanting to share dinner together is a good idea and that many of your suggestions were good ones, so at.this point i think all you can do is put the ball in her court."-Gladtobealive2020
"NTA."
"Has your wife ever heard of meal prepping?"
"It's perfectly feasible for her to eat her own food and spend time with her children if she can't lower herself to have what the family is having."
"It's perfectly feasible."
"She just has to actually make the effort."- Individual_Soft_9373
"NTA."
"But this not about the food."
"Why is she avoiding family time?"
"Is she depressed?"
"Is she overwhelmed with life & doesn't get proper downtime after her commute?"
"Maybe the solution could be she gets 'permission' for eg a full 30 mins as soon as she's home to go hide in the bedroom & wind down."
"If I cannot fully switch off & calm my brain down, I'll be on edge all evening & wouldn't be able to cope very well with a family dinner."
"I'd want to avoid it too."
"Might she have an eating disorder?"
"Eating separately could be a way to hide her lack of eating."
"And/or 'disliking' food other people prepare could be because she has excessive 'rules' about the food she eats."
"You are NTA for wanting family time, but it might be worth a bit of gentle compassion towards her, rather than being angry / judgmental that she's avoiding you & her children."- amberallday
"Clear NTA."
"God forbid the man wants the family to act like one."
"The wife is clearly not budging or so much as considering a compromise."
"It sounds like OP is doing 90% of the parenting."
"He's really, really not asking for much."
"If the roles were reversed you'd be sh*tting on OP's spouse."- compellinglymediocre
"NTA."
"If your wife gets home the same time as your kids, why can't she cook for the whole family sometimes?"
"It seems like maybe you start cooking at 6:00 and eat at 7:00 anyway, so she could just cook for everyone and you would all eat together, and she would get to eat what she likes."
"It kind of seems like cooking is either her way of decompressing after a long day, or she's trying to avoid family time."
"If it's the former, she gets the best of both worlds; if it's the latter, you guys need to have a talk about more than just food."- Birdlord420
No one likes to be told what to do, making the reaction of the OP's wife understandable to an extent.
Even so, considering all the OP wanted to do was create more family time, it's a little surprising that the OP's wife was so unwilling to compromise.
Or that she couldn't endure her spouse's cooking two meals a week.
One only hopes she tries it out at least once, and perhaps after more quality time with her children, she might change her mind.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp